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To not want to deal with DP anymore?

(109 Posts)
attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:34:17

MY DP has been out of work for over two years now. In Jan 2011 he was working in finance with a generous salary. but was made redundant as his boss wanted early retirement and closed the company.

In Feb 2011 dd was born and I am now 6 months pregnant with DC2 which is what we both wanted, we are delighted after trying for a year that I fell pregnant and feel very blessed.

I do a bit of book keeping in the evening when dd is in bed, but this pays only about £200 pcm. DP had a huge amount of savings and this is how we have managed to survive and pay the mortgage on his flat and live frugally for the past 2 years. (He had the flat before we met, we have been together for 5 years but not married - both fine with this.)

He has had job interviews (not many) but nothing has come of them. He is a wonderful man and father, but without a doubt, the type who waits for opportunities to come to him, rather than seeking them out.

I am now entering the third year of him unemployed and it is unbearable. He has been at home with me EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 2 years and it is stifling. I take dd to as many classes/groups as I can to give us space but he is depressed (although refuses to admit it) as he has nothing to get up for.

I have tried everything, GP. counsellor, life coach, friends, family getting involved - I even got him a temp job but he wants another high level corporate job and refuses to settle for anything less.

I have now reached the end of what I can do for him. He will not listen to me or our family and I am at my wits end. Our money is literally about to run out. I have no income to move into my own place to give him the kick up the ass that he needs and also don't want to take the children away from him as dd and soon to be dc2 is his only purpose and focus.

Every day he gets up late, goes online or reads, watches the lunchtime news and does nothing. I give him jobs to do and force him to take dd to soft play and out in the afternoon so he has a focus. He does go the gym regularly which is something but it is like living with a depressed man of retirement age. I now am struggling to keep smiling and am becoming so stressed worrying about the future for us as a family.

Returning to work is not an option until I've had the baby and even then I would not be able to earn what he did and I don't think as a SAHD he would take both children out regularly and give them the interaction they need.

I don't know what to do - it is literally a case of he refuses to work. He won't make any effort and whatever suggestion you throw at him to retrain, try a different career he rejects it and won't help himself. I love him but cannot live this life for any longer - it's really affecting my health and wellbeing.

Iamsparklyknickers Tue 08-Jan-13 15:37:00

Would he consider having a look at jobs on people per hour or It might get him back in the swing of things so to speak.

Either way I think the other posters advice about protecting yourself is wise.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 15:59:58

DirtymistressTue 08-Jan-13 15:36:25
Can I ask why you decided to have another baby?

Because I love him, he is a wonderful father to our dd and she has brought us happiness and joy in abundance. We always wanted and agreed we would try for 2 children with a 2 year age gap and knowing it took me so long to try for dd1, I didn't want to wait for years and then try for another baby.

Other factors as previously outlined would be for me to return to work when they were both at school together so I could throw myself back into my career without having to take a long period of time out or come out and then go back in and then come back out again.

As it took a year to conceive dc2 I know we have made the right decision and feel so blessed to be pregnant again. DD having a sibling for the rest of her life outweighs anyother factors as I know one day I will have the earning capacity to support them both if that situation arises.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 16:01:42

Thanks for all the other suggestions. I'm not going to upload his CV or search for him anymore as it's too exhausting and makes no difference.

I think I will have one final chat with him and then book to see citizens advice and tell him I am doing this as there are no other options sadly left.

AThingInYourLife Tue 08-Jan-13 16:18:04

How much you love your partner is kind of beside the point when you are deciding to bring a child into a family where nobody works.

Your DP is longterm unemployed, and you work for pin money.

You are now pregnant and have a toddler and no way to look after either child.

You have both been unbelievably irresponsible.

Now you've spent all his money and got knocked up again you're off to get supported by the public purse.

You've had two years to get yourself a job. Why haven't you tried?

Why is he so lazy and you so virtuous?

At least he was spending his own money.

SantasENormaSnob Tue 08-Jan-13 16:28:30

Agree athing.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 16:31:44

Wow AThingInYourLife you sound angry and bitter and also very judgemental making wrong assumptions.

I do have a job, I work in the evenings after looking after my dd all day.

I haven't spent 'all his money at all' his savings and my small salary have enabled us to pay essential bills and feed ourselves. I'm not off 'shopping and spending his money' as you wrongly insinuate.You have no idea about our standard of living, what we compromise and budget on.

I've looked into working full time but the childcare costs wouldn't cover my salary - that's a problem just in case you're not aware.

Now, do run along back to your perfect life. Must be wonderful for you to have worked full time and afforded your children with no hardship or unforseen circumstances along the way...

