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AIBU to not take dd's homework to school

(65 Posts)
ClaraBean Thu 10-Jan-13 09:33:16

She will probably get a detention sad
She is in year 7 and I am so sick of her forgetting stuff all the time. It is not the first time I have had a phone call asking me to take homework to school.
She is forgetting to hand in important reply slips, we had to miss her winter performance because she forgot to get us tickets for two weeks. So we had to drop her off and stand outside waiting for her.
I have her a choice of coming home to collect it (and being late for school) or telling her teacher she will bring it in tomorrow (and probably getting a detention).
She is a really great girl, and excels at school, does lots of academic after school clubs, I just need her to take a bit of responsiblity for her stuff and her her homework.
So was IBU? I probably was wasn't I sad

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 10:22:07

I'd take it in.

I was a very late bloomer in terms of being organised and remembering things. My parents went in for the "tough love" approach. I got stressed, found it even harder to manage to keep all the balls in the air. I'm much better now, at nearly 45.

I work with DS. Let him "organise" then double check. He is better than I was at his age, but at 11 he still has a way to go in terms of being a bit distracted and recognising that the speed of storing things in your head isn't always worth the minutes lost in writng things down so they don't "fall out of head" when something more interesting from a kid's perspective comes along.

I think it was the need as a mother to stay on top of things when he first started kindergarten that gave me the final sprinkle of motivation to get organised to "normal person" degree. Still find it hard work, but at least I do do it now.

lovelyladuree Thu 10-Jan-13 10:25:31

She is 12 years old at the most. Putting them in a blazer doesn't magically give them organisational skills and an adult brain you know. FFS cut these kids some slack.

5madthings Thu 10-Jan-13 10:31:16

Yanbu she neefs to start taking redponsibility for these things. You say you have taken her homework in previously so all that does is reinforce the idea that she doesnt have to be irganised as mum will save the day.

Let her get the detention then sit down with her and work out a plan to help her get more organised.

ll31 Thu 10-Jan-13 10:32:09

Yeah but also they're 12 you know , and doing the organising for them doesnlt help them learn. ..

exexpat Thu 10-Jan-13 10:32:35

I took a 3-strikes approach with DS in year 7 - he wasn't the most organised of boys, and was starting to take advantage of school being not far from home + mobile phones not being banned to phone and ask me to bring in forgotten PE kit, homework etc.

I gave him a warning, and said that I would do it twice, but the next time he was on his own and would have to deal with the consequences. He's been fine since - occasional forgotten PE kit, but no major disasters.

5madthings Thu 10-Jan-13 10:33:18

And no putting them in a blazer doesnt magically give them organisational skills. They are something you help them develop starting with when they are at primary so that when they get to high school its not so much of a shock to the system.

mrsjay Thu 10-Jan-13 10:36:36

she is 12 not 2 she has to go to school she needs her stuff she needs to organise herself for school of course she isn't an adult but when do you stop doing everything for them at what age is it ok for them to learn to sort themselves, when they leave school when it is too late , bringing up children to be organised adults takes years it doesn't happen over night there is no magical age when it all clicks they have to be taught ime.

Bogeyface Thu 10-Jan-13 10:37:43

The reason the DD never forgets her homework etc is because after I took stuff in for her twice I said that I wasnt doing it again. And I didnt.

One detention later and she makes sure she has her stuff!

Yes they are kids but if they are constantly picked up after then they will never grow up.

ClaraBean Thu 10-Jan-13 10:44:04

Well, I have done it twice and this is the third time, so I think she has had her chances.
I think over the weekend we will sort her desk out together and make sure her timetable is on display somewhere obvious (maybe on the front door!) instead of in her diary.
I am dreading ds starting secondary school! Dd is very sensible, and is struggling. Ds is a scatty little chap. I had better start getting him used tobeing organised now!

olgaga Thu 10-Jan-13 10:44:25

and doing the organising for them doesnlt help them learn. ..

I don't think anyone's saying "do it for them", but you do have to work on their routine and organisation with them.

Hullygully Thu 10-Jan-13 10:45:10

yy olgaga

then it becomes habitual

mrsjay Thu 10-Jan-13 10:46:03

I don't think anyone's saying "do it for them", but you do have to work on their routine and organisation with them.

of course but sometimes they do need to learn for themselves

Mrsrudolphduvall Thu 10-Jan-13 10:47:18

I wouldn't take it in. fair enough the first time, but not after that.

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 10:58:27

and doing the organising for them doesnlt help them learn. ..

But the transition from mum organising EVERYTHING (like when they start kinder) to child organising everything/most things isn't a magic point in time. It is a process of mum letting go of some bits and child picking up the responisbility. And that process isn't smooth and one way. At certain periods the kid will backtrack a bit, sometimes mum hands over a bit too much, a bit too quick and needs to do some backtracking of her own.

Plus the process is more than just hand over, you have to teach the "how tos".

I'm not saying go all steroytypical mediteranian on your kid and micromange every element of their stuff until they reach managerial level. But a bit less

Rigidity with the independance at any cost thing
Wanting it bang on time at a certain point
Disregarding of an individual's strengths and weaknesses

..... possibly wouldn't go amiss with the kids who are finding it harder to get to grips with all the stuff they have to do, organise and think ahead with.

