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to be upset that friends don't take DS into consideration?

(194 Posts)
DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 12:10:14

first time posting on MN, but I needed to rant to someone! I have a group of 5 or so friends, all without children. They've arranged a girlie get together(which is nice, but only arranged by said friend as she's been on fantastic holiday and wants to brag, sorry, share, her stories ((Not bitter really!))).

The brunch is planned for a weekend at a rather posh and stuck up restaurant which is NOT child friendly! Last time they made me leave my buggy on the street as they didn't want it inside the premises (there was room inside).

My DH works on weekends (they know this) and I don't have anyone to leave DS with, so if I want to go I need to bring my DS. Sitting at a posh restaurant on a sunday afternoon for a couple of hours with my 2.5 yr old DS is not my idea of a fun time, and thats if he even sits still, doesn't have a tantrum and doesn't throw food for 10 mins! I wouldn't mind so much but this is the millionth time I've tried to explain what it's like to have a 2.5 year old!!

At the end of my rope with said group of friends, and ready to have a tantrum of my own. Advice needed from wise MN on dealing with it and still maintaining friendships whilst getting my point across to them!

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 10:21:37

So you think that childless people would find nothing of interest on MN...

Yet you think that your friends should arrange their social lives so as to include your toddler?

I'm confused. confused

Hullygully Fri 11-Jan-13 10:22:39

I never talk about kids on MN, or very rarely

Much more interesting stuff to talk about.

plantsitter Fri 11-Jan-13 10:31:07

There is just no explaining to people who don't have kids - they don't understand. I didn't myself, and cringe when I think of the way I behaved towards my sister and others who had kids when I didn't. It's not as easy as 'getting a babysitter'. Perhaps when your 2.5 yr old is asleep in the evening it is, but at lunch time? Err... nope.

Just don't go, arrange something at another time at your house or something, and when they have toddlers and your kid is a civilisedish 5 yr old, ask them if they'll meet you just after lunch for a walk down a canal towpath (or something equally as impossible to manage with a toddler).

Lafaminute Fri 11-Jan-13 10:31:45

Don't bring him whatever you do. Get a babysitter or don't go and don't be angry. Someday they may have their own toddlers and will fully appreciate the difficulties of accommodating a toddler but for now they don't have to make that effort - and why should they: you're one of 6. Enjoy it if you go - don't hold it against them if you don't.

shesariver Fri 11-Jan-13 10:41:00

hollaatmebabyif you're not interested in kids then why are you on mumsnet at this time instead of enjoying your fabulous single,child free life? hmmm

Did you mean this to sound so rude?

Why do some women when they become mums expect others to be so interested in their chidlren just because they are friends? The only children Im really interested in are my own and I couldnt abide listening to other Mums prattling on about how many words wee kidy can say now or how many poos they have don in their potty. Friendships change when someone is a parent and someone else isnt, doesnt mean they cant be friends at all of course, just a different type of friendship.

Yakshemash Fri 11-Jan-13 12:48:10

Loving this patronising assumption that childless people don't 'get it'. Of course we get it. That's why we don't have kids.

Bring on the starched napkins, I say.

OP, this is not a 'mums only' sanctuary. Your friends (yes, the ones you don't seem to like very much) might be on this thread...

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 12:57:02

Of course we get it. That's why we don't have kids.

<snurk> grin

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 12:58:44

If you are the first of your friends to have children then they probably remember being looked after by the 14 year old who lived next door and so assume that getting a babysitter is not actually that hard.

Fecklessdizzy Fri 11-Jan-13 13:08:39

Anyway OP, I thought you wanted the child-free persons viewpoint on sprogs at adult get-togethers?

What you're reading is probably what your mates are thinking but are too nice to say out loud because they like you and value your company!

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 13:35:06

I would hazard a guess that they think that you coming to brunch will make the brunch better (because they are your friends and they like you) but that you plus 2 1/2 yr old coming to brunch will make the brunch worse (because toddlers do not enhance every social situation).

So they've chosen a venue where the option is for you to come alone or not at all.

Either that or they just picked a place that they thought they would enjoy and you would enjoy, and not given it any more thought.

DharmaBums Fri 11-Jan-13 14:00:35

thanks everyone for your advice! have very politely declined brunch, due to lack of babysitters and arranged another evening date in February at an equally nice restaurant without ds.
btw apologies for offending anyone-didn't mean to be rude. just realising that you come across differently when not face to face! was just trying to defend others who'd written to be supportive and then got flamed. best wishes to all I'm off now!

plantsitter Fri 11-Jan-13 15:27:42

You weren't rude!

If you're childless and you really do get it, then can you understand that always issuing invitations people with kids can't attend makes it seem like either you don't actually want to meet up with us any more, or that in fact you don't get it? If the former, it would make things a lot easier if you lot would say 'sorry, it's not you, it's me. Or actually it's your kids'.

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 15:40:10

Where does it say that they are always issuing invitations that she can't attend?

Absolutely not ignoring the babysitting suggestions. My normal one is not available and neither is back-up one unfortunately.

This suggests that she does sometimes have babysitters available, so why wouldn't her friends assume that she could get a babysitter for this?

plantsitter Fri 11-Jan-13 15:46:19

Assumed (p'raps wrongly) when she said ''I wouldn't mind so much but this is the millionth time I've tried to explain what it's like to have a 2.5 year old!'' they were always issuing invitations that were difficult for her.

I wasn't really sagging childless people off - just trying to say they are maybe not being horrible but thoughtless.

Proudnscary Fri 11-Jan-13 15:52:08

Totally agree with Scuttle and the rest of the 'boo! down with children' gang wink

Seriously I have two kids but have always understood that only I, my dh and my mother think the sun shines out of their arses and that everyone else thinks they're perfectly sweet but as boring as fuck after five minutes.

These women want to have a chat, a catch up and a laugh and they don't want kids around. I wouldn't either before or since I had mine.

Crinkle77 Fri 11-Jan-13 16:02:31

If that is the most convenient time for the majority it would be unfair of you to expect them to change the date. However if that were the case then they could atleast try and find a compromise on the venue

BonaDea Fri 11-Jan-13 16:05:54

I'm a bit torn on this.

On the one hand, I figure why should they sit in a 'family friendly' place with other people's screaming brats flinging food around when they themselves don't have kids and just want to go out for a nice civilised lunch.

On the other hand, they do seem to be making it nigh-on impossible for you to go along and enjoy it, which seems harsh.

It sounds like you and this lot are just at very different stages in life and so perhaps are going to inevitably drift apart a little bit. It is probably no one's fault, but just the way it is...

Proudnscary Fri 11-Jan-13 16:07:50

Bona - maybe they are making a point? Purposely arranging it in non-child friendly places because they don't want the little boy to come? It's poss to love your friends and their children but not want to spend time with the kids. Time is precious for childless people too!

amicissimma Fri 11-Jan-13 16:56:21

Can I warn you that this happens at the 'other end', too.

When the majority have DCs old enough to leave alone, and there's one who still needs childcare, the first lot start losing interest in arranging times and places to suit people who can't leave their DC. It's just life's phases. Nothing personal.

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