Annoyed at Friend re. slander of childminder(65 Posts)
My DS adores his CM and so do my DH and I. she is warm, encouraging, caring, nurturing, etc. Our DS has come on leaps and bounds and has been with her for a year and half, and she will have DS2 once my maternity leave is up.
Friend asked about her and I recommended CM for her DD. Problem is all the things i love about CM, (i.e. she does lots of messy play, interactive things, they spend a lot of time outdoors, visit farms/ woods/ beach etc) my friend hates and after placing her child with CM for a few months removed her complaining she always came home with dirty clothes in her bag (CM changes the childrens clothes if they get dirty etc) and she didn't like the activities CM did. I thought fair enough, horses for courses and it was her choice.
However I have now started to get really angry that she constantly slags my CM off and my decision to place DCs there. She says CM doesn't keep them safe and does activities children shouldn't do. she doesn't understand why I place my DC there and doesn't think I should. She does this very publicly, i.e. baby/toddler groups etc, and I find myself getting very defensive of my decisions and CM.
I know daily where my son goes and what he does, I am given a plan of the day every morning and an update every evening when DS comes home with a beaming smiling chattering about what wonderful new experiences he has had. CM is rated as outstanding with Ofsted and I don't have a bad word to say about her. CM has had DC since he was 6mths and never done anything which I consider as not appropriate. I feel friend is now exaggerating things to justify her decision to move her DC and unfairly criticising CM and me, as well as being slanderous of CM. CM doesn't deserve this and I feel responsible. I don't think CM has heard what friend has been saying as she has never raised it with me, but she is also professional and not a gossip so I don't know if she would anyway.
How can I stop this without it being to confrontational, as I hate confrontation!
Personally I would not tell your CM - there is little she or you can do about your friend's opinions or the fact she is telling people about it.
What you can do is give a more balanced view to people about the CM. Give your opinions, how you feel she is great and all the things she does with the children.
People are not stupid, they will hear you and hear your friend, they will consider the facts and then visit the CM if they need childcare and make a judgement call themselves.
OP - YANBU
And your childminder sounds fab (2 of mine went to a similar sounding childminder and she was fantastic).
If she is concerned about 3 kids on a beach then she's just bonkers really and if that's the complaint she is airing most people will just ignore it.
The thing is - assuming she left her dc and did not attend the trips out how on earth does she know what safety was or was not observed?
Salad well... I've been your friend
Amberleaf ILoveSalad, I think you are projecting a bit too much on this thread!
Wish I could work out which is true!
There is no need for children to come home dirty.
In DD nursery they got wellies, wet suit and aprons ect to keep the children clean and dry.
I really don't care how the dc come out of school/nursery and your childminder sounds fantatic
We had a not disimilar situation with DS1's first nursery. Some people (not really friends - more of acquaintances who we knew quite well if you know what I mean!) sent their daughter there about a year after DS1 started.
They always had complaints about various things and to be honest I was surprised they used that nursery - it was in an area where there were two very posh, expensive nurseries, and this one was neither posh nor expensive. But it was lovely and DS1 was very happy there, as were a friend's two children and a couple of other children we knew who had attended there. They were very into money and having the absolute best, so it was never going to end well.
They finished up taking her out and have never stopped whinging about the nursery and about one particular "horrible" child in particular who was apparently uppsetting their DD. Their daughter wasn't even in the same room as the other child who was much older and as far as I could tell they just saw him on pick up and drop off and took against him - he had some behavioural difficutlites which were very well managed by the nursery.
I just used to breezily say things like "how odd. We thought it was great and x andd y loved it too." and change the subject.
Ilovesalad, I totally agree from all you've said that your CM was not at all good for your ds and she falsely advertised herself. I would be upset and angry too.
I have been the the school application process twice. It's true that people get really defensive and offensive about schools that aren't their choice. It's weird, but true. I try to avoid discussions about various schools at the mo as we're settled until senior school....however I would still feel annoyed and upset if a friend constantly slagged off my dcs school - especially if I'd asked her not to speak to me about it as I don't feel the same.
Even now if I hear a negative snippet about 'my' school from someone else it preys on my mind for a while.
I think its very common, in a lot of bad situations, to not really see how bad it was till its over and you look back on it. At the time you can make one excuse after the other and ignore your gut!
to the OP - i think your CM sounds great, if i were you then if your friend says anything negative about her experience in your earshot you should just pipe up with 'we love the CM, it's great for kids who like to be out and about in all weathers, but maybe doesn't suit those who don't like to get wet and muddy sometimes - ' that way parents who hear your friend's comments have a more balanced picture.
"ILoveSalad But I think this is more about the OP having concerns that her friend has gone from saying she didn't like the setting/activities to saying she uses unsafe practices?"
which is why I described how, at the time, I played down my concerns because TBH I didn't really wanna believe them myself, and it was only when DS was safely out and settled elsewhere that I admitted the worst of it!
ILoveSalad But I think this is more about the OP having concerns that her friend has gone from saying she didn't like the setting/activities to saying she uses unsafe practices?
I think its the defamation side of things that is worrying her.
When we were looking at nurseries at the same time as our friends, we had a similar situation. We found a nursery we loved. Huge garden, loads of freedom, frequent trips out etc. Our friends hated it. They felt that some of the activities weren't suitable and under supervised (this was for pre-schoolers btw). They chose a nursery we hated. We found it sterile and a bit like the set of Teleltubbies (complete with fake grass!). They liked it for the same reasons we hated it.