Pandemoniaa Thu 10-Jan-13 11:01:19

Well, I have done it twice and this is the third time, so I think she has had her chances.

Agree. Also, you say she is quite capable of being organised about the subjects/activities she likes so it looks like she's quite happy to take rather a selective approach to taking responsibility for homework getting into school.

It really won't hurt for her to realise that you don't exist as some sort of personal servant and one detention is hardly going to ruin her school career.

Whatever you do, don't end up like a friend of mine who has been so keen to ensure her son is organised for school that she does all the running around after him. Regardless of how inconvenient to her. At 15 he has completely absolved himself of all responsibility and if he gets a detention for not taking homework/PE kit/cooking ingredients or whatever into school, happily tells his mother that she is to blame because "I can't be expected to sort this myself".

FryOneFatManic Thu 10-Jan-13 11:06:55

I started with the organisation training when DD was in Primary. It got her used to checking her bag, seeing she had her stuff. Gentle repetition of "is your uniform ready for tomorrow?" "What do you need for school, is your bag ready?" "Any homework to take in?" I don't need to do anything to remind her now, she's 12.5 in Yr 8.

DS is in Yr4 and I started these things ages ago. I also get them to organise after school stuff, while overseeing things to ensure it's all done. I feel getting the DCs into these habits of checking at an early enough age will be beneficial in the long run.

I see helping the DCs to be able to organise themselves as a necessary step towards independence when older. I could quite easily run around after them, but I would not then be doing them any favours.

nokidshere Thu 10-Jan-13 11:11:10

I "helped" my son through yr7, reminded him in yr8 and now in yr9 he is totally organised and able to remember the things he needs to. I am currently doing the same for my yr7 son although he is already far more organised than his brother was at the same age.

The transition for primary to secondary is huge and I don't see any problem with helping out your child for that year, gradually transferring responsibility onto them.

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 11:16:01

I started with the organisation training when DD was in Primary. It got her used to checking her bag, seeing she had her stuff. Gentle repetition of "is your uniform ready for tomorrow?" "What do you need for school, is your bag ready?" "Any homework to take in?" I don't need to do anything to remind her now, she's 12.5 in Yr 8.

I did the same. Our children are similar ages, and while I never have to run anything in, (well I wouldn't even if homework were still physically handed in rather than uploaded to the school/teacher) I do still have to prod sometimes to make sure he is running the routine as perscribed to avoid a few last minute "OMG I forgot"s. The nearer it is to Yu Gi Oh tornament or other distraction the more likely the need for a poke. And he still needs my help to insert new elements into the "keeping on top of it all" routine if a new activity or similar gets added on. He comes up with a way to insert the new thing into his checks and routine, I tweak and talk over the whys of the tweak if needed, and then poke regularly for a while till it becomes habit.

I guess over time his abiltity to think of a good way to insert new stuff off the bat will improve til he doesn't need me at all, cos each time he does it his "cunning plan" tends to better than the previous time.

Sparklingbrook Thu 10-Jan-13 11:21:12

DS is in Year 9 at a school 12 miles away. He texted me from the bus to ask me to Pleeeeease bring his Science book in. I did it because I could, and charged him petrol money.

noblegiraffe Thu 10-Jan-13 11:30:15

Helping your child out should mean going though their timetable, showing them how to get into a routine, teaching them how to pack their bag and maybe asking if they've packed their bag before they go to bed. It should not mean being on call all day just in case despite your best efforts they've forgotten something.
It's not a great impression to give your kids either, that mum (and it's never dad) has nothing better to do than sit at home all day waiting for a message to bring something in.
I've had kids forget their homework and when I've queried it pulled out their phone and say 'oh, I'll get my mum to bring it in by lunchtime'. I act suitably outraged and lecture them on how their poor mother no doubt has better things to do and under no circumstances are they to be dragged into school. The homework is marked as late, the kid accepts the consequences and also gets a lecture about packing their bag the night before.
I once had a parent scan in some missing homework and email it to me. I didn't accept that either.

I've noticed that kids seem to be worse at handing homework in, bringing the right books, having the right equipment these days than when I started teaching. They'll annouce that they don't have a pen, then look expectantly at me like it's my problem to sort. My current Y7 in particular (both pre and post setting) are awful. Independence needs to be worked on before they get to secondary.

Hullygully Thu 10-Jan-13 11:32:17

<scared of giraffe>

Sparklingbrook Thu 10-Jan-13 11:33:11

<hides behind Hully>

Hullygully Thu 10-Jan-13 11:34:02

What I think is that everyone is different.

No matter your desires, rules and expectations, some will be better at organising themselves than others just as some are better at sport or maths or drawing or abstract thinking.

It's unrealistic to have a blanket approach (I know you have to as a teacher, but that is different from a parent)

akaemmafrost Thu 10-Jan-13 11:34:40


But I would take it it because I am a softy.

Sparklingbrook Thu 10-Jan-13 11:35:27

DS left his Science book upstairs on his bed accidentally, because he had spent all evening revising, so I felt sorry for him.

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