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DP still isn't home!

(111 Posts)
AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 05:29:51

Okay so I've been with my DP almost 5 years, we've got a 3month old DD

In the past he's had a habit of going out for a drink and not coming home until the next morning, not phoning or picking up his. The first time he did it we argued and I told him it wasn't what I wanted from a relationship, if that's what he wanted to do then that's fine we'll go our seperate ways but he said it wasn't and it wouldn't happen again. A couple of months later the same thing happened we had a massive row and I told him once more and I was done. 2w later we found out I was pregnant, I was on the pill and took it when I was ment to but it failed but our DD is the best thing that's ever happened to us. We had a huge heart to heart and I told him I didn't want to be a single parent and our relationship was great apart from when he didn't come home and I told him that I ment what I said last time and it still stood even when we had the baby and that I didn't want to be a single parent but I would if he did this again.

I'm sure youce guessed where this has lead, well he hasn't come home angry I was ment to grab him and he phoned to say don't bother ill be home in an hour (this was at midnight) , he never came home so at 3 I phoned and he said his list wasn't ready to bring him yet so he'll be back later and still isn't and I haven't bothered phoning again. He'll come back drunk out his head., fall asleep and tomorrow will swear him was home before now and won't understand what my problem is

I've spoke to my friend in RL and she think IBU and him not coming home isn't a big deal and I no a couple of his mates GF just put up with it, so I don't know if I am just being over the top. I'm so angry and ready to tell him to pack his bags but I don't want tho through our relationship away and I don't want to split our family up, he's. great dad and I know it will kill him being apart from us, but I feel like he knows I don't like it but why will he ever stop if he know ill just be pissed off for a day of two

So AIBU or is he? Would I be over reacting by telling him to leave?

mrstowers Wed 16-Jan-13 18:09:13

Good for you OP. You should expect only the best for yourself and your daughter!

hoodoo12345 Wed 16-Jan-13 17:32:07

I really hope this is the kick up the arse your dp needs, good luck op.

Crinkle77 Wed 16-Jan-13 15:34:00

I am sorry but I doubt he will change until he has got the partying out of his system. From what I can gather from your post your baby was a surprise. He is only 26 and maybe did not feel ready to become a father. Some of my boyfriends mates are exactly the same. They love their partners and children but as soon as they are 'let off the leash' they go beserk but would go mad if their girlfriends did it. How they can have the cheek to be so hypocritical is beyond me. I am sure that when he is sober he is sorry and means it when he says it won't happen again but once the demon drink takes hold then all that goes out the window. Perhaps it does not help if his mates don't have kids or will feel embarrassed if the take the mickey out of him for going home.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 16-Jan-13 15:31:34

You are some woman AM. It's really brave and strong what you are doing and I really hope everything works out for you, whatever decision you come to. You are a really great mum. Good luck with everything.

KellyElly Wed 16-Jan-13 15:12:02

Stay strong smile

LorenaCompton Wed 16-Jan-13 13:56:00

Well done. Fingers crossed that this is the shock he needs to wake up and start behaving like a responsible adult. I don't think overall that getting drunk and crashing at someone's house all night is the worst thing that anyone can do by a long mile, but doing it regularly and not telling you what is happening is a shitty thing to do. You deserve more than that, you deserve a father for your DD who is reliable and who you know will be there for you two.

Stay strong and make sure he understands what you want from him in the future, and what behaviours will be unacceptable.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 15-Jan-13 22:21:04

Am Well done, my love, stay strong and stick to those guns, if you decide to give him another chance, then keep him at a distance, make him prove himself and make it loud and clear, if it happens again, then its done for good.

Although i understand if you didnt want too, hes a class A dickhead.

AmIOverReacting Tue 15-Jan-13 21:56:35

Hi, sorry I haven't been back to update I've only just come home today. Me and "D"P are having some time apart. I saw him earlier today so he could see DD, I don't want to be accused of stopping contact, and I got how sorry he is and us all being apart has made him realise how much he's got and what he could and might lose and how he'll change ect ect. I told him I don't know if I believe he'll change and I still want time apart and he can't expect that he can say sorry and then come home and carry on as normal because it won't. Me and DD deserve someone who puts us first and actually wants to be part of a family

Not to sure how things are going to go but I've completely shocked him by doing this

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 14-Jan-13 15:04:55

My ex-H used to do this OP. Note, ex-H. I didn't reproduce with him and thankfully no contraception fail. One of the reasons was because I knew he would never change, not for me, not for a baby.

