To not want my Mum there(60 Posts)
First time posting an AIBU so please bare with me!
Basically I really don't want my Mum anywhere near me during labour. To give a little context, she has some mental health issues and really can't handle things being about others. This was made VERY apparent last year at my sisters wedding, when she made the groom drive out to Mcdonalds while waiting for my sister to arrive to buy her food becuase she 'came over so faint and dizzy and nearly fainted'
Another example is when I first took DP home to meet her, she managed to actually faint that time(cue a long trip to A+E). I know it's not her fault that she struggles when the spotlights firmly away from her, she finds big things hard to cope with and it's just how she manages them. But I really don't want to deal what ever 'coping strategy' she comes up with for my labour.
My midwifes advised I just don't tell her till babies here, but I know how much it will hurt her, especially as I'll have to tell the in laws when I'm in labour as they live 4 hours away. I don't want to upset her, but I would like to focus on myself throughout labour and not have to worry about how she's going to cope with it. AIBU to just not tell her till babies here?
YANBU. There is no need for her to be anywhere near you in labour. Even if she was absolutely perfect in every way, she still does not need to know until baby has safely arrived.
If you tell people you are going into labour, then when it goes on for hours, maybe days, you feel obliged to give constant updates to stop them worrying about what's going on. You don't want your first few hours with the baby to be spent texting.
Anyway, what's the rush? The baby will still be a baby for days and weeks to come, and there will be plenty of time for visits. No need to rush to be there the minute it's born. My parents live 5 hours away and I'm booked in for an ELCS, so they could easily plan to be here for the birth day. However, hospital visiting times are restricted and visiting in hospital is a bit rubbish anyway so they are not planning to come down until a couple of days after the birth when I'm out of hospital so not only can they spend some relaxed time with us, but also help out with cooking etc. For my first, I gave birth at midnight, they came down the next afternoon. No mad panicked dash!
IIWY I would also get the midwives on your side and say that you love your mum but she can get a 'bit overexcited' and would they be willing to help you if things get a bit dramatic or she overstays. That you are worried about dealing with the drama while recovering from the birth.
Your mum is an adult.
If she can´t cope with things that you do/say then she needs to get help to do so.
Why tell anyone before baby is here??
Fortunately all the GPs live too far away and respected boundaries enough not to come charging down as soon as I was in labour with DD.
Which was a good thing as I was in labour for the best part of 3 days, finally had a hideous forceps delivery and having being resuscitated, spent the next 2 days in HDU having blood transfusions and no-one except DH was allowed in.
The first visitor we did have was my mother when DD was already 4 days old.
You just never know what may happen and the last thing you want to worry about is someone expecting you to perform to a schedule.
I have birth 4 weeks ago, also my first!
I had decided not to tell anyone when things got going. I started I. Labour in the early hours then had a consultant appt that aft which I managed to go along to. He sent me straight to my birth hospital as my BP wa through the roof. I stick to my guns and didn't tell anyone - would only have worried them and regardless of BP I actually felt fine. (Aside from contractions). Had dc the following evening and loved ringing the GP's to inform them of their GP 'status'. Noone was cross I'd not said anything-they were too busy being pleased at baby's safe arrival!
All GP's came to visit the following days visiting hours (we ended up being kept in for a week as Bubs got a but poorly and needed anti biotics), otherwise if have been at home fr them to visit at a co venue t time.
Do whatever you feel you need to make your labour as easy and hassle free as possible.
I hve such fond memories of mine now (pain aside) and making the cl to GP's afterwards has adde to those memories.
Hope it all goes well for you and you are looked after as well as I was. Good luck, it's amazing!x
Put the blame somewhere else - I.e. tell her that your hospital only allows one birthing partner during labour so you'll let her know once you've had the baby and tell her when the first available visiting times are.
Do what you feel is right and what is best for you, dh and baby.
I have similar experience in that even before I was settled down with dh my DM would always tell me she was going to be at the birth of my child....then when I actually got pregnant. I was worried and and only wanted me and dh for various reasons. My DM also likes to be the centre of everything and I just wanted it to be me,dh and baby bonding before anyone else came along...
As it happens Mother Nature meant I needed a planned c section so it took the problem away as i could only have dh there. But before I knew I needed the c section I was in your situation not wanting DM there but knowing she'd be deeply offended, hurt..ect...
As it happened it was just me and dh and even though it was a c section I liked that it was just me and dh who set eyes on our dc first. But then my DM and all other gp's came up to hosp straight away and it was abit overwhelming. Then to make things worse my DM invited all her sisters (4 of them) plus step dad and cousins even up to the hosp for visiting....there must have been 10 people around the bed while I was recovering from a c section and trying to bf....it was so awful...I couldn't believe the mw's didn't kick them out...I wanted them to!!
