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To be considering changing my mind about helping someone after only one meeting?

(121 Posts)
SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 14:01:54

A friend of a friend runs a small business, and is horrendously busy. The three of us all went to a talk a while ago, which is how I know him. We had a great night, and got on very well. He mentioned that he was overwhelmed with work, so I offered to help; research etc, I can do from home. He's not paying me.

So I went along for a meeting with him today, to go over what he needs me to do. I got there and he was really stressed with his accountant. He said, "He's just so disorganised, and rubbish at staying in contact. I think he must have a mental health condition or something." I replied, "Does he just not keep you up to date?". He said, "No, he is just generally crap. I think he must have a mental health condition, and you can't work with people like that. They just don't get it."

So, I said, "Well, actually I have a mental health condition." He looked at me sharply, and said, "We might not get on in that case." I told him I had Borderline Personality Disorder, and explained loosely what that meant. His phone then rang.

Then we started talking over what he needed me to do. Quite a lot more than I was expecting! He talked about a company he had contacted; "The first question they asked me was "are you disabled?". I mean, what is the fucking relevance of that? Some do-gooder set on ticking a box. Would they have helped me if I didn't have any legs?". I bristled again at this, seeing as I walk with a stick, but replied calmly, "I think especially with the current cuts that are going on, people have to give it an appearance of not being a vendetta against disabled people." He retorted, "It's not a vendetta. People have just got used to living outside of their means, and spending too much money, when they don't have it. Everyone can't be a charity case. We're economically fucked."

I don't really know what to do. I feel like I should just carry on and help him, because I said I would. But at the same time, I don't want to either start helping out and then be having to listen to this on a regular basis, or be helping for the wrong reason, ie, an attempt to change his mindset instead of because I want to help.

Currently have a battle between wanting to prove him wrong and wanting to protect myself going on in my head.

Would it be unreasonable to type up what we discussed today, and do what I said I would do before I am due to see him next (Friday), but then say "I'm sorry, but because of your views, I don't feel it will be suitable for us to work together"?

I'm really surprised he came out with this.

ceebie Fri 18-Jan-13 09:20:31

I really think you've handled the situation so well! You've stood up for yourself and voiced your feelings and views really well without getting into a big debate about it. Respect to you! Hope you find some other more worthwhile project to get involved with!

SirBoobAlot Thu 17-Jan-13 16:11:19

KnitFast, don't worry, you're forgiven wink

Haven't responded still (I sometimes loose my resolve after a while and feel guilty) and haven't heard any more. So... Phew!

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 17-Jan-13 15:21:12


Aww diddums. What a self absorbed tosser!

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 17-Jan-13 15:19:44

I see you have already told him where to go - good for you!smile

Note to self - read thread before posting even when it's a hot button issue for you slaps self

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 17-Jan-13 15:17:55

What an ignorant pillock. You can't work with (let alone do a fvour for!) someone whose attitude to you is ''oh my goodness, she has teh mentalz! Gaaah!'
Tell him to stick it. And tell him why - imagine if the issue was you being gay and he responded the way he did? You are NOT being over sensitive - he's a bigot.

SirBoobAlot Thu 17-Jan-13 10:20:46

Yes, that was what I thought Hecate.

This is very unusual for me, feel like I have put myself and my own well being first.

Thank you for all the encouragement, everyone, don't know what I would have done without you!

PickledApples - wow bless you for remembering. I had an MRI two weeks ago, should be getting the results soon. Still struggling with it, though I think I have become used to it to a degree!

MurderOfGoths Thu 17-Jan-13 07:54:39

What Hecate said™

twentyten Thu 17-Jan-13 07:54:05

Congratulations.Be very proud.And remember.Go girl!

HecateWhoopass Thu 17-Jan-13 07:19:26

Oh, and it's very interesting that when made aware that his comments hurt you - he chose to make it all about him - it's a kick in the teeth for him... and defend it as a joke. Oh I was only joking (next step "can't you take a joke?" ) instead of saying I am so so sorry. I take full responsibility. My comments were inappropriate.

