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AIBU .. Smoking & Children...

(93 Posts)
HungryHippo89 Wed 09-Jan-13 09:47:28

I smoke... I have a DSS (8) around for 2 days a week ... DSS Mother has asked me to no longer smoke infront of DSS because i'm glamourising smoking and it isn't good for his health ... I think she is over-reacting since i have been smoking infront of him for the last 4 years ...

I smoke around or less than 5 a day ...
I Don't smoke in the home - I go outside and shut the door
I Don't smoke in the car
I Don't smoke withing a few meters of him-
I have explained to him how harmful smoking can be and that i should really stop ...

AIBU to think she is over-reacting to cause a problem? And that it is an unreasonable request to ask me to stop smoking infront of him 100%? After all he can walk through the high street and see loads of people smoking? My OH won't give me any advice on the subject as he isn't amazingly bothered about him seeing me smoking just as long as it's not in a confined space and he isn't having to breath it in ...

AIBU to think she is over reacting?

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Wed 09-Jan-13 13:14:21

Seriously tell her to fuck off. If it was me I would light up in front of her and the child to piss her off.


olgaga Wed 09-Jan-13 13:12:34

surely you can show some restraint for 2 days a week

I agree with maxo, that really is the point here.

OP and others seem to think this is a "control" issue, but in fact it's the mother of your SS being concerned at his exposure to your harmful addiction.

For the sake of your SS, and family relations generally, you need to respond to this in a mature way. The right thing to do would be to agree not to smoke 2 days a week - use patches if necessary.

It will only continue to cause problems for your OH (and by extension, you) otherwise.

Plus it will give your lungs a rest and do you good!

maxomummy Wed 09-Jan-13 12:43:30

Sorry, YABU. I know it's hard to give up smoking yada,yada,yada, personal choice etc. but it is harmful to children, and smoking while out for the day with DSS will expose him to some of the chemicals as well as normalising the behaviour. IMO his mother is trusting her child into your care (and his Dad's) and she has every right to stipulate something like this for the sake of his current and future health. I had no choice as a child, my Dad smoked in my early years, my Mum never stopped and all my brothers and sisters smoked and I hated it, children don't have a choice so surely you can show some restraint for 2 days a week in exercising your personal choice or are you really that selfish??

Allonsy Wed 09-Jan-13 12:40:06

Personally i would not be dicated to what i can and cannot do in my own life/garden/etc by my partners ex. You are not smoking around her child or in the home, what next you cannot be seen drinking alcohol, playing the lottery etc, frankly ridiculous.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 12:37:45

To the parents who think they hide their smoking from their kids - you don't. They know. My dh thinks because he sneaks round the shed, washes his hands, chews gum that they are oblivious. They've known for years! Smokers have no idea how much smoke sticks to their hair, clothes, breath no matter what they do. Also the kids see the big billows of smoke coming from behind the shed and have found his fags.

OP I'm actually with you. Obviously smoking's a mug's game and it is not great role modelling. But it's not illegal, you are an adult and it's not easy to give up as my dh has shown (given up so many times and gone back to it - I hate it but I accept he's a grown up...and he's addicted).

extracrunchy Wed 09-Jan-13 12:37:37

I'm afraid I'm inclined to agree with her, not just for his health (and yours!) but also because you are a role model, and no amount of telling him it's bad is going to convince him if you do it anyway.

NaturalBaby Wed 09-Jan-13 12:37:34

ifancyashandy I don't think you've understood my post. I 'enforce' no smoking around my dc's by moving them away from smokers. I'm fortunate enough not to know any smokers so they're never really exposed to it. I was saying if it was my 8yr old and his step mum was smoking while he was in her care, I would be saying .......

If an adult caring for someone else's child was doing something that is proven to be harmful to health then the parent has every right to ask the carer not to do it, just because the carer is in their own home it doesn't make it acceptable behaviour.

'I will give up when I want to give up not when i'm being asked to' hmm
The only reason my parent gave up smoking was because he was asked to by all his children. Responsible parenting has consequences.

Wallison Wed 09-Jan-13 12:32:44

Maybe the poor wee mites are so blinded by the clouds of smoke wafting from the coat of a person who has smoked 30 mins previously that they, choking and sobbing, just cannot see the page in front of them.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's horseshit.

5madthings Wed 09-Jan-13 12:32:12

Yanbu, you are taking reasonable precautions and going outside etc.

Sorry but the mum is being controlling.

Wallison Wed 09-Jan-13 12:24:45

From the telegraph article:

"Tiny particules of pollutants found in cigarette smoke contain chemicals which in large numbers can cause cancer. "

So in large numbers these chemicals can cause cancer, but tiny particules of them are found in cigarette smoke? Well, clutch my pearls and call me Nancy.

"Studies have also shown that even small amounts of exposure to this kind of pollutant has been associated with reading problems in children. "


OrangeClub Wed 09-Jan-13 12:23:22

Hungry - I agree with this. Teenagers love to do anything adults don't want them doing. It's very difficult as a parent to know what to say to children about smoking/drinking/drugs. You don't want to be seen as permissive but at the same time taking a hard line stance on an issue just seems to make it more attractive to the rebellious teen.

olgaga Wed 09-Jan-13 12:19:49

The above links are not from Ash. They are the result of medical research. See for yourself.

