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Regarding my exTwunts day out with PFB

(136 Posts)
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 12-Jan-13 12:02:36

DD is 17 weeks, tommorow i have allowed him to have DD alone for the first time.
(There is a hug backs tory but this i can assure you is rather generous) He is not competent with DD at all. I had agrreed to drive 1.5 hours to meet him, so he could take her to her GPs a further hour away.
He is NOT competent with DD at all, he will no tmake comtact arrangements and i am currently building up eveidence for legal arrangements to be make (that is a hwole other thread). He does not see or contact about DD on a regular basis, very hit and miss. So as you can see i am being very accomdating.
So here is where he think IAMBU, i do not think i am.
He has now changed the plans. He wants to take her from me, to her GP (1 hour) to his sister (40 mins) back to his parents (40 mins) back to me (1 hour).
ALL IN FOUR HOURS. Excluding the 1.5 hours each way i am doing.
I feel this is awful for my Dd's, development, relationship with her father, routine and not to mention how long she will be in a car seat.

I have explained this, but IAMBU. He wants to know if he can have her longer and drop her the whole way back to me, but this doesnt solve the issue besides i feel 4 hours is long enough for a first visit. Also, i have never every left her longer with anyone. Now im being pushed for him to have her overnight tonight by him.
I am not happy, would you be happy with this?
I have offered him ways around this eg inviting all the family down to my area. Or why cant his isster go to her parents? I have said he could have her here today.
I just to not want her in a car that long.
I Willa ccept a flaming if i IAMBU

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 12-Jan-13 13:07:40

He had her once as a newborn, around six weeks.
I came home all the bottles I left weren't touched. Her nappy was full. She was in one room in a travel cot him in another both doors shut.
The house was freezing. She had just a vest on and thin blanket.
He didn't see a problem with that as I would be home soon. He didn't bother changing her as he didn't see the point even though she had a change of clothes.
I'm getting upset now as he is meant to be getting her from where my course is.

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 12-Jan-13 13:10:18

Oh poor you Make - I am sorry but based on his behaviour last time he had her I would not be letting him have her again. Is there someone you can leave her with whilst you do your course?

She is still only 17 weeks you say?

CecilyP Sat 12-Jan-13 13:14:36

From what I have gathered, the car journey won't be very broken up at all, if all that visiting is fitted in to 4 hours. In fact there is only 40 minutes of non-travel time in those 4 hours and the one compromise (and the thing that could easily be dispensed with) is the visit to the sister. The fact that he is even considering this extra visit, would make him seem not too concerned with the baby's welfare.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 12-Jan-13 13:18:03

Thank you everyone.
Yes she's 17 weeks and her routine is haywire as it is at the minute.
My parents would really love to have her for the day smile

DontmindifIdo Sat 12-Jan-13 13:26:38

cancel visit - at that age, she's going to get nothing from it, she's going to be sat in a car and hten looked after (hopefully)by grandparents, not by your exp.

Get your parents to look after her this time, then in the future, give him access at your house again (you go out) if he can prove he can actually manage to look after her (basically, fed, warm, clean - actually interacting seems a bit much for him!) then you can increase to him going elsewhere with her. She's not a toy to be shown off.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 12-Jan-13 13:28:42

dont you have just repeated the line in my head. She is not a doll

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 12-Jan-13 13:30:10

Fakebook- I don't have hate for him

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 13:30:19

Make Ask your parents to have her, as they'd look after her, i'd rather her be safe than travelling in the car for 4 hours probably in the same nappy, she'd get just awful nappy rash after.

3littlefrogs Sat 12-Jan-13 13:32:27

He had her once as a newborn, around six weeks.
I came home all the bottles I left weren't touched. Her nappy was full. She was in one room in a travel cot him in another both doors shut.
The house was freezing. She had just a vest on and thin blanket.
He didn't see a problem with that as I would be home soon. He didn't bother changing her as he didn't see the point even though she had a change of clothes

I would be reporting this to HV/Social Services asap.

He should only have supervised contact.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 12-Jan-13 13:33:53

If your parents will take her, let your parents look after him. Tell your ex that future visits will be under your supervision until you are happy he can care for her adequately.

financialwizard Sat 12-Jan-13 13:37:52

I was going to agree with Red and Fakebook until your post about his last visit.

On this occasion I would definitely be saying 'no' and asking your parents to look after your baby. I wouldn't be allowing any unsupervised visits until he had mastered bottle feeds and nappy changes too. It is very possible he is terrified of hurting the baby and needs a kick and some advice too.

DeepRedBetty Sat 12-Jan-13 13:43:54

Thought financialwizard was referring to me until I saw RedHelenB's post!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 12-Jan-13 13:48:13

Terrified of hurting the baby - so he left her shut in another room? hmm

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 12-Jan-13 13:51:25

He makes me feel like I am making it up but I feel I have let so much go.

