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to be upset that friends don't take DS into consideration?

(194 Posts)
DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 12:10:14

first time posting on MN, but I needed to rant to someone! I have a group of 5 or so friends, all without children. They've arranged a girlie get together(which is nice, but only arranged by said friend as she's been on fantastic holiday and wants to brag, sorry, share, her stories ((Not bitter really!))).

The brunch is planned for a weekend at a rather posh and stuck up restaurant which is NOT child friendly! Last time they made me leave my buggy on the street as they didn't want it inside the premises (there was room inside).

My DH works on weekends (they know this) and I don't have anyone to leave DS with, so if I want to go I need to bring my DS. Sitting at a posh restaurant on a sunday afternoon for a couple of hours with my 2.5 yr old DS is not my idea of a fun time, and thats if he even sits still, doesn't have a tantrum and doesn't throw food for 10 mins! I wouldn't mind so much but this is the millionth time I've tried to explain what it's like to have a 2.5 year old!!

At the end of my rope with said group of friends, and ready to have a tantrum of my own. Advice needed from wise MN on dealing with it and still maintaining friendships whilst getting my point across to them!

Permisson Thu 10-Jan-13 12:29:23

Ah, x post, great minds think alike smile

iseenodust Thu 10-Jan-13 12:29:30

If it was an evening would you stretch to a babysitter? If so, get one for the afternoon and enjoy yourself.

Greythorne Thu 10-Jan-13 12:30:05

She said "wear your toddler out" ie make sure he has been to the oark and run round so he is physicalky tired, not "wear your toddler [in a sling]"!!!

mrsjay Thu 10-Jan-13 12:30:07

when dd was a baby toddler I had loads of childless friends I had her quite young and they would rather stick pins in their eyes than go to any child friendly place It is sad but we all sort of fell away from each other, friendships move on sometimes

maddening Thu 10-Jan-13 12:30:49

Next time you do thw arranging and arrange a baby friendly place.

ethelb Thu 10-Jan-13 12:31:38

you need to arrange something.

can you get them round to your house for saturday or sunday lunch/dinner?

And see if you can arrange a babysitter for this weekend.

Seeing as you now have greater needs than them I think you need to direct your friend a bit.

Pandemoniaa Thu 10-Jan-13 12:32:25

There are 5 of them and clearly the arrangement suits them and actually, I don't think you'd have a particularly good time if you had to take your child with you. So it looks as if you have two options. Decline, with regret, because you don't have childcare or get a babysitter.

Sadly, it is often a fact of life that until everyone else in your social circle has friends, there will be impractical arrangements made. It's not helpful and it can make you very cross but actually, just because one of you has a child doesn't mean everyone else has to change their plans or be judged as unreasonable because they don't.

maddening Thu 10-Jan-13 12:33:25

Or suggest them coming for lunch one day - take ds to soft play in the morning and he might nap while your friends are there - more relaxed and cheaper all round ( even childless folk like to save cash ) you could make a fab afternoon tea and ask friends to bring some little cakes.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Thu 10-Jan-13 12:34:57

If you do take him, the ipad is your friend- download a load of Peppa and you wont hear a peep out of him for my friends tell me.

DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 12:35:50

Betty_ it is an invitation which is including DS as they've asked what timing fits his schedule/ And of course I wouldn't expect them to arrange a lunch at soft play! Dur!

Thanks the rest of you! Possibly being sensitive but this is the hundredth time I'm dealing with related issues towards having/not having kids!

CheeseandPickledOnion Thu 10-Jan-13 12:38:20

Sorry UABU. There are 5 childfree women who want to spend a nice afternoon in a posh place. 5 over 1. Presuming they work all week, they are probably looking forward to their weekend, and probably don't want a squirmy, shouty child there, hence their decision not to move it just for you.

I think you need to accept that they don't want to all have to change their plans to suit you, and that perhaps it would do you good to find childcare and go alone.

SamSmalaidh Thu 10-Jan-13 12:38:30

What kind of child friendly place would be your choice Dharma?

