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Son's wife and my grandchild

(1000 Posts)
Frenchspeak Wed 16-Jan-13 20:36:08

Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son’s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn’t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn’t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn’t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn’t think she’s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she’d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child’s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

DialsMavis Wed 16-Jan-13 20:38:14

Surely this is a reverse AIBU? It must be!

oneforthemoney Wed 16-Jan-13 20:38:51

How old is the baby?

I would not have left my newborn behind at a party.

I dont think 2 visitors at a time is unreasonable in the very early days either.

Annakin31 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:39:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleOgies Wed 16-Jan-13 20:40:33

This is the most blatant reverse aibu ever.

Signet2012 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:40:37

Has to be a reverse. Either that or you have forgotten what it was like when you had your sons!

sittinginthesun Wed 16-Jan-13 20:40:38

How old is the baby?

InNeatCognac Wed 16-Jan-13 20:40:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:41:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Wed 16-Jan-13 20:42:19

Assuming the baby is still really small, it is up to your son and wife. If you keep on pushing her, she may well turn round and tell you to fuck off go away and not come back. You see your grandchild on her suffrance. It's harsh, it may even be unfair, but it's the reality of the situation.
Look at it from her side
AIBU: "I have a newborn and am struggling to get into a routine and recover from the birth. We asked everyone to only come to visit two at a time so we can cope without being overwhelmed but my MiL kicked off and tried to insist on bringing DHs brother and his girlfriend with her and FiL. I had to insist on only two at a time and now she is bad mouthing me and complaining, and trying to turn the rest of the family against me. She is organising a get together and trying to get me to go home when I am tired and leave my new born to be passed round like a parcel. How can I get her to just lay off until I get used to being a mum, have healed and rested, and got a routine going? I don't want to fall out with her, but she just won't back off"

TheseGoToEleven Wed 16-Jan-13 20:42:38

Good for the wife for being able to say exactly what she is willing to do I say! What is this "need to be included"?!

wannabedomesticgoddess Wed 16-Jan-13 20:42:45


The woman has just had a baby. She comes first. Sorry, it must be hard but honestly, you need to lower expectations.

Also, stop blaming just her. How do you know your son didnt suggest the two visitors rule himself?

Sirzy Wed 16-Jan-13 20:42:55

Yup got to be a reverse AIBU.

Greensleeves Wed 16-Jan-13 20:43:29

Um, I think your DIL's need for peace and quiet to recover after giving birth trumps your desire to take photographs hmm. Why couldn't you take them later? Some women can't face visitors at all when they have just had a baby.

Re: the party - it is for the parents to organise a party for their baby, not you. Of course you are excited about your grandchild, but it is not appropriate for you to take charge of who sees their child and when.

It doesn't sound to me as though she wants to push you out of their lives. If she did you would not have been invited to see the new baby at all. It sounds to me as though you are pushing too hard, too soon and if you don't rein it in you WILL end up alienating your son and his wife.

LunaticFringe Wed 16-Jan-13 20:43:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eslteacher Wed 16-Jan-13 20:43:34

There are grains of reasonability, but not understanding why she doesn't want to leave her newborn at a family party without her being there, and thinking that photographs are more important than what a woman who has just given birth feels up to...YANBU / reverse AIBU.

fatfinger Wed 16-Jan-13 20:43:46

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

LittleChimneyDroppings Wed 16-Jan-13 20:44:14

This is a reverse isn't it? Please let it be a reverse.

alisarah Wed 16-Jan-13 20:44:16

Yabu.. I wouldn't leave my newborn at all for a couple of months.. esp if bf. Why didn't did other son's gf 'have to come too'?

I don't think any of her requests are particularly unreasonable. Sounds like you don't like the fact she is dictating how things will be in her family.

bran Wed 16-Jan-13 20:45:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryTrees Wed 16-Jan-13 20:45:40

Are you the DIL? If so, just post the situation normally rather than twisting things round!

Astley Wed 16-Jan-13 20:46:12

YABU just for 'son' wife' hahaha no wonder she doesn't like you!

maddening Wed 16-Jan-13 20:46:22

Whether she is right or wrong you need to tread carefully and really respect what she wants - you would be in danger of damaging the relationship and further pushing them away. Remember what it was be a first time mum - the more you show you respect her boundaries the more she'll let you in

You also need to forge a friendship with her for the sake of the future - always ask how she is before the baby. Don't rush to take the baby. Do nice things to help her. Don't force a party on her.

DoodleAlley Wed 16-Jan-13 20:46:24

It's tricky to comment without knowing age of baby for party but I don't think your dil is necessarily being unreasonable.

Things like having to bring your sons girlfriend dont seem necessary and certainly a family party for the baby would have filled me with borrow for the first month or two at least and obviously a breastfed baby would need to return with mum. Although you wouldn't have prised DS from me anyway bf or bottle!

So I do have sympathy for your dil I'm afraid but then don't know all the details

TheDeadlyDonkey Wed 16-Jan-13 20:46:36

How old is the baby? Sounds very young still.

I know the baby is your family, but first and foremost, the baby is your ds and ddil's.
The conditions set after the birth are probably something that they set together, to make sure they are not overwhelmed with visitors.
Organising a party for your family to meet the baby sounds (IMO) a bit OTT and inappropriate. I would have felt very overwhelmed at this.
As for suggesting that she leaves the baby and goes home to rest? Really? Seriously?

Before I read your op, I was bristling with rage at the title. It is not your son's wife and your grandchild, it is your daughter in law and her child
Do not try to get your son on your side, that is mil from hell territory.

Oh, and YABU, in case you didn't guess.

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