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to not understand why man get slated for dumping a pregnant woman?

(127 Posts)
TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:21:49

If a pregnant lady broke up with the father it's fine but if a bloke breaks up with pregnant girlfriend/wife then they are torn apart. Everyone shouts how they are abandoning their unborn child. I don't get this. I mean, i do if they do a runner and are never seen again but if it is an amicable break up.

If you fall out of love with someone, surely the right thing to do is to tell them straight away, try and work things out instead of fake a loving relationship for 9 months?

This has happened to my friend. Him and his DW have 1DD. Decide to try for another. Five months into pregnancy they have split up. Everyone is saying how he has got her pregnant and is now acting like a child. But they both decided to try for a baby, plenty of women decide not to stay with the father mid-pregnancy, so why can't he? Would it be better if he just stayed with her? I've made him sound like a dick but he is a great chap. No one chooses to fall out of love with someone and he is very upset about breaking up the family.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 11:23:59

Totally I wasnt aware i was embellishing anything.

KellyElly Mon 14-Jan-13 11:25:37

I think there are times in life when people have to stop being selfish and do the right thing. I think a man shouldn't leave the relationship when his partner is pregnant. Unless he has another woman on the go surely he can hang around to support her through the birth and early stages with the child. Even if this is done on the basis that they sleep in separate rooms or whatever and he is there for support. In the same way I wouldn't expect someone to break up with someone who was very ill or going through a traumatic time in their lives. It's just respectful to the person you must have once loved and taking responsibility for the life you both created.

Sometimes people cut and run from relationships without even trying to give them a go and it's quite possible that in some cases, the couple may even end up repairing their relationship after the birth of the child which is surely the best situation all round. I'm obviously not talking about abusive/toxic relationships here btw. They should be ended way before a child is brought into the world.

Narked Mon 14-Jan-13 11:31:11

What kind of person can go from being married with a child and wanting to have another baby with their wife to splitting from them because they're not in love with them in the space of 5 months?

MiniTheMinx Mon 14-Jan-13 11:31:41

The cult of Romantic love strikes again! there is this strange double standard.

We marry someone because we reinforces what is not really a natural state. The flip side of this is that when our perfect love is no longer so perfect we must break up a family.Of course it looks selfish because society enforces monogamy. Marriages are not sustained through romantic love but we are deceived into thinking it is the only necessary thing. Where it doesn't exist in a marriage we leave to seek it elsewhere.

I suppose it would be too much to expect socialised approach where all of the family support the women through her pregnancy incl the deluded fool of a husband. The nuclear family really is the mode in which women are most vulnerable and men can wreak havoc at a whim.

Bluegrass Mon 14-Jan-13 11:38:50

"I don't understand why 2 people who decide to have a baby together fall 'out of love' so quickly"

Could this also be asked of women who end a relationship with someone whilst they are pregnant? In that case they apparently loved someone enough to have a baby and then shortly afterwards fell out of love so I'm not sure why it seems any stranger that a man might go through the same mental process.

The question remains though, does a man have to pretend he is still committed to the relationship, and if so when is he allowed to withdraw (assuming he remains supportive of the child)?

To be honest for a lot of people it is the months following the birth which are much harder than the pregnancy, so isn't it worse to dump someone then? How long would he have to wait?

CandyCrush Mon 14-Jan-13 11:39:56

Happened to me. Dumped when pg. When it has happened to you, you may comment.


Was the most horrifyingly stressful time for me.

Now go back to your bubble please.

Ps. Haven't read the other replies

Wallison Mon 14-Jan-13 11:48:12

I got dumped when I was pregnant and it was horrible. I've been through break-ups before but never one that made me feel as bad as that and hope that I never will again. My entire world was turned upside-down - I went from looking forward to the a new chapter in life with a child created with the man who I thought was my life partner, to facing an emotionally raw and financially uncertain future as a single mother. For me, the worst worst thing about it was that I was desperately sad that the man who had created this child with me was leaving the child before he was even born. I felt like I was the only person in the world who cared about the baby, that I was bringing him into a lonely and unhappy existence without joy or love or security and that I had utterly utterly failed him in his new and vulnerable state, to not provide him with a 'proper' loving home to live in.

It was not a pleasant time.

Goldenbear Mon 14-Jan-13 11:50:35

What about waiting until they're child at least and you have established a relationship with them that is free flowing and is very far removed from the word, 'access'.

Goldenbear Mon 14-Jan-13 11:52:09

That was in response to Bluegrass

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 14-Jan-13 11:57:26

Pregnancy resulting after many months of ttc and the surprise, contraception-failure pregnancy must be difficult to handle in different ways. Unfortunately a planned and swift conception can also bring its own troubles.

Surely there's a difference between "dumping" and "breaking up".

