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to not buy DD2 a car even though we bought DD1 one?

(77 Posts)
MissMiaWallace Sun 13-Jan-13 20:20:52

We have three daughters. Aged 24, 20 and 14. We have always treated them the same. Such as when DD1 was 11 she got her ears pierced and so DD2 and DD3 could too at that age, and if one is given £10 so are the others etc.

DD1 started driving as soon as she turned 17. We bought her a car whilst she was learning (nothing expensive) as dh worked away a lot and my car is a manual. She failed her first test and then stopped driving.

We then had 3 cars which was a complete waste of money, and so we decided to sell it.

My DD2 has started learning to drive now and has asked for a car. We have said no as she is insured on dh's car as he does not work away anymore.

In her eyes she says she should have a car as her older sister did and it's unfair for her to get punished for her sisters actions.

In our opinion we don't want the same mistake to happen again and also DD2 has had money spent on her in other ways. We have paid for 2 holidays away with her friends, as she doesn't come on family holidays anymore and she has had a new laptop for uni.

aibu to not buy her a car?

Pigsmummy Sun 13-Jan-13 22:29:54

Put yourself in her shoes, you would be gutted when you thought that you were going to get a car but then told no......why wouldn't she think that you wouldn't treat her the same as DD1.....

FWIW I plan to buy all my kids a car. It might not be flash but it will be a car.

I wont tell them that though. They will have to atleast show willing to save.

KitchenandJumble Sun 13-Jan-13 22:47:30

YANBU. She has access to a car while she is learning. Your circumstances have changed, so your DH's car is now available. If she wants a car of her own, she can buy one.

She is twenty years old. She's an adult, for heaven's sake. If she's still playing the "unfair" game, that's a bit embarrassing. No need to infantilise her further by giving in to her tantrums.

StuntGirl Sun 13-Jan-13 22:59:45

I can't believe how many people think a twenty year old adult should be entitled to a free car! She has access to a car to learn to drive in, that's more than I get and I'm a damn sight older than the OP's daughter.

Throwing your toys out of the pram and having a strop because of some perceived in justice is hardly going to strengthen her case is it? I can appreciate that perhaps she has been expecting all along that she'd get one, but she's old enough to understand that equal doesn't always mean the same. If things have always been equal between the children then the OP isn't showing favouritism now.

In the OP's position I'd more inclined to wait until she's passed before buying a car, but given her brattish behaviour I'd be inclined not to get her one at all. It's a huge privilege to drive and own a car, let alone be given one for free and the daughter is old enough to recognise that.

sheisold Sun 13-Jan-13 23:03:22

absolutely not - no way.

herladyship Sun 13-Jan-13 23:11:48

I agree with the posters who have said your daughter is already getting a good deal & should show gratitude for what she is getting rather than requesting more!

Yfronts Sun 13-Jan-13 23:23:59

dd1 didn't really have the car, you bought it then sold it. DD1 has nothing due to the fact it was a mistake. You could offer to buy DD2 a car but then sell it before she has passed her test? That might seem fair?

Yfronts Sun 13-Jan-13 23:25:31

I firmly believe in treating all kids the same but DD1 doesn't now own a car - so why should DD2.

charlearose Sun 13-Jan-13 23:55:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl Mon 14-Jan-13 00:00:08

Yes my insurance is going to be over £2000 when I pass and I'm quite a lot older so not in the 'young' bracket anymore like the OP's daughter. My friend's brother was quoted almost £4000 for his when he passed! Granted that was one crazy quote, the rest were in the £2-3k region, but regardless it's not exactly cheap.

cumfy Mon 14-Jan-13 00:25:42

Did DD1 get 2 holidays paid by age 20 ?

Catchingmockingbirds Mon 14-Jan-13 00:35:06

I was going to say yabu until I seen you paid for a few holidays for her and bought her a new laptop. To keep things fair could you work out how much you spend on holidays/laptop and the difference between that and the previously bought car and (if you can afford it obviously) offer to give the difference to dd2 on passing her test as a gift.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Mon 14-Jan-13 00:35:36

i wanted to do a lot of things for my daughter - provide a childhood trip to paris, a computer, a piano, a car - all things that when the times came, i couldn't do because there wasn't any money.

i am so sorry to have disappointed her. she has never complained.

i think your daughter might feel unfairly treated. but if you explain that your circumstances have changed, she would be right to accept that.

deleted203 Mon 14-Jan-13 00:49:43

YANBU....but I know what you are saying. We had the same thing, sort of, this year. Don't want to hi-jack your thread but I wonder if anyone has views on our situation.

DS1 (18) got a job, away from home, starting in Sept. He was learning to drive, and we knew he would really need to pass his test and get a car. We had the opportunity to buy one from family member (Group 1 insurance) for £500 so we did, and told him it was his, and he would have to insure it when he left home. He then failed his bloody test twice this summer and went away without car (and isn't really bothered about it). He's given up driving and flat shares with a co-worker who drives. He's quite happy. DD1 (20) and DD2 (17) both had roughly £500 each. DD1 got holiday abroad paid for, (£575) and DD2 got brand new laptop (£545) for 6th form.

