My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

to not find childhood sweethearts a sweet notion?

58 replies

LittleMermaidAriel · 16/01/2013 04:30

Ok I'm prepared to get flamed for this.

My friend recently told me of a couple she knows (who are in their late 30s) who have been together since they were 13 - "isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever heard??"

I smiled but in my head I was thinking hell to the no. I couldn't imagine living should a sheltered life that I'd only ever been with one person.

I had my heart broken twice, it was one of the worst pains I've ever felt but I feel the experience of that has made me a much stronger person and grow up.

My husband was married before he met me and I couldn't care less that he was married before.

I was on another forum where a woman had been with her husband since 16 and they have 3 boys together. Someone started a thread about a nights out and I remember her saying she never did nights out with friends and would only go out with her husband (then boyfriend) when she turned 18 and that they would meet up with their parents at the end of the night for a drink.

All I kept thinking was what?! You never used to have girls night, dressing up, dancing and drinking. I'm not saying youth has to be drunk and drugged up partying, but surely you need some wildness in your youth?

I have another friend been with her boyfriend since 17. We lived together at one point, all the couple did was argue, and I knew that both had cheated on each other yet they are still together. Why - because they can't imagine life as being single.

I understand it's your own life and do with it as you will but there's just a part of me that cannot find the idea of childhood sweethearts sweet.

OP posts:
Report
thunksheadontable · 16/01/2013 05:30

YABU to assume from the strange examples given that anyone with the same partner since young has led a terribly sheltered life free of heartbreak. I have been with dh since 19 and a) had plenty of boozing and the odd bit of drugging, travelled without him etc just didn't have lots of random sex after I met him and b) by the time I met him I' d had lots of heartache. Living with a cruel alcoholic father as a young girl, having suffered serious neglect and abuse, lost my virginity in a rape situation, bereavement etc.

It has been 16 years and we have had lots of ups and downs and grown up together. He is a decent guy, a great dad, a supportive friend and we challenge the hell out of each other. This last year I have had a diagnosis of OCD and finally terminated contact with my father and there have been times each of us have been lost, bewildered, distant and drifting from one another, heartbroken in our own ways. Yet it is such a help to have his perspectives. When I come home from therapy and say that I am worried about, say, falling into a trap of workaholism again, he can challenge my notions I have always been like this, reminding me of the days I would skip lectures and begin essays the day they were due, the early days of working when he would get drunken phone calls to say I was staying over at a friends and would survive immense hangovers at work, the balance I found at work when ds1 was new. It has been great to have him as a witness, to remind me in my darker days that it was not always like this, to give me hope it will change. Is it ' sweet'? Not particularly. It is just a relationship like any other. I am lucky and grateful it happens to be to someone I can easily imagine growing old with.

Report
HecateWhoopass · 16/01/2013 06:55

Having done all the things you describe (and more), I have to say that it left me cold and looking back, my life would have been no worse for not having done many of the things I've done - it may have been better if I'd avoided some of them!

I think the important thing is not whether or not someone had some wildness in their youth but that they are happy with their life. If they are happy, then they're more lucky than a lot of couples out there!

The arguing couple you describe may not be, and that's sad for them. but they could just be not right for each other and may well have been this way if they'd spent their 20s chugging back the booze and sleeping around and then got together.

I don't think you have to have the experiences you describe. There are many valid choices and that life is just one of them.

Report
fryingpantoface · 16/01/2013 07:00

I didn't have a childhood sweetheart. I dated, but it was never serious and my dh is the only person I have ever slept with.

I've never slept around, done drugs, gone clubbing with the girls (I have always preferred to read) and I don't feel I've ever missed out.

So I'd say yabu

Report
Diddydollydo · 16/01/2013 07:06

YABU. Surely you can see that just because it may not suit you it may suit other people? My sister has been with BIL since they were 15. They're in their 50s now and ridiculously happy so I don't see why that's a bad thing. They have 4 children and lots of independent interests. I think they're lucky.

Report
CailinDana · 16/01/2013 07:06

I met DH when I was 19, which isn't majorly young, but even then I had never had "girls night" - I can't imagine anything worse. Assuming that other people like what you like is a bit misguided. Because you enjoyed "wildness" doesn't mean other people will - everyone is different.

Being heartbroken is something I can easily do without. For me, meeting a wonderful, kind caring man young and having a great life with him beats that any day.

Some couples work, some don't, but assuming that there's something wrong with all couples who met young doesn't make sense.

Report
thebody · 16/01/2013 07:07

Yabu, if we were all the same the world would be a full place.

However I don't see a childhood sweetheart as any 'sweeter'than any other relationship either.

Report
AppleOgies · 16/01/2013 07:08

YABU I have been with my husband since I was 18, married at 31 and our DC arrived at 33. Why does the fact I have not had my heart broken, had sex with another man or want to go out of an evening with my husband offend you?

I personally wouldn't like to have married a man who had been married before, but I won't judge you.

Report
Greythorne · 16/01/2013 07:11

YANU, of course.

What suits you doesn't suit others.

It's a sign of maturity to realize that people are unique and choose different paths. Having your heartbroken and going out on the lash does not make you more grown up, more mature or more insightful.

Report
janey68 · 16/01/2013 07:11

What an odd OP. I know some couples whove been together since their teens who have great social lives , individual friends as well as couple friends and who live life to the full.

Equally I know people who have had a string of relationships who aren't any the happier for it and haven't necessarily learned from the experience. I can think of one acquaintance in particular who quite depressingly goes through serial relationships where she makes the same mistakes every time, falling for men who end up being no good but for some reason she vainly hopes its be different.

