To expect my nan to stop "saving" clothes for ds(44 Posts)
I sound like a snob, hear me out. Inspired by another thread.
Aibu to expect my nan not to keep clothes from my ten year old cousin for my 5yo ds and pass them onto me
She has kept every item of clothing,shoes, school uniform possible to pass on to ds. cousin is 10 but wearing age 14 clothes as hes super tall/big. My nan is boxing everything up for me to take home, firstly ive got no space literally 5 people in small 3 bed no loft ect, along with not wanting to keep clothes for 5 years or more and also that most of the clothes dont suit ( the uniform is a complete different colour ect, shoes are absolutely huge sizes, clothes are the same well worn and on their way out)
She will not take im not having them for an answer to just keeps them and gives me bags of it when i go round which i end up giving to charity. Its starting to really grate on me and when i state why i dont want she rattles on about cost and how shes trying to help us, cant afford ect. Its really getting me down as we can! we arent minted but definatly not struggling to clothe kids or anything else. Shes driving me bats, even when i dont take the clothes she will keep them and send ds home when he visits with my dad in an eight year old size hoody or some such.
Stop off and drop them in recycling on your way home
Im ending up having to store them at my house until one of the chairty bags come round because i dont drive and live a fair walk away from town. Think id be less irritated by it if i could just drop them on my way home
just be firm,say appreciate it but you dont need them,tell your dh to say it too,until she listens.
Leave them at her house.
She can´t make you take them!
Just "no thank you" & leave them!
i tell her i cant take them/dont want them but then she sneaks them round at every possible oppurtunity with my dad who has no back bone and wont tell her i dont want them.
its bizarre really because my grandad gets in such moods with her for all this stuff clogging up their house and even he tells her we dont want it. Whilst calling us for not accepting it.
hmm, so it's your cousin's DC? Right, time to talk to them, explain the situation, say while you are very very grateful, you don't have the space for it all and aren't able to keep it. That you unfortunately end up having to give a lot of it away to charity shops because you don't have anywhere to store the clothes, and you don't want to offend your Nan by not taking them. Suggest they might know soemone else who'd get better use out of them or they could ebay the good bits and then rather than packing it all up to take to Nans, they could take to charity shop themselves. Say you could always tell a little white lie to Nan to save her feelings that they've dropped stuff to you directly...
YANBU, I can't stand clutter everywhere, this would drive me mad.
I think if you ring a local charity shop they'd come round in their van to collect the stuff...
think dont mind if i do has a good idea their speaking to cousin sounds best idea
But your dad can't make you take the clothes either.
Just say no when he arrives at the door with them.
BTW - it's not your nan that's packing all this stuff up to take, it's your cousin! They have obviously been told you want/need everything. This must be a bit of a hassle for them compared to binning it - plus if their 10 year old is wearing 14 year old clothes, their 10 year old probably has friends who'd be able to wear the clothes he's outgrown much sooner with parents who'd be grateful for it. They might well feel they can't give them to someone else they know who needs them because "family comes first" (I certainly would prioritise hand me downs being saved for family over a friend - but if I thought said family didn't want them, then I'd have others I could give to).
Worth taking Nan out of the loop, just be careful to stress how much you appricate the effort and the kindness, and if your DCs were closer in age/size so you didn't have to store things for so long, then of course you'd want them and are very very grateful etc.
My own DM is a bit like this, my nephew is nearly 11 but tall so sometimes wears older stuff, which she'll keep for DD who is 4. I know my sis doesn't give her things for me but she's collected pj's and jumpers over the years which she always seems to put on DD on the rare occasion she goes up there.
The best time was turning up to find DD as a newborn dressed in a baby grow which was apparently mine so was easily 20yrs old at the time even tho I'd put loads of clean clothes in for DD!
You are not a snob. There is a wealth of difference between 'would you like...?' and 'here's a bag of stuff for you'.
Agree re telling cousin you don't need more clothes, refusing to take any bags of clothes out of anyone's house and refusing to let anyone into the house if they are carrying any bags of clothes. I would tell the gran if she persists that he habit re hoarding clothes is affecting your relationship and can she please stop bringing you round clothes as you don't need them and it just means more work for you visiting charity shops.
Bin them or wait until you get one of those clothes charity bags through your letter box.
glad am not bu, she is a hoarder to be honest her house is a treasure trove of things they hardly use. is my aunts child and I agree that she would probably find better use for it, she gives it to us because my nan makes out that we are skint/ struggling despite being told a million times we don't want or need the stuff. think I shall have to be a lot firmer! am a pushover and end up just letting her carry on to shut them up nagging on about being ungrateful ect.
I suspect if someone had told me I was being ungrateful when I had told them I didn't want stuff repeatedly I would get angry with them and tell them to stop being nasty and that I didn't see why I should pretend to be grateful when she gives me bags of stuff I have told her several times that I don't need and that trying to clutter up my house with unnecessary clothes wasn't helpful and that she should just leave the clothes for my cousin to give to a charity shop and stop involving herself unnecessarily in this nonsense. It is all silly and unnecessary.
I pass on some of my kids' clothes to younger cousins, but mainly expensive stuff like skiing clothes or particularly nice garments in good condition. If they ever asked me to stop i'd do so. It's the continuing to give you stuff when you've said no that I don't understand. That's just playing power games unnecessarily.
I think you have to be firm - at the moment you are allowing her to convince herself that you do really want/need the things and are only saying you don't to be polite / hide your real financial situation.
That's the sort of idea that hoarders use to convince themselves that they should keep things - it will be useful, you'll need it one day, etc.
So stop taking the bags. Stop letting your dad bring bags. Tell your aunt that, much as you appreciate the thought, you don't have room to keep things and would much rather she chose to give them to someone who could use them.
2 pronged attack - talk to the Aunt, be polite but be clear you can't store the clothes so don't want them, whatever your Nan says, she isn't telling them the truth.
Then if there's any more turn up, refuse to accept them - tell your Nan and Dad you don't want them and they can deal with them, say anymore will be treated the same, what they do with them is their problem.
some people are make do and mend it would kill your nan to throw ' good clothes out ' my mil was the same and when she was alive she would give us everything and anything, we either used them or binned them do the same or tell your dad to not bring them at all, In our familiy when they were all younger and round about the same age clothes were passed around between 5 girls and it was great, but there is 5 years between them you cant keep stuff until they fit,
Re the nagging about taking them, stop look at them and say "why does this matter so much that i have them? I don't want them, I don't need them, you know this, so why is this such a big deal for you?" when they say it's not/that you should be grateful keep saying "but I don't want them, why should I be grateful about something you all know I don't want or need? Please explain, because I don't get it." If she gives you some guff about Aunt being nice, say to her "OK, I'll tell Aunty X not to send anymore to me then, it's such a waste because you know I just have to throw them out as I don't have storage, she's probably got a friend who needs them. Anyway, you might as well put them in yoru bin because that's what I'll do with them if you give them to me"
I hope I'm not doing this. I save my boys' clothes to pass on to their cousin who is a year younger. They say "thankyou" but are they secretly thinking "oh god, not another bag of secondhand clothes".
If they told me to stop I would though!
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