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to want to spend time alone with my son

(151 Posts)
TB87 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:53:59

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a tough spot and would really appreciate some help or advice whether you've been in this situation before or not.

I split from my ex this time last year, when she was 5 months pregnant, I'd realised over the months before hand that I was no longer in love with her, I didn't talk to her about it because as it was an issue inside me I thought I could deal with it, as it turns out I couldn't and knew we couldn't be happy together if. I knew staying together for the sake of a child is the wrong thing to do as they'd only end up getting hurt. I figured a child would be happier having 2 happy parents who live 8 miles apart than 2 miserable ones that live together?

We had been about to move into a cheaper place and as I didn't want her to have the stress of finding somewhere to live or having to move back into her parents and share a bedroom, I waited until we'd moved until breaking the news. As I was the sole earner I paid for everything for the first 3 months while living on various friends and families sofas. Once she received her maternity allowance we took that amount off my payments so I could find a place of my own. I've since realised that by doing so I took away her choice and this is part of the reason she's angry. I still wanted to be as supportive as possible and went to every ante-natal appointment with her and was there at every stage of labour and of course at the birth of my beautiful little boy.

About 3 months afterwards I started seeing a woman who I am now living and very happy with. My ex has also said that she's never been happier and that me leaving has been really good for her character.

Things are amicable between us and I see my beautiful little boy 2 evenings a week and during the day on Sundays, but only at my ex's house. She says that she doesn't feel ready to leave him yet and that because she's got to get used to the idea of eventually not spending every weekend with him (when I have him) and that he'll be around my partner, (who she says she hates and can't respect because what sort of woman would get with a guy who had a child on the way,) that I have to let her decide when she's ready, ages of up to 2 years have been mentioned.

I don't think it's fair on my son to not be around me in my home environment for that long a time, as if he only comes when older he might not take to the change. Also I think I'm perfectly within my right to be able to see him on my own as at the moment I can't take him out for the day on my own as my ex thinks that I'll secretly ring my girlfriend for her to meet him, which wouldn't happen as I respect my ex's feelings.

We've discussed it before but she point blank refuses to negotiate. I'm thinking of asking again in a few weeks and If my she still won't agree to negotiate with a time that I can start gradually taking him for longer periods at the weekend then I think my only option would be to go to a mediator and possibly courts as most of my family haven't met him yet as they didn't know my ex that well even after 7 years together and they feel awkward coming to her house. I don't think it's fair that he should only know half his family, especially now he's getting to recognize people and form relationships.

I'd really appreciate a woman's perspective on this. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to start seeing my son alone and gradually introduce him to my partner?

Naysa Sun 13-Jan-13 22:49:40

What you did was pretty horrible OP and I'll bet my left leg that you wanted out before your ex got pregnant but you kept sleeping with her anyway. Because it was convenient?
I'll also bet you had the other woman ready too.

You dont plan to have a child with someone then chicken out at the last minute.

I think you know your request in unreasonable but you're using this an excuse to not see your son so you can cosy up and play happy families with the new woman.

Doha Sun 13-Jan-13 23:03:40

why TidyDancer??? is it uncalled for????

I have just said what many are no doubt thinking.

BarredfromhavingStella Sun 13-Jan-13 23:07:23

1st off you didn't suddenly decide you'd fell out of love with her-you knew this for a while so why the fuck did you carry on having unprotected sex with her knowing the end result was possibly a child that would have 'two miserable parents'? hmm

That aside don't talk about your rights as you don't have any, she as the childs mother & primary carer calls the shots so the sooner you get your head round that the better you'll get along.

I do however think you should spend time with your child so you need to talk to her & prove you're not the arsehole she thinks you are but from what you have revealed so far I think that may be hard work.

FWIW I wouldn't let my child near the OW either & lets make no bones about it, that's what she is/was.

TidyDancer Sun 13-Jan-13 23:10:00

Yes it absolutely is uncalled for. You don't know the OP, you don't know anything about the situation other than what has been written. Sometimes it's best to just take someone at face value rather than assume.

You chose to call him a "nasty little fucker" instead. What a lovely choice of words.

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Sun 13-Jan-13 23:10:59

At the end of the day, unless OP was abusive, the Ex has no more rights to the child than he does. The child is 8 months old from what we can gather. Not a new born. As someone else said, plenty of people go back to work before this date and babies are seperated from the mother.

How is the child going to get to know the father without the mother around. At what point is it acceptable for him to be left alone with the child? Who gets to determine that age?

ZZZenAgain Sun 13-Jan-13 23:11:22

how old is the baby and is he being breast-fed?

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sun 13-Jan-13 23:12:01

TidyDancer your attack on Doha was massively uncalled for.

Doha Sun 13-Jan-13 23:15:33

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion so l think it is best to agree to disagree on this one TidyDancer.

Thank you PelvicFloorClenchReminder love the name and away to do just that smile

TidyDancer Sun 13-Jan-13 23:15:56

I haven't attacked Doha, obviously.

Yfronts Sun 13-Jan-13 23:20:10

How old is your son and how is he being fed breast or bottle.

