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to stop overnight stays with grandparents?

(12 Posts)
LilQueenie Fri 11-Jan-13 23:54:07

Need a bit of advice and opinions please. Im feeling guilty but more due to guilt tripping than having done wrong. Dp and I really wanted a baby. Went through a year of trying then IVF twice before,against all odds as the ivf team said, got our DD now 18m. Years before I had always said I never wanted kids (in my teens) but when i found I may not be able all my mother could say was you didnt want them to get on with it everybody else does. Bear this in mind as I go on, I think it matters.

From day one my mother was wanting to know everything. She bought everything for a second room at her own without telling us. I had problems with this. She had my sister and I cause our dads wanted kids. She never really did although she would love to babysit growing up. she did suffer pnd to be fair and so did I. That doesnt excuse the reasons for getting pregnant however. As I struggled to cope, and at times still do, I would stay overnight at hers with the baby. At about 8 months for the first time I let DD stay over on her own. I felt a bit pressurised but I DID need the break. After a while it became a regular every other week thing. As time went on however I would sit worrying rather than relaxing to the point of being so worked up before the overnight stay began I would be snappy and moody.

My DP can be difficult to get on with and family do tread on eggshells at times but I have to admit he has been right on a few occasions. My mother making comments that baby doesnt want to go to him when she is in which although true 99% of the time is hurtful to him. She sees it as a laugh. She is very clingy. She wants to be part of every event I have with DD be it santa or first trip to beach etc. She had her turn twice with my sis and me. I spent most of my time with my grandparents. I was blamed for all the trouble with my stepdad.

She never visited me in the 5 years I lived away from her. Now she visits whenever she can. Not for me but to see DD. DP thinks its a selfish love she has. In town she took DD out the pram and so on. Problem was to put her back in. DD wouldnt even come to me. I couldnt get her in pram, she kicked and screamed for 20 minutes. Everybody looking and this was AFTER my mum had left us! It the same every time she leaves.

We have certain rules which I feel are taken note off but other things we are not told. Like the firsts. New words, new actions. people DD has been taken to see, places she has been. In a space of around 30 hours she is away we think she is in the grandparents house when in reality she has been at strangers (to us anyway) houses and miles in the opposite direction from where we thought! To be fair it was to a supermarket, but not a location we thought she was. It the fact she is not where we believed her to be really. If anything were to happen.... We dont drive.

They smoke outside yet it still lingers and DD reeks of it. Ive stated my feelings they say they will stop. Now this week DD slept longer and the grandparents came back later to pick her because of it. I get a call saying they were back home and no one answered the door. Ok so no one heard the door. I asked if they would come back down to collect her. No money troubles. but would be down next day to visit as usual. Heres the thing same amount of travel time whether it was today or tomorrow so whats the problem? It has been made out that taking DD is to help me but I KNOW they do it for themselves. If Im out they mysteriously turn up by "chance" and are all over DD. they already see her once a week everyweek!

So I get a message about visiting on weekend to see DD but said we are going on. Why? because I wouldnt take DD to them on the day they called. FB status from them they were bored and wanted to lash out. Now I just think its taken too far. I want to stop overnight stays. But Im feeling guilty. DD loves being there. They love her. My DM is very OTT with DD and it really is nauseating to watch. My partner cringes. Is she being manipulative? I feel my judgment is clouded.

Ilovewaleswhenitrains Sat 12-Jan-13 00:11:05

She is your daughter, don't let your mother push you out of your DD's life.

I was a single parent and my mum had my daughter one weekend per month from the age of 2.5. When my DD was about 3.5 she told me that my mum (her Nan) said she was to call her mum!!!!! My mother denied she had said anything.
You make the rules for your daughter.

LilQueenie Sat 12-Jan-13 00:30:03

I dont think my mum would go that far but I handed her DD's toothbrush one time and she said to my DSD Oh look what we get to do with her. [hmmm]

LilQueenie Sat 12-Jan-13 00:53:04

OMG actually DD goes to me my mum. and she did the same to my mum even in my presence. So what happened? My said shes Im your mum but only when you stay!!! I laughed it off but it bugged me. She really shouldnt encourage her. ARGGH I have one who it seems wants to take over, one who is barely around and compains he never sees DD and the other two. Well one walked right towrds me and DD looked at her and made a sharp turn as soon I said hello completely ignoring me. The other couldnt care less/ Poor DD.