So what do I do in regards to the text he just sent saying he will be picking her up from where we agreed at X time

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 13:51:39

Exactly, i never fully shut the doors when my DD was a baby, i needed to able to hear her.

This man just apparently cant be bothered.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 13:53:11

Make Say no, you arent happy with arrangements nor his ability to look after her, he needs to prove himself.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 12-Jan-13 13:54:31

I would cancel the visit. If you can, bypass your ex and contact his parents directly inviting them to visit DD at your house on another day. If they are reasonable people, they will understand your concerns that your DD would simply be spending all day in a car seat. If they are as twunty as their son and start complaining, remember that they have NO RIGHTS AT ALL.

And given how the contact went when she was 6 weeks, I'd want all contact supervised. Her needs come first.

Bobyan Sat 12-Jan-13 13:56:09

Can you get him to visit the baby at your parents? At least then your offering contact...

3littlefrogs Sat 12-Jan-13 13:57:58

I would just say that leaving a 17 week old baby in a car seat for over 4 hours at a time is dangerous to their health because it can restrict their breathing.

Added to this, his neglect of her the last time he had her confirms that he does not have her wellfare at heart.

She will be looked after at your parents home and he is welcome to visit to spend some quality time with her there.

I know it is difficult, but you cannot let him bully you into putting your child at risk.

In future communicate by email so that you have a record. Summarise, in writing, all the reasonable suggestions you have made to facilitate contact.

I think you will have to get legal/social services advice.

There is a duty social worker available over the weekend.

lemonstartree Sat 12-Jan-13 13:59:33

just one thing - for her 'development' ??? chill down !

BUT you are both her parents and she has a right to a relationship with him. He does need to make an effort though...he wont learn how to deal with her unless he gets the chance will he ?

Glimmerberry Sat 12-Jan-13 14:01:08

I can understand, the "he's her father" POV but would you let any other stranger with no experience of children (let alone your child) look after your child for this period of time? Think of everything we do to make sure childminders/nurseries are appropriately qualified and equipped.

Can you email him (to start a record of your communication on this, in case things get ugly) saying something along the lines of:

"I'd like you to have a relationship with DD, but one that works in the longterm and puts her welfare first. The visit you've suggested perhaps isn't the best start for this since it will involve DD spending a lot of time in a carseat (there is a recommended limit of ? hours due to the pressure placed on an infant's developing spine). Also she currently needs to be fed regularly and have frequent nappy changes which would be difficult with the day you've planned.

Instead I'd like to suggest starting your contact with DD at my home, where she has everything she needs and is familiar with her surroundings. You can visit and care for her needs with me present initially and then for a few hours while I am out, and we can increase this time if all goes well before you start taking her for short trips out, working up to longer trips and overnight visits as you've suggested. Hope this seems reasonable to you, let's put some dates on the calender".

And bear in mind it's difficult to know what meeting a baby's needs and "all going well" actually means unless you've had a child before or been there from day one. Play fair and be clear about what is needed -maybe sketch out a rough timetable including the habits she is in for naps etc. Try not to set him up to fail, which I kind of think allowing him a miserable car journey with a screaming unhappy child might be.

CecilyP Sat 12-Jan-13 14:04:13

'development' does sound a bit pompous but in OP's place, I would be concerned about her actul welfare.

Annianni Sat 12-Jan-13 14:04:14

No way would I leave my baby with someone like that.

You wouldn't be able to concentrate on your course while he had her.

Leave her with your parents and tell him he needs to come to you for supervised visits only.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 12-Jan-13 14:04:41

"So what do I do in regards to the text he just sent saying he will be picking her up from where we agreed at X time"
Respond by text, so that you have a record of your response. I would put something along the lines of

"We did not agree on the additional 80 minutes round trip to your sister's, meaning DD would spend 3 hours 20mins of the agreed 4 hours travelling and only 40 minutes spent visiting. I think it best for DD that this visit be cancelled and we rearrange."

This makes it clear that he has changed the arrangement and why you are not agreeing to it. And by offering to rearrange, you come across as the reasonable one.

"She was in one room in a travel cot him in another both doors shut."
And he wants to spend over three hours in a car with her? I really don't see that working.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 12-Jan-13 14:06:49

Glimmer- I have done all that including a letter he refused to co operate.
From a legal point of view I have two options.
1, pay for a solicitor myself which I cannot afford. To help with a court order. I don't qualify for legal aid.

2, The harsh way. Stop all contact and force him to take me to court.

I have all diarised evidence and photographic text messages.

His parents are not reasonable and believe their son does no wrong, and I/My family ABU shock

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