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To not want to deal with DP anymore?

(109 Posts)
attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:34:17

MY DP has been out of work for over two years now. In Jan 2011 he was working in finance with a generous salary. but was made redundant as his boss wanted early retirement and closed the company.

In Feb 2011 dd was born and I am now 6 months pregnant with DC2 which is what we both wanted, we are delighted after trying for a year that I fell pregnant and feel very blessed.

I do a bit of book keeping in the evening when dd is in bed, but this pays only about £200 pcm. DP had a huge amount of savings and this is how we have managed to survive and pay the mortgage on his flat and live frugally for the past 2 years. (He had the flat before we met, we have been together for 5 years but not married - both fine with this.)

He has had job interviews (not many) but nothing has come of them. He is a wonderful man and father, but without a doubt, the type who waits for opportunities to come to him, rather than seeking them out.

I am now entering the third year of him unemployed and it is unbearable. He has been at home with me EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 2 years and it is stifling. I take dd to as many classes/groups as I can to give us space but he is depressed (although refuses to admit it) as he has nothing to get up for.

I have tried everything, GP. counsellor, life coach, friends, family getting involved - I even got him a temp job but he wants another high level corporate job and refuses to settle for anything less.

I have now reached the end of what I can do for him. He will not listen to me or our family and I am at my wits end. Our money is literally about to run out. I have no income to move into my own place to give him the kick up the ass that he needs and also don't want to take the children away from him as dd and soon to be dc2 is his only purpose and focus.

Every day he gets up late, goes online or reads, watches the lunchtime news and does nothing. I give him jobs to do and force him to take dd to soft play and out in the afternoon so he has a focus. He does go the gym regularly which is something but it is like living with a depressed man of retirement age. I now am struggling to keep smiling and am becoming so stressed worrying about the future for us as a family.

Returning to work is not an option until I've had the baby and even then I would not be able to earn what he did and I don't think as a SAHD he would take both children out regularly and give them the interaction they need.

I don't know what to do - it is literally a case of he refuses to work. He won't make any effort and whatever suggestion you throw at him to retrain, try a different career he rejects it and won't help himself. I love him but cannot live this life for any longer - it's really affecting my health and wellbeing.

HollyBerryBush Tue 08-Jan-13 17:27:41

Round of applause for AThingInYourLife

The first thing that crossed my mind was, you liked him enough when he had a big salary, and you have co-spent his money, now he's just annoying you. You haven't given his age, but if he's over 40 he'll find it hard to get a job at the same level. Good enough to father your children but just not good enough when he's earning.

So why haven't YOU increased your book keeping job and stepped up to the mark?

Get a backbone and earn to keep yourself. It's you that is the passenger in this relationship.

letseatgrandma Tue 08-Jan-13 17:36:54

Why on earth did you get pregnant on purpose?!

Sounds to me like neither of you really wanted to get a full time job but you knew the money was running out so have put yourself out of danger of being the one that has to get a proper job. Earning £200 a month in the evenings was never going to pay all the bills.

NoToast Tue 08-Jan-13 17:41:18

My DP is pretty much the same, it's driving me nuts and is the reason we're not having a second child (although in our case I work and have the house and savings)...I'm waiting for a good solution on here!

Good luck op.

SarahWarahWoo Tue 08-Jan-13 17:53:45

You have my sympathy, something has to change. Can you get a few hours of child care arranged to take him out or a drink (coffee or something stronger) on neutral territory to ask him frankly in a non accusatory way what is his plan is? If he hasn't got one ask him to come back to you with one. The money is gone, he isn't signing on, he isn't actively applying for jobs so what next?

FutTheShuckUp Tue 08-Jan-13 18:07:42

No sympathy here im afraid not when people dont help themselves like the OP and her partner

FutTheShuckUp Tue 08-Jan-13 18:08:34

Can I ask OP why you havent considered working full time?

LineRunner Tue 08-Jan-13 18:34:26

OP, it seems to me that you have the following options:

1. You work full-time and leave the childcare to DP. You will then have to let him get on with it, his way, to a large extent.

2. You leave DP and bring the DCs up on your own, working full- or part-time and claiming tax credits and other available help. (At some point he would have to work, surely, if he has no money left, and you can claim child support from him, or maybe return to him.)

3. You somehow persuade DP to look for and get a job, in the near future.

You seem to be ruling out 3, as that's why you posted on here, so you kind of have to choose between 1 and 2. Your heart appears to be ruling out 2, so you are left with 1. But you don't like 1, because you don't think he'll do it properly. So it's back to 2.

Good luck.

grobagsforever Tue 08-Jan-13 21:35:15

Good Lord. Speechless. How irresponsible.

PanickingIdiot Wed 09-Jan-13 11:13:04

Unlike some other posters I understand why you both wanted the second baby and don't see anything fundamentally wrong with that decision - surely neither of you expected your partner's unemployment to be anything but temporary and in the grand scheme of things the timing made sense - fair enough.

