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Tell me straight I am BU ain't I?

(127 Posts)
ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 12:38:51

So in the middle of a long standing argument with DP it means a lot to me and it has put me off the idea of having DC with him but alas I am pregnant and now the arguement is needing to me solved.

I have 3DC with STXH and we all have the same surname.
All DC are close in age and this baby will only be 3yrs younger then DC3 which means at some point they will all be in school together.

I want the baby to have my surname a surname I will be keeping after divorce so its the same as my DCs partner doesn't like this and says it should have his.

I dont want my DCs having different surnames and I dont want to have a different surname to any of my DC.

I don't want to double barrell the last name as 1 its still different and 2 all DCs have double barrelled first names and so will this one and two double barrelled names in one name is riduclous.

Now I could understand if he was close to his family (DP) but he has his dad's name who he cannot stand.
I think DP who very much wants to be a family with me could change his surname if he wanted to have the same name as his dc, so why should it be me with a dc with a different surname instead?


OohMrDarcy Wed 09-Jan-13 12:41:18

a friend of mine got around this by double-barrelling her name... so first fathers DC have surname1, new fathers DC surname2, her surname is surname1-surname2

would that work?

GoldPlatedNineDoors Wed 09-Jan-13 12:44:31

Ask him if he would be prepared to take on your families name if you marry. That way everyone will have the same name.

foofooyeah Wed 09-Jan-13 12:48:39

I really dont think it matters too much these days, my sons both have different sunames, and theor surnames are different to mine! But they were not in school together - that mightmake things more difficult.

I can understand your DP not wanting his son to have your ex's surname though

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 12:49:06

It's nothing to do with his family, presumably his issue is that his child won't share his name - which to be fair, is also your issue.

Agree with ninedoors - would he take your name? Are your DC's in contact with their father, and if not would you consider all changing your names to be the same?

I understand why you feel this way but is it really a big issue? DS and I don't have the same and it's never bothered me.

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 12:50:27

Also - if it was your maiden surname that would be one thing, but to expect your new DP to be happy with his child having your ex husbands surname I think YABU.

KobayashiMaru Wed 09-Jan-13 12:51:27

Well how would you feel if he said he wanted your child to have his exwifes name? You wouldn't be too impressed, would you?

StuntGirl Wed 09-Jan-13 12:53:48

There's nothing to stop him taking your name if you marry. Or indeed if you don't marry.

That said this was really something that should have been discussed before you got pregnant.

LaurieBlueBell Wed 09-Jan-13 12:54:37

I'm a bit confused but are you asking him to take your ex partners name?. If so I can understand why he wouldn't want that.
Can also understand your point of view. I think you will both need to compromise by double-barrelling.

ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 12:57:59

The problem is I wont change my DCs name as they have regular contact.

He wont take my surname at all (his decision not bothered) he doesn't want DC havong my surname as its hos DC.

The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name.

And the point of if he wanted his ex wife's name is irrelevant as she isnt the one having a baby if so she could name it whatever she wanted.

squeakytoy Wed 09-Jan-13 12:58:27

yabu and also quite silly.. lots of families have children with different surnames, and it doesnt make any difference. My stepchildren have my husbands surname, their half sister has her dads surname, and their mother has her new husbands surname.. nobody cares.

chicaguapa Wed 09-Jan-13 12:59:31

My Dsis was in this situation and rang her exH to ask if she could change their DC's names to her new husband's. I was a bit shock that she'd asked tbh and wondered what planet she was on to think that he'd consent to that.

I can see why you'd want them to have the same surnames, but they have different fathers, so I think YABU.

squeakytoy Wed 09-Jan-13 13:00:06

"The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name"

So he isnt going to be involved in the baby after it is born then?

"And the point of if he wanted his ex wife's name is irrelevant as she isnt the one having a baby if so she could name it whatever she wanted"

Hmm, lets say she does have a baby, and she decides it should have his name, even though they are no longer together, will that be ok with you?

Pandemoniaa Wed 09-Jan-13 13:00:16

If you want the child you and your DP are expecting to bear your ex's surname then, tbh, I can see why your current DP isn't keen. If he simply wanted the baby to have his surname as opposed to your maiden name then I'd say he was being U.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Jan-13 13:01:04

The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name.

That old chestnut makes you sound quite ridiculous I'm afraid.

Not to mention controlling.

Thumbwitch Wed 09-Jan-13 13:02:29

I can see your point but also can see his too. I think you should just double-barrel the new baby's surname, his and yours. Sorry, that's the only fair way out I can see.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Jan-13 13:02:44

And what Pandemoniaa said.

I totally agree

sarahtigh Wed 09-Jan-13 13:04:06

I think YABU if it was your own family name/ maiden name ( I hate the term but you know what I mean)then probably ok but it is not; it is your Ex's name and your childrens name, I really can understand why DP does not want your unborn child to have ex's surname and even more why he would not want to change his own surname to your ex's name,

I think double barrelling is best solution but I would understand if he did not want ex's name there at all this child is nothing to do with your ex, he does not have the same father as your other children

this is not so much about having mothers name but it being exP name having different surnames in family is not really a big deal today

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 09-Jan-13 13:05:19

My DD has both mine and ExDP's surname. Double barrelled. My surname is last, simply because my family is all girls, and i wanted to carry on the surname.

Dahlen Wed 09-Jan-13 13:05:27

As long as we have a situation where over 90% of children whose parents separate end up living with the mother, this is exactly why all children should take the surnames of their mothers and it would be much more sensible if men adopted their wives' surnames on marriage.

However, since that horse has long bolted, I think the only sensible compromise in this situation is double-barrel the surname and lose the double-barrelled first name so it doesn't sound too OTT.

The feminist in me applauds you for fighting for your child to have your family name, but I understand his POV. I don't think many men would be happy about it TBH.

It may be worth having the intellectual argument with him. The logical extension of his view that your child would have your ex's name is that the name is not truly yours, but something you only acquired on marriage. True enough but if you choose to keep it on divorce it becomes your name legally just as much as if you had been born with it. To view it as being associated with your X implies you are an extension of your X, which is an ugly view of women based on ownership and an outdated relic of the past.

However, while you might win the rational argument on that one, I doubt very much you'd succeed in changing how he feels emotionally about it.

aderynlas Wed 09-Jan-13 13:05:35

Think you need to compromise here op, maybe keep half of the double barell and put your partners name as the other half. Congratulations to you both on the new baby news.

KobayashiMaru Wed 09-Jan-13 13:05:49

your old husbands name is also irrelevant since he is not the father of your new baby.

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 13:06:00

Yeah that quote makes you seem a bit controlling.. Why is it such a big deal? No one cares. And you won't care after a while.

Personally I wouldn't keep my husbands name if we divorced. You have. I don't care. I doubt anyone else cares.

You honestly can't expect him to be happy with his child having the surname of your ex husband. Really?

hzgreen Wed 09-Jan-13 13:06:53

You want to give you baby another man's surname? Yes yabu I'm afraid. If it was your maiden name you might stand a chance but doesn't seem right. I I was your dp I would be reading you the riot act over this and if it was the other way around I doubt you'd be ok with your child having his ex wife's name.

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 09-Jan-13 13:07:22

I agree with the others. I can understand why you want your children to have the same surname, however YABU to expect your DP to go along with giving his child your ex husband's name. To be honest, I don't just think it's unreasonable, I think it's blooming weird.

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