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AIBU or is dd? WWYD?

(33 Posts)
shhhgobacktosleep Mon 14-Jan-13 19:40:42

Dd (16) has been with her first boyfriend since November. Both dd & b/f board at the same school (we are a military family) and so see each other every day, although they don't have any lessons together and don't live in the same house. As her parents dh and I haven't really had much to say about it other than the "its important to Be Safe" conversation that we've had with all our kids on a fairly regular basis since they hit their teens and we're quite open to discussion if they need advice or want to talk. B/f is German, joined the 6th form in sept and is only staying a year at the school a year.

Tonight dd has called me, chatted as usual and then said b/f had asked her to go stay with him in Germany either at half term or at Easter and could she go? I replied that dh and I would give it some thought but that I had to say it would be unlikely. She then snapped "so that's a no then" to which I repeated what I'd said and gave reasons that would make me uncomfortable with giving permission - she'd be in a foreign country if something happened which would mean I couldn't be there for her immediately; we've never met the boy or his parents (although ds also knows him) and he won't be at the school very long at all. She seems to think IABU and has said she's not a baby, she's not stupid and I've let her visit friends in other countries before so why not now. Apparently her friend's have been on holiday with their b/fs, stayed at their houses etc. I told her that has no bearing on my decision whatsoever and my role in life is to protect her and look out for her.

I feel I may be being slightly unreasonable as I know at her age I was staying at b/f's house BUT he was in the same city (until we went to uni) and we were together for several years.

As I've said this is dd's first boyfriend and she has always seemed to have a level head when it comes to the opposite sex. But she's made me feel awful and the phone call ended with a very frosty air on her part.

Sorry it's so long but felt I should give all the details in one go. So AIBU? And how would you have dealt with it?

FelicityWasSanta Mon 14-Jan-13 22:07:00

Technically she may be a minor, but she can leave home, leave school, (If she is not in the 18 leavers year group)

At 16 she IS in the year group which is not legally able to leave school/education/work/training.

As for the rest of the 'freedoms' she's entitled to, I doubt shed trade them for the benefits of being one of the OPs children.

16 year olds cannot IMHO say 'I'm an adult I'm doing whatever I like' and then still expect to be kept at boarding school, fed, clothed and holidays paid for.

The provision for 16 year olds to live independently is only supposed to benefit children not safe in their own homes- very very few 16 year olds strike out into successful independence without a pretty harsh push.

lubeybooby Mon 14-Jan-13 22:15:33

My 16 yr old DD has been to stay with her bf 200 miles away. I spoke to his parents first and made sure it was ok and all that.

I didn't have a problem with it, this is her time now... she's very sensible and deserves some freedom.

Plus at her age I was living alone with her as a baby.

StuntGirl Mon 14-Jan-13 22:24:56

I don't think YABU in the slightest OP and you've given perfectly valid reasons.

OkayHazel Tue 15-Jan-13 00:36:06

I really don't want to antagonize OP - but you talk of 'not wanting to rush into anything'. Are you just assuming they've not had sex? At a boarding school there will plenty of opportunity.

Narked Tue 15-Jan-13 00:46:59

I was going to say exactly that ^. I'd assume they're already having sex.

sashh Tue 15-Jan-13 07:16:17

I flew to Australia at 16 to stay with people I'd never met but was related to.

Germany is what? 1 or 2 hours away? not far at all. How long would it take you to get to her at boarding school if 'something' happened?

Ask for the parents' details and talk to them, they may not have been asked.

Then make a descision.

Itsnotahoover Tue 15-Jan-13 07:25:14

At 16 she IS in the year group which is not legally able to leave school/education/work/training.

Is this definitely right? My friends daughter turned 16 last June and left school to go into a job (not an apprenticeship or anything, it was a shop job).

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Tue 15-Jan-13 07:25:33

Knowing Germany well, and knowing German parents, they may not consider it imperative to have contact with you/have met you before your dd comes to stay. German kids/teens are given considerably more independence than UK ones on the whole, and at 16 I think the parents might assume your dd being there was more or less her decision, i.e. you didn't have much input. I think they would be concerned to give her her own bedroom etc., though.
Just saying this to indicate that you might have to be proactive in speaking to the parents, but they are likely to (if they are nice people) be reasonable and listen to you. Most Germans of their generation are likely to be able to speak quite good English, so there should be no linguistic impediment to a conversation.

IIWY I would arrange a conversation (phone or skype) with the parents and then make your decision according to your feeling after that.

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