We broke up a decade ago and I am now happily married with a beautiful DD. I bumped into ex-H last summer at a friends' party. You know what? He hasn't changed. He's even serial dating women with the same name as me, none of whom was at the party.

I wish you well. I hope this is the shock he needs (make sure it is a big, serious shock). I don't think it will be so plan for a split. Good luck.

MTBMummy Mon 14-Jan-13 14:39:24

Hi OP - how are you doing?

hoodoo12345 Mon 14-Jan-13 13:44:09

Did you get things sorted out op?

DozyDuck Sun 13-Jan-13 16:20:48

Hope you're ok op

DoodleAlley Sun 13-Jan-13 16:14:51

How are you doing OP?

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 12-Jan-13 18:54:30

Sorry for the hijack AmIOverReacting (and sorry for your situation, but I think you are doing exactly the right thing), but I just feel that I have to address the post made this morning by weevilswobble.

"Have you ever spoken to older people about why they are still married years and years on? I have a people based business and love talking to people. When I talk to a couple in their 60's or 70's about how they've stayed together its really interesting."
You are talking about the generation of my mother, aunts and all those other 'aunties' (their friends). Not only have I spoken to them but I have observed their lives both as a child and an adult. The "strong will to stay together" rarely had anything to do with love and understanding; it was mostly about financial necessity and social taboos. In their day, women were paid less than men for the same job and could be legally fired upon getting married. There was intense pressure from their parents (you've made your bed now lie on it), the church (much bigger part of life back then) and wider society to not split up. Divorcees were social pariahs. My grandparents' marriages lasted over 50 years apiece. Neither marriage was happy.

I am posting this not to flame you weevilswobble, but out of some concern for your people-based business (I am not being sarcastic here). I think you take what people say at face value, without considering why people say what they say. Damn few of that generation are likely to want to 'wash their dirty linen in public'. They are not going to want to say 'we stayed together because there was no alternative'. I think you need to consider that people lie. It's an important thing to consider, if you make business decisions based on what people say to you.

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 18:25:26

I don't know confused I want to throttle him

BigStickBIWI Sat 12-Jan-13 18:07:14

.... maybe this is the wake-up call he needs to grow up a bit?

Gigondas Sat 12-Jan-13 18:01:14

Biwi is right- a sensible adult would have access to his home/keys and more to the point wouldn't have got himself in situation he is in.
Tough lesson for someone but he doesn't deserve sympathetic

BigStickBIWI Sat 12-Jan-13 17:59:05

Why should you drop them in for him? He's an adult, and should be responsible for his own things!

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 17:57:33

Yeh I'm with a friend

No there's no way he can be in it and doesn't have car keys. Maybe I should have dropped them off somewhere

Gigondas Sat 12-Jan-13 17:45:12

Good for you to be so clear and strong although I imagine it must feel hard. Are you with family /friends?

And also is he in the house (not that it matters)?

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 17:32:36

Thank you ladies, I've just turned my phone on and have quite a few messages, I'm sorry, where are you an come home ect. I've just messaged back saying we fine because I don't want him to think something has happened to DD or me even though the worry might do him good I still need some space and took some things to last a few days. He can't stop apologizing and promising it will never happen again but all I think is, I've heard this before hmm

mumagain38 Sat 12-Jan-13 16:40:05

hi hope ur ok! Sounds like he has a binge problem, that really needs dealing with. My dad was the same. Its the not being able to sleep because u are fuming and imagining all sorts that the worse. My dp has stayed out but it was pre arranged as it was a distance away. He prob does love u and baby to death but its showing a basic lack of respect and will only get worse if u dont stand by ur guns he is a family man now and needs to behave according. Some women dont mind there fellas staying out partying all night where as i would NEVER stand for that, its just not me. I would move out/get him to so u can have a serious think about the life u want for u and baby. Its not responsible behavour for her dad to be on the missing list. If he asks for another chance get him to go counciling for his drinking as that is the real issue here and he has to knock drinking on the head -full stop.

DuchessFanny Sat 12-Jan-13 16:12:02

Hope you're all right OP have been thinking about you today xx

Isityouorme Sat 12-Jan-13 16:11:27

Has he contacted you yet?

sammysaidso Sat 12-Jan-13 15:27:56

Are you ok op?

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