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to want to cancel going to this wedding

(326 Posts)
nennypops Tue 15-Jan-13 21:16:09

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

blondefriend Mon 22-Apr-13 21:52:43

I went into work and managed an Ofsted inspection of my department when DD was 6 weeks old. It's easy when they're tiny and they're not in the way at all.

HeadfirstForHalos Mon 22-Apr-13 20:30:09

I thought there was an update when I saw this thread

I hope the situation resolved itself OP!

dutchyoriginal Mon 22-Apr-13 20:04:05

I wonder what happened in the end?

wonderstuff Sat 09-Feb-13 16:58:20

I don't agree that having bf baby means that you miss stuff. I bf both of mine and while they were tiny they just went wherever with me. A tiny baby is not the same as having children around. I also think that having a church wedding and insisting on no children or babies is very odd.

dutchyoriginal Sat 09-Feb-13 16:37:49

Hi OP, what happened in the end?

annabeldp Fri 18-Jan-13 15:16:51

Haven't read the whole thread, and I'm honestly not sure whose BU. It's entirely up to Bride and Groom who they want, but I can't believe they wouldn't have considered their Best Man had (I assume) a fairly small child.

We had planned a child free wedding (only one local friend with kids so no problem). But another good friend then announced she'd be having a baby a couple of months before. She was from far away so no chance of leaving behind even if not bf.

We decided to change our minds and say baby more than welcome, and therefore our other friends toddlers too. Baby came - can't say I even realised she was there! Toddlers didn't - mum wanted a night out.

fluffyraggies Fri 18-Jan-13 09:44:11

Hope OP will update.

I got married last April - tiny wedding, 30 guests.

I forgot to add the kids names on the invites blush but it was cleared up with a phone call.

In the mix we had - a heavily pregnant woman, a 6 week old baby, a 5 year old, a 7 year old, two 14 year old's, a 16 year old, an 18 year old, a couple of 20 year old's, a sprinkle of 30 and 40 something's, 2 in their 50's, 2 in their 60s and 1 in their 70s grin It was lovely, everyone enjoyed their day, everyone mixed well and had fun.

Not long after that an invite came for a family wedding stipulating no kids at the ceremony OR the reception. Allot of the people at my wedding would have gone to this one but couldn't because of the no kids thing. Which was sad.

I still do think though, that the OPs DH should be best man, and the OP should try not to take it personally.

Everybody's idea of their perfect day is different.

DontmindifIdo Fri 18-Jan-13 09:38:36

Kissass - another here not raised surrounded by babies! Our family tends to have their DCs close together, so other than one much younger cousin (when my aunt decided to go for a 3rd), I don't remember babies being round me growing up. When we got married, only one of our friends had DCs (and they didn't live close enough that we saw them alot in the early days of having DCs, and weren't able to make the wedding anyway).

First nappy I ever changed was DS's. In DH's family, DH was the first of all his cousins to have a baby, most of the cousins are older than him. In my family, one of my other cousins had a baby 2 months before. At the time of our wedding, the last child to have been born on both sides was 15. That doesn't mean we are 'dying out' as families, there's been rather a baby boom in the last 5 years since our wedding and as I said up thread, same guests that had no DCs between them (and only a smallish wedding of 70 guests) would now have over 20 DCs and several pregnant woman at it.

Most of us would say that our families are complete, or will just be having another one. Therefore, when the baby I'm currently pregnant with gets to an age to get married (assuming they do!), they might have been the youngest family member and not experienced family babies. Plus short of someone in the family getting divorced then remarried, this baby at most would have 2 wedding to go to - and those aren't close family.

dreamingbohemian Fri 18-Jan-13 09:06:31

kickass -- babies really aren't ubiquitous to everyone! I knew nothing about babies until I had one.

Was an only child, grew up with lots of family around but all older so no new babies arriving.

Left home at 17 and spent my life in big cities, not many kids around, was a big party girl so didn't know many family types.

It's not like I never saw babies but I never really spent any time with them and didn't know how they 'worked'. Neither did I care!

I don't think my experience is that unusual, I know lots of people like this.

