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to be feeling this way?

(52 Posts)
kaylasmum Wed 09-Jan-13 14:29:47

I have 5 dcs, my eldest 28yo dd and 26yo dd have a different father from the others. We met when i was 17 and he was 18. He was in this country studying to be a pilot. He was sponsored by the government and I always knew he'd have to go home one day.

We were together 4 years. The day he left was awful, we loved each other so much. We kept in touch for a few years but we both knew he would never be coming back to this country. Eventually we stopped all contact and I met another man who took my dcs on as his own. I told my dcs all about their natural father. My dd has always found it difficult and for years has wanted to find him. My dc did'nt seem too bothered.

Two days ago my dd called me and told me that she thought she had found her father on facebook, she asked me to look at his profile. It was him, it turns out he'd heard she was looking for him and he set up a facebook account so she could contact him.

He told her he loves her and has never stopped thinking about her. He is married with 3 dcs, One of them a little girl that he has named after my dd. My dd and ds are so happy to be in contact with him and I am very happy for them too but this has stirred up some deep buried feelings that I have. I am feeling really down and can't really explain why.

aderynlas Wed 09-Jan-13 19:18:37

Hope your eldest dc get some positive things from contact with their dad op and that you feel better soon.

smornintime Wed 09-Jan-13 19:18:55

Out of curiosity, how did he know she was looking for him?
Think about the time frame people, 25 years ago e-mail was not commonplace

KobayashiMaru Wed 09-Jan-13 19:24:36

Of course it wasn't 25 years ago, but it has been for a decade. It's not hard to find people with a bit of effort.
You lost his address so that was that? Ah come on.

BattlingFanjos Wed 09-Jan-13 19:27:30

Kobaya it is also not much use to jump on the OP on what you see as her failings as a parent and prominently display your judgy pants. Quite counter productive in my eyes as the OP now seems to have focused on your negative comments rather than the positive advice she's been given, wouldn't we all?
Also, I'm wondering where you read that the OP hasn't taken any responisbility for the situation she found herself in over 20 years ago, I certainly have not found that in her replies and am assuming you do not know get personally?

Perhaps I am also judging too quickly and this is actually a projection of your feelings.

KobayashiMaru Wed 09-Jan-13 19:30:17

Probably you're right, I'll leave this here. I identify with the children here, a mother who had children knowing the father would not be around, an absent father who has never tried to know his children, and nobody taking responsibility for what comes from all that.
Good luck to the adult children anyway, I hope they get whatever they are looking for.

BattlingFanjos Wed 09-Jan-13 19:34:39

In that case, I hope you're ok and whatever bad feeling there is, is resolved for you soon. My replies have been written with good intentions, hope they came across that way x

MamaBear17 Wed 09-Jan-13 20:29:35

I think a long lost love resurfacing would naturally stir up old feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do and should probably talk to someone in RL to help you deal with it. You are naturally feeling down because you will be thinking through all of the 'what ifs'. Make sure you get yourself some support if you need it. I think you are completely right to encourage your kids having contact with their dad and it is lovely that you are happy for them. Any questions that they have over his whereabouts or why he didn't make contact sooner belong to them really. If they accept his reasons then that is their choice and they do not deserve to be judged. You sound like a lovely mum x

RyleDup Wed 09-Jan-13 21:06:08

No I don't think you're unreasonable to be feeling this way. It must have been hard for you when he left, particularly if you still loved him. This is bound to stir up all sorts of emotions. I hope your dd's find what they are looking for when they finally get to meet him.

blairsmummy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:10:01

Jesus, is this really a place people come to for advice? I am the DD in question, and it is my mum who has posted this question. Judge not, lest ye be judged. Mum was looking for anyone with similar experience i think, or maybe just some words of comfort.

KobayashiMaru- I have to ask, as you are coming across as extremely bitter, have you been through a similar experience yourself? "Why are adult children sucked in by this?" Your views seem very black and white. You should knwo, life has many grey areas.

Is there actually anyone here with first-hand experience of this sort of situation who might be able to come up with some productive advice, as opposed to venting biased views?

Creepy-please define? Her name is Lian, it is the arabic version.

blairsmummy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:13:17

Thank you to the people who have been supportive of course. This is a fantastic time for me and my brother and we see it as hugely positive. I have wanted this for 25 years, my dream has come true.

BattlingFanjos Wed 09-Jan-13 22:43:55

Glad to hear it blairsmummy good luck to you all and I hope you enjoy every bit of it smile

Rightly or wrongly people will have opinions just disregard and take on board what you need to. All the best to you all x

BattlingFanjos Wed 09-Jan-13 22:44:19

Glad to hear it blairsmummy good luck to you all and I hope you enjoy every bit of it smile

Rightly or wrongly people will have opinions just disregard and take on board what you need to. All the best to you all x

TeaMakesItAllPossible Wed 09-Jan-13 22:45:27

It might be worth starting a thread in relationships or lone parenting depending on what your Mum wants to explore. There are a lot of supportive people on MN. For some reason AIBU seems to involve some quite polarised views.

It might be worth being more specific about what element of similar stories you want to explore. Latent feelings or your children meeting a birth parent are both threads I've seen many threads about.

Good luck to you both smile

blairsmummy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:51:23

Yeah, i think this maybe is the wrong place for such a sensitive and deep rooted subject. I think the area of my mum's emotions needs to be resolved, i will do all i can to help her.

Thank you both for your positive comments. I know life is not all about positive comments though! People will have their views...

