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DP still isn't home!

(111 Posts)
AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 05:29:51

Okay so I've been with my DP almost 5 years, we've got a 3month old DD

In the past he's had a habit of going out for a drink and not coming home until the next morning, not phoning or picking up his. The first time he did it we argued and I told him it wasn't what I wanted from a relationship, if that's what he wanted to do then that's fine we'll go our seperate ways but he said it wasn't and it wouldn't happen again. A couple of months later the same thing happened we had a massive row and I told him once more and I was done. 2w later we found out I was pregnant, I was on the pill and took it when I was ment to but it failed but our DD is the best thing that's ever happened to us. We had a huge heart to heart and I told him I didn't want to be a single parent and our relationship was great apart from when he didn't come home and I told him that I ment what I said last time and it still stood even when we had the baby and that I didn't want to be a single parent but I would if he did this again.

I'm sure youce guessed where this has lead, well he hasn't come home angry I was ment to grab him and he phoned to say don't bother ill be home in an hour (this was at midnight) , he never came home so at 3 I phoned and he said his list wasn't ready to bring him yet so he'll be back later and still isn't and I haven't bothered phoning again. He'll come back drunk out his head., fall asleep and tomorrow will swear him was home before now and won't understand what my problem is

I've spoke to my friend in RL and she think IBU and him not coming home isn't a big deal and I no a couple of his mates GF just put up with it, so I don't know if I am just being over the top. I'm so angry and ready to tell him to pack his bags but I don't want tho through our relationship away and I don't want to split our family up, he's. great dad and I know it will kill him being apart from us, but I feel like he knows I don't like it but why will he ever stop if he know ill just be pissed off for a day of two

So AIBU or is he? Would I be over reacting by telling him to leave?

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 09:19:03

tall I haven't collected him and there's no way he can get in the house.

tallwivglasses Sat 12-Jan-13 09:21:28

Have a good day smile

ohfunnyhoneyface Sat 12-Jan-13 09:24:25

Good for you- I also would consider this a total deal breaker- I'm not much older than you and don't believe he should be excused for being young.

If he wants to let off steam, make decent arrangements and don't let other people worry about you! The inequality would grate on me too. He isn't the man for you.

Bunbaker Sat 12-Jan-13 09:34:57

Personally I find this type of behaviour totally and utterly unacceptable. This would be a deal breaker for me. I don't treat people like this and expect not to be treated like this either.

verytellytubby Sat 12-Jan-13 09:35:26

Stay strong. My DH had a habit of doing similar (not arrested though) and we spilt up over it. We were apart 2 weeks and he was devastated. Anyway, a few years on its stopped.

Blatherskite Sat 12-Jan-13 09:35:48

A nice long, lonely walk home might make him see what he's risking.

I doubt he'll change though sad

Whocansay Sat 12-Jan-13 09:40:39

Switch your phone off and have a lovely day with your kids.

If nothing else, getting arrested may give him the kick up the arse that shows him his behaviour is entirely unacceptable.

And I think your text was perfect. It shows that you mean business. But you must stick to it.

StressDaily Sat 12-Jan-13 09:58:01

Good for you OP. I remember the feeling so well, the gnawing anxiety competing with rage. It's exhausting for you.

Belini - me too, I put up with years of it too, looking back it was just a symptom of his terrible problems with being an arsehole being in a "boring" committed relationship. He wanted the single life combined with having a cook and cleaner and fuckpump at home.

The staying out chip, chip, chipped away at me. Like Belini I started by calling and crying and staying up...and the last time he did it (which was the night before Fathers Day) I went to bed and went to sleep. When I saw his big stupid face looking in the kitchen window at me at 8am I told him to go.

And that was the end of that.

Letsmakecookies Sat 12-Jan-13 10:58:36

I got rid of my xh largely because of this sort of behaviour. Totally unacceptable from a grown up man in a committed relationship with children. It is disrespectful. And not that hard to plan events and give notice and stick to it, but just not turning up back home - regularly - and being pissed as an excuse is pathetic.

Your text was good, but you need to stick firmly with your boundaries now that you have set it. Otherwise nothing will change and it doesn't get easier.

balotelli Sat 12-Jan-13 12:38:35

What a twat!