He's trying to make you the bad guy for not accepting his treatment of you and oversensitive for not accepting it as a 'joke'.

Ignore him.

HecateWhoopass Thu 17-Jan-13 07:16:46

You know that all he cares about is the withdrawal of all the free work you were going to do, don't you?

He'll likely say whatever he thinks will get you to give him the free labour.

SPBInDisguise Thu 17-Jan-13 06:54:06

Which bit was meant to be funny exactly?
Well done for remaining professional - he is acting like a child

echt Thu 17-Jan-13 03:56:09

What is it about people who are outstandingly rude and then say it was joke?
The ultimate get-out, trying to cast the offended as a nonsense-of-humour-saddo.


Good on you, Boobs

PickledApples Thu 17-Jan-13 01:08:44

Well done.
His first meeting with you and he insulted you, questioned your mental health and talked bollocks about people with disability. Nothing more to be said - your position was untenable given that, any future dealings with him or flare up of your symptoms, you would always have this first meeting in mind!

What was the outcome of your constant headache by the way, I hope I am remembering correctly that that was you (& blush if not!)

ArtsMumma Thu 17-Jan-13 00:55:11

Well done! Get in touch anytime regarding freelance work!

PureQuintessence Thu 17-Jan-13 00:36:16

You have done great. He is a twat. Dont engage any further, you have said what you have to say. He behave like a total nutter at the meeting.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 17-Jan-13 00:12:32

You've handled this really well I think.

And clearly it was not a joke. What an idiot - you've had a lucky escape there!

dreamingbohemian Wed 16-Jan-13 23:50:57

Oh well done. You've done great! I think your plan going forward is a good one.

I've known people like this, for example I once worked in a kitchen with this totally racist manager, of course he would always point out how many black friends he had to prove he wasn't racist, and anyway he was just joking about stuff! But so what? He was still totally racist.

I think you've saved yourself a huge amount of grief, good job.

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 23:42:58

He's just replied saying that was supposed to be a joke, that he has various people working with him who have disabilities, and that it's a kick in the teeth that I felt like that to what he said.

I felt embarrassed initially, but now feel that a) I might not known him well enough to see if he was joking, but he also didn't know me well enough to say something like that, b) that he may well just be trying to talk his way out of it because he knows he looked like a prat, and c) it doesn't even matter, because I would now feel like I was walking on egg shells every time I spoke to him.

So am not going to reply, and remain friendly if / when I see him around. Think that is the best course of action for me.

Wabbally Wed 16-Jan-13 23:26:11

Fuck him off.

You were doing HIM a favour.

What a twat.

Corygal Wed 16-Jan-13 22:22:25

No. He's a cunt.

You, OTOH, are lovely.

AgentZigzag Wed 16-Jan-13 22:19:22

Well done SirB smile

Bloke sounds a total knobhead and someone you could do without in your life.

Good luck on the freelance.

notactuallyme Wed 16-Jan-13 22:13:06

Why do you feel the need to expose so much of your self to him? You met, he acted weird with odd views, after you told him something personal - don't keep engaging!

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 22:12:21

Thanks everyone.

Can't believe I have actually done this, maybe therapy is working..!!

PureQuintessence Wed 16-Jan-13 22:06:58

Good. You can add one sentence if you want:

"I'm sorry to hear you are upset, but I don't feel there is anything to discuss really. You said clearly yourself when I told you I had a mental illness that we may not get on, and I'm afraid that comment will stick with me. In short you were right: we wont get on."

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 22:05:11

Told my friend this afternoon, and he was horrified. Said he had never seen this side of him before, and apologised for exposing me to it when he knew how hard I have been working on my health.

Good idea Valentine.

Right, wish me luck, he might not respond so nicely to this one...

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