Agree this is essential info.

A small baby shouldn't be apart from it's mother if that is what she wishes (bonding etc) and breast feeding will mean separation is totally impractical

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 13-Jan-13 23:20:55

OP, you need to consider how you appear to others.

After 7 years your partner and family still didn't really know each other, to the point that your family don't feel able to visit her. That's frankly a bit odd, and suggests you kept her separate from them all that time because you never really regarded her as a permanent fixture in your life. Which suggests you strung her along all that time, possibly because you like your home comforts (supported by your rapid moving-in with your new girlfriend).

Regardless, you allowed a pregnancy to occur (as did she, but I'm leaning to her having regarded you as permanent), and when you realised that this was an actual COMMITMENT, you took fright and backed out ASAP. But not before moving her to a cheaper place (as you were paying, no need for expense, eh?) which could also have moved her from her support network of friends and neighbours.

Interesting that your couch-surfing ended around the time you met your new girlfriend. Did you move straight in or spend any time living alone?

So your ex, working from the above, can see that you do not do commitment. And she knows what it's like to have someone rip their apparent commitment away. She may well fear that you will do the same to DS, and just as unexpectedly as you did to her. Wouldn't a good mother try to protect her child from that? If you visit DS at their home, she can monitor. Out of her sight, she can't be sure you'll meet DS's needs, wither physically or emotionally. She doesn't know if she can trust you. After all, last time she trusted you it didn't work out so well, did it?

And that's even before you consider the primal need many women feel to keep their babies close - and at 7-8 months old, your son is still a baby.

Your post is all about you you you; your home environment, your rights, seeing him on your own. You need to start putting him and his needs before your own. As any good parent would.

MakeItALarge Sun 13-Jan-13 23:21:05

I bet the op never comes back...
He just wanted to be told he was a wonderful father and totally in the right hmm

MarianneM Sun 13-Jan-13 23:22:18

The majority of the posts in this thread are totally out of order.

OP, if you are still reading, take no notice.

Who knew what bitterness people can have towards complete strangers?

YANBU OP, although I can appreciate it is hard for a mother of a tiny baby to be parted from them overnight.

No anwers really, except I hope things work out well for you all.

As for some of the posters here, what a nasty bunch.

shesariver Sun 13-Jan-13 23:23:28

dont you think your ds will feel arkward being taken away from his mummy to be passed around by strangers in a strange environment?

I can see where you are coming from but regarding access arrangements for extended family when relationships break up - well a child has to get to know family at some point. And regarding overnight access a lot depends on the age of the child.

So much hasnt been said e.g why OPs family havent met ex -maybe its not their fault?

MarianneM Sun 13-Jan-13 23:23:37

P.S. Mumsnet - if some of these posts are not personal attacks, I don't know what are!

shesariver Sun 13-Jan-13 23:26:33

PelvicFloorClenchReminder must have missed something but I cant see where tidy attacked doha, all they said was calling the OP a nasty little fucker was out of order? confused

KeepYerTitsIn Sun 13-Jan-13 23:26:53

You have behaved very shoddily OP. I think you have managed to kid yourself, and probably your family, that what you did was in everybody's interest. I think you know deep down that you have ruined your ex's happiness and treated her badly, and continue to do so. Take a look at yourself, what you have done, and find some compassion for her and her baby who will deal with the repercussions of your mean spiritedness for a long time to come.

Doha Sun 13-Jan-13 23:27:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

cantspel Sun 13-Jan-13 23:27:19

Again shows the double standards of mn. if a woman came on here posting she was no longer in love with her partner but was pregnant no one would be telling her she must stay with them just because of the baby. So why is it different when a man leaves?

As long as the baby is not soley breast fed then the father is quite capable of looking after it without mum in the same house. The op should be able to take his child to his home and introduce him to his family and if the mum was blocking this then he should look at mediation and if needed a court order.

MarianneM Sun 13-Jan-13 23:28:47

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

LillyRosePetal Sun 13-Jan-13 23:29:28

I wonder if TB87 will even bother to comment on this thread.

I have a feeling that this will turn into a 10 pager regardless of whether he does or not.

MarianneM Sun 13-Jan-13 23:30:50

I think a lot of people are projecting their own disappointment/resentment/bitterness over their relationships/history on the OP.


millie30 Sun 13-Jan-13 23:30:51

Actually cantspel I've seen quite a few threads lately where women have been asked why on earth they got pregnant when their relationships weren't great. I think it's fair to say that the OP in this case strung his Ex along, and by doing this he limited her choices.

shesariver Sun 13-Jan-13 23:31:05

doha you sound lovely hmm. No-one has said the OP is without blame but we dont really know what is going on here, you have been quick to judge however. I think pointing out your opinion without calling him a nasty little fucker and a twat is possible.

Doha Sun 13-Jan-13 23:32:01

Hahahahaha Marianne -brilliant comeback--NOT

but please do not derail the thread with your insults to someone who is simply expressing an opinion not at you---unless you are indeed the OP

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