MollyMurphy Fri 18-Jan-13 06:19:08

Haven't read the whole thread but my two cents is - your DH needs to call his friend and discuss. The soon-to-be MIL calling you is jaw-droppingly inappropriate. They are being dicks IMO and the whole "their day" jazz shouldn't be a free pass for being rude to their friends who are also their guests. They should show you a bit of flexibility as you have a very young child and a logical reason for not arranging a sitter.

piprabbit Fri 18-Jan-13 01:54:14

My wedding was child free.
One of DHs old friends had a young baby, initially they had agreed that the baby would be babysat for the afternoon/evening.
In the end they just turned up with the baby. Who behaved impeccably. We just smiled and welcomed them, not a lot else we could do and TBH the baby had absolutely no impact on the day (although I did have a cuddle - at which point the baby looked calmly into my eyes before diving head first down my besatined cleavage, it got a laugh grin).

kickassangel Fri 18-Jan-13 01:38:47

you see - I grew up with the kind of family that child free is just not an option. far too many of us, with kids/babies/bumps etc, it just would never happen.

I am always kind of surprised by people who say that they never knew what it was like to have a baby so didn't understand. How do you grow up NOT seeing babies - I mean, they're a pretty ubiquitous part of life. Even if you're a student living at college, surely most people have aunts/cousins/siblings/friends/friends families whatever who have kids - maybe not lots all the time, but unless your family is literally 'dying out' (ie nobody in an entire generation has kids) and all the families of all your friends, then surely you must have SOME idea about babies etc.

NamingOfParts Thu 17-Jan-13 23:08:35

Thanks HoratiaWinwood and choceyes that was exactly my point. What can seem perfectly obvious to one person can be rather less clear to others. Not everyone follows the same etiquette rules. For example some people assume that a wedding invitation for Mr & Mrs is an invitation for Mr or Mrs plus 1.

In my opinion a considerate host would be clear about the invitation when they are aware that there are other people in the guests' household.

choceyes Thu 17-Jan-13 22:35:17

We have received invites for mr and Mrs choceyes and family from people not knowing the childrens names.
Weirdly all the weddings we have been to since the children were born ( they are 4 and 2) have invited them too, even when they weren't that close.

LucieLucie Thu 17-Jan-13 22:33:36

It's been asked repeatedly and still no answer. There is a huge difference btwn a newborn who needs to feed near constantly and a baby aged over 3months.

Bring child care to mind baby in the room and nip back to feed if necessary.

My first thought though was what mermaid said entirely, there may be issues you dont know about. It's their day let them enjoy it their way.

Yabu to encourage your dh to withdraw from being best man because you are bf ing.

HoratiaWinwood Thu 17-Jan-13 22:25:08

Stokes - I would agree except that at a recent wedding we received an invitation to Mr & Mrs Winwood. I replied and said DH would be delighted but because of the DCs I would have to decline; would it be ok if I brought them to the churchyard so I could see the frock?

Bride replied saying children were invited. I think she had forgotten their names, hence not wanting to commit to writing them down... shock grin

andapartridgeinaRowantree Thu 17-Jan-13 21:51:31

Apart from if it was what mermaid said. In which case it's heartbreaking...

andapartridgeinaRowantree Thu 17-Jan-13 21:49:40

Last year I was a bride and my chief bridesmaid had a baby only eight weeks before. She was breast-feeding.

So she had her own room to go to when she needed to and we understood that she couldn't be away from little one. She didn't even come to help me get ready. And that was fine, because as her best mate I loved her little one immediately and couldn't imagine her not being there.

The girl and her mother are self absorbed loons. Don't go.

Btw I'm an only child of a single mum too so those people saying that's the reason, you are also being very unreasonable. Berks.

Stokes Thu 17-Jan-13 21:30:58

When my DCs were small a wedding invitation to Mr & Mrs Parts would leave me wondering whether or not the DCs were invited. Did the invitation include DCs or not?

It's really not difficult at all - people names on the invitation are invited, people not named aren't invited. Invitation coming to Mr & Mrs Parts means Mr & Mrs Parts, not Mr & Mrs Parts & their children.

