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to think it's unfair that DH moans about me not doing enough tidying...

(96 Posts)
Haughtyculture Tue 15-Jan-13 13:43:51

...when he makes all the mess?

I have PND and DH is always having a go at me for not tidying and doing enough housework and has threatened to leave me. I do do housework but I struggle at the moment.

Today DH has left 3 pairs of shoes laying around. A dog lead on the hall floor. Clothes all over the bedroom. a filthy cooker top where he got beans all over it last night. A filthy grill pan. A glass on the living room floor. Plus numerous other sundry items everywhere.

He says as I tidy up after the DCs it shouldn't be any trouble to clean up after him too.

I am really struggling at the moment. He says it makes him cross to come home from work to mess. Yet he makes this mess.

Pandemoniaa Tue 15-Jan-13 15:19:53

If I tell him he's being out of order he just says he'll leave

Pack him a suitcase then. Only I can't see what possible benefit he brings to your life based on what you've told us. If you want to soften the blow, ask if he'd like a round of sandwiches for the journey.

StuntGirl Tue 15-Jan-13 15:28:16

You poor thing. He's treating you absolutely appallingly. Just in case the point hasn't been laboured enough already - you are doing marvelously! You are caring for your (both of your) two children and getting the housework done. You don't need to chase around after him like a naughty toddler and you certainly don't need him berating you for not living up to his oh-so-high standards. You know what? I don't even have kids to take up any of my time and I still get less housework than you done. No one ever died thinking "Gosh I wish I'd done more cleaning in my life".

I work less hours than my partner. It means I do a bit more housework. So if we've left glasses in the living room from the night before for example, when I've finished work in the afternoon I'll clear them away. I don't mind. He doesn't leave them there deliberately for me to clear away, and that's the difference! And you know what, if they're still there when he comes home, he doesn't even notice let alone dare to criticise. He'll just shift them when he does the washing up.

If you don't feel strong enough to confront him over his bullying behaviour, could you look at getting some support from other places? Family, friends, outside organisations? You sound like you could do with a bit of emotional support from somewhere, and there's nothing wrong with seeking it out if your husband refuses to help.

AbigailAdams Tue 15-Jan-13 15:35:09

Chuck him out and your PND will go with him. Two for the price of one! Win win.

alwayspregnant Tue 15-Jan-13 16:09:41

Haughtyculture - glad you've had a giggle, I aim to please grin

fuckadoodlepoopoo I don't do everything for my DH. I have 4 kids, 4 and under, if he wants fed he knows where the oven is and if he can't find it, he can starve.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 15-Jan-13 20:43:02

Alwayspregnant. Then i don't understand why you don't get it.

Otheregos Tue 15-Jan-13 20:52:13

Yanbu but your dh is an unreasonable plonker! My dh had a very bad habit of picking his toe nails, I would say please don't pick you stinking toe nails I've just cleaned,hoovered mopped ALL day! He would promise to clean them up. One morning when returning from a night shift I could see the sodding toe nails glistening in the morning sun! Well you can imagine I was beyond furious and sleep deprived! Being the loving wife that I amsmile I made him a cuppa and took it up to him, he thought I was lovely until I mentioned his toe nails were in the bottom of his cup grin

cathpip Tue 15-Jan-13 20:57:14

Call his bluff and also tell him that you will then have a beautifully tidy house as he won't be in it. Or you could just put all his mess that he leaves lying around in a box in the hallway and tell him to sort his own shit out and that you are not his mother......

Haughtyculture Wed 16-Jan-13 00:00:47

He got home in a bad mood tonight as he's got a sore throat. He fell asleep in the chair at about 8pm, snored loudly and then went up to bed in a huff.

Think I might sleep on the sofa

apostropheuse Wed 16-Jan-13 00:09:05

OP he's an arsehole. Plain and simple.

He threatens to leave. You should be jumping for joy.

Seriously, why do you want him with you?

