To not want my Mum there(60 Posts)
First time posting an AIBU so please bare with me!
Basically I really don't want my Mum anywhere near me during labour. To give a little context, she has some mental health issues and really can't handle things being about others. This was made VERY apparent last year at my sisters wedding, when she made the groom drive out to Mcdonalds while waiting for my sister to arrive to buy her food becuase she 'came over so faint and dizzy and nearly fainted'
Another example is when I first took DP home to meet her, she managed to actually faint that time(cue a long trip to A+E). I know it's not her fault that she struggles when the spotlights firmly away from her, she finds big things hard to cope with and it's just how she manages them. But I really don't want to deal what ever 'coping strategy' she comes up with for my labour.
My midwifes advised I just don't tell her till babies here, but I know how much it will hurt her, especially as I'll have to tell the in laws when I'm in labour as they live 4 hours away. I don't want to upset her, but I would like to focus on myself throughout labour and not have to worry about how she's going to cope with it. AIBU to just not tell her till babies here?
The first hours of life are very precious. If you are lucky you will get to gaze at your little miracle. Sometimes that doesn't happen because baby is destressed or Mum needs further help, but don't give it up for your own Mothers issues.
Your baby needs you to protect the special times, because you are the Mum, and you sound like you are going to be a very different influence on your child's life than your own Mum. Let it be about the baby.
Tell the in laws after the first feed, they will be there when you have had your babies time.
Thank you so much for that zzzzz, as daft as it sounds that made me tear up a little.
Like everyones saying I need to stop worrying about my Mums issues and all the family and focus on the fact I'm going to be a Mum. I think I'm going to tell the family beforehand we want to be alone during labour, that way Mum's going to be able to prepare herself for it and won't be upset when the time comes and goes. Plus it takes away worrying about peoples reactions afterwards.
I'm feeling alot more positive and in control, I really was getting myself worked up for no good reason.
OP, my situation was somewhat different because having GD and being Induced meant that we did have a slight idea of timescales. But I told everyone up-front that as it was my first and I didn't know how I would feel after the birth, that we'd decided not to have any visitors at the hospital and that DH would let everyone know when baby had arrived.
We also told them that if I felt well enough and changed my mind about visitors we again, would let everyone know.
Not one person was funny about this, GPs included. As it turns out, pretty soon after the birth I was so thrilled and excited that I text everyone myself and then asked my Mum if she would come in (no MIL offended at this because I don't have one ). Again, no-one was put out or offended and once home that night, arranged for visitors to come over the next week. Didn't have any pressure or stress from anyone. Everyone totally understood how I felt (and having all been through it themselves knew how unpredictable labours/births can be and that everyone feels differently about immediate visitors...).
So maybe take this approach upfront.
Definitely don't tell her until the baby has arrived. The last thing you need is her making things difficult during labour and it might get very fraught if the nurses or your DH has to tell her off. Kinder all around to keep her at arm's length.
BTw - I have a DM who's a bit of a drama llama and likes everything to be about her (although not to the same extent as yours!!!). I have found since becoming a mother myself, I've had a lot less paitence for her crap. I've got much better at cutting her dead. After my recent miscarriage became all about her (long dull and irritating story), this pregnancy I've bearly seen them, and I have no intention of getting them anywhere near as involves as they want to be. It is entirely her own fault she's seeing less of us, her desire to be the centre of everything has lead to her being less involved, not more.
You might find you get your mummy tiger backbone too and stop giving a shit. It's a great feeling.
As someone else said, her problems are her problems, you might have been raised to believe it's your job to keep her happy, but once you hold that gorgeous new baby in your arms you'll realise that tihs is your priorty and nothing else matters. You won't have the same headspace for her and suddenly all that will matter is that child.
You will probably be feeling vunerable after giving birth, make sure your DH knows to be a 'gate keeper' and if he has to block your mum's access to you, then so be it.
I'm glad you've made you're decision not to tell anyone when you go into labour, I think its the right choice.
You need to be able to concentrate on you, not be worrying about other people and how they might behave etc.
For my first baby, labour started in the evening, took ages and the last thing I would have wanted was to be harassed by family members, so we told none of them where we were. It was bad enough when Dd was born, as my sister kept ringing the ward for in the early hours for updates, until told to desist by DH, after complaints from the Nursing staff. I was so about it.
Don't tell anyone when you into labour. Explain it after "that everything went so fast" and that the midwives were only focusing on you and baby.
I have to be VERY diplomatic with my Mum, she's already asked if she can be there in the room during labour and was very upset that I said no.
What a bizarre expectation! Giving birth isn't a spectator sport. It never occurred to me that I'd want anyone other than my then dh present at the birth.
When my dgd was born I'd have been astonished to be asked to witness the birth. This was a precious (in the right sense of the word) and private time that my ds2 and ddil shared. Admittedly, he did phone me to say she'd be having a cs in 10 minutes and would I like to drive over to the hospital straightaway but this wasn't in order for me to witness the cs!
I'm not someone who likes to deliberately upset people either but in your case, OP, you have to weigh up the importance of giving birth the ay that you and your DP have decided over her completely unreasonable demands.
