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Tell me straight I am BU ain't I?

(127 Posts)
ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 12:38:51

So in the middle of a long standing argument with DP it means a lot to me and it has put me off the idea of having DC with him but alas I am pregnant and now the arguement is needing to me solved.

I have 3DC with STXH and we all have the same surname.
All DC are close in age and this baby will only be 3yrs younger then DC3 which means at some point they will all be in school together.

I want the baby to have my surname a surname I will be keeping after divorce so its the same as my DCs partner doesn't like this and says it should have his.

I dont want my DCs having different surnames and I dont want to have a different surname to any of my DC.

I don't want to double barrell the last name as 1 its still different and 2 all DCs have double barrelled first names and so will this one and two double barrelled names in one name is riduclous.

Now I could understand if he was close to his family (DP) but he has his dad's name who he cannot stand.
I think DP who very much wants to be a family with me could change his surname if he wanted to have the same name as his dc, so why should it be me with a dc with a different surname instead?


strumpetpumpkin Wed 09-Jan-13 13:31:47

i reverted to my maiden name when i got divorced. I have my maiden name, my ds1 has my exes surname, and my 2 other children have my partners surname.

I have never felt judged for it, nor has it made any difference to the children.
Its pretty common these days

BarredfromhavingStella Wed 09-Jan-13 13:34:08

YABVU & amazingly selfish.

Do you have male friends that you can canvass for opinion on this?

ZooAnimals Wed 09-Jan-13 13:35:23

It's not her ex-husbands name. It's her name. If she was wanting the baby to have her maiden name would you be saying 'but that's not your name it's your father's name'?

OP YANBU, but neither is he. They only fair way is to double barrell the name. You don't need a double-barrelled first name, so drop that.

ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 13:36:05

After reading all the responses I can see Im being unreasonable and some people do have very good points, I guess its jist something ill have to get used to.

pictish Wed 09-Jan-13 13:37:39

Good for you. You'll soon get used to it. xx

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Wed 09-Jan-13 13:40:21

YABU its your ex's name. I might have felt differently if it was your maiden name.

My children have DH's surname but I don't as I kept my maiden name.

I really don't think siblings having different surnames is the same issue now as it was when you and your sister were in school.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Wed 09-Jan-13 13:41:11

X Post

You'll get used to it quite quickly.

beckyboo232 Wed 09-Jan-13 13:41:38

I have ds by two different fathers ds1 has my surname as his io father disappeared the day I found out I was pregnant. Ds2 also has mine despite me now being married to dh, I explained to him how important it was to me for my children to have my name,the same name and for me to keep mine once married. We compromised though My part of the compromise was getting married which was important to him up not to me.
So I do understand your position op but Think you need to talk and compromise somehow. Double barrelling would be the obvious one.

loopylou6 Wed 09-Jan-13 13:43:29

shock YAB amazingly U.

You really cannot expect your dp to be happy with taking on your exes surname. That's just ridiculous.

Thumbwitch Wed 09-Jan-13 13:45:44

I think the most salient point here is that things HAVE changed enormously over the last few years in terms of blended families, so children having different surnames in families will be far more usual, and less likely to be a target for derision - so if you're worried that your DC will suffer in the way you did, it seems unlikely.

Glad you've taken on board that YABU. smile

TandB Wed 09-Jan-13 13:48:57

I think YABU. If it was your maiden name then that would be fine, but you are asking him to give his child the name of your ex.

I think it would be a bit weird to be honest, and I can quite see why he would hate it.

NewYearNewNagoo Wed 09-Jan-13 14:49:56

You want it to be neat and tidy, to have the same name and for it to look perfect from the outside.

None of us is perfect, and I think you need to accept your situation for what it is. The new DC has a different daddy and will have a different name. You really can't expect your DP to accept his baby having another man's name.

I'm glad you seem to be coming round to this.

QOD Wed 09-Jan-13 14:57:47

I understand as I am a child of the 60's and one of the first to have divorcing parents. I absolutely hated and despised having a different surname to my umami would never in a million years have a different surname to my child.

However, we are talking about a new child, I would compromise and double barrel. My DD's friend is double double as in "Jenna-Louise Italian-Italian"and is just known as Jenna Italian-Italian which may well happen to your child depending on its actual first name. I know you said double barrel but is it like Lily-May or Alan-David? You know names that aren't traditionally double barrelled?

So actually, I don't think yabu but I think compromise.

HyvaPaiva Wed 09-Jan-13 15:16:01

My own surname situation makes me say just give the new baby its father's surname and stop worrying about everything 'matching'. My lovely mum thought she was doing the 'right/proper' thing by making our step-family 'all the same' and it was awful for me.