It's very sad to see people in denial about smoking even now, especially where children are concerned.

olgaga Wed 09-Jan-13 12:18:01

If a child?s parents smoke they are three times more likely to smoke themselves.

Parents who limit their smoking to the garden could still be harming their children because of the dangers of 'third-hand smoke', doctors have warned.

thecook Wed 09-Jan-13 12:17:47

OP same background as you. Started at 13. Ah the days when 10 Regal King Size were 73p......

Seriously tell her to fuck off. If it was me I would light up in front of her and the child to piss her off.

HungryHippo89 Wed 09-Jan-13 12:12:29

puds in response to that - neither of my parents smoke never have done, my mum despises it. My first cigarette was at 13, because i knew she hated it so much I had a cigarette to piss her off when she banned me off the PC. I thought that if I went out and did something she hated she would rather have me indoors and therefore my punishment would never be a banning off the PC...I Doubt if my mum hadn't expressed so much hate for it, i wouldn't of done it because I wouldn't of known how much it would piss her off ... And that is genuinley true not just a smart answer to you ...

Wallison Wed 09-Jan-13 12:12:01

That link to the 'fact'sheet from Ash doesn't work for me, and even if it did I don't know that I would trust an organisation that campaigns against smokers to provide unbiased scientifically proven evidence that someone who has smoked a cigarette 30 minutes previously is recklessly endangering the lives of everyone they go near due to their coat being a bit stinky.

spidermanspiderman Wed 09-Jan-13 12:11:28

Dahlen I believe you are referring to the 2009 study published by the journal ' paediatrics'. There have been several more scientific studies done since, I would recommend reading those first before commenting on third hand smoking.

thecook Wed 09-Jan-13 12:11:04

YANBU The mother is. Does she cover his eyes when they walk down a street together so he doesn't see anybody smoking? Good god, pity that is all she has to worry about.

manicbmc Wed 09-Jan-13 12:09:12

It's the OP's partner's son too though. Does he get no say in this?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 09-Jan-13 12:06:32

I think she had the right to ask you not to do certain things around her son.

I wouldn't want anyone smoking around my DD. I don't think its precious, i think it's sensible.

And anyone who says kids aren't stupid blah blah blah. I started smoking when i was 12 because my mum did. I never actually saw her smoke until i was 16, but i could smell the smoke on her and i found the cigarettes in her coat. If she hadn't smoked, i doubt i would have started if she hadn't smoked as none of my friends did.

Dahlen Wed 09-Jan-13 12:02:16

I don't smoke. I don't like smoking. It stinks. I think this is a totally hysterical over-reaction.

The OP is smoking outside. And I read other posters on here claim that the so-called 'third hand smoke' hypothesis has been totally debunked. Apparently it was based on people's perceptions of how dangerous they thought smoking was, not on any scientific research.

Which isn't to say that smoking is perfectly ok, because we all know it isn't, but there are no passive smoking risks associated with the set up described by the OP.

As for the glamorising of smoking, unless the DSS follows her outside, I shouldn't think he sees the OP smoke apart from on very rare occasions. And skulking outside for one, shunned to the garden, is hardly glamorising it.

KellyElly Wed 09-Jan-13 12:00:49

*mmmm do you though? up until very recently yes, but now smoking is not socially acceptable at all, I can't remember the last time I was at a bus stop with anyone standing there smoking. The only places I now ever see smokers is outside the hospital and SOMETIMES in the outside areas of bars (but even there its become rare), and no longer okay at outside tables of cafes where people are eating

Its no longer okay to walk down a street passing people by while smoking

10 years ago, yes it was a very normal sight, but not now* I take it you don't live in London. I see people smoking every day.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Jan-13 11:56:36

She's being a control freak.

What next? Can you stop eating McDonalds in front of him? Can you make sure you hide any bottles of alcohol in the house including the empty bottles?

You gained too much weight over Christmas but you look can you go on a diet please and stop glamourising being overweight?

Silly woman.

olgaga Wed 09-Jan-13 11:51:18

You have three very good reasons to give up smoking. The negative impression on your SS, relations with his DM, and for the sake of your own health.

Frankly if you are really smoking just 5 a day it shouldn't be that hard. If you really aren't prepared to contemplate giving up for the above very good reasons, wearing a nicotine patch for two days a week is not a lot to ask.

I smoked for 3 decades, gave up two years ago. Believe me, it doesn't get easier to give up, it just gets harder and harder. So do it now.

Whether or not your SS sees you smoking at home, he'll smell it when you walk back in the house, on your clothes, your breath, hands and hair. And boy does it stink. As an ex-smoker I'm amazed how strong and acrid the smell is, even if you just walk past a smoker, or one walks in the room.

If you're smoking in front of him on days out, whether in the open air or not, I would be very unhappy about it if I was his mum.

So what if she hasn't complained about it until now? Maybe your SS has begun to notice it, and told her he doesn't like the way you smell. It was around that age that my DD started to fuss about the smell and get irritated about me disappearing!

You also need to bear in mind that he is at an age where they will be discussing smoking at school, in an extremely negative way.

FeckOffCup Wed 09-Jan-13 11:51:06

Ok so because her son is 8 it's ok to poison him

Hysterical much? She smokes outside, not in an enclosed space with the child hmm.

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