If there is a major problem in the relationship, finishing and leaving before the baby is born might seem preferable to giving false hope and causing major heartache post birth. At the very least I'd hope the woman would be provided for financially. I wouldn't call a man a bastard for leaving if there had been a build up beforehand, some discussion or gradual deterioration of the relationship. I'd save that for the specimen who walked out unexpectedly or revealed they'd been having an affair.

XiCi Mon 14-Jan-13 12:06:14

Let me guess OP
This "friend" has left his pregnant wife for you and your looking for validation that this is ok?

spidermanspiderman Mon 14-Jan-13 12:08:02

Stress in pregnancy is dangerous. This bloke cares nothing for his baby to inflict this on it. Life is hard, relationships are hard. I don't always like my dh and he doesn't always like me but we always work through things and hopefully always will.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 12:09:07

Xi, that is what I think might be occurring here

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 12:14:34

Xi, if thats the case, then she'll have to share her "friend" with his children, who rightly take first priority.

Goldenbear Mon 14-Jan-13 12:15:40

It's not about being a bastard it's about being a grown up. If you decide to bring another person into this world, it is selfish to renege on that decision 5 months down the line. I mean what level of rapid deterioration could have created so much doubt about this decision in such a short space of time. If it was present prior to the pregnancy then you're weak and a fool and that's not the child's fault.

FryOneFatManic Mon 14-Jan-13 12:51:44

Xi, I also agree with your take on this. It does seem a bit hmm

PessaryPam Mon 14-Jan-13 13:07:09

My thoughts too, I think the guy and his new woman are on this thread.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 14:02:09

Whoa guys… No not a fred about a fred. Definitely not OW. Love my friend but definitely not in that way nor has there EVER been anything like that between us. Not sock puppeting, Tidy Dancer is another OP, though yes we have similar names.

And thanks to everyone saying i couldn't possibly understand what it feels like but i have been pregnant and alone, i just didn't get a nice squishy baby at the end. My situation was a bit odd and i ended the relationship myself for really stupid reasons.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 14:10:39

I don't think anyone was involved with friends break up and i don't think he woke up and realised he didn't love her rather woke up and realised he hadn't loved her for a while confused. Yes i did question this. His situation is odd as it does seem that they plan to keep him in the garage for childcare etc. as she will probably go back to work but the question was more in general.

I fully support slating a man for getting someone pregnant and then disappearing, not helping financially, acting free and single when in fact they have child about to appear. I have friends who have been the other way round, pregnant and been dumped and i fully joined in on the hating of these men. That seems to be the situation mentioned by people on here but that isn't what i was questioning.

It does seem women are allowed to decide to have a baby with someone and then fall out of love, but men can't.

Alwaysasking Mon 14-Jan-13 14:13:55

My ex left me pretty much as soon as I found out I was pregnant... His words were "if you don't get an abortion I will hate you forever". He knew I was completely in love with him and was trying to emotionally blackmail me. I appreciate in a way that I was able to make an informed decision to keep my baby knowing I'd get no support but my god it was horrendous. It sparked a panic disorder and completely fucked me up. He met someone else when I was in the last stages of my pregnancy and honestly I felt suicidal at times. He moved to the other end of the country and was able to 'start again', made friends and dated. I was so angry that he just "got away with it".

But now he does have contact with ds, I'm happy and I think he is too. We were young. I would have preferred he stayed with me through the pregnancy, panic attacks, hypermesis, appointments on my own, antenatal alone etc was simply awful. At a time that is supposed to be happy. I was very, very screwed up. But at the same time, at least my choice to keep my child was informed.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 14:17:31

So not getting what i mean on paper. but to replies like this:

It's not about being a bastard it's about being a grown up. If you decide to bring another person into this world, it is selfish to renege on that decision 5 months down the line. I mean what level of rapid deterioration could have created so much doubt about this decision in such a short space of time. If it was present prior to the pregnancy then you're weak and a fool and that's not the child's fault.

No one would say that to a woman who left, you are weak and a fool. They congratulate her on being brave and being able to walk away. Which i guess they are, but why can we renege on the decision and men can't?

What if a surrogate was being used? Would that make a difference? How can woman ever be thought of as equal if as soon as we get pregnant we are vulnerable and men are forced to stay by us because we need them so much?

millie30 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:17:44

The issue I have is that in the situation you describe OP your friend has taken the choice away from a woman who may not have chosen to be a single parent. By waiting until the pregnancy was quite far along to tell her he hadn't loved her for a while he has left her with no options but all of the burden. And I don't think that as long as the man doesn't disappear that's ok. Sometimes it can be worse to have the man who has broken your heart and destroyed your future hanging around, thinking as long as they turn up to scans and visit the child they deserve some kind of pat on the back.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 14:19:30

Alwaysasking That is a completely different situation and i would be quite happy to slate your ex. He ran away from responsibilities and generally is a dick to say that to a pregnant woman.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 14-Jan-13 14:21:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 14:21:59

Yes but he has chosen to be a single parent himself, if they were to separate, living wise, then i'd expect him to have the children as he is the DDs main carer.

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