BUT, there's a lot of truth in what people are saying about both of you having equal responsibility to work and provide for your children, either by earning a living or by raising the kids. It looks like you do most of the child-raising and also a little bit of the money-earning, while he does zilch.

I would sit him down and tell him he has to start pulling his weight: either he gets a job asap, or you are, and he's staying at home and does the childcare so you can work proper hours for a proper wage. This will either give him the kick in the arse he needs to step up his jobseeking efforts, or, if he's such a great dad, I don't see how he can't look after his own children while you go back to work after maternity leave (or equivalent). I found your comment about him not being able to give the kids the interaction they need baffling, to be honest. Why on earth not? He has nothing else to do all day! He may also realise that it makes more sense for him to work rather than you if he really can command a higher salary, but the point is, he has to start doing SOMETHING, and so do you.

Good luck.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 11:37:40

"surely neither of you expected your partner's unemployment to be anything but temporary"

On what basis could they expect a man who had been unemployed for a year and a half and who wasn't making any effort to find work to suddenly land a job?

He was made redundant 2 years ago. She's 6 months pregnant.

StuntGirl Wed 09-Jan-13 11:59:15

I commented on the fact he needed to get a job based off their current situation; while finding employment at 6 months pregnant isn't impossible it is likely difficult.

I wholeheartedly agree with everyone else though that there was absolutely no reason why, over the last 2 years you haven't got a job yourself. Bookkeeping is hardly a simple job either, it's one in fairly decent demand and requires specialist skills - which you have. You could have been earning yourself and alleviating some of the financial problems here.

PanickingIdiot Wed 09-Jan-13 12:07:00

AThing - fair enough. I probably would have agreed to the second kid only on condition that he gets a job (any job) first. It seems to me that the problem is his attitude, not the job market or the economy - he's well qualified and had a decent career before, so it's not unreasonable to think he won't be unemployed very long unless he wants to be.

Mumsyblouse Wed 09-Jan-13 12:15:26

We always decided that if my dh lost his job we would both apply for full time jobs and the first one to get one would be the one to work at that time.

This is exactly what happened to us, my husband lost his job, we both looked for jobs, I got the first one and I went back to work when my 2nd child was about 6 months old. You can't apply when 6 months pregnant (well you can but hard to get work in that situation) but you could in another 3/4 months and go back early.

I know it's not what you want, I didn't want to be the breadwinner either, but needs must, plus my husband did get work eventually and I love working so don't want to stop either.

EldritchCleavage Wed 09-Jan-13 12:23:54

Some of the posts on this thread make a lot of sense but have been put in unnecessarily harsh terms, I have to say.

OP, I completely agree with LineRunner. And if your DP is so depressed that you feel he is not capable of looking after your children, then you have to go it alone.

I do understand you finding it hard that your DP has acted as he has, but disagree that you should put it all down to depression and act accordingly. HE has a responsibility to himself and above all your child(ren) to do what it takes to get better, and he isn't.

Nevertheless, you got into this current pass together, and whatever you choose to do will be a lot easier for you if you manage to get over your resentment with him.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 12:24:30

when i first got pregnant, then P and I were both working, he lost his job (hes a dick), so i was the one earning, eventually he got a job, and i stopped working after DD was born, OP, if he didnt want to get a job in those 2 years, you could have.

goodygumdrops Wed 09-Jan-13 12:32:23

Im afraid i agree with Thing and DontmindifIdo. You are blaming it all on him. You are equally as responsible and should be looking for a full time job too. It is a difficult job market which is why you should both be trying until one of you has some luck.

honeytea Wed 09-Jan-13 12:46:41

I don't understand why you would have childcare costs if you worked full time because your DP the children's father would be at home and able to look after them. You said yourself he is a wonderful father, a wonderful father is in my opinion able to keep a small child entertained and safe whilst the mother works.

you are adding to the situation by looking to him to find a solution to the job issues, you are both able adults you can both look for work.

By deciding to have DC2 in a situation where the family income is 200 pounds for 4 people you have made the decision to accept that. It is all very well to want a certian age gap or a sibling for your child but if there is not enough money to feed and house a family then another child really isn't a good idea.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 12:49:32

Also, with just £200 to support 4, your gonna have to bite the bullet and claim benefits, you cant support 2 kids on love.

Bobyan Wed 09-Jan-13 14:40:05

You have both been totally irresponsible.
I have much sympathy for your children, having two parents with such a sense of entitlement and no sense of their responsibility. Poor baby.

vintagewarrior Wed 09-Jan-13 14:46:10

We'd all love another baby, but some of us don't get pregnant when we can't afford it, then claim tax credits. You both sound lazy & entitled to me.
Get a grip.

