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to not understand why man get slated for dumping a pregnant woman?

(128 Posts)
TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:21:49

If a pregnant lady broke up with the father it's fine but if a bloke breaks up with pregnant girlfriend/wife then they are torn apart. Everyone shouts how they are abandoning their unborn child. I don't get this. I mean, i do if they do a runner and are never seen again but if it is an amicable break up.

If you fall out of love with someone, surely the right thing to do is to tell them straight away, try and work things out instead of fake a loving relationship for 9 months?

This has happened to my friend. Him and his DW have 1DD. Decide to try for another. Five months into pregnancy they have split up. Everyone is saying how he has got her pregnant and is now acting like a child. But they both decided to try for a baby, plenty of women decide not to stay with the father mid-pregnancy, so why can't he? Would it be better if he just stayed with her? I've made him sound like a dick but he is a great chap. No one chooses to fall out of love with someone and he is very upset about breaking up the family.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 09:56:27

Men should be slated when they dumped a pregnant woman, because they are dick lead, they fuck about whilst shes pregnant, leaving her hurt, angry and confused, that is when they deserve a kicking.

TroublesomeEx Mon 14-Jan-13 09:57:16

Only someone without children or who had never found themselves alone during pregnancy would ask such a ridiculously stupid question.

In fact, I think it would take a special sort of person without this experience to ask this question.

I would think most other people could probably work it out for themselves!

Fakebook Mon 14-Jan-13 09:58:35

How can someone in love, fall out of love in 5 months? Impossible. I bet he had doubts for a lot longer than that and lied to his gf and then got her pregnant knowing he was not in love with her.

He doesn't sound like a nice chap. He's left his pregnant gf in a really hard position bringing up a small child and then a newborn ON HER OWN.

GoldPlatedNineDoors Mon 14-Jan-13 10:03:58

IS this a Fred about a Fred????

Portofino Mon 14-Jan-13 10:07:16

I was wondering that.

RooneyMara Mon 14-Jan-13 10:07:29

I finished with xp when I was about 2 months pg. Because he was behaving like a twat. It was horrible, to be alone, in that situation but better by far than living with someone who was doing what he was doing.

I made that choice in the interests of my own family and do not regret it for a second.

I don't see that I had much choice though. I didn't just think, yay, let's have a baby without any support or help, let's have a totally awful pregnancy with no help, let's screw up our lives for the foreseeable future while struggling to cope.

I did it because he was making us all really unhappy.
He is a person who has major issues which I didn't realise the extent of before that point.

It isn't as simple as just deciding to rock off on your own for no particular reason.

And I agree that having a new baby makes you very vulnerable indeed and doing it on your own is no party. (ds3 = 11 days old)

OP you've made some assumptions based on one particular situation - they may apply there but please think about what you're saying.

TotallyBS Mon 14-Jan-13 10:10:27

To me the guy would be a "fucker" if he refused personal and financial responsibilty for his yet to be born child. Otherwise IWBU to expect the guy to stay with someone he doesn't love just so that she can have an extra pair of hands.

It comes back to double standards. I have often read posts from OPs unhappy with a relationship in which the male partner is dependent on the female OP, either because of mental or physical health problems or simply because of finances (the guy is long term unemployed). Often the overwhelming advice was to dump the guy. However, when the position is reversed .....

I never thought of myself as a feminist but I sometimes wonder about some women. Faced with a man that no longer loves you, do you really want him to stick around simply because you find it difficult to cope on your own?

GoldPlatedNineDoors Mon 14-Jan-13 10:11:12

reporting for fred about fredness and possible sock puppetry.

MakeItALarge Mon 14-Jan-13 10:12:15

I got dumped when I was about four minths pg. The pregnancy wasnt planned (but we both wanted the baby) and we were in a crap short term relationship. I dont blame him for ending it, but being pregnant alone is incredibly hard, and scary. It is the one time in my life I have been vunerable and needed the support and friendship. Its also a horrible thing to go through alone, even if the Father does attent all antenatal appointments its not the same as lying in bed laughing at the babies hiccups or discussing names.

I also found it hard he was with other women while I was the size of a house grin. I was expected to be single and enjoy some nice early nights while he could do whatever he wanted. It may be very unreasonable but when you are unable to see your own feet, have aginising spd and constant heartburn knowing the person who should be helping you is off being happy is devestating, and reason doesnt come into it.

Its also more likely that a man who leaves during pregnancy wont bond as much with the child and is more likely to stop contact, which is very scary.

flow4 Mon 14-Jan-13 10:12:35

I think this is a Fred about this Fred...

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 10:15:34

My friends brother dumped his pregnant girlfriend, because it turns out she was a crazy possessive bitch, this has been the case for 18 months prior to the birth, he tried again with her but he knew he couldnt be with someone so aggressive and vile. So sometimes men have too. But when its just to fuck about and be a prick then he deserves to be slated.

flow4 Mon 14-Jan-13 10:16:04

I also think TinyDancingHoofer (the OP) is TidyDancer in that thread. Not quite sock-puppetry perhaps... My feeling is the OP genuinely doesn't get it (she has said she has no children/has never been pregnant) and is trying to understand... Though I'm not quite sure why...

HecatePropolos Mon 14-Jan-13 10:20:30

I don't understand how it is possible to love someone enough to want to bring a child into the world and a few months later feel nothing at all for them and want to split.

how does that work? do feelings really disappear like that? From madly in love let's have a baby you're my world to meh in a few months?

