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to stop giving the family youngsters automatic presents when they reach 18?

(42 Posts)
cozietoesie Tue 08-Jan-13 23:08:26

I've always given all the family youngsters automatic presents at birthday and Xmas - Amazon vouchers or cash to spend. Now they're getting to their 18th and beyond. I've been giving them a lump of dosh each for their 18th (not a whole lot, maybe, but as much as I could afford) and then regarding them as adults who get a present if appropriate. I've told the parents and they're pretty well fine with that approach.

Just that I noticed that the 'first round' of 18+ youngsters seemed pretty pissed off to get Xmas presents and not cash or vouchers this year. I can understand that they might have assumed that they would get something from me in cash/vouchers to buy their Call of Duty Purple Ops 87 or whatever but I felt quite low when the Xmas paper was ripped off their (carefully chosen) presents and they were flung aside.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't see it right that I should be just handing out cash for ever and a day but maybe I'm being too tough. I'd welcome views.

abbierhodes Tue 08-Jan-13 23:11:42

how do you know they're pissed off?? Because however this has been communicated to you, it is bloody rude! They'd get nothing from me in future.

iago Tue 08-Jan-13 23:13:12

I'm fed up in my family that we are still expected to buy for adult nephews and nieces, latterly Secret Santa, when they contribute nothing - not even a gift for the hosts of the family 'do'. Won't be happening next year. May be disinherited.

cozietoesie Tue 08-Jan-13 23:13:39

I saw their faces and was there when they dealt with their presents.


KatyPeril Tue 08-Jan-13 23:14:29

That's how it works in my family.

iago Tue 08-Jan-13 23:16:11

May be disinherited - me, that is. Though that was a bit of a ridiculous thing to say in that I have already had my inheritance!

cozietoesie Tue 08-Jan-13 23:17:29

I wouldn't want to disinherit anyone, iago. I was a right mardy cow when i was 19 so I'm trying to think positively.

biff23 Tue 08-Jan-13 23:18:50

I stop at 18. They get a card for birthday and a small gift for Christmas, as do their parents. It's got to stop at some point.

iago Tue 08-Jan-13 23:23:37

Ditto, Biffo. £18 cheque at 18, nothing till £21 at 21 and nothing thereafter until bloody Christmas...

ALittleScatterOfRain Tue 08-Jan-13 23:23:56

Well, I was going to say YABU, because I prefer to buy to twenty-one.

But you've swapped from cash/vouchers to a gift? YANBU at all. I'd say stick to your guns- if they're still ungrateful could you buy a nice or bigger present for their twenty-first and say you're not buying any presents at all after that, just a card?

iago Tue 08-Jan-13 23:35:43

I agree with ALSofR. I used to buy vouchers in desperation for birthdays of nephews and nieces, then adopted my 18 and 21 policy. Ingratitude is unforgiveable.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 08-Jan-13 23:41:51

If they don't seem grateful then YANBU.

I was raised to be grateful for all my presents and as an adult still am.

Except the ones from my paternal uncle. His wife used to buy me presents with irritating my mum in mind,because she was jealous of her (she admitted this once). Though they stopped giving presents/vouchers/money when I was 18 and my brother 11. And we're shocked when my Dad returned the favour. They're v odd though generally speaking.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 08-Jan-13 23:42:27

*were shocked. Were.

How I loathe autocorrect.

Solo Tue 08-Jan-13 23:44:04

Yes, they are lucky to still get gifts at all.
I have continued to buy a gift for my nephew (19), and my 17 and 16yo nieces, but it will all stop at some point soon. They don't know yet though grin.
Having said all that; I only have the three of them to consider, plus their parents and my Mum and 2 Dc's, so it's not a huge family and I don't do many friend gifts anymore.

Startail Tue 08-Jan-13 23:50:52

I stopped sending my much younger cousins resents when they were 18.

There lovely Mum sends presents to my two, but I don't see her often so I don't feel she needs to.

MumofWombat Tue 08-Jan-13 23:53:27

We stopped getting presents at 18 from our Aunts and Uncles. I think there needs to be a cut off point otherwise it gets silly!
Although, those of us that want to University did used to get a 'survival pack' every Christmas, this would be a gift bag with shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, marmite, washing up liquid. Apparently each Aunt/Uncle would spend a couple of pounds in the supermarket! We used to appreciate it!

Colyngbourne Wed 09-Jan-13 08:59:55

I think presents up till the age of 21 is reasonable because many (though fewer in future) 18 yr olds go to university and actually aren't living on very much and really appreciate a £10 voucher for something or other. Otherwise it's like they get to 18 and suddenly no-one gives them anything anymore but they've only just left home and are maybe struggling to adjust to budgeting etc. By 21 they have learned to manage adult life a bit more.

It must be rubbish to be in your first term at university on a student grant and when Christmas comes, you're suddenly non-existent as far as most of your extended family go.

realcoalfire Wed 09-Jan-13 09:35:40

If their parents are buying presents for your kids, then I think you should continue to give

threesocksmorgan Wed 09-Jan-13 09:44:25

I still give my nephews money at christmas and birthdays(always been £5 for birthdays and £10 at christmas) Its nice as sil does it for mine,

LeggyBlondeNE Wed 09-Jan-13 09:53:11

My DH's aunts and godparents not only still buy him gifts into his mid-thirties, but now buy them for me and our daughter too. Since my uncle and godparents stopped sending the bi-annual tenner when I was 18, I'm rather uncomfortable with all this and ... well there's only so much moisturiser I can not-use! I have pointed out to his family that I have too much stuff and would be very happy with just a card but it's falling on deaf ears...

If they don't like the gifts seems reasonable to stop buying them anything at all and treat them like adults.

RuleBritannia Wed 09-Jan-13 11:35:08

I have toyed with the idea of not giving my 18 yar old nephew any more gifts (for Christmas or birthday) but I would feel uncomfortable not giving him anything but still buying for his sister, my niece, who is 15. How can I buy for one and not the other? His 19th birthday is in March. What shall I do? Oh, and he's at university not that that's anything to do with it but it shows that he's 'grown up'.

I received a Christmas thank you card from the niece but not the nephew. Hmmm

DeWe Wed 09-Jan-13 13:18:18

Rule, I think if you tell them you will be stopping giving presents at 18yo, as long as you do it at the same age for both it is fair. What isn't fair is if you wait until the younger one gets to 18yo and then say you're not giving to either-assuming you didn't only start giving him presents when she was born.

This year dd1 didn't get a present from one relative as we've got an agreement to stop at secondary school. (fairly distant relative-I don't think she's ever met them). We told her, and there was a moment look of "humph" and then she shrugged and forgot about it.

littleladyindoors Wed 09-Jan-13 13:25:28

that seems really rude to me- even if I am not sure about a present, its horrible to just throw it to one side, no matter how old you are! I wouldnt be giving them anything just for that regardless of age!
As long as you do it for everyone at the same time, then there is no problem. unlike my DHs family, who stopped for the first 2 at 18 (DH and SIL1) and are still buying for SIL2 at 20.

happynewmind Wed 09-Jan-13 13:25:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happynewmind Wed 09-Jan-13 13:29:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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