My parents were never married. At birth, I was given my mother's name (they split up and my father didn't want me). Years later, she married my stepfather and she took his name. I kept my birth surname (her maiden name) until they decided to have a child together.

At that point, it was decided that my surname should be changed to fit in with them. It made me feel excluded 'fit in' my name has to change? If my name's different I don't 'fit'? It was the wrong thing to do because it made me question our family dynamic and relationship. I felt conditional and peripheral. Different relationships, individuals, different periods of life created each member: my mum, father, me, stepdad, my brother. My brother and I - different fathers, different names - are as close as possible and no one has questioned that. To 'flatten' life out and make it 'neat' suggested to me that I wasn't good enough and that I messed up the family 'structure'. That wasn't really the case (we are close) but my mum's attempt to 'make it look the same' actually felt damaging. As a teenager I stroppily demanded my birth surname back and it was changed. Now I'm happily engaged but will never take DP's surname because I struggled to get 'my' name back and it has meaning to me. If we are lucky enough to have children, DP wants them to have my surname because he prefers my extended family (blush) to his own toxic parents. That's fine, it has meaning too. What I mean is there are all sorts of interesting family structures and relationships and we should engage with them instead of attempting to make life match up neatly.

Artesia Wed 09-Jan-13 15:22:13

I actually think you're getting a bit of a hard time OP.

I can understand why your partner would want the baby to have his name, and certainly why he won't change his. But your exh's surname is now also your surname, so isn't the question really "should my child have my surname or my partner's?". Just because you acquired your current surname through a previous marriage doesn't make it any less yours.

FWIW, I do think there needs to be an element of compromise all round, so I'd drop the double-barrelled first name, then give the new baby both surnames. It might not be your ideal outcome, but seems fairest all ways round, and keeps the link between your current children and the new baby's name.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 09-Jan-13 15:32:09

Is this a joke. You really think its okay to give your child your ex,s surname. I feel really really sorry for your new partner, you sound quite unreasonable. It does not bode well that you can't compromise on this and also see why he would not want his baby having another mans name.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 09-Jan-13 15:37:23

Sorry, I do see your dilema but think yabu. I don't think you can expect your DP to be happy with this idea. I certainly wouldn't be. My ex sil changed her DSs sir names without even telling my DB. He only found out when he saw her new DP's names on their school books. It was very upsetting and the boys felt very stuck in the middle.

KellyElly Wed 09-Jan-13 15:48:08

I think you are being very unreasonable to expect him to want your child together to have your ex husbands name! VERY unreasonable.

FryOneFatManic Wed 09-Jan-13 15:55:40

For all those people going on about it being the Ex's name, unless it's an extremely rare name, then many, many people will be sharing that surname. the Ex doesn't have exclusive use of that name.

And, as the OP intends to keep the name after divorce, then it will be her name too, it'll be irrelevant that the Ex has the same surname. She won't be giving the child Ex's name, she'll give the child hers.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 09-Jan-13 16:15:42

Many families have lots of different names, so what's the problem of them having a different name from their siblings. Sorry FryOneFatManic its still her ex husbands name and totally unreasonable to expect her new partner to think that this is okay.

KellyElly Wed 09-Jan-13 16:16:43

Sorry FryOneFatManic its still her ex husbands name and totally unreasonable to expect her new partner to think that this is okay. < This

SarahWarahWoo Wed 09-Jan-13 16:19:30

Play nice, your shared child could easily have a double barrelled surname? Everyone would be happy then? Don't give the baby a double/hyphenated first name though.

I feel sorry for your DP actually, you want his child to have your ex's surname and expect him to be happy with it?

FryOneFatManic Wed 09-Jan-13 16:42:08

I don't feel it is at all unreasonable. I feel that there are too many people who see a name as somehow "marking territory". His name, her name. A name is just an identifier, a way of marking you as an individual.

If people feel it is unreasonable maybe you need to look at your reaction to the idea. Can you honestly be sure that it's not coloured by the old idea that a man's name indicated possession/ownership of children?

I'm not trying to be provocative, but it's a genuine question. Are our old traditions (laws, even, a man did once own his wife and children) still influencing how we see these sort of issues?

BabsAndTheRu Wed 09-Jan-13 16:47:44

That is a valid point, but its not about naming the baby after his or her name but a third parties name who has nothing to do with the parentage of the child.

KellyElly Wed 09-Jan-13 16:49:21

If people feel it is unreasonable maybe you need to look at your reaction to the idea. Can you honestly be sure that it's not coloured by the old idea that a man's name indicated possession/ownership of children? No, it's the fact that it's her ex husband's surname and it's inappropriate to name a child with a new partner that name and expect them to be ok with it. Would the OP be ok if the roles were reversed? I doubt it. Many posters have said if it was her maiden name it would be fine, so not some anti-feminist issue.

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