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To say STOP asking posters WHY they decided to become pregnant, have more dc etc

(70 Posts)
akaemmafrost Sun 13-Jan-13 12:52:51

When they post about problematic relationships or life situations? And CERTAINLY NOT when there are disabilities involved.

Three times on three separate posts I have seen this question today and it infuriates me. I would be interested to know how many of you who ask that question would ask it face to face to a struggling pregnant woman or mother in terrible pain in RL.

1. They can't give them back and I am quite sure no matter whatever their personal situation they would not want to.
2. It adds NOTHING whatsoever to the discussion or support requested, it's a total dead end question that ensures the poster goes immediately on the defensive and feels ever MORE shite than when they first posted. Not terribly helpful in abusive situations.
3. No one can predict what will happen, life changes in a heart beat.
4. It makes you sound unbearably smug and judgey and like you don't have much life experience tucked up in your little ivory tower.

Thank you.

TheSecretCervixDNCOP Sun 13-Jan-13 12:56:37

I completely agree, there was a thread not so long ago where a mother was struggling as her DP worked long hours and she had three disabled children, people had the nerve to question her as to why she had a third when the two she had were already ill/disabled. It was a contraceptive failure I think but still you DON'T ask that even if their children are in good health. YANBU

LadyIsabellaWrotham Sun 13-Jan-13 13:00:10

I don't ever ask it, but in cases where the OH is clearly a bastard I think it, often. I agree that it adds nothing to the thread in question though, I don't think there's ever a good reason to say it to someone's face (or the MN equivalent).

onetiredmummy Sun 13-Jan-13 13:00:14

I think it depends on the thread. If it sounds dodgy or genuinely more info is needed I don't see a problem with it.

I haven't read the thread above but I have seen it used in the past as a way of commenting on the poster's past choice, e.g. 'its your own fault then 'kind of thing & I that is just malicious.

but for relevant fact finding I think its OK. The OP doesn't have to answer.

TheVermiciousKnid Sun 13-Jan-13 13:01:54


StraightTalkinSheila Sun 13-Jan-13 13:28:17

I heart akaemmafrost.

Pseudo341 Sun 13-Jan-13 14:02:09

YANBU. I'm disabled, we're TTC DC2 atm despite having had all sorts of crappy problems in the last year because we want 2 kids, we want to minimise the age gap, and there's possible treatment for me that has to be on hold until we've finished having kids. There's been a couple of times I've been tempted to ask advice on here recently but decided against it because I know I'll get a load of crap about it being stupid to be trying for another one. There's the possiblity a second pregnancy may put me full time in a wheelchair, I know it'll be worth it but I don't expect a lot of people on here to understand. It's a shame because I've had some sensible advice on this site in the past.

CrazyChristmasLady Sun 13-Jan-13 14:05:06


It does sound unbearably smug when people do it.

AKissIsNotAContract Sun 13-Jan-13 14:06:49

YANBU, it's infuriating.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 13-Jan-13 14:26:23

YANBU. At all.

It's like the threads when the OP has had enough or close to enough of her DP's behaviour because he's abusive/adulterous or just generally shit and people go "why did marry/have children with such a wanker then?". How is that helpful?

BeauticianNotMagician Sun 13-Jan-13 14:34:10

YANBU I had it for years from people.I was in an abusive relationship with ex DP and yes after dc1 I knew what he was like and stupidly tried for dc2.I was young and naive and thought that I could change him. I left him before dc2 was born.

I learnt so much from it.I will never allow another person to control me again.Unfortunately people feel free to comment on situations they know nothing about.Its easy to say to someone get out of a relationship but a lot harder to do.Then when I finally left I got comments about how awful it must be to be a single parent shock

akaemmafrost Sun 13-Jan-13 14:43:53

I totally understand pseudo smile

Mwah! sheila grin

StraightTalkinSheila Sun 13-Jan-13 14:52:34

You're welcome. Credit where credit's due. smile

Sunnywithshowers Sun 13-Jan-13 14:59:34


ShellyBoobs Sun 13-Jan-13 15:17:58

I will admit to often thinking it but I'd never say it.

Nobody's life is simple and straighforward enough for a simple and straightforward answer to such a question.

I just assume that there are things going on which we're not party to.

honeytea Sun 13-Jan-13 15:52:07

I disagree, my mother had me and my db with a very unsuitable man and when she moans about him I say to her it's her own fault for having babies with him, especially 2 babies. These men don't usually change from ideal partners to idiots with the birth of a child.

When a poster complains about an ongoing problem such as a recent thread where op's dp had been unemployed for 2 years and op was 6 months pregnant and complaining that her dp was useless and wouldn't get a job I think to ask her why she chooses to have a 2nd child rather than take responsibility for their financial position by getting a job herself is relevant.

akaemmafrost Sun 13-Jan-13 15:56:02

Do you wish she hadn't had you and DB then Honeytea because that's the alternative.

akaemmafrost Sun 13-Jan-13 15:56:52

The point is what answer do you want to that question when you ask it? What does it add?

MurderOfGoths Sun 13-Jan-13 15:58:25


honeytea Sun 13-Jan-13 16:02:56

I don't wish she hadn't had us but I do wish she wouldn't moan about a problem that was completely her making. The way I see it is she had a baby with a man who was mentally unstable, not working manipulative and a drug user, he was all theses things before I was born, he continued to be those things after I was born and was still all those things when my brother was born. It was my mother's choice to have babies so she shouldn't moan about it.

akaemmafrost Sun 13-Jan-13 16:08:31

But you and your brother are here living productive lives I take it. Surely thats a positive outcome from a Not Great Situation?

People make mistakes don't they? Are you a "you made your bed" kind of person?

I respect you have your opinion but I couldn't disagree more with you.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 13-Jan-13 16:22:58

Honeytea, I agree. Lots of posts on here re having children with unsuitable partners, no job, already stretched to the limit and many people will wonder, even if to themselves, why add to that. If you choose to have x number of children then dont moan about schools asking for money, housework etc.

Why is it smug to think the question? It doesnt mean the person thinking it is in a perfect place but just looking at the situation and wondering what on earth led them to make such a decision.

specialsubject Sun 13-Jan-13 16:34:30

obviously kids cannot be put back!! (otherwise none of us would be here..)

obviously situations change, and the handsome prince can turn out to be a frog AFTER the kids are conceived. It's when he's a frog long beforehand that I struggle to understand.

ditto when there's not enough money and yet still more children arrive.

So I wonder, and sometimes question. Which IS allowed.

Maryz Sun 13-Jan-13 16:34:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theicingontop Sun 13-Jan-13 16:36:30

YANBU, but I often think it when the OH was an established drug addict before the conception of their children. You are right, there's no point to asking it. Best left unsaid imo.

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