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to not understand why man get slated for dumping a pregnant woman?

(127 Posts)
TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:21:49

If a pregnant lady broke up with the father it's fine but if a bloke breaks up with pregnant girlfriend/wife then they are torn apart. Everyone shouts how they are abandoning their unborn child. I don't get this. I mean, i do if they do a runner and are never seen again but if it is an amicable break up.

If you fall out of love with someone, surely the right thing to do is to tell them straight away, try and work things out instead of fake a loving relationship for 9 months?

This has happened to my friend. Him and his DW have 1DD. Decide to try for another. Five months into pregnancy they have split up. Everyone is saying how he has got her pregnant and is now acting like a child. But they both decided to try for a baby, plenty of women decide not to stay with the father mid-pregnancy, so why can't he? Would it be better if he just stayed with her? I've made him sound like a dick but he is a great chap. No one chooses to fall out of love with someone and he is very upset about breaking up the family.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 15-Jan-13 08:19:54

Soworn, it is bad that your nephew was lied to. But would he act differently if they'd been using a condom and it split?

He can be mad at the mother for lying but the child was nothing to do with that.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 15-Jan-13 08:16:36

Tiny, "equal" does not mean "the same"

If I employ an observant Jew, I may have to make an allowance for them on Fridays in winter that I don't have to if I employ a Christian. Nonetheless, equality law tells me I need to make that allowance.

Only women get pregnant, so only women get pregnancy related work protections.

All that being said, you do understand that the situation in your friend's case is really unusual? Most men who have broken up with a pregnant partner do not move into the garage to provide on the spot childcare (in fact, your friend is the only one I've heard of) and most women who are pregnant don't break up with their partner because they've gone off him a bit - it's often because the pregnancy is showing up things about their character for the first time.

You are trying to generalise from a pretty unique situation. In fact, if it did happen exactly as you have further clarified, it certainly wasn't a "dumping" as the woman has been shocked to find out your friend's change in feelings and has decided she doesn't want to continue on that basis.

MakeItALarge Tue 15-Jan-13 00:50:37

Sowernout - If he didnt want to be a Dad he could have used protection. Thats it. Yes his ex did a really shitty thing but its their baby that is being punished by him. He fucked up. If my nephew was in that pisition then I would be telling him that what he wants is no longer important, if he has fathered a child he needs to be a father to that child.

maddening Tue 15-Jan-13 00:41:38

But yout friend hasn't abandoned his ex has he?

Booyhoo Tue 15-Jan-13 00:40:45

when will men accept that unless they 100% want to be a father from the sex they are about to have that they MUST wear a condom. it isn't ok to leave the decision about YOU becoming a parent up to someone else. it is entirely your responsibility to make sure you dont become a parent if that is not what you want. sorry soworn i am aware it is your nephew and not you, it's just this irritates me so much. having a child is just about the biggest thing a person can do in their lives. why people leave it up to someone else to decide is beyond me. if you dont want children you make sure it doesn't happen.

deleted203 Mon 14-Jan-13 23:54:55

Well in my nephew's case the girl apparently told him she was on the pill - and then confessed that she hadn't been, but she'd really wanted a baby to love after announcing to him she was pregnant. So, yes. He should have worn a condom, rather than assuming she was being honest. But IMO she deliberately had unprotected sex because she liked the idea of a baby with someone - someone who HAD suggested wearing a condom and been told that there was no need for it. He felt very bitter about being trapped into fatherhood by someone who had deliberately done so. I don't think she is entitled to be pissed off, personally, that he hasn't been filled with joy and stepped up to being a wonderful father. She didn't see him as a person who had any say in this matter - he was a convenient sperm donor to her desire to have a baby and I can't imagine how she thought any man that she'd known for such a little time was going to make a fantastic dad. She made a deliberate decision to become pregnant, without consulting the other person, and then made the decision to keep the baby - and is now complaining that she's been left with all the care. Did she not consider that this was a possibility?

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 18:11:49

this couple

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 18:11:37

if you are friends with both of this, it begs the question why you are focussing much more on him than her

sisterhood ?

remember that, although I often think the "sisterhood" goes up the swanee when there is a vested interest in the male in a triangle such as this

OP, I don't think you are good for this couple, in fact, the thought of you makes me feel very, very uncomfortable for them and I don't much like the sound of you

MidnightMasquerader Mon 14-Jan-13 18:04:34

sowornout - neither of them planned nor, at least initially, wanted the baby - yet she's doing 100% of the work.

She's entitled to feel a bit pissed off, no?! When one person steps up to the plate and deals with a situation and the other completely doesn't... the one who doesn't can't exactly expect to be covered in glory. wink

Booyhoo Mon 14-Jan-13 17:34:46

"yes, he should have taken some responsibility for contraception"

" But he didn't want to be a father at 18 and didn't really get a lot of say in the matter."

the point at which he should have taken responsibility for contraception is the point at which he had a say. if he had sex without a condome he was choosing to be a father and he is now neglecting the responsibility that he chose to have. he's a shit.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 17:19:24

My nephew did something like that, he'd get an earful.

millie30 Mon 14-Jan-13 17:14:31

Sowornout are you seriously giving your nephew as an example of the type of man who SHOULDN'T be slated?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 17:08:38

Sowornout Unless it was a contraception failure, then he should live up to it, she is taking responsibility, why should he get to shirk it.

