To wonder what the fcuk is actually wrong with so many MIL's?(79 Posts)
Do they conveniently forget what it's like to have a baby and be a new mum? Why do so many make comments about weight? Why do they assume some wives and gf's can't cook or are lazy? Please God never let me become one of these people.
I've got on really well with my MIL, a brief period of her being completely irrational not withstanding (that was a whole different thread though). I was ecstatic when we later found out her horrible, insulting comments, were the result of a bad reaction to some steroids prescribed by her doctor (they sent her grief and pain into overload and the results were not nice for anyone). She was mortified when her meds were changed and she went back to her normal personality.
She raised her children well and DH is a wonderful man who I am proud to call my husband, for that I will always respect her.
In my sleep deprived haze I meant to say I only agree with your first sentence Hobbitation of "Fucked up mother-son relationships, that's what." My dh isn't golden boy and I am not going to bring my son up that way either. Dh and his mother do have a very fucked up relationship though...and aparently it's all my fault!
My MIL is great, does a bit of fretting and isn't great at cooking, but she is lovely. My mother however is entirely caught up in herself & the favourite daughter.
the bridezillas who have to have the perfect wedding day with everything their way (sod the groom) go on to be nightmare DIL's who put their own mother's first and have to have everything their way (sod the father)
I have a fab mil and fil. They would do anything for us and always seem to know when we need them. They would both drop everything for any of us. Mil is funny and when dh and I got engaged she said right from the start if she ever oversteps the mark then I was to say rather than getting pissed off and letting it fester. But to be honest they are both just lovely generous people with big hearts and strong family values. I feel very blessed to have brought children into such a lovely family.
I was engaged before though and had horrific inlaws to be. Also my mil's mil is awful and mil has had terrible time over the years so maybe has learnt from that too
I think its completely natural to feel more comfortable with your own Mum. She is after all the person who taught you most of what you know about being a Mum. It is, as other people have said, far easier to dismiss your own mum when they tell you you are doing something wrong or if you don't agree. There is no need for pretense, or politeness.
It is always going to be a trickier relationship with someone who is just as close to your DC, but you did not directly choose, and you just don't know as well. That's not to say it can't be good, but it is not likely to come as easily.
I say that as someone who is lucky enough to have a lovely MIL!
Op, I think we (GMs) do remember what it was like to be a new mum and it wasn't like it is now! When I had both of my DC I was in hospital for over a week - we weren't thrown out of hospital the same day or 24 hours later. Of course if you have been in hospital for so long when you go home you are in a different state to when you are released after x-number of hours. Also we didn't have all the information at our finger tips which people have these days - we just had to get on with things to the best of our ability and subsequently some of those things have been found to be not good for the baby.
I meet some women for lunch occasionally and I was staggered to find that half of them have big issues with their DiLs - to me these are well-adjusted, kind people and I have great difficulty in hearing some of their stories.
I think most of us MiLs try very hard to keep our DILs on side - we are very aware that our relationship with our sons and GC is reliant on their goodwill. I am very fortunate that I have a lovely SiL and DiL and I feel very sorry for all of you who don't get on with your families.
I'm one of the lucky ones, Both my parents in law are amazing! So supportive and helpful we choose to live a few minutes away from them... On the other hand I chose over a decade ago to live several hundred miles away from my own mum... Probably says it all!!
My dh didn't really have a relationship with his mother. Packed off to boarding school for being bit unruly. She had 5 kids, he was eldest of 4 boys. Other's were her golden children. 1 stil lives with her at 45 never left, does everything for him. Dh doesn't even get a call on his b'day!
When her gs came along she couldn't be around enough and thought she could dictate. Resulting now no relationship at all.
She has shown me not what do and how hopfully in future I can be a good mil.
Hobbitation you got in in one I think!
My mil spent a long time complaining about how she didn't want her son...my dh...and how he ruined her life etc. Then when he left, after being kicked out several times, and made a life for himself with me it suddenly all became my fault. I had stole her pfb! Wtf!
I'm being really brief as it would take days to go through all the vile things she has actually said and done to both dh and I.
She has taught me about what not to do when/if I become a mil myself...I've said it before but I will strive to be a good one which would be the polar opposite of her.
Mine is used to being in control and over the years has come to take silence as assent.
It doesn't help that her daughter is quite happy to leave her to make important decisions about her Dgd.
I have a sneaky feeling she accessed my hospital notes when DD was born (she could have easily requested through her job and knows stuff I didn't until I reviewed them with midwife this month).
Another one whose MIL is far warmer, kinder, more helpful and less judgemental than her own mother.
