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IHBU to go out leaving me with the DCs?

(21 Posts)
HoratiaWinwood Sat 12-Jan-13 11:21:06

Long so as not to dripfeed.

This week I had a mc. I called in a lot of favours so I wouldn't have to do school run, but instead could sit on the sofa recovering. I have been utterly wiped out physically but am emotionally/mentally reasonably level.

DH thinks I am anaemic and is prescribing red meat. Earlier today he had to pick me off the floor because I'd bent down to rescue something for the toddler and couldn't get up again.

He has gone out for two hours to pick up a piece of furniture that will be living in our (damp) garage for a fortnight before it can be installed. I asked which of the children he was taking with him, and he said neither, there wouldn't be space in the car.

I shock. Then I asked why that job needed doing today - I'd been hoping for a day off before he goes away on business tomorrow - and he said I should have said that yesterday. Last night I explicitly asked what today's plans were and they did not involve furniture.

He has gone, instructing me not to bend down before he gets back, and not to let the children in the front room (where the tv is) because they've watched a lot of telly this week and he doesn't want any toys in there.

AIBU to feel abandoned, and to say so, or IHBU to fuck off in this cavalier fashion?

Flisspaps Sat 12-Jan-13 11:23:38

How old are the children?

What does he expect them to do if you can't play with them, the TV can't go on or toys can't go in the living room?!

Tbh I'd ignore his 'order' and let them in there anyway.

comingintomyown Sat 12-Jan-13 11:24:04

The furniture bit is slightly annoying but he told you the DC cant go in the front room to watch TV ?

Yfronts Sat 12-Jan-13 11:25:05

Put the kids in front of the telly and rest on the sofa. You need to take things easy.

JaneFonda Sat 12-Jan-13 11:27:32

I wouldn't be feeling upset, I would be livid.

Not so much about the furniture, but more about leaving you with the kids when you're going through such a hard time emotionally and physically, and then dictating to you what they can and can't do!

They are your children too, aren't they? If you're responsible for them, then who cares if they've had too much TV - there are much bigger fish to fry and you should be able to take it easy without him controlling that.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 12-Jan-13 11:27:34

HIBU and a horrible cunt.

I would be considering divorce if DH behaved like that in the circumstances.

ResolutelyCheeky Sat 12-Jan-13 11:27:48

If you are left in charge then his rules do not apply.

LindyHemming Sat 12-Jan-13 11:28:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpicyPear Sat 12-Jan-13 11:29:29

Emma, he's being a knob. For going to get the furniture, only a little bit, but mostly for being so concerned about the TV and toys when you've just mc and are unwell. Ignore and do what is best for you.

Sorry for your loss OP. I hope he is nicer for the rest of the day.

LadyWidmerpool Sat 12-Jan-13 11:29:46

Erm he can't give you instructions as you are not his employee! Get the TV on right away and your feet up. When he gets back you need to have an adult conversation about consideration, priorities and two way communication.

Also he can't 'prescribe red meat', even if he is a doctor (?) he can't be YOUR doctor. You have been through a very difficult physical experience, do you feel he is minimising it?

I'm very sorry for your loss.

SpicyPear Sat 12-Jan-13 11:30:04

Sorry, no idea how that Emma got there!

HoratiaWinwood Sat 12-Jan-13 11:50:31

That would have been creepy if my real name were Emma... Was it an autocorrected "erm"?

Thanks for reassurance. He can be quite blinkered sometimes and I don't think he realised the implications of his little jaunt.

HoratiaWinwood Sat 12-Jan-13 12:00:34

Sorry, DCs are 1 and 4, so not old enough to be left to their own devices.

DC2 is in the bath now, having undone own nappy after poo, thereby caking legs in, um, brown. Baby wipes won't cut it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 12-Jan-13 12:03:06

Horatia - my two are exactly the same age.

There is no way that DH would go out and leave me like that if I had had a mc, especially if he was then going to be away with work. I feel really sad for you, and I'm really sorry for your loss. sad

Nanny0gg Sat 12-Jan-13 12:31:46

And now you've had to bath one of them?
He'd better do some serious grovelling when he gets back. Do you have any family nearby who can help you today?

And as for leaving 'instructions' - under normal circumstances, what you do with your children during the day is up to you, but under these circumstances he can go and fly a bloomin' kite!

No doubt you'll have to do lunch, and no 1 year-old can be left to his own devices even with a tv on. And tomorrow you're definitely on your own - words (almost) fail me!

Toys in the front room, tv on and your feet up as much as possible.

And make the selfish, thoughtless git read this thread!

Nanny0gg Sat 12-Jan-13 12:32:48

Oh, meant to add, sorry for your loss. sad

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged Sat 12-Jan-13 12:39:45

YANBU. I sympathise as this is the kind of thing that DH would do. He's quite blinkered when it comes to chores and once he's decided something needs doing (collecting furniture / skip run / fixing a fence / whatever) then it needs to be done, regardless of how much it screws up our plans. Grrrrr hmm

Do you have popcorn in the house? Or chocolates? Or in fact, any food that toddlers love? I prescribe: PJs, duvet, living room, TV, big cuddles, unhealthy snacks. Sod what he thinks; you just need to get through each day at the moment. When DH gets home, hand him the children and go for a nap / a walk / into town to drink a coffee.

I hope you feel physically better soon. The emotional side will take a bit longer thanks

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged Sat 12-Jan-13 12:41:22

Oh, and have you seen a doctor following the miscarriage? If you are anaemic then they can give you drugs to help you feel better. Take care.

TinyDancingHoofer Sat 12-Jan-13 12:55:01

I mean this in the most sympathetic way- life has to go on. You might be a bit wobbly physically but you sound fit enough to look after your children. Maybe your DH is trying to carry on with normal stuff to stop himself getting upset around you. He hasn't gone to the pub he is getting on with the to-do list. I wouldn't call you unreasonable but i don't think he is being unreasonable either. Peolple cope with loss in different ways.

Sorry for what you are going through, there are some great people n the miscarriage topic if you want to talk to people who have gone through the same thing.

Pozzled Sat 12-Jan-13 12:57:51

Just to agree with everyone else, HIBU. Especially with dictating what you do with the kids. DH and I would never ever give each other 'instructions' like that, but for him to do so when you're not well is atrocious.

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Sat 12-Jan-13 13:14:19

::Braves the bearpit of AIBU::

Didn't you mention to him earlier in the week that you need a quiet and restful weekend?

He This does sound like a complete PITA. Do you really need this piece of furniture? Is there currently a furniture-shaped hole in your family life? It seems bizarre to race off to buy it now, only for it to sit in the garage.

And I agree that, if you're left in sole charge of the children, it's your rules (geddit) that apply, not his.

Hope you do manage to get some rest and that your weekend improves.

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