(assuming no catalyst such as affair or abuse or something)

Anyway, at least he knows he can't just walk away. He's got a duty to his children and his pregnant wife. He's 50% of the reason she's pregnant! Yes, anyone has the right to end a relationship that isn't working for them, but they owe it to the ex to still be there and work together re the children. Which it sounds like he's doing.

Goldenbear Mon 14-Jan-13 10:23:32

TotallyBS it is not about being a needy woman that cannot cope without a man by her side. It is hugely irresponsible to even tell the pregnant woman IMO. This 'chap' decided he wanted baby number 2 five months ago with this woman, it was an equal decision the outcome of which is a child who is yet to be born. I'm sorry but in that situation it is not about YOU and your LOVE issues it is about you getting over yourself and your love for your child overriding the love for your own happiness for the immediate future.

RooneyMara Mon 14-Jan-13 10:29:49

'(assuming no catalyst such as affair or abuse or something)'

Hec I think you've answered your own question, kind of smile

It's usually something like this that makes things untenable I think

Sadly sometimes we don't take enough time to get to know someone properly, or they are a very good liar.

RooneyMara Mon 14-Jan-13 10:31:32

Totally, there's no way on earth I'd have stayed with xp whatever the circumstances.

It has been the hardest nearly-a-year of my life, hard for me, my folks, my children. I mean REALLY hard. Doesn't matter. It's better than being with a dick.

Cezella Mon 14-Jan-13 10:32:52

I actually kind of agree with you OP. Providing the man isn't walking out on his child and offering no support, I think it's better to leave than to pretend he's happy for the sake of the pregnancy. I'm assuming they decided collectively to have another baby and if they're breaking up now things have probably not been massively great for a while. But all of you saying he should stay with her for the sake of the pregnancy, when is he allowed to stop pretending he's happy- when the baby is born? Six months? A year? I would think if he's truly not happy it will come out anyway, even if he tries his best to pretend that all is fine. Pregnancy is a very very vulnerable time, and I stress that its very important that the man still offers support both financially and emotionally but at the same time I think it will be harder in the long run for him to pretend that he's happy then leave when baby is x months old. I know a couple where the dad did this, it's great now- he is there for his DD and is a very good dad and she is happy too and agrees that the relationship just wasn't working, they get along well. I think a lot of the time the problem is about a badly timed pregnancy, because I do agree that if things are that bad then he probably knew before they decided to get pregnant. But at the same time I don't think he should have to pretend to be happy for the nine months, it is a very hard situation for the mother yes but better for him to be honest and still offer her some support

TotallyBS Mon 14-Jan-13 10:33:20

Goldenbear: In what way is this different from couples who have children getting divorced?

spidermanspiderman Mon 14-Jan-13 10:43:16

What a selfish idiot. Seriously, you don't just flick a switch and fall out of love with someone. Relationships are hard work and he obviously could not be bothered to put the effort in. When pregnant your hormones are all over the place and you should be supported through this not dumped at your most vulnerable.

Why has he fallen out of love with her so suddenly? because her body has changed, because her hormones are making her behave differently, because she's too tired for sex and to run round after him? And you question if he' s selfish! How irresponsible to plan to have a baby with someone, make them completely vulnerable and then do this. Quite frankly he should be castrated so he can never do this again.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 10:46:13

Theres a thread right now, in which a man cheated on his pregnant wife, she has gone back home and he is staying in another country, with his other woman, making the occasional skype call to his DD and hes never met his DS, he has no interest in his children.

Is this a man who is not deserving of a slating and a kick up the arse or not?

melbie Mon 14-Jan-13 10:59:19

I think if I was with someone and they fell out of love with me I would rather they left than stuck around under some idea of obligation just because I was pregnant. When are they allowed to leave? They can't leave when the baby is little because then they are bastards. So they might be around for an extra year or so when they don't want to be and you find out later they were pretending and that "happy time" during pregnancy etc was all a lie? No thanks!

TotallyBS Mon 14-Jan-13 11:03:50

Greg- I'm following that thread as well and I love your summary of the 'facts'.

The wife moved back to the UK to give birth and the guy is coming over soon. He regularly Skypes his other child but the girl is reluctant to speak to her dad because she would rather speak to him in person than on the screen. He chose to stay in the other country because that is where his job is. That if different to him abandoning his wife in the UK so that he could escape to another country in order to be with the OW which is the image you want to convey.

Don't get me wrong. He dumped his pregnant wife for another younger woman. He deserves to be slated for this. What I object to is the embellishing of the facts.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Mon 14-Jan-13 11:04:36

I don't understand why 2 people who decide to have a baby together fall 'out of love' so quickly

Exactly that. Personally I get cross when people have so little commitment and staying power.

But it's nothing to do with me, I guess....

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Mon 14-Jan-13 11:05:14

Apart from the obvious exceptions such as people who are in an abusive relationship and so on.

Goldenbear Mon 14-Jan-13 11:20:17

Totally, how is what you're advocating a 'feminist' position? Your line of thought makes it the woman's problem as she is seen as 'needy' if she wants him to stay. When in fact she may want to continue to equally share a responsibility that he agreed to 5 months ago. He is not the one who is pregnant, the woman cannot renege on the agreement even if she wanted to. In this situation the mutual decision to have the baby should be met with equal commitment because that was the deal from the outset!

It is different because the woman is pregnant so it is irresponsible of the man to inflict that kind of stress on his unborn child. It is different because at least with children there has been years of commitment to a relationship, for a start there would actually be an established live in relationship. Giving up before the child appears is testament to where your first interests lie- with yourself and when you have children they should be with them. It is irresponsible, weak and childish, I could go on.

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