XiCi Mon 14-Jan-13 16:58:27

I agree with AThing that your friend is a total twat. Even though you are looking at him through rose tinted glasses and are defending him to the hilt that much is obvious. More fool you if you can't grasp the very basic arguments against this sort of shittery that have been put forward to you here
Also agree with AF that there is more to this than just concern for a friend. Noone is that heavily invested in a couples break up as you appear to be without there being some sort of personal interest. And again, more fool you

deleted203 Mon 14-Jan-13 16:34:50

I think it probably depends on the individual circumstances doesn't it? One of my nephews got a girl pregnant 2 weeks after he'd met her, when he was very young indeed, and certainly wasn't planning on starting a family. Yes, he should have taken some responsibility for contraception, but he was adamant he didn't want to be a father, and that this was a very casual relationship, and yet the girl decided she wanted a baby. They weren't even dating properly. He has contributed financially, but hasn't really taken any part in the child's life. (Child is 2 now). Girl constantly slags him off on FB and to her friends saying what a crap father he is. Well, yes, he is. But he didn't want to be a father at 18 and didn't really get a lot of say in the matter. He never pretended that he wanted to be with her for life, or to start a family at that point.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 16:27:34

Yes he can be a wally. I've been in relationships that have had lies in and been dragged out longer than they should so i suppose i do value honesty. But of course i didn't have any children with these peaopl.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 16:25:12

Definitely not involved in that way AF. They are both friends I have known him since i was about 11 and her for maybe the last decade. I see them at least once a week and babysit maybe twice a month. So of course i know quite a bit, they are like family to me. I think of him in an older brother way.

I don't know if she will breastfeed but she was back at work 3 weeks after having her DD. Their situation is very sad, but it was just what got me thinking after some friend's were saying different things to pregnant wife's face to behind her back. The question was more in general than about them.

Goldenbear Mon 14-Jan-13 16:24:01

Well you quoted me OP, so in response to your comments i can categorically say that in the same circumstances I would have the same opinion of a woman who did this- childish, reckless and irresponsible, not suitable personality traits for being a parent!

You seem to rate his honesty quite highly but pragmatically speaking it is not going to help his unborn child or even his current child as it's an honesty that is only beneficial to himself. This chat you say they had why did he not think to mention his change of heart prior to conceiving a baby with her - he sounds like a wally!

Wallison Mon 14-Jan-13 16:14:01

I feel really sorry for her as well.

And Tiny, if this woman is going to breastfeed, there is no way he'll be able to take care of the new baby on his own. Babies feed at least every 2-3 hours you know, day and night, and many newborns feed practically all the time. Even if his wife goes back to work, she'll presumably be on maternity leave, for anything up to a year. You don't just pop a baby out and then saunter back to your desk a couple of days later, having happily handed your baby over to the bloke who dumped you when you were pregnant.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 16:05:21

Tiny, I don't believe that you are not more involved than what you have admitted to here.

You know far too much about someone else's relationship, and I feel very sorry for this man's wife.

millie30 Mon 14-Jan-13 15:47:02

Tiny yes I think it's wrong for a spouse of either gender to deceive their partner and plan a pregnancy under false pretences. I think it is particularly low for a man to allow his pregnant wife to think everything is rosy and then blow her world apart and cause her extreme emotional distress at such a delicate time, as well as leaving it too late for her to have any other option than to go ahead with the pregnancy.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 15:39:42

I'd imagine his daughter would be living with him and that he would do at least daytime childcare for the newborn as his wife wants to go back to work. I have no idea how she is going to do nights.
As far as i know he didn't wake up, pack his bags and bugger off. They were having a conversation and she says she asked him a question and he replied and they were both a bit shocked. She loves him, he doesn't love her in the same way. She doesn't want him to be with her unless he wants to. And he really isn't the kind of guy to be "onto the next one". I suppose this whole thing is quite a rare thing to happen.

AThingInYourLife Mon 14-Jan-13 15:11:27

You think he's going to have both children living with him?!

How the fuck is that going to work?

When will the baby his wife is carrying, and that he has never even been resident with suddenly be handed over to him?

Your friend is a total fucking twat.

You don't wake up one day and realise you haven't loved someone for ages and just split up a family on that basis unless you are a deeply selfish cunt.

And really unless you have your eye on your next conquest.

And that goes for pregnant women too.

Although you very rarely hear of pregnant women leaving husbands they planned a baby with because they just fell out of love.

He's treating a marriage with children like a teenage romance - "oh, I'm done with you now, on to the next one."

Wallison Mon 14-Jan-13 14:57:02

As I said, for me, the worst thing was that my ex had left his baby. That is a truly awful thing to have to face up to alone, when you are pregnant and the child is part of you. When you are a parent, you do anything for your child. For someone who has also created them to turn their back on that child it is heart-breaking. And I don't care how involved the father says they want to be, if they are ending a relationship with the child's mother, they are necessarily going to be a lot less involved than they would have been had they stayed with her. Just saying that you care in your heart doesn't count - you show that you care for that child by being there.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 14:41:02

But isn't it the same the other way around? Do you think a guy would chose to have a child if he knew he wouldn't get to be a full-time dad?

I don't think he withheld information, he didn't know, they were having a talk and stuff came out. I don't know all the details. But i doubt he would have chosen to get someone pregnant if he didn't plan to be there. He is very scared about not being allowed to have as much input on the new baby as he did with their DD. Of course he could have not said whatever he said but once it was said it was said iyswim? He is really honest he always says exactly what he thinks. Everyone is quite shocked they have always had a very solid, relationship. They are the mum and dad of my friendship group, a really lovely couple. I don't really want to go into their specific situation but more in general.

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