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 21:11:16

OP I think you might have to back out, but do try and persuade your DH to still go. Perhaps the bride and groom are being unreasonable and getting her mother to call is so childish, but its probably not worth ruining a relationship over.

We had a child free wedding (our reason was that we had lots of failed ivf and wanted the day not to be thinking about our failure to conceive and have children - slightly flawed by my sister going into labour at the reception and the MC going on and on about the wedding cake being a fertility symbol and how if I ate it I would get pregnant on the honeymoon -if only), but I still cringe about it years later, although nobody minded and only two of our friends had children by then.

I can see why your DH has the hump and wants to back out, its probably more to do with the manner that this has been done with the mother calling.

mermaid101 Thu 17-Jan-13 20:49:04

I've read this whole thread, but quite quickly, so apologies if this point has already been raised. While I do think that the Bride and Groom do appear to be a bit unreasonable, there might be circumstances the OP may not be aware of.

One of my colleagues was in a similar position, in that she wanted a child free wedding. She had suffered several miscarriages and shortly before her wedding she and her DH were told they would never be able to have children. Very few people knew about this. (I only found out when she confided in me at work when I found her crying).

A relative had given birth shortly before the Wedding and insisted on coming and bringing the baby. The Groom tried to put her off with what must have appeared rather flimsy excuses (along the lines of baby might be cold in the church type reasons the OP has been given)

They brought the baby in the end and my colleague had to have photos taken with the baby and listen to many well meaning friends and family cry "ooooo it will be you next" and other similar comments.

It was heartbreaking to watch her put on a brave face and she told me later how distressing she and her husband found it. Of course, the mother of the new baby and most of the other guests had no idea of their circumstance, but my colleague did say that it caused her massive strain.

I appreciate that this is an unlikely scenario, but could something like this be going on and would this explain the rather odd phone call from the MIL, who might be trying to avoid a similar situation?

tigerKesha Thu 17-Jan-13 19:21:13

What NewAndSparklyMe said. Very wise & sound views. OP is taking things too personally & has clearly taken this as a personal vendetta. If B & G didn't want you there they would not ask DH to be their BM. Given your reaction to the whole situation I can see why they were hesitant to approach OP re-child free wedding, hence last resort of interfering MIL who was slightly off key but trying to smooth things out without causing a farce. I bet deep down DH would like to go to wedding, stag do etc & be there as Best man(as he'd previously accepted readily to be BM) but given your over reaction he doesn't want to disappoint you by saying he should go alone coz you'll probably overreact. When I was BF little baby I missed lots of social functions but was more than happy to have DH go & represent both of us. Sorry if it sound harsh but IMO its true.

DontmindifIdo Thu 17-Jan-13 13:19:20

Cailin - I find it odd really, because due to when we all got married in our group of friends, most weddings were child-free, not by design, just due to lack of small children. I suppose if you get married later or you have a large family with a lot of people in your generation (of cousins etc) 5 or 10 years older than you who've had DCs you might have them, but very few people I know were even having this conversation about child free or not who got married at a similar time as we did, it just wasn't an issue because in our mid 20s, we didn't know anyone with DCs!

NamingOfParts Thu 17-Jan-13 13:00:26

I think that Binfull has it right. While I appreciate that some people lead very independant lives even within their nuclear family and dont like the idea that any of them are joined at the hip other people think and feel differently.

When my DCs were small a wedding invitation to Mr & Mrs Parts would leave me wondering whether or not the DCs were invited. Did the invitation include DCs or not? This would then require a mildly embarassing (for me) phone call to B&G to clarify.

Some people will assume that their DCs are invited. Others will assume that they are not. Much better if the B&G make it clear either way.

YouOldSlag Thu 17-Jan-13 11:50:24

Cailin- that's my persdonal preference too. It's a family day, not a cocktail party.

However, I do respect couples who opt for no kids, but we often can't go. In the past, just one of us has gone and it's not taken personally in either direction. A newborn would be different though, I doubt either of us would go if we had just become parents.

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