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to not wake up to find MiL giving her house guests a tour of my house?

(153 Posts)
abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:12:24 still a bit bleary eyed & stunned & it may be that I calm down once I wake up but I doubt it.

Am currently 39 weeks pregnant with DC2. Inlaws live relatively nearby so we gave them a house key a couple of weeks ago and emphasised that it was for labour related emergencies only. We have avoided giving them a key before as they have a history of invading our privacy (when I was on maternity leave with DS they would regularly turn up without warning or checking it was convenient. On one occasion I was in the ensuite shower and they appeared in our bedroom to inform me they were visiting). We told asked them not to visit without calling first but they constantly ignored this and continued to let themselves in if DS & I were napping to the point I got anxiety related insomnia and we asked for the key back.

So, DS is currently teething and I was up pretty much half hourly from 3-6am with him and then got him up & ready for nursery while DH headed to work. After dropping him off I went back to bed to recharge and was shocked to be woken about an hour later by voices in the hallway. In the confusion of wondering what was happening (initially I thought it was the radio) I was hoisting myself out of bed when MiL barged into our bedroom with 2 house guests she has visiting from USA. We have recently renovated our house and she explained she was giving them a tour as she was passing. She was really quite snide about the fact I was sleeping and made a few cruel jokes to her guests about me still being in bed at 11am when the breakfast dishes were still sitting on the kitchen table downstairs before heading out again. By the time I grabbed some clothes and composed myself to go downstairs (I was a bit teary and shaken) they had left.

I would welcome advice on what to do please. Unfortunately we are reliant on them for childcare when I go into labour so I know I can't do anything too hasty but I am very upset. I haven't called DH yet as he is likely to fly off the handle. I have spent the last hour or so feeling rather pathetic so am off for a shower now (with the key left in the lock!) and would welcome suggestions as to how I can draw a line under this.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 16-Jan-13 13:57:42

Wow. I am very sorry. you must be fuming. I have no experience of such family members I am afraid. I would though:

1. Tell DH, cousins, anyone etc. what a cheek!

2. reduce your exposure/her importance:
Do approach some mums at school. You are not asking for regular childminding duties here, just a few mums who are willing to be called/ pick up DS when you go to hospital. Your DS will know the other kids so it is also easier on him. I did this when DC3 came along and people are so nice. I asked most mums in advance and had a phone list in my handbag but only used a couple in the end.

I like turning up at her house in retaliation but not sure if it would not start the war of the roses (the film not the English History).

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:59:35

Thanks everyone. They ended up with the key during a rather horrid emergency situation when I was admitted to hospital and DH had to leave me to collect DS from nursery and an overnight bag for me. It was all fairly chaotic and you're all right that I can't have it both ways. We have had it out with her in the past and am happy to do so again or to set DH on her but am aware with my current hormone levels that am at risk of dissolving into tears if I don't have my argument sorted in my head. I have a bag packed for DS and they already have essentials at their house so I will call and ask for the key back and explain that if there is an emergency we will take DS to hospital with us and leave a key hidden in the shed or something.

Thanks everyone. Off to call now!

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 14:00:04

PS - some of these solutions made me giggle so thanks!!

Hobbitation Wed 16-Jan-13 14:00:29

YANBU, appalling behaviour.

YouCannotBeSirius Wed 16-Jan-13 14:00:51

Your MIL needs to be told that what she did was awful. If no-one pulls her up on this, she will think that it's perfectly okay to gain access to your home whenever she feels like it.

She may well try to play the victim. Expect it to be twisted around to "I only called in to help. When I saw those dishes in the sink, I wasn't sure whether Abigboydidit had left the house in a hurry. Don't be so mean to poor little me when I was only trying to help."

She will be looking for some attention and drama. Don't give her any. If she withdraws her offer of help, tell her that you respect her decision and leave it at that. It will take the wind out of her sails and leave the ball in her court.

Hobbitation Wed 16-Jan-13 14:01:58

I bet the guests were excruiciatingly embarrassed as well. Why would they be interested in her son/DIL's house anyway? Bonkers.