I would just reiterate that you're very happy with your CM and if she has any serious issues she should be reporting them, not harping to you about it.
"But if she was in her house waiting for a parent as you say wasnt she doing activities then?"
no, not with my DS anyway. She did more with friend's DS but then again she liked him
it was very much one in one out, she backed to backed short contracts on our days, so once one lot were swapped at the door it'd be back in the car for another run to somewhere..
When I visited her she said that she teamed up with another CM and they went to each other's houses to socialise their mindees with each other, that never happened on my days either (dunno if it did on friend's days)
I never said that outings should happen every day, Complaining that advertised /promised outings NEVER happened is not expecting constant outings. that is really twisting my words
But if she was in her house waiting for a parent as you say wasnt she doing activities then? I can recognise your upset and it is clear your old CMs routine did not suit you, which is fair enough. And i do agree that taking on too many pick ups will be unmanageable but I dont think outings are necessary every day as it happens, my DH does loads of activities in the home with his mindees depending on their age and capibilities, and it is a balance between educational activities and fun really.
I don't see how it's projecting to demonstrate how 2 people can experience the same thing differently
I'm not saying the OP is wrong to like her CM, I don't think my friend was wrong to be happy with her DS's experience of our CM, I'm just saying that it's possible for someone else to hate same CM without either of them being wrong , they can both be right! and yes that applies to the friend too, she should also accept that the OP is sure that her children are happy there, I've never suggested that the OP is wrong to like the CM. I'm only trying to demonstrate that the friend isn't necessarily exaggerating and the CM might have been an awful place for her DCs.
Both need to accept that their own experiences are no gauge of the other one's experiences
I'm wondering how many on this thread have been through the school app process if this isn't a familiar theme??
OP YANBU at all.
ILoveSalad, I think you are projecting a bit too much on this thread!
I can see its still bothering you, maybe you should start a thread to rant on?
shesariver I don't think you read my last post
yes she was only allowed a certain amt at a time, but she took did a lot of short sessions, like 2 hours at a time, and did home pick ups and drop offs too so it WAS all day in a car or waiting in for a parent.
you really think a CM is "just doing her job" if for 2 of her working days she NEVER does outings. Was it okay that I went and said "do you have availablity on mondays and wednesdays and what outings do you do" and she says "yes, and I take mindees to the park, library, playgroups, countryside" when she knows full well that on mondays and wednesdays she will never be doing any outings at all?
you do not have to take on more pick ups than you can manage alongside other activites. She did home picks and drops too which she could have said no to without loosing the mindee. My friend who used her didn't NEED a home pick up and would have still used her without it, but she liked getting her DS picked up in the morning so she had a bit of childfree time at home to get herself ready for work IYKWIM
I think you should say what sugarice wrote.
I think salad should start her own thread.
salad Im sorry you are still so upset, and it looked like you were annoyed because your child was in a car doing other pick ups, which is part of a cms job. It might have seemed a lot to you but she would only be allowed a certain amount of children at any 1 time. I hope you were able to speak to her about your worries at the time. My DH balances trips out against home based activiites, depending on different factors.
yeah I know personally on the pool issue I think they should take ages into account, a mum with 3 spread out, where the oldest two can swim well, should be allowed a 1:3.. but that's a bit of a derail...
you can't take 3 littlies on a merry go round at once with one adult, that might be a better example.
the 3:1 thing depends on age mix and particular activity, it's a stupid thing to say in general, but in relation to a particular activity and age mix it might be true?
' according to most swimming pools, one adult cannot keep 3 children safe in the pool,'
but one spotty teenaged swimming instructor , can be trusted with 10 non swimming 3 yr olds.But that's for a whole other debate!
"Yes realcoal I have, she has only ever said that 'how can one CM keep 3 children safe at once', which to me is silly!"
its all in the context
in general of course a CM can keep 3 children safe
but in a different sentance, "how can one CM keep 3 children safe while doing X or at Y" then it's different?
for example, you can safely mind 3 kids, course you can, some families have 3+ children! but according to most swimming pools, one adult cannot keep 3 children safe in the pool, so there are activities which need a higher ratio
it really depends on the context
" but I am not sure this is helping OP. It sounds like a different scenario entirely."
well it depends on whether the OP wants to move along with the friendship doesn't it?, because if she's deciding that the differing opinions are down to exaggeration and enjoying drama then that is going to be a stumbling point in staying friends, whereas if she sees that two people can genuinely experience the same childcare setting in a very different way, and both are being honest about their very different experiences, then surely it'ld be easier to draw a line under it (but it would take the OP confronting the issue and making it clear to the friend that she doesn't wanna hear it personally)
OP this issue is going to re-occur! just wait till you start applying for schools, people feel very strongly about it and friends of yours will be shocked at your choices and feel very strongly perhaps that your choice of school is horrendous!.. then maybe if you use the afterschool club there'll be people who wouldn't touch that with a barge pole... this issues re-occurs with parent friends throught your kid's childhood with varying degrees and sometimes you'll hate a club or school someone else loves and vica verca. People really do see these things differently. Find a way to confront this that draws a line under it or get wound up by similar disagreements for the next 16ish years!
Yes realcoal I have, she has only ever said that 'how can one CM keep 3 children safe at once', which to me is silly!
Have you asked her to elaborate on the ways her DC was not kept safe.i would certainly want to know, not just for the CMs sake but for my own Dcs sake!
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