Unless someone has other children that they need childcare for I really cannot understand why anyone needs to tell anyone else that they are in labour. I only told one person and that was only because my waters went while I was talking to her on the phone. She was a friend from work and kept ringing the hospital to see how I was getting on.
It really isn't difficult to not tell anyone. Switch your mobiles off and go to hospital - end of.
If your mother has issues with not being the centre of attention she will have a rude awakening after the baby is born.
I agree with 2rebecca about not making your mum's problem into your own.
It sounds like your mum is going to create drama whatever you do, so do what is best for you at the time and deal with her later. If her feelings are hurt, well hard luck, I'm afraid. This time it's all about you, your baby and your DH and everyone else needs to sort themselves out.
My Mum used to be a midwife and I still wouldn't want her there! Procedures have changed a lot since she last delivered a baby, and I know she'd probably get faffy or try to take over. If I were you I'd just announce the birth. But if you must, the later you tell her you're in labour, the less time it gives her to make a scene!
Personally I wouldn't tell your mum or your inlaws until the baby is born. Assuming that you don't want a visit from your inlaws with a cord hanging out of your fanjo and sat in a pool of blood then you don't need to phone them before the birth.
My next door neighbour was the first to know. I was out shopping with her one morning a week before due date and I suddenly felt water trickling down my legs into my winter boots! My waters had broken. She walked me home and we called the midwife (home birth 100 years ago). My DS was born at dawn the next day with only the midwife and my
then now ex DH present in the bedroom and I shouted to him to,"Get out." I just didn't want anyone there except the midwife. The neighbour spent the night downstairs with my DH and was there to help with clearing up. (She had to teach my XDH how to wrap the placenta in newspaper and put it on the fire).
We didn't have a telephone then so used another neighbour's to telephone my parents who came later that day - they had a car. My DM stayed for 10 days to 'look after me'. Then MIL came 50 miles by public transport for a further 10 days for the same. Everything went swimmingly
not that I use those boots now.
I had my mum and dh with me but drew the line at mil inviting herself! Glad you've made a choice that feels right. Good luck
Just you and your dp at the hospital and text the others when dc is born.Good Luck.
I don't think it is an occasion for mothers- they have already had the experience! Just ignore, smile and nod and tell her afterwards.
We told two sets of people. The friend who was supposed to be coming over that day (who sent a good luck text and left us to it) and MIL as FIL had just been rushed to hospital with a heart problem and was phoning us in a panic and said 'I'll call you in an hour to let you know how dad is" just as we were loading up the car.
My parents had no clue. Which, quite frankly was a good thing as dd got stuck, it all took days, there was emergency procedures and haemorrhages. MIL was frantic. My parents were in the pub, asleep and at Sainsburys. They were so much happier.
Don't tell anyone, why is it so common these days to 'announce' when you go into labour? Am I being naive but unless you need child/pet/elderly relative care surely NO ONE needs to know? .
I didn't tell anyone when I had my DS - DH & I went to hospital, I gave birth
by EMCS I came round, after a few hours I phoned my parents and DH phoned his mother, no one insisted on visiting immediately, everyone was very respectful.
Stop giving your mum info. Be vaguer. This is only going to get worse after the baby's here. There's nothing to take th spotlight away like a gorgeous newborn. My mum is like this. Since having kids I have kept her at more and more of a distance. Being a mum myself has highlighted even further to me her deficiencies, unfortunately. I have enough to deal with bringing up my own kids without her angsting all over me all the time. Stop playing into her hands by giving her so much detail. If you need the ecv just don't tell her when it is, or better yet, don't tell her about it at all. Either baby will stay as it is, or 'yes it's fab, baby's turned!'
Just say there wasn't time. We didn't tell anyone until dd was 8 hours old. Didn't answer the telephone, just met dd and worked out what it was like to be a family. I think your sanity and comfort during the birth is more important than the risk of upsetting your mother. This is YOUR body, your birth, your baby.
YANBU! And you don't have to give reasons. No one has a right to be at the birth, except you.
I have a mom similar to yours, and on the day I knew the baby would arrive soon I told here that everything was fine when she phoned. We went to the hospital a few hours later (in the evening), and the baby was there the next morning. Only a few hours later I felt like telling anyone.
I had a similar experience as DontmindifIdo. Once my baby was there I had way less time and patience to deal with my mom's problems. I found out that the easiest is to always tell her that everything is fine, because she will make a big deal about her feeling sooo bad because she is soooo worried . And I am only seeing now that she was always like this (maybe not as bad when she was younger) and I am a bot sorry for my younger self.
I had a similar experience as DontmindifIdo. Once my baby was there I had way less time and patience to deal with my mom's problems. I found out that the easiest is to always tell her that everything is fine, because she will make a big deal about her feeling sooo bad because she is soooo worried hmm. And I am only seeing now that she was always like this (maybe not as bad when she was younger) and I am a bot sorry for my younger self.
OP, from now on, there is only one mother who you need to worry about - YOURSELF.
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