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To not want to have any more sex with my DP because of his beer belly?

(143 Posts)
nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 17:49:43

Basically, it's his choice if he wants to drink beer and have a big belly because of it. I still love him and he is still my best friend. I love him, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy him unconditionally.

Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take his belly into account all the time?

Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about him and make jokes about him - I do still love him very much, I just don't enjoy sex now his belly is big. sad

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 18:53:42

Glad you found someone lovely manic smile

scoutliam Fri 11-Jan-13 18:53:54

What's the op's choice? Have sex when she doesn't want to or a celibate marriage. It's not fair, but that's life isn't it.

YANBU op. Hobson's choice, wish I had a magic answer but hope you work it out.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:54:20

sashasashays I really don't want it to be the end of our relationship. so much of it is really good. he makes me laugh so much and i know that he loves me a great deal. that's probably why i haven't ever actually said NO MORE. I honestly don't know if it would spur him on. when he came home with the peanuts and beer it was like a big slap in the face like he was saying i really couldn't give a fuck about you or how you feel.

dontmindifido unfortunately whhen he had his blood pressure taken recently they said he had the blood pressure of an athlete and he has had other checks which have shown him to have a good strong heart so he tends to think that all the bad stuff diesn't apply to him.

thanks for sticking your neck out Bunfagfredddie nice to have someone understand how i feel.

notMarlene Fri 11-Jan-13 18:55:14

FFS people - a belly the size of a 3rd trimester pregnancy is bound to make sex difficult! I know mine did, but being female there were several ways around it.

It sounds to me like the OP and her DH do both want more and better sex. Unfortunately his shape forms a real and practical barrier to this happening.

She shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to.
He shouldn't have to lose weight if he doesn't want to.

It sounds as if the OP has done her damnedest to discuss their sex life in an open, honest and adult way. What should she do? Lie?

deleted203 Fri 11-Jan-13 18:55:56

Oh, God. I sort of see where you are coming from and sympathise slightly. It doesn't make you unreasonable - but maybe a little shallow. Lovemaking should surely be about expressing your love for someone, otherwise we'd none of us be monogamous, we'd just be having hot, lusty sex with whatever horny looking passing stranger who offered it. It's a bit of a teenage attitude IMO to judge solely on looks.

Personally I'm just pleased that my DH still finds me sexy after all these years and wants to make love to me - despite my stretch marks, saggy boobs and the odd grey hair and wrinkle. I'd be very sad if he didn't want sex simply because I don't look like I did in my 20s. (And after 5 kids, I definitely don't). I think it is tellling that your DH still fancied you with your extra 2 stone and yet now that you have lost it you think he should shift weight too. You say you are not allowed to look at him because he is embarassed - but that is probably because you have made it clear to him that you find his body a turn off. Apparently you have been telling him for years that you struggle to feel sexy about him. The two of you seem to be locked in a cycle where you criticise his appearance and nag him to lose weight and he closes his ears and stubbornly refuses to be nagged by you into doing so. I think you need to focus on getting back the love you say you feel unconditionally.

newgirl Fri 11-Jan-13 18:58:10

I think you are very reasonable - he is taking your love for granted.

I wonder if he was dating again he'd suddenly be trim again but he doesn't feel he needs to. It happens all the time.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 11-Jan-13 18:58:18

But it isn't about looks. It's about attitude to himself and his wife as well.

mimmytoz Fri 11-Jan-13 18:58:54

when I met my DP 12 years ago he wasnt big at all probley a mens medium. fast forward to today and he now wears 4xl. I couldnt love him more his size is never an issue sexually NEVER!!!

I think your blowing it all out of proportion

SashaSashays Fri 11-Jan-13 19:03:50

I don't think you're being a bitch but that might be how he acts after the ultimatum.

I think you should tread carefully, can you just stop having sex with him and see how that goes.

Issuing him with the ultimatum might open up the whole issue of where your relationship is going if you start talking about feeling you can't have sex with him anymore and the way him not caring enough to change makes you feel.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 19:04:12

it has everything to do with it. We can only make love with me on top, i am not allowed to look at him naked because A) he is embarrassed and B) it definitely wouldn't help get me into the mood

How is it reasonable that anybody has to make love under these circumstances

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 19:05:33

sowornout In answer to your post.... I cannot express my love for him - i have to have sex in the same position, without wandering off the routine for fear of encountering the belly. I lost the 2 stone recently - his belly has been growing and getting in the way for over 7 years. Of course i understand that neither of us is gonna look like the people who met all those years ago. i've had children - my body has changed too. if there was something about me that he struggled with i like to think I'd listen and make an attempt for him.

a female friend of mine used to over indulge and she developed quite a big belly, she asked her husband if he still found her attractive and he said yes but i'd rather you didn't get any bigger, she continued to out on weight and asked again if he found her attractive - again he said well erm.. yes but i'd rather you didn't get any bigger. she continued to over eat.... eg. she obviously didn't care that much whether he bloody fancies her or not.