CheeseandPickledOnion Thu 10-Jan-13 12:41:37


So they asked what suited his schedule? Ok, then they obviously don't understand the problem you have with taking DS to that particular place.

Were you clear with them about that?

maddening Thu 10-Jan-13 12:41:43

Here here with the ipad - I have ben nd holly on my phone for such occasions - ds is v good in restaurants - I take him out all the time otherwise I'd never see anyone and everyone says how well behaved he is - but if I see the slightest bit of ds getting bored I have toys and tv to distract him - he stays calm and it doesn't escalate - once you've lost it it's too late imo.

RunnerHasbeen Thu 10-Jan-13 12:42:10

Have you tried asking one of your friends with children if they can watch him. If I had a friend who was giving up their social life because they were too worried about asking me to watch their child, I'd be a bit sad about it and would bend over backwards to help. 2.5 years is a long time to be giving up lunch dates with friends and working everything around a child, surely there is someone he would rather be playing with than coming to the lunch with you.

Honestly, ask someone, IME most other mums would be happy to look after him and you can always return the favour another time. The worst that can happen is they say no and you have to ask someone else.

Betty_ it is an invitation which is including DS as they've asked what timing fits his schedule/ And of course I wouldn't expect them to arrange a lunch at soft play! Dur! ..........OP, that comment was made tongue in cheek!! Dur!

But yes 80% of your group are childfree - either get a babysitter or don't go.

ShatnersBassoon Thu 10-Jan-13 12:43:29

"it is an invitation which is including DS as they've asked what timing fits his schedule"

So they are taking your son into consideration. I don't think you can expect them to work out a venue that suits you more than all of the others. They've tried to make the plan work for you, so I don't think you can be upset with them.

RunnerHasbeen Thu 10-Jan-13 12:44:18

Or you have to get in there first and take the driving seat when making plans to see them. You can't take offence or complain about the "100th time" if you are not saying where you would like to go or making any effort to arrange to see them.

Betty_ it is an invitation which is including DS as they've asked what timing fits his schedule/ And of course I wouldn't expect them to arrange a lunch at soft play! Dur

And thinking about it nowhere in your OP did you say that so don't be so bloody rude. God, if you are are moody as you sound then no wonder they are not making it that easy for you to attend.

MadBusLady Thu 10-Jan-13 12:47:15

Looking on the bright side, if the invitation includes DS that's a nice sign, isn't it? They obviously don't have a problem with him being there, and they obviously don't see you any differently to how they used to. The flipside is they won't have made the connection between you letting off steam about parenting and the lack of buggy storage space at their preferred venues, unless you spell it out.

Would it be possible to get there and back by taxi, ie so he only has to toddle into the taxi and then into chair/highchair at restaurant? At least then the buggy wouldn't be a problem.

DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 12:47:28

SamSmalaidh - anything would be preferable to a place that is very, very, stuck up white napkins, cut glass, extensive wine get the picture.Nice food tho!

Sugarice Thu 10-Jan-13 12:47:56

Dharma don't get stressy if the points given aren't what you want to hear.

Dur!! hmm

lynniep Thu 10-Jan-13 12:50:51

I think you have to accept they arent willing to change their 'requirements' for you, and tbh I don't really see why they should, since you are quite outnumbered as a parent. Its a shame, but it happens. You need to find childcare, or not go.

LunaticFringe Thu 10-Jan-13 12:53:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch Thu 10-Jan-13 12:53:39

I think you should decline this invitation if you can't get a babysitter; explain to them again (if you can be bothered) that it's not an appropriate setting for your 2.5yo; and if you want to continue being friends with them all, perhaps find a place that would work for you AND them next time, and suggest that you, as a group, alternate child-friendly and nonchild-friendly venues, so you don't miss out on every get-together.

You honestly can't expect people who don't have much/any experience of children to completely "get" why taking a 2.5yo to a posh restaurant can be a trial, no matter how often you explain it. And you really don't want them to find out the hard way.

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