Leave him to suffer.

He left you to cope with DC and went out getting pissed and arrested! so a large spoonful of his own medicine should give him a good kick up the arse.



Good Luck and stay strong.

laurenamium Sat 12-Jan-13 15:27:33

He sounds like an idiot sad

You've done the right thing OP!

sammysaidso Sat 12-Jan-13 15:27:56

Are you ok op?

Isityouorme Sat 12-Jan-13 16:11:27

Has he contacted you yet?

DuchessFanny Sat 12-Jan-13 16:12:02

Hope you're all right OP have been thinking about you today xx

mumagain38 Sat 12-Jan-13 16:40:05

hi hope ur ok! Sounds like he has a binge problem, that really needs dealing with. My dad was the same. Its the not being able to sleep because u are fuming and imagining all sorts that the worse. My dp has stayed out but it was pre arranged as it was a distance away. He prob does love u and baby to death but its showing a basic lack of respect and will only get worse if u dont stand by ur guns he is a family man now and needs to behave according. Some women dont mind there fellas staying out partying all night where as i would NEVER stand for that, its just not me. I would move out/get him to so u can have a serious think about the life u want for u and baby. Its not responsible behavour for her dad to be on the missing list. If he asks for another chance get him to go counciling for his drinking as that is the real issue here and he has to knock drinking on the head -full stop.

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 17:32:36

Thank you ladies, I've just turned my phone on and have quite a few messages, I'm sorry, where are you an come home ect. I've just messaged back saying we fine because I don't want him to think something has happened to DD or me even though the worry might do him good I still need some space and took some things to last a few days. He can't stop apologizing and promising it will never happen again but all I think is, I've heard this before hmm

Gigondas Sat 12-Jan-13 17:45:12

Good for you to be so clear and strong although I imagine it must feel hard. Are you with family /friends?

And also is he in the house (not that it matters)?

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 17:57:33

Yeh I'm with a friend

No there's no way he can be in it and doesn't have car keys. Maybe I should have dropped them off somewhere

BigStickBIWI Sat 12-Jan-13 17:59:05

Why should you drop them in for him? He's an adult, and should be responsible for his own things!

Gigondas Sat 12-Jan-13 18:01:14

Biwi is right- a sensible adult would have access to his home/keys and more to the point wouldn't have got himself in situation he is in.
Tough lesson for someone but he doesn't deserve sympathetic

BigStickBIWI Sat 12-Jan-13 18:07:14

.... maybe this is the wake-up call he needs to grow up a bit?

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 18:25:26

I don't know confused I want to throttle him

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 12-Jan-13 18:54:30

Sorry for the hijack AmIOverReacting (and sorry for your situation, but I think you are doing exactly the right thing), but I just feel that I have to address the post made this morning by weevilswobble.

"Have you ever spoken to older people about why they are still married years and years on? I have a people based business and love talking to people. When I talk to a couple in their 60's or 70's about how they've stayed together its really interesting."
You are talking about the generation of my mother, aunts and all those other 'aunties' (their friends). Not only have I spoken to them but I have observed their lives both as a child and an adult. The "strong will to stay together" rarely had anything to do with love and understanding; it was mostly about financial necessity and social taboos. In their day, women were paid less than men for the same job and could be legally fired upon getting married. There was intense pressure from their parents (you've made your bed now lie on it), the church (much bigger part of life back then) and wider society to not split up. Divorcees were social pariahs. My grandparents' marriages lasted over 50 years apiece. Neither marriage was happy.

I am posting this not to flame you weevilswobble, but out of some concern for your people-based business (I am not being sarcastic here). I think you take what people say at face value, without considering why people say what they say. Damn few of that generation are likely to want to 'wash their dirty linen in public'. They are not going to want to say 'we stayed together because there was no alternative'. I think you need to consider that people lie. It's an important thing to consider, if you make business decisions based on what people say to you.

DoodleAlley Sun 13-Jan-13 16:14:51

How are you doing OP?

DozyDuck Sun 13-Jan-13 16:20:48

Hope you're ok op

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