Anyway sorry for the Long story....Just wanted to say do what u feel is right for your little family. Your going to give birth...it's all about you, your dp and baby no one else. It's emotional enough as it is so you need to be relaxed and do what you feel is right.
Good luck and enjoy meeting your new baby :-)
Good lord how do you put up with her? She sounds awful. Put yourself AND your baby first.
OP, from now on, there is only one mother who you need to worry about - YOURSELF.
I had a similar experience as DontmindifIdo. Once my baby was there I had way less time and patience to deal with my mom's problems. I found out that the easiest is to always tell her that everything is fine, because she will make a big deal about her feeling sooo bad because she is soooo worried hmm. And I am only seeing now that she was always like this (maybe not as bad when she was younger) and I am a bot sorry for my younger self.
I have a mom similar to yours, and on the day I knew the baby would arrive soon I told here that everything was fine when she phoned. We went to the hospital a few hours later (in the evening), and the baby was there the next morning. Only a few hours later I felt like telling anyone.
I had a similar experience as DontmindifIdo. Once my baby was there I had way less time and patience to deal with my mom's problems. I found out that the easiest is to always tell her that everything is fine, because she will make a big deal about her feeling sooo bad because she is soooo worried . And I am only seeing now that she was always like this (maybe not as bad when she was younger) and I am a bot sorry for my younger self.
YANBU! And you don't have to give reasons. No one has a right to be at the birth, except you.
Just say there wasn't time. We didn't tell anyone until dd was 8 hours old. Didn't answer the telephone, just met dd and worked out what it was like to be a family. I think your sanity and comfort during the birth is more important than the risk of upsetting your mother. This is YOUR body, your birth, your baby.
Stop giving your mum info. Be vaguer. This is only going to get worse after the baby's here. There's nothing to take th spotlight away like a gorgeous newborn. My mum is like this. Since having kids I have kept her at more and more of a distance. Being a mum myself has highlighted even further to me her deficiencies, unfortunately. I have enough to deal with bringing up my own kids without her angsting all over me all the time. Stop playing into her hands by giving her so much detail. If you need the ecv just don't tell her when it is, or better yet, don't tell her about it at all. Either baby will stay as it is, or 'yes it's fab, baby's turned!'
Don't tell anyone, why is it so common these days to 'announce' when you go into labour? Am I being naive but unless you need child/pet/elderly relative care surely NO ONE needs to know? .
I didn't tell anyone when I had my DS - DH & I went to hospital, I gave birth
by EMCS I came round, after a few hours I phoned my parents and DH phoned his mother, no one insisted on visiting immediately, everyone was very respectful.
We told two sets of people. The friend who was supposed to be coming over that day (who sent a good luck text and left us to it) and MIL as FIL had just been rushed to hospital with a heart problem and was phoning us in a panic and said 'I'll call you in an hour to let you know how dad is" just as we were loading up the car.
My parents had no clue. Which, quite frankly was a good thing as dd got stuck, it all took days, there was emergency procedures and haemorrhages. MIL was frantic. My parents were in the pub, asleep and at Sainsburys. They were so much happier.
I don't think it is an occasion for mothers- they have already had the experience! Just ignore, smile and nod and tell her afterwards.
Just you and your dp at the hospital and text the others when dc is born.Good Luck.
I had my mum and dh with me but drew the line at mil inviting herself! Glad you've made a choice that feels right. Good luck
My next door neighbour was the first to know. I was out shopping with her one morning a week before due date and I suddenly felt water trickling down my legs into my winter boots! My waters had broken. She walked me home and we called the midwife (home birth 100 years ago). My DS was born at dawn the next day with only the midwife and my
then now ex DH present in the bedroom and I shouted to him to,"Get out." I just didn't want anyone there except the midwife. The neighbour spent the night downstairs with my DH and was there to help with clearing up. (She had to teach my XDH how to wrap the placenta in newspaper and put it on the fire).
We didn't have a telephone then so used another neighbour's to telephone my parents who came later that day - they had a car. My DM stayed for 10 days to 'look after me'. Then MIL came 50 miles by public transport for a further 10 days for the same. Everything went swimmingly
not that I use those boots now.
Personally I wouldn't tell your mum or your inlaws until the baby is born. Assuming that you don't want a visit from your inlaws with a cord hanging out of your fanjo and sat in a pool of blood then you don't need to phone them before the birth.
My Mum used to be a midwife and I still wouldn't want her there! Procedures have changed a lot since she last delivered a baby, and I know she'd probably get faffy or try to take over. If I were you I'd just announce the birth. But if you must, the later you tell her you're in labour, the less time it gives her to make a scene!
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