My MIL is great fun, very modern-thinking and terrific company. We're having a weekend together in Copenhagen soon and i can't wait.
Most recent text from MIL: What a busy day you've had, hope you are putting your feet up with a big glass of red wine.
Most recent text from mother: Your auntie Margaret's birthday card arrived two days late. Why didn't your post it earlier?
I love my MIL a lot, she loves me, absolutely loves my children - we've worked at our relationship. She wasn't so fussed on me 20 years ago but we sorted that out. My husbands MIL on the other hand - she is slightly more work.
My own mum knows me well enough to know when to back off. My MIL doesn't.
My mum appreciates that DH and I are in charge of our family and we know what is best for our DCs. My MIL doesn't. In fact I get so annoyed at the way she speaks to DH as if he hasn't got a clue about parenting, I don't know how he keeps his mouth shut.
Also in my family we are generally pretty straight talking, whereas in DHs family there's lots of passive-aggressive behaviour which really winds me up.
Jealous of all these lovely MILs - my DH was told (on hearing we were moving in together) "you are an idiot". A marriage and pregnancy later "it doesn't matter what happens to Empire now, as long as the baby arrives healthy".
I love my ddils. I have 3 two sddils and one 'blood' who is from another culture. They are all amazing. I have had one row with Turkish ddil in 17 years and none with other two. I feel lucky, they seem to like me and make me welcome when I visit.
I love my dsil too-what's wrong with me?
I'm not sure it's a case of necessarily tolerating or welcoming the same behaviour from your own mother, or not a lot of the time. With your own mother you know how to manage the situation, so know when you can be a bit more blunt or gently humour them while actually ignoring what they've said or done. It's different with MILs. You don't have the same depth of relationship and have to establish where the boundaries are. That in turn will be affected by the existing relationship between MIL and DP.
I think that what Hecate says is so very, very true. Behaviour that is easily tolerated, or even welcomed and seen as good, is the exact opposite if it happens to be MIL!
It can't be that mothers of DDs are so much better than mothers of DSs!
I have a fab MiL.
She has never interfered, criticised or been anything other than a loving Nan despite only living 10 minutes down the road.
As long as her bingo nights aren't disrupted she's always there if we need her!
Another one with an awesome MIL.
I want to live with her...
I am so lucky with my MIL. She is a lovely, kind, considerate lady who loves me and, most importantly, is a wonderful grandmother. She will do anything for me at the drop of a hat and tries not to interfere.
You can have my mother though and I'd hate to be her daughter in law.
My mother in law is wonderful. I love her so much. You could just sink into those arms and stay in them forever. I honestly have never in my life met anyone with a presence that is more comforting.
I remember when she came over to stay, when my first child was a few months old. I was really stressed one time because I couldn't get him to take his milk. Me and my mother in law don't speak the same language but she clearly got what was going on because she said something and held out her arms and sort of beckoned. I practically chucked him at her!
She said something to him, tipped him a bit and he drank the lot, no problem and fell asleep
She has no idea how close I came to burning her passport and forcing her to stay forever
My own mother, otoh, is and always has been a bit crap bless her. If she was my mother in law, she'd be a classic one
I think people generally are nicer/more forgiving to their own mothers. Behaviour that would earn your mother in law the label 'toxic' is justified, excused, accepted or just plain not noticed if it's your mother.
And what is loving involvement from your mother - eg phoning you loads, coming round, wanting to be a big part of your life - is seen as overwhelming, interfering... from your mother in law.
A comment from your mother is helpful
The same comment from your mother in law is critical
Your mother coming over every day is fine. She's your mum!
Your mother in law coming over every day is Just Too Much...
Some mother in laws never let go of their sons and think they should come first
Some daughter in laws think that their own mother is more family to their own family unit than the mother of their husband is.
And then there are the actual horrible people. On either side. The control freaks. The ones who believe they're still in charge. Those who don't recognise their offspring as independent adults.
Then you've got the out and out bonkers.
My MIL is good! We're very similar which in some ways is great but occasionally we can butt heads. Thankfully we are both very polite and respectful about it.
My poor DH has a crazy MIL, my mum has had a really bad time stabilising her moods around menopause and its been a tough few years. She was a bit mental before but nothing this bad. We're trying to forgive and forget but it's difficult.
I used to get on well with MIL until she and FIL started to interfere in our lives because they could do exactly that with their daughter and her now ex husband by financially controlling them (they were perfectly willing to take it). Then when they were asked not to interfere by DH they pretty much ignored the fact they had a son.
I think my mum can be a right pain at times but DH thinks he has a good MIL.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.