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to not understand why man get slated for dumping a pregnant woman?

(127 Posts)
TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:21:49

If a pregnant lady broke up with the father it's fine but if a bloke breaks up with pregnant girlfriend/wife then they are torn apart. Everyone shouts how they are abandoning their unborn child. I don't get this. I mean, i do if they do a runner and are never seen again but if it is an amicable break up.

If you fall out of love with someone, surely the right thing to do is to tell them straight away, try and work things out instead of fake a loving relationship for 9 months?

This has happened to my friend. Him and his DW have 1DD. Decide to try for another. Five months into pregnancy they have split up. Everyone is saying how he has got her pregnant and is now acting like a child. But they both decided to try for a baby, plenty of women decide not to stay with the father mid-pregnancy, so why can't he? Would it be better if he just stayed with her? I've made him sound like a dick but he is a great chap. No one chooses to fall out of love with someone and he is very upset about breaking up the family.

KentuckyFriedChildren Mon 14-Jan-13 04:55:58

Exactly Holly I wouldn't want to feel like that and I'd hate it if I thought dh was only there cos he felt he had to be so he didn't upset me. And FWIW kirrin (fab name btw- I love famous five) I also have a newborn and 2 other dcs, one with aspergers, so I am quite aware of how tough it can be, BUT that still doesn't mean I would want dh to stay if he was unhappy. At the end of the day part of loving him is wanting him to be happy, with or without me.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Mon 14-Jan-13 05:33:56

The man I was in love with threw me
Out when I found out I was 23 weeks pregnant. ( just found out)
Made me move 2.5 hours back to my folks. Leave me job, and friends.
Provide nothing financially or support wise.
Shag around during my pregnancy.
Lead me on several times.

And he still continues to try and ruin my life with DD.
I think he should be slated.

I do kind of see your point although as one poster has mentioned: I don't see how two people in love and trying for a baby can fall out of love so quickly without other major factors involved eg OW

Arthurfowlersallotment Mon 14-Jan-13 05:45:03

I think a man who abandons his pregnant partner should have his arse kicked repeatedly with a hobnail boot until the end of days, but then my father done this to my mum so I'm biased.

There are NO words to describe the vulnerability you may feel in the first weeks post natal. For me it was a new sensation and very troubling. However my DP was worse than useless for the first 8 weeks and couldn't handle the stress so on reflection., if he buggered off we would have been grand.

MidnightMasquerader Mon 14-Jan-13 06:15:02

Heh, I don't think there's any question that any woman would (long-term) be better off without a man who left her during pregnancy!

But likewise, I don't think he can exactly expect to be lauded for it either.

attheendoftheday Mon 14-Jan-13 07:51:51

I think that before you conceive a child you should be sure you're willing to stick with the family for the foreseeable future. I actually don't think that 'falling out of love' is a good enough reason to walk away, I think it's selfish. If there's abuse in the relationship then I think you can walk away.

KnightBusRider Mon 14-Jan-13 08:05:06

OP I agree with you.

The man isn't walking away from the baby, just the relationship. It is a completley seperate matter.

I wish my ex-p had had the courage to leave me when I was pregnant (unplanned). I would have been fine. Instead he stayed and unintentionally made me feel like crap because I was dealing with a newborn and realising that my relationship was over. For me pregnancy would have been a much better time to break up than when I had a 7 week old. Even then it wasn't that bad tbh, you just have to get on with things.

Ex-p is a great dad though. He sees dd a lot and we are still a family, just not a conventional one.

Enfyshedd Mon 14-Jan-13 08:05:10

My friend's then "D"P dumped her at 6mo pg while she was hooked up to a drip in hospital with hyperemesis, claiming that he didn't think the baby was his (I think they'd been together about 3 years, and she says that she'd been faithful). She didn't kill him in case her DD needed an organ donor. He later pulled the same stunt with at least 3 other women over the next 10 years and "convinced" his parents that he wasn't the father in each case. In the case of my friend's DD, she felt sorry for her Ex's DM because she wanted to believe her son, but would bump into my friend in town with her DD who is a feminine version of her "D"F.

That is an example of an arsehole of the first order.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 14-Jan-13 08:15:54

I think you have a point.

Leaving a relationship and abandoning the pregnant mother of your child are two different things.

A man deserves to be slated if leaving the relationship means that he is also going to be withdrawing financial and practical support. But if he can still offer financial support and be around to help with getting through the late stages of pregnancy and the early stages of having a baby, then it's really no different to leaving the relationship at any other time.

Parents don't have to be in a loving relationship with each other to be good parents to the same child.

PessaryPam Mon 14-Jan-13 08:21:22

So Tiny you are the OW?

Well I think the problem is being dumped - it's all very well saying he can be around post natally to support the baby but while she is incubating the baby any stress has possible life long consequences.

My first husband dumped me without warning after 10 years to leave for someone else. It was devastating - I was sick every day, I lost 3 stone in weight and developed horrible physical symptoms.

The effects on any baby would have stretched into adulthood - high cortisol levels could easily have led to a stressed child/adult.

People minimise the effect of emotional pain - it can be just as strong as physical.

BreconBeBuggered Mon 14-Jan-13 08:33:40

If your friend's DW has not fallen out of love with him, and is in the middle of a planned pregnancy, it's only natural that her friends and family will rally round and there will be a fair amount of slating for the man who has decided to opt out of his anticipated role. It's human nature. Any man in this position who still expects to be seen as a good guy has his head up his arse.

MorrisZapp Mon 14-Jan-13 08:34:48

I can see your point to be honest. I think that sometimes, the advice on here doesn't add up when looked at from another angle.