I agree it sounds a little sentimental to describe it as 'the sweetest thing ever' but why have a problem with couples who have been together happily since they were young? I think it can actually show really admirable qualities when the couple are happy and fulfilled- it shows that they are able to sustain a partnership while also having their own lives and friendships, rather than expecting another person to fulfil their needs and then splitting up and moving to the next one when they realise no one can do that for you.

I'm not suggesting everyone should be married. Obviously it's not something everyone wants. But equally i wouldn't assume everyone who has notched up a string of relationships or marriages is blissfully fulfilled.
Your friends in your examples sound very odd anyway, and I guess wouldn't be the going out types whether they were single either

Report
AppleOgies · 16/01/2013 07:11

Incidentally we did our fair share of drinking, dancing and partying with our friends of both sex (girls night out -shudder-) at university and then after 8 years at uni settled down and prefer dinner together and movies.

Report
CabbageLeaves · 16/01/2013 07:13

Splinters from this fence I'm sat on....

I think YABU for inferring anything about happy childhood sweethearts but YANBU in suggesting experience is a good thing. Many 'get lucky' with their sweetheart but am sure others jog along papering over the cracks and making it work because they don't know any different or can't imagine splitting. I think that 1st love is special and a strong attachment but not always the most compatible happiest partner.

Report
feministefatale · 16/01/2013 07:13

It depends on the couple totally, my parents met very young and basically "grew up" together which I think meant they were never really able to be adults in their own right. But for some people it is exactly right. It wouldn't be for me and I hope not for my dc but I'm sure it does work for some people

Report
Morloth · 16/01/2013 07:21

YABU.

I met DH when I was 16 and married when I was 21.

We have had a blast.

If I were to die tomorrow, I can honestly hand on heart say that there is nothing I would have done differently.

We were lucky to find each other so young, it meant we got to do all the fun things you list either together or always knowing that there was someone there to go home to.

Report
Annunziata · 16/01/2013 07:24

Having a childhood sweetheart and 'being young' aren't the same. My parents were so strict with me- midnight curfew until I was married, they kept my wages, my dad wouldn't let me go anywhere alone, I wasn't even allowed in DH's car until we got married!

But none of that has anything to do with DH. We grew up next door to one another, started going out when we were 14 (my parents were not happy, it was quite the rebellion!), married 5 years later. This year will be our 24th anniversary. I'm so happy. I don't care that I was never drunk or never went partying.

Report
JusticeCrab · 16/01/2013 07:25

I don't think it's 'sweet'. But then I don't think it's 'not sweet' either. I think it's 'a particular family circumstance'.

I do know one couple who have been married for 8 years and have been together since their mid-teens. They seem to be doing OK.

Report
nonpractisingVirgin · 16/01/2013 07:28

This is a difficult one as thunkshead's post sums up how much support someone can get from having a consisten partner but YANBU in that I think people (pre kids) take more risks when single and as life is more unpredictable, it can be more exciting and it's good to experience that before the routine of partner and DCs

Report
janey68 · 16/01/2013 07:42

On the other hand though there must be advantages to meeting your 'life partner' young and having time to travel/ do stuff which is harder once kids come along. Sometimes couples who don't get together til their thirties might feel pressure to have children quickly so never get those freedom years of just being a couple

Report
nonpractisingVirgin · 16/01/2013 07:43

Agree with that but I think it's more about doing things by yourself, not as part of any couple

Report
ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 16/01/2013 07:44

I got together with dp when I was 13, I never did the clubbing thing but we do most activities seperately. Either way 'girls nights' and falling into the gutter pissed would be my idea of hell, I don't feel i've missed out !

Report
nonpractisingVirgin · 16/01/2013 07:45

Childhood sweetheart is sweet when thought about through rose tinted glasses in the past, must be a bit strange when said childhood sweetheart is now hairy old man!

Report
Morloth · 16/01/2013 07:47

Not everything has to be done as a couple.

I have done plenty of travelling by myself whilst married to DH.

Report
Bluemonkeyspots · 16/01/2013 07:48

I met dh at 18 (though he was a bit older)

The only thing i ever felt i missed out on was a proper "girls holiday"

Then we spent our holiday last year in a complex where there were heaps of girl groups and I realised I never really missed out at all!

Girls are even more bitchy in the sun that what they are here!

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

cory · 16/01/2013 08:34

YABU for assuming that everybody who has not led exactly your life must have had a sheltered life with no experiences. I have been with dh since I was 19 and he was my first boyfriend; we have been together for 30 years. But during that time I have packed in 10 years at university, time abroad in different countries, plenty of partying, travelling around as an archaeologist living in some pretty rough places. (But agree with Cailin and others that girls nights out would be my idea of hell.)

What are you supposed to do if, through no fault of your own, you happen to meet the person you want to be with when you happen to be quite young? Go off and shag lots of people you don't happen to want to shag just to fit into some sort of box? Would that be fair on the other people? Would it be fair on me? Aren't we told these days that women are supposed to have sex because they want it? The implication being that you're not supposed to do it just to please a man. But is it any better to do it just to anxiously fit into a box? Can't we just be allowed to do what we happen to feel like?

Report
tabulahrasa · 16/01/2013 08:43

I've been with my DP since I was 16 - I'm not quite sure what it's got to do with going out with friends though, we're not physically attached to each other...

Report
thunksheadontable · 16/01/2013 12:19

Yes it is also true that the stereotype of being attached at the hip doesn't hold for many. Dh and I have always had our own friends and interests. We will have nights out with our friends as individuals and as a couple but probably rather more as individuals. He has been on holiday with his friends and I with mine.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.