DSM Sat 12-Jan-13 01:01:22

Hmm... I feel that you might be being a little PFB regarding her trips out with your parents. Why does it matter that you don't know her exact whereabouts at every moment? That they took her to the supermarket or to visit friends without informing you?

With regard to your mother wanting to be part of events; just don't tell her you are going somewhere? If you are taking DD to the beach, just go! Why are you telling your mother and then getting annoyed that she wants to accompany you?

I do understand the frustration when 'mother knows best' comes into play - and comments can be hurtful. Just rise above it, put your foot down and respond kindly, but firmly. When she says 'the baby doesn't want to go to you' to your DP, respond with 'ah she loves her daddy' or something to that effect. She will soon shut up.

DSM Sat 12-Jan-13 01:02:49

Oh god no - absolutely never ever should your DD be calling your mother mum. And for your mother to instigate this - that is very wrong. You need to put a stop to that entirely with a very stern word.

LilQueenie Sat 12-Jan-13 01:13:08

DSM If I get a call to ask for a viist and I already have plans I saw no reason not to say I was going to wherever. Its just that on more than a few occasions they have turned up and barged in basically. Should she not have the sense to ask to join in rather than force it upon us. seriously caught them driving along slowly behind us. I started to panic not knowing why this car was following us. I didnt realise at first who it was. I dont know the people she takes DD to see. I get gifts from her labeled aunty and uncle! I haven no idea who these people are.

DSM Sat 12-Jan-13 01:23:27

Well, you could look at it that your DD has loving grandparents who are introducing her to new experiences, and people who obviously care for her if they are buying her gifts. My DS gets gifts from friends of my parents whom I have never met, but he has as he visits them with my parents. I think it's wonderful.

If it's bothering you to this extent, then I would say you would be better just saying 'I have plans' rather than elaborate, then they can't 'follow' you to your destination. Or, explain that you are having a family day, and you'd like it to just be the three of you.

LilQueenie Sat 12-Jan-13 01:27:39

I could see it that way but would I be overlooking evrything else by doing so?

CatsRule Sat 12-Jan-13 09:24:51

You need to take some charge here. Your dd is just that...yours! This does not mean that grandparents can't be involved, love or enjoy her but they need to do it on a back seat to you and your dh. If your mum truly believed she is helping you she would see that.

I think your dh is spot on with it being a selfish love.

We have a similar problem with my dh's parents. They were young parents who chose to have dh practically living with his grandparents as he aparently ruined their lives!! They obviously have regrets and were expecting a second parenthood with my ds...they have been disappointed!

They have proven themselves untrustworthy through their actions and we will not leave ds alone with them nevermind overnight...we don't leave him overnight or much with anyone anyway so it is not just them....simply because we want him.

They couldn't of cared less about us and didn't want to know us until ds was here...that is one of the many reasons we find it difficult to want them to be a part of our joy...which they have in the past year tried to take away from us with their incessant bitching. And don't get me started on the chain smoking!!!

I do understand where you are coming from. People take having children for granted. Our ds was very planned, wanted and long awaited too. The important thing is that you and dh need to step back, agree some rules and support on another and together enforce them. You are the parents...don't have regrets. I think you both need sone time alone with your dd to establish who her parents are and get back on track.

LilQueenie Sat 12-Jan-13 20:16:49

Thanks to everyone who answered. I feel so much calmer today. I realise that my mum has never truly been there for me just my daughter. She even tells us so that she doesnt come to visit us just our DD. Said in a jokey way but either way we just know. Now comes the hard part of telling her. Im avoiding her at the moment but next week will be when the shit hits the fan probably judging by her reactions so far.

CatsRule Sat 12-Jan-13 22:15:55

My inlaws have, and not in a jokey way, made it clear that they only want to see our ds!

I feel for you. Good luck. You and you dh need to stick together. This is your family now.

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