My own bugbear is the disparity between splitting families depending upon who does it. So, if you're a woman and unhappy in your relationship then you should leave, the kids will be absolutely fine, they need a happy mummy.

If you're a man (or rather an OW) having an affair then the children will never recover from losing their father, you will have caused heartbreak and destruction, and ruined lives forever.

samandi Mon 14-Jan-13 08:48:15

Personally I don't understand how you fall out of love with someone almost immediately after making the decision to have a baby with someone. Surely that decision process is a lengthy and thorough one. But apparently it happens quite a lot.

GalaxyDefender Mon 14-Jan-13 08:57:33

Maybe I can give you a little perspective - this happened to me. I was about three months pregnant when exP decided to tell me he'd been having an affair with someone else, and was basically kicking me out so he could go be with her.

I was lucky, I had my family to support the miserable wreck that I was for months afterwards. Even now exP is adamant that I should "get over it", and that he didn't do anything wrong because he told me about his affair hmm

In your friends case, OP, as Brecon said, her husband will be absolutely torn to shreds by her family and friends because that's how it goes. You should have heard the language my mother used about exP. It's been best part of four years, and despite him being a part of DSs life, my family still don't like him.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Mon 14-Jan-13 09:02:41

galaxy that's the point I was trying to make I was in a similar position but you have explained it alot better than me.
I blame 4 mo sleep regression!

PureQuintessence Mon 14-Jan-13 09:10:35

I would think that your friend made her decision on child number two on the assumption that she was in a stable relationship with a man that loved her, would be around to help with her daughter, help with the new baby, driver her to appointments, be there to help during labour, heck even driving other daughter to childcare when labour started, rather than leave a couple of months in? By leaving he has not only given her heart ache, he has rocked her entire existence, and that of her children.

Do you seriously think that your friend would have agreed to have another pregnancy if she was told up front that her husband did not love her and was planning to leave?

Shelby2010 Mon 14-Jan-13 09:16:07

I think some men 'fall out of love' half way thro the pregnancy because it starts dawning on them that they will no longer come first - the baby will. It's no coincidence that this is also the time that women are most vulnerable to domestic violence.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 09:25:47

Tiny, what is the reason for your vested interest in this individual situation ?

TotallyBS Mon 14-Jan-13 09:39:42

OP - Haven't you realise by now that, here on AIBU or Relationships, there is one rule for women and one for guys? <inserts PATRONIZING SMILE emoticon> smile

Male partner is moody - Dump the childish fucker.

Female OP is moody - Dump the unsupportive fucker of a DP.

PureQuintessence Mon 14-Jan-13 09:42:42

Dont be Idiotic, TotallyBS. You talk BullShit.

People are so keen to shout "double standard" if a male poster gets a pasting, but on closer inspection this rarely holds.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 09:45:18

How strange,BS, we weren't talking about "moods"

Has somebody said something to upset you?

Cherylkerl Mon 14-Jan-13 09:45:19

If you fall out of love with someone, surely the right thing to do is to tell them straight away, try and work things out instead of fake a loving relationship for 9 months?

On the one hand, I agree with this. Honesty is the best policy. That said, sometimes relationships take a long time to be over -when one party knows where it's headed, they may have been faking 100% fulfilment for sometime. Perhaps it isn't especially harmful to eke that out a little bit longer while a partner who might not have done anything 'wrong', just a relationship running it's course to support them when they are vulnerable. I would think some decent men would be racked with guilt over knowing it wasn't going to last but would forsake their own relationship happiness for a short while, and crucially not want to miss out on their newborn child. But I don't know. It would depend on the length and nature of the relationship.

Do you think that is why a lot of women stay with abusive men? For the extra pair of hands/ they are so scared of being alone and pregnant?

The extra pair of hands in itself is not a selling point to staying with an abusive man - they tend to be man-children themselves, it's rare you find an abusive man who is prepared to pitch in with the shitwork (nuclear nappies, night feeds).

I was really broody when I met my ex. Imagine my joy when I got a 32 year old toddler! He was incapable of looking after himself let alone a child. Many are scared of being alone and pregnant because an abusive man will wear you down to the point you can barely choose a chocolate bar or cook a spaghetti bolognese incase you get it wrong...much less raise a child by yourself. They have you thinking you are incompetent, incapable, ugly, mad and therefore incapable of being a parent. If the relationship lasts throughout the pregnancy in such relationships, some partners believe two parents even if one is abusive is better than one or believe that while their partner might be abusive they can still be a good parent (fallacy - good parents do not abuse their child's other parent)

Goldenbear Mon 14-Jan-13 09:47:18

It is totally irresponsible of this man, first and foremost to his child and then his unborn child. TBH, I don't understand how 5 months ago he was in love with her to have another child and now he is just NOT- is he a 'bright' kind of 'chap'?

TotallyBS Mon 14-Jan-13 09:54:44

Any - My comments are just based on observations as opposed to having an axe to grind.

Goldenbear Mon 14-Jan-13 09:55:18

Oh and I think he shod bite the bullet and stay with her, that's what you have do when you're a parent, well a good one, put your children first. Let's face it it is not ideal for him, know one else but him, don't try and suggest there is any virtue in being honest in this situation- splitting g up at this point as ONLY going to be best for him.

My Dad had a few affairs, probably began when I was around 5, they didn't divorce until I was 11 but in all honesty I liked having my Dad around. Throughout those years my parents tried to work at the relationship- I think that was the better thing to do. If he had left when I was very young only he would've gained the most from that scenario.

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