BattlingFanjos Wed 09-Jan-13 22:54:31

It can be if you want it to be, I manage to float around ignoring the negativity people send out 99% of the time I believe this is known as delusion

Hope you found somewhere with more help and you/your mum are more than welcome smile

blairsmummy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:58:27

haha smile Well nothing can take away from the happiness i feel at finally finding my father and knowing that he has thought of me as i have thought of him. I have to say, it was kind of upsetting reading people saying things like " i refuse to believe he thought of them", but it does'nt matter, these people do not know him.

CoolaSchmoola Wed 09-Jan-13 23:05:19

I'm pleased you are happy Blairsmummy - and I think the people who have chosen to judge on this thread probably don't have the first clue about life in Iraq, the expectations that would have been placed on your father by his family and the Iraqi government, the repercussions his family would have faced if he didn't return, the difficulties around marrying a British woman and bringing her to Iraq which they would have had to have faced if they had got married.

Kobayashi we are talking about a country where people can't find their relatives who lived in the same house as them, a country where electricity is still off more than it is on, where not everyone has access to clean water.

You say that internet has been around for a decade.... In March this year it will be a decade since the second Gulf war started and Iraq was once again plunged into total chaos. People disappeared from the streets, bombs were exploding in residential areas, ALL lines of communication were controlled by the state. Iraqis were afraid and often completely unable to contact family members in other areas of the country let alone outside.

People I know didn't speak to their siblings for fifteen years because it wasn't safe to do so.

Yet here you are saying the internet has been around for a decade and "it's not hard to find people with a little bit of effort" - until recently the majority of people in Iraq had to use their effort to stay alive, to keep their families fed and warm. I'm glad you don't understand this - but because you don't, then you really shouldn't judge.

You may wish to read the Baghdad Blog by Salam Pax to find out just how difficult day to day life was in Baghdad a decade ago. Yes there was internet - but as there was no electricity a lot of the time, and any communication could be monitored it was not only incredibly difficult to get online, it was also incredibly risky to try to contact the UK - seeing as how we had effectively invaded them and all....

RyleDup Wed 09-Jan-13 23:05:50

Good luck with it all blairsmummy..

CoolaSchmoola Wed 09-Jan-13 23:11:28

I am also sure he thought of you - as I said, I know people from Iraq who were unable to contact their family in the UK for fifteen years because it just wasn't safe for them to do so. That lack of contact did not mean that they did not think of each other often, or love each other less.

I don't think people without an understanding of what Iraq is like, and was like, should judge. The cultural differences are massive, and the state controlled so much, that it is virtually impossible to appreciate just how difficult life in Iraq has been for many people, for many years.

You don't hunt down the leader of a country and execute him because he's been ruling well.....

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 09-Jan-13 23:13:21

Actually, I do have some experience of this. My DM's DF was a pilot, stationed in the UK who had my DM with my DGM. There was a war, things happen. However, my DM still feels strange not knowing her DF after 60+ years. Still feels a bit lost. I do wish people would think a bit more before making rash decisions about their children's future.

I'm glad you're happy blairsmummy. However, it could equally have gone the other way and he never managed to find you. I don't think I would have had DD knowing I wouldn't be there for her.

kaylasmum Wed 09-Jan-13 23:45:46

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. We should have been more careful re contraception but I was young and naive. We did talk about me and the kids going to Iraq to live but thank goodness we did'nt, life would have been awful for us.

When our contact ceased I thought I was doing the right thing for my dcs. I know now that I made a huge mistake and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

What I wanted from posting here was advice on my feelings towards my dcs father not condemnation for my decisions.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 09-Jan-13 23:50:14

Hi, kaylasmum have you checked out the Relationships board on MN? AIBU is not a good choice for ambiguous, difficult issues with relationships...

Footface Wed 09-Jan-13 23:54:23

You did what you thought was the right thing at the time. You can never know if things would have been better/worse/ different if we make different choices.

What I'm trying to say us don't beat yourself up over things you can't change, you did then for the right reasons

blairsmummy Thu 10-Jan-13 09:11:21

CoolaSchmoola-Thank you so much for your informed and insightful input. You have hit the nail on the head in a way that i wasn't even able to! Maybe now people can understand the situation a little better.

Footface- Thank you also for your words, i hope they are reassuring for my mum. You are right, there is no point beating yourself up over things you can not change, the only thing to do is move forward and deal with each issue as it comes.

I definitely agree that the relationship forum would be better for this issue.

The bottom line is, mum and dad did meet, they had me and my brother, they loved each other very much, but sadly, because of the way our world is, they were ripped apart. Maybe if the world was not such a horrible place to live in, we could have lived happily ever after as a family. But then we wouldn't have my other siblings. Everything happens for a reason. And my mum can't have done that bad a job, look how bright and articulate i turned out grin

TeaMakesItAllPossible Thu 10-Jan-13 10:04:49

Kaylas I probably would have made the same choice in your shoes - both to stay and give my kids the opportunities in the UK and about contact.

You were the one dealing with upset children on a daily basis - I bet the contact unsettled them when they were young and as Coola rightly points out Iraq was/is a very different and difficult place. There was no way of knowing that the political situation would change when you were making your choices. You might the right decision at the time and your DC now have the opportunity to build a relationship with their father.

If you want to explore the feelings towards your DCs father then relationships is absolutely the place to do it.

I wish you well with the hard journey you're all going to go on. There was an article in the Guardian about getting back in contact. I'll dig it out. It might have links to support groups with this sort of experience.

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