ComposHat Fri 11-Jan-13 19:07:24

beer belly is a bit of a misnomer. men tend to put weight on in the belly area and a beer belly isn't usually the sole or ever the main cause of a gut in middle aged men.

ImperialBlether Fri 11-Jan-13 19:10:40

Get him to do a low carb diet and (if he won't give up the drink) drink vodka and diet tonic/coke and have unadulterated almonds instead of peanuts.

notMarlene Fri 11-Jan-13 19:13:23

MEh, I don't think it's unfair to distinguish between a beer belly and a more uniform weight distribution. this is a beer belly. Compact, round and firmish.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 19:17:20

newgirl i suspect he would bother for a new person (or new girl lol). he has said before that he thinks that women who say they don't want sex with their husbands are being unfair and the the husband is then left with no choice unless they want to be unfaithful. i suspect if i told him tio go get it elsewhere he would struggle to find someone who wanted sex with him.

just to clarify - i do look at his face, arms and chest i just never venture lower. i don't really know what would happen if i tried to look at his belly or lower during sex hmm

I suspect that if i had been fine with his belly all along then we would be having a better sex life - it's not all him - it is also down to my dislike of his belly that the whole routine has evolved.

mimmytoz god, i wish i could feel like you do. my life would be so much easier - don't you struggle to find the belly appealing???

maybe i am just a shallow hearless bitch sad

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 19:20:39

marlene OMG fortunately that isn't what I'm talking about here. BUT it is solid like that as opposed to a more general spare tyre.

I have suggested that he drink wine or shorts if he feels he really needs a drink but before i know it the beer cans are piling up in the recycle again.

soulresolution Fri 11-Jan-13 19:21:29

YANBU but I think you're underestimating the difficulty for him (and for your friend who kept getting bigger) in breaking the eating and drinking habits. He clearly knows that the belly is unpleasant - he hates it so much that he doesn't want you to see or touch or refer to it.

The fact that he won't deal with it doesn't mean he doesn't care what you think but again like your friend eating has become a salve for self-disgust/depression and the worse he feels the more he'll eat/drink.

BunFagFreddie Fri 11-Jan-13 19:22:30

nevermindthebuzzcocks, without wanting to sound like a couples therapist on a cheesy American chat show... Do you think that your lack of attraction goes deeper than the beer belly?

Tell me if I'm getting this wrong, but it sounds like you see his innaction as a sign that the you and the relationship are not worth his time and effort. It's not like you're asking him for anything unreasonable. You would like him to make an effort to keep the physical side of the relationship alive. You shouldn't sleep with someone you don't find attractive, that's not very nice for you in all honesty. Sexless marriages only works when both parties are happy being that way. His health is also at stake and that must be worrying for both of you. He isn't respecting himself, you or the relationship.

I don't know the answer, you love him and that makes it very difficult. It's a very sensitive situation.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 19:32:29

funbagfreddie and soulresolution thank you. You have both hit the nail on the head.

I think, if i'm honest, i feel hurt that he doesn't care how his belly effects me. and i'm thoroughly pissed off with the amount of beer that gets bought and drunk in this house - by him. as you say soul maybe i'm under-estimating how hard it is for him to make those changes.

I suspect i will do nothing more than have another talk with him about his health, dropping in huge hints about our sex life and he will do nothing and we will still be here next year sad

mimmytoz Fri 11-Jan-13 19:38:18

it doesnt bother me tbh. I love him, he is very inventive in the bedroom department and it never had effected us.

mimmytoz Fri 11-Jan-13 19:39:24

but everyone has different ways of handling things

HearMyRoar Fri 11-Jan-13 19:45:47

You say he has suffered depression and drinks for all the wrong reasons so I would suspect that this is playing a large part in his inability to work on stopping the drinking and lose weight. When I suffered depression some years ago I put on a lot of weight, it was not helped at all by my partner at the time informing me all the time that I was getting fat and unattractive. thankfully he left me and I found someone kind and understanding who help me through the depression. I have now lost the weight.

If you know there are psychological issues behind his drinking and weight problems you telling him how ugly you find him really is not going to help. In fact I would go as far as saying that you are only making it worse.

MajesticWhine Fri 11-Jan-13 19:46:54

does he drink every day? Are we talking about an alcohol dependency here? How many units / week?

soulresolution Fri 11-Jan-13 19:50:19

Being stuck like is such a sad feeling nevermind and likely to lead to you feeling less and less love towards him. I hope this doesn't sound trite but is there any physical activity you could both get involved in? He's been pronounced healthy so he should be able to cope with it. Maybe biking would be good as it won't make him look conspicuous like running would?

I have spent years struggling with my weight and overeating because I was miserable about my weight and the whole vicious cycle. I have finally lost the weight by using intermittent fasting - I don't know if your dh would go for it but the good part is that apart from the one/two days fasting a week you can eat and drink as usual so you're not being cut off from the comfort it gives you.

Dozer Fri 11-Jan-13 19:53:21

How much beer, does he have an alcohol problem, or is it 3-4 units a night kind of thing?

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