Thumbwitch Wed 16-Jan-13 14:03:49

oh Lordy, don't tell her NOW where you're going to hide the key, that would be just as bad as her having it in her hot sticky little hand! Worse, she'd probably tell Evie-up-the-road as well where you'd hidden it!

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 14:04:30

No reply - grr! Was all prepared for a showdown there. Have left a slightly stuttering voicemail as was caught off guard but think my tone will be enough to make it clear she's in the shit. Calling DH now and think will ask him to pop past on his way home to pick up the key & shout at her.

Thanks again everyone. Had convinced myself she needed the key but there are other ways, even if they are slightly more convoluted.

FryOneFatManic Wed 16-Jan-13 14:05:19

I do agree with letting your DH take a pop at her. If he's likely to get incandescent then don't feel guilty. You gave her a second chance and she abused it.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 16-Jan-13 14:05:48

Thinking about that key -

"Unfortunately the key is needed as we live quite far away from the hospital and I have had a couple of admissions already where we needed them to collect DS from nursery and bring him back to the house. "

So they only need the key if they are collecting DS? Would it be possible to arrange with the nursery that they hold the key and would give it to her when she picked DS up? Or for the key to be securely attached to DS's coat or bag?

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 14:07:23

That's a genius idea WhereYouLeftIt! Curse my pregnancy addled brain!

Waiting for DH to call back now <drums fingers>

sudaname Wed 16-Jan-13 14:08:57

You could get a small keysafe for outside your house with a pin code to get in it. They are discreet - you can fit them out of sight somewhere - but very secure even if 'spotted' unless you have the code. Would do a link to one but l struggle with links. Beauty is you can change the pin no. as often as you like so only give it to her when you have an emergency and then change it pronto afterwards but dont tell her grin.
But she would simply never ever get access to my house using a key ever again if it were me

DoodlesNoodles Wed 16-Jan-13 14:08:57

This is easy to sort out....... smile

Get an additional lock for the door. You and DH have both keys and you lock the second lock when you are home. If you are out and MIL may need access then you leave the second lock unlocked. It would be much more satisfying to shout and swear but as you need their assistance it may not be the time to do it.

DoodlesNoodles Wed 16-Jan-13 14:10:16

Hope my post makes sense

It does to me hmm

sudaname Wed 16-Jan-13 14:11:09

Good idea Noodles

Chopsypie Wed 16-Jan-13 14:11:26

This thread makes me glad I live a 20 min drive away fro my mother, as this is the sort of thing she would do.

Hope you get sorted soon!

StuntGirl Wed 16-Jan-13 14:14:20

Glad you're setting boundaries with her. You definitely don't want her to keep this up when you've had the baby!

lashingsofbingeinghere Wed 16-Jan-13 14:30:32

OP, would she dare to copy your keys before giving them back?

I second a keysafe with a pin code or fitting a second lock which only you have keys to. Belt and braces and all that.

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 14:52:02

Thanks everyone. Just off the phone to DH. He seemed equally upset as angry so we agreed he will go past on the way home and have it out with her. I don't think she will have copied the key as she is pretty oblivious to how badly she acts and thinks she is bullet proof because of our limited childcare options so wont have considered me taking it back. Now I just have to wait and eat chocolate...

CailinDana Wed 16-Jan-13 14:58:03

Maybe I'm an angry git but if my MIL did something like this I would just stop all contact with her. I would just be so angry to be treated with such disrespect that I wouldn't be able to be around her again unless she grovelled on the floor for forgiveness.

maddening Wed 16-Jan-13 15:07:23

Does this woman have no boundaries- who on earth thinks that is alright to do!

Hope your dh has the desired effect! Would love to be a fly on the wall when he talks to her!

nickelbabe Wed 16-Jan-13 15:18:40

I like the idea of having the spare key attached to DS's bag.

make sure it's one he always has with him, then wherever he is, it'll be there with him.

nickelbabe Wed 16-Jan-13 15:19:04

(maybe it could be the bag his medicine is kept in?)

Buddhastic Wed 16-Jan-13 15:31:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buddhastic Wed 16-Jan-13 15:31:45

Sorry wrong thread, obviously!

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