Loveweekends10 Wed 16-Jan-13 04:57:22

Your probably not in a great place mentally to stand up to this tosser but you need to because he is eroding your self esteem and that will add to the depression.

exoticfruits Wed 16-Jan-13 05:19:09

I would call his bluff and get him to leave.
Failing that, go with cathpip's idea, get a big box and just bung in anything he leaves around and tell him that you are not his servant, housekeeper etc (I was going to say mother but his mother should never have done it for him anyway)

Twattybollocks Wed 16-Jan-13 07:15:38

Wow what an arse! Don't clean his stuff up, when he threatens to leave say "off you fuck then" and ask which suitcase he wants to take.

Twattybollocks Wed 16-Jan-13 07:19:06

If you want to persist with this knobhead, get him to stay at home for a day and do what you do, leave a nice mess for him like he does for you and see how much tidying he gets done while you are away. There are some men who actually dont realise how hard it is to keep tidy with kids at home, and think sahm sit on their arses all day watching tv, if he's one of them he will soon realise and start to be more considerate. If he's just a dickhead then get rid and sooner the better

glitch Wed 16-Jan-13 07:38:47

It doesn't sound like he is adding much that is positive to your life.
Don't be afraid of his threat to leave and stick up for yourself. Tell him what you will and won't do. My bet is he won't leave but just sulk like a spolied child.

JusticeCrab Wed 16-Jan-13 07:41:00

What a lovely bloke. Call his bluff on the 'leaving' thing, next time he mentions it. Remind him that he's not the only one in the house who has agency.

Morloth Wed 16-Jan-13 07:45:01

If he leaves then you won't have to clean up his shit.

Is a win win.

Jinsei Wed 16-Jan-13 07:53:45

Wow, I don't often say this, but seriously, wouldn't you be happier if he did leave? He sounds like a tosser.

He is a grown man, and you are not his servant. If he makes a mess, he should tidy it up. You are ill, and you need support, not abuse. Please, just let him go.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Wed 16-Jan-13 07:59:05

I think this is worse than laziness or childishness, unacceptable as those would be. I think he is leaving mess around on purpose, to see if and when you will clean up after him and berate you and threaten to leave if you don't.

He is putting you in your place, in a breathtakingly nasty and srrogant way. He is telling you that your job is to clean up after him and do whatever he requires. He is exploiting your current vulnerability.

Agree with those who say to call his bluff next time he threatens to leave. He needs telling that his behaviour is appalling and damaging and you will no longer put up with it.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Wed 16-Jan-13 07:59:25

arrogant, of course.

TotallyBS Wed 16-Jan-13 08:14:29

I agree. Dump the bastard. Just because he goes out to work he expects his wife to keep the house tidy. Jeeze, what a fecker.

Jux Wed 16-Jan-13 08:19:20

He is an adult. Each adult on thenhousehold has equal responsibility for the environment in which they live.

Collect up all his crap and leave it in a big pile in a corner somewhere out of the way. Each time he leaves something lying about just dump it there.

Tbh, I'd let him leave, though. (He won't. He's just trying to scare you into cleaning up his mess.) if he were to go, you'd have far less work to do and your life would be much easier.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 16-Jan-13 08:22:27

Op what wools he say if you said "if you'd rather leave me than help me, I think that says more about you than it does about me, don't you?"

olgaga Wed 16-Jan-13 08:27:32

I know men like this exist but I couldn't put up with it. It's so immature and disrespectful.

I would refuse point blank to deal with anything he leaves lying around. He has no right to treat you like a maid.

It does sound as though your life would be more straightforward without him. If he threatens to leave tell him would he please get on with it. In the meantime, why not have a read of the information and links here - you might find you're not as trapped in this situation as you thought!

Smellslikecatspee Wed 16-Jan-13 08:32:21

In alwayspregants defence it can be hard to believe how big an arsehole and how unreasonable and manipulative some people can be unless you've encountered one.

Harder still to see it when you're actually in any sort of relationship with them…

He's a bully, and I do wonder if you did say fine off you go, don't let the door hit you on the way out what would happen?

Smellslikecatspee Wed 16-Jan-13 08:36:50

Sorry hit post too soon.

Do you think he would actually leave?
Or do you think he may react aggressively? Either physically or verbally?
Not trying to scare you or over react or saying dont do/say it just saying be safe.
And remember he has a lot more to lose than you do.

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