Meanwhile my ancient car failed it's MOT so I stuck £180 worth of insurance on DSs little car and I'm driving it around.

DD1 (20) passed her test 3 years ago, but has never been able to drive because a) she can't afford insurance b) isn't on ours - up til now I had a people carrier that was an automatic, and no insurance company would add an under 25 driver to. DH drives a bloody great work van.

Now, however, she is busy moaning that she could have this car. I could give it to her and buy myself another one (can't afford to). Or I could put her on the insurance (will be another £2,000 - can't afford to). She is constantly moaning that we bought DS a car and not her, ignoring the fact that if we did give it to her she couldn't afford to tax/insure/run it anyway as she isn't working full time.

So, no.....I don't think YABU. I don't think we are either, but others might have different views. PS...I gave DS £500 when he went away so that he'd had the same money as his sisters.

PickledApples Mon 14-Jan-13 00:58:13

Unless she knew the holidays and laptop were instead of a car then it does sound a bit unequal. However I think buying a car while they learn is not the way to go anyway - buy it when they pass. They're very lucky in a general sense btw, if they realise that you're onto a good thing!

sashh Mon 14-Jan-13 03:07:55

When you bought DD1 a car what did the other two get?

Did you say or imply that DD2 would get the same?

weegiemum Mon 14-Jan-13 03:17:42

I don't know how we'll be when we get as far as cars (though it's only about 4 years off) especially as I'm medically unfit to drive through disability and it would be great not to always have to rely on dh .....

However, in our house we have a saying "you are all equal, but different people get different treats at different times". We are careful to give them equality, but though dd1 got her ears pierced at the end of primary 5, it wasn't as if ds wanted that!! Dd2 has had some extra things due to hospital admissions: the others happily thought this was fair, as at least they didn't have to go into hospital.

Everyone seems happy, the girls have earrings and ds got a ps3 game he wanted at around the same time!

JumpingJackSprat Mon 14-Jan-13 07:09:02

Its beyond me why anyone would buy their child a car. At 20 your daughter is an adult and is old enough to get a job and pay for luxuries herself. i think my parents stopped paying for my holidays at 18 and thereafter holidays, cars and driving lessons were saved up and paid for by me. sounds like your dd needs to learn so me responsibility for herself. to the other poster who has a cheap runaround her dd feels she is entitled to, tell her she cant have it! You need it and youre paying for the upkeep.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Mon 14-Jan-13 07:20:54

Oh for goodness sake, YANBU!!
I don't flippin blame you for your decision not buy your DD2 a car, they cost money, and the first time you bought one that money was wasted.

This is ONE occurance where DD2 has not had something the same as her older sister. And I am assuming that DD3 will not be getting a car either. It's not about what other posters have said where they had an upbringing where they were always treated differently- this is nothing like that. You have made a decision as a parent not to run the risk of making the same mistake again.

Plus it teaches them that they can't have everything handed to them on a plate. She's an adult now and needs to be grown up instead of putting it on.

DizzyZebra Mon 14-Jan-13 07:24:05

YANBU. You didn't by your DD1 a car as such - You bought one intended for her if she passed her test. Which she didn't.

Your daughter is being childish. She is 20 for gods sake, Not far off my age.

DizzyZebra Mon 14-Jan-13 07:25:08

And i have NO car. My partner has NO car. At all. She should be damned thankful she has access to one at all.

Theas18 Mon 14-Jan-13 07:25:41

Maybe suggest she actually passes her test and gets some on road experience/proves a need of said car and they you'll look at the finances again and see if they stack up?

I don't treat my 3 exactly the same but try to treat them fairly. I think it's different. Also they need by the time they are older teens to have an appreciation of the calls on the family purse, and that there may or may not be money available at times for things.

JourneyThroughLife Mon 14-Jan-13 07:32:27

YANBU. The situation is different, DD2 still has access to a car, she's had other things.

When I was younger, my father made a point of NOT paying for driving lessons, cars etc. for my sister and I, even though he was able to. He encouraged us but felt we'd take better care of everything if we saved for it all ourselves. He was right. With my own son and daughter I did the same - if they were determined enough, they would save up, book and pay for their own driving lessons and the subsequent car. It makes responsible citizens out of them. Neither think they are "badly done by". Your DD2 has it easy, she should be grateful, not wanting more...

RedHelenB Mon 14-Jan-13 07:34:54

Thing ois, dd1 DID get a car & if she had carried on driving would have kept it. DD2 is right that you are treating her differently to her eldest sister BUT I think YANBU to see that she is actually going to stick with it before getting her one.

AmandaCooper Mon 14-Jan-13 08:48:03

Don't put the family's needs second to the equality principle. It makes sense in the context of ear piercing and pocket money when your children are little and their means and needs are the same, but you can't carry it on forever. My grandmother was so wedded to the equality principle that when her youngest daughter walked out of an abusive marriage with nothing but the clothes on her back and two little children she refused to help her out financially on the grounds that she couldn't afford to give the same money to her five siblings.

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