Feminine Wed 09-Jan-13 14:58:15

I think op thought her partner would get a job, she hoped he would.

She probably thought h would 'fix' it...he has let her down.

I can understand the pregnancy, ticking clocks and wanting to nurture a family are powerful feelings. Its the kind of situation where (IMO) op thought the next day would bring better things...only it never did.

We all have a breaking point, a point where positive thinking wears then. I suspect this is what has happened here.

For a while things are cloudy ...then they are not. That is why this post came about.

op I have no advice but YANBU , you are stuck between a rock and a hard place it seems. Try and get your DP to see a doctor though, its only fair to eliminate medical reasons.


chubbychipmonk Wed 09-Jan-13 16:20:23

Just wanted to send you a big hug & let you know that I have been in the same position and posted a thread on here very recently about it.

My DH was made redundant and was out of work for 2 years, during this time I became pregnant, worked full time & he became the SAHD.

It was a horrible, hugely frustrating time for me as like you I wanted him to just get out and get a job but he was very adamant there was no point in him getting a job at minimum wage to then have to pay for child care. We also had savings which payed the bills & it was only really when these weeks about to run out that he stepped up a gear on the job searching.

Much as he was a great SAHD, and did his share of the housework etc I HATED the fact he was always in the house, got to stay at home & that I never got any time to myself, that alone is a huge strain. He did however sign on so at least took responsibility there. He has since got a job & I can honestly say I don't miss him when he's out at work one bit, it's not healthy to have someone living under your feet.

Just really wanted to give you a hug & tell you that your not the only one going through this or who has been through this, I know it gets hard to ever see any light at the end of the tunnel however you'll get there.

That being said however I do agree with other posters that he doesn't really seem to be pulling his weight, if he's not willing to see GP about depression, or willing to sign on or willing to really step up to the plate with regard to child care, housework etc then maybe it's time he had a reality check coz there's gonna surely come a point when you finally snap.

Good luck x

sarahtigh Wed 09-Jan-13 16:36:19

While I feel very sorry for OP depression is not that easy to deal with either for sufferer or partner, being unwilling to get treatment is both part of the illness and part of the ongoing problem

but upthread someone gave bad advice saying you would have claim on flat you will not as not only did he own it pre- relationship his savings have been paying mortgage/ bills

she would have a claim to maintenance for children but not herself and as he is not working that is going to amount to £0 or maybe £5 off his benefits per week

you could offer an ultimatum but you have to really really mean it and of course you can only so it once

he could be SAHD but you do not want that but maybe he would that needs discussion, it is up to him to parent not to parent the way you want him to, parenting is a joint thing you do not have the veto card, however ou are both in a bad place and I sympathise with you both

attheendnow Wed 09-Jan-13 16:55:14

Thanks for all the responses so far, it's been really interesting to read all the different views on this.

AThingInYourLife - you come across as a thoroughly spiteful individual and I'm not going to respond to any of your points as you haven't clearly haven't read the thread properly and again are making wrong assumptions.

I hope you are never in a situation where you are told it is unlikely you are able to have children, but those who have will understand the desire for another child within a certain time frame and the panic of feeling 'against the clock'. Like I said I feel totally blessed that I am pregnant and am thankful for that.

One can spend their life waiting for circumstances to change, to get the perfect job, house etc then try and conceive but possibly by then it is too late...(I'll await all the right wing comments assuming we then must be feckless spongers that intend to carry on breeding and scrounge off the state for the rest of our lives.)

The insinuation that he was good enough when he was earning money and good enough to be used to father my children is grossly offensive.

You have no idea who got him to change his career and got him his job in finance in the first place, who tutored him through certain exams, who set him up with contacts and pushed for that job to be a reality - it was me. You have no idea what type of career he or I was doing when we met, what our agreement was regarding our life plan, who would be the provider and who would take on other responsibilites.

The argument that I should work full time is of course reasonable but this is a situation where someone sadly does not WANT to work, not can't work, God forbid he was ill or sick and that wasn't a possibility it would be a different situation, but this is a fit and healthy man. Again, you have no idea about the type of temporary jobs I have found him and attempted to secure for him - all are rejected.

Let's look at it very simply...say for example you and your partner have an agreement about the cleaning or cooking in your home. One day he doesn't do anymore cleaning, he refuses to do it and then is no valid reason to explain why. Why should YOU then have to do it all on top of what you already do? What is that teaching him that you will take the ultimate responsibility for him, because he just doesn't want to clean?

Anyway, thanks again for all the responses.

StuntGirl Wed 09-Jan-13 17:01:08

But why should he automatically be the breadwinner? You are clearly perfectly able of working yourself, and during a recession when work is scarce anyway between the two of you you should have tried to do whatever it takes to earn money, even if that means you being the one who earns a wage.

I don't think athing has been spiteful at all, I think she's just stating the truth very plainly and bluntly.

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