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to be offended that my dp and ds have been invited

(17 Posts)
singingmum Thu 17-Jan-13 13:56:25

To our neighbours dd's 18th but I haven't?
I am an agoraphobic but have in the last couple of years found that as long as I plan I can go to occasions like this.
I got really upset as I have known this persons dd since birth and its as though I don't exsist. I also have had a huge hint that my mil may have had something to do with the decision to not invite.
My mil new from dp that I was upset over this and today informed my dc's that I was
"Had a monk on"
Over this which has really made me upset and mad. She's made it very clear that I'm not really family (her words) amongst other remarks about me to my ds.
So if your dp/dh was invited to something and you'd known the family involved for 20yrs would you be offended and if your mil was doing the things mine is would you be tampin?
AIBU?

MolehillAlchemy Thu 17-Jan-13 14:14:53

You sure they didn't officially invite you just so you didn't feel pressured, but hoped that you'd be able to go?

Otherwise, it's a bit thoughtless.

HecateWhoopass Thu 17-Jan-13 14:18:05

I'd be talking to the neighbours.

If I'd known someone that long, then I would hope to be able to have a conversation with them.

I know you invited X and Y and not me, do you mind if I ask why, only it's been bothering me. Have I upset you?

If you find out that they didn't because, say, your mother in law has been saying stuff, then you can put them straight.

If you are actually not invited because they don't want you there, then I would hope that your husband and child would not want to go to an event that someone wanted to deliberately exclude you from.

singingmum Thu 17-Jan-13 14:42:03

The invite is very specific but I know that this isn't the soon to be 18yr old and she and my ds have always sort of been there in each others life and she spent a lot of time when younger here as I HE and did stuff in the hols and she joined in.
My mil is, shall we say on one and has been a bloody nightmare including comments about how I should just go out as she would, making snide remarks to my ds18 about me and now in front of my dd12, oh and the classic telling my dp that she'd leave everything to him but he isn't to leave anything at all to me in the future as I'm not family but her dp is even though they been together shorter time than my dp and I.
The other prob is the mum of 18yr old is her close friend.
I just feel offended when these are the same people who lecture on going out more but then treat me as though I'm not here. Also I would never invite one half of a couple and not the other unless it was a girls night in or the like, its just rude.
Oh and in the last year I've been to weddings,funerals,dd's drama parents eve with no panic attacks which all know and I'm doing really quite good as at one point I couldn't go anywhere even struggled to go in my garden. It may sound nuts but it just feels like I'm a non entity because I'm battling a condition they can't see so is an excuse(espec in mil's eyes she doesn't believe in this stuff)

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 17-Jan-13 14:52:13

Talk to your DH over this and ask for his support..

singingmum Thu 17-Jan-13 14:57:38

I asked him this morning not to go but I really want my ds to go as they really mean a lot to each other. I believe dp isn't going but my mil is gonna be a mare about it and is gonna tell the neighbours as she's like that. I am just so sick of being ignored by doctors etc(they know I won't bug them even when ill) but for people inc mil to be like this its really made me mad and hurt. I couldn't stop repeating that I'm not invisible,I do exist.
God I sound like a complete loon don't I!

MolehillAlchemy Thu 17-Jan-13 15:43:52

You don't sound like a loon. It was wrong of them not to invite you and you sound justifiably peeved by it. Can you go anyway, just turn up with your DP and DS and be all smiley and happy? They're hardly going to turn you away, and it will be a triumph over adversity... and there'll be free sausage rolls! Win win.

pigletmania Thu 17-Jan-13 15:57:33

YANBU at all thatis awful. Do you think your mil has put preserve on hertrendnotto invite you. Your dp should not go tbh

singingmum Thu 17-Jan-13 15:57:38

[Smile] I do like sausage rolls.
My mum has offered for my dd to stay over so my dp and I can have a nice quiet eve as we don't get much chance for just the two of us to be alone. I think we might take her up on it.
Just gotta learn to keep my tounge when mil starts and go from there I suppose.

pigletmania Thu 17-Jan-13 15:58:30

Meant that your mil might have put pressure on her neighbour not to invite you

singingmum Thu 17-Jan-13 16:00:22

Btw the reason I think my mil was involved was that when I had to travel in a car with in laws my mil told my son she was glad he was travelling with her and not me as she couldn't stand being with me.
She's such a lovely person.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Jan-13 16:04:27

I would feel the same and be pretty hurt at being excluded.
But.... I would also go directly round to the neighbours and ask if I had done anything to upset or offend them.
I would also NOT be holding my tongue around MIL. She needs to know how you feel and the sooner you stand up for yourself and tell her, the better.
It will be hard but she's horrid to you anyway so how much worse can it get in reality?
Get round the neighbours and get this sorted out.

singingmum Thu 17-Jan-13 16:25:25

Well we could be evicted as we rent her house. Tbh I would love this as she does use it in a sort of it is my house way.
She knows we cannot afford rent otherwise as where we'd have to live for my dp's job is really quite expensive and we have debts to pay.
This is really a no win at the moment so that's why I bite my tongue.
My dp due home any time now so won't be posting for a while but thanks for opinions.
I needed to see it written down to realise there was more to the situation and it needs to be sorted and soon or my agrophobia is just gonna get worse again and I may at this rate end up in the local MH hospital.
Thank you

Seabird72 Thu 17-Jan-13 16:56:59

It would be nice if your DP decided not to go and had a word with your mil to support you - your DS should of course go and just because your DP doesn't (if he decides not to) then that shouldn't stop your DS from going. Your DP should give you more support.

5Foot5 Thu 17-Jan-13 16:57:42

It sounds to me as if this party is just a sideshow to the main event, which is the way your MIL treats you and talks about you in front of your DC.

What does your DH say about this? Surely he doesn't condone it. I know it must be difficult with the current situation about the house but, really, your DH should be having a woird to point out that you are his "family" and if she can't keep a civil tongue in her head around you that it is she who will be excluded from his family not you.

lastSplash Thu 17-Jan-13 17:17:12

Well put 5foot5, totally agree

chandellina Thu 17-Jan-13 17:30:17

I'd just go along and not say anything until or unless she does. It's totally normal for a couple to share an invite.

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