You also say we are deciding to bring children into a family where no one works. We were both working when I was pregnant with dd1 and I am still working now, so do read the facts before wrongly judging (again).

MrsHoarder Tue 08-Jan-13 16:33:06

Why doesn't he look after his dd all day? And then you can work full time.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Tue 08-Jan-13 16:34:57

You will have a claim on his property, you've lived there for five years, two of which you have been earning the only income into the household, and you are the mother of his children and it is their home.
Get some proper legal advice, maybe throwing him out and you and the children living there will be the kick up the arse he needs to get him moving. They are his children too and they need him to provide for them somehow since you can't.

Dahlen Tue 08-Jan-13 16:38:35

Realistically speaking, no way is the OP going to get a job at 6 months pregnant.

Whether or not she's been irresponsible in conceiving another child is irrelevant. Point is, said child is on the way, and no judgement is going to alter that.

All that can be done now is look to the future and a solution for this mess. The time for reflection will come afterwards.

The OP's DP clearly cannot be relied upon to change anything and improve things, so it'd down to the OP to start building that solution herself.

worsestershiresauce Tue 08-Jan-13 16:39:08

Jobs in finance are very hard to come by, as most big employers have cut staff heavily. Would he be willing to sign up for some additional qualifications in areas like risk, compliance, controls, and new regulations? These areas are still recruiting, and the focus of study might be helpful to him.

In the meantime have a look at temping work, as he will get a better hourly rate contracting than in a full time role. Many employers are relying on contract staff at the moment to keep their salary costs manageable in the short term rather than committing to more permanent staff. One advantage of temp work is it can be a toe in the door and lead to a permanent role. Also, if you are good your boss may well recommend you to a friend who is recruiting full time staff in another company. Contacts are very important in business.

Good luck.

minouminou Tue 08-Jan-13 16:43:50

Good advice there, Worsester.

DontmindifIdo Tue 08-Jan-13 16:44:12

Why can't you work now? Why can't you sign on to temp agencies to at least bring a little extra into the family income between now and having the baby? He's at home, so you dont have childcare issues if you get an odd day here and there.

You need to stop acting like it's all his fault for not providing you with the situation you wanted, you deal with the one you've got, your decision to have 2 DCs with a 2 year gap was perfectly reasonable when you first took it when he was working, when he was unemployed, you were then a family in a bad situation, you apear to have decided you are entitled to carry on your life plan and are just angry he's not enabling you to do that.

You need to stop blaming your DP entirely for this situation, it is equally of your making - you haven't looked for a full time job either.

Now, you are in a shitty situation, ways you can fix this include you could a) try to sit him down and ask him what does he think is going to happen in X months time when the money runs out and could you start planning together for it, tell him you don't think it's entirely his responsibility, but you need to get a plan together and waiting for the flat to be repossessed isn't a plan. b)get to citizens advice, look at leaving him (which does look grabby, you waited until the money ran out!) c) agree with him, the job market for his old job is bad, so he's either goign to be unemployed for the rest of his life or he's goingto have to get a different job, and what does want to do (saying that nothing is not an option).

The job market is a lot better now than it was in 2011, however he's not worked in a long time, he needs to accept that he won't walk back into a job at the level he walked out. You also need to accept this. You might need to work too once you've had DC2.

ll31 Tue 08-Jan-13 16:44:22

In fairness to athing you're only earning 200 per month so her point is relevant tbh. .. I think tho the fact that u both 'wilfully' went thru all savings, without any kind of plan would get to me while simultaneously making every effort to get pregnant. .. it just seems reckless .. but maybe you leaving will get dp to see he must make effort. ..

AThingInYourLife Tue 08-Jan-13 16:49:29

You decided to continue with you plan for a 2 year gap between children despite the fact that neither of you was working

Evening work that brings in £200pcm is a second job.

Except neither of you had a first job.

How much you scrimped is irrelevant - between you you have blown through all his money while neither of you worked

Either of you could have tried to get a job. Neither of you did.

Why didn't you look for work and leave him to look after his daughter?

It's bullshit that you couldn't earn more than childcare - your childcare was free. Her father has been sitting around doing fuck all for two years - he could have looked after her.

You really need to cop the fuck on. You are in a disastrous situation entirely of your own making and your on here bellyaching about feeling "trapped" FFS.

You chose this.

And you are still planning to stay off work for another 4 years!


MonetsGardens Tue 08-Jan-13 16:50:30

I'm not sure why he is getting all the blame tbh. You had 2 children with neither of you having a stable job. You frittered away all of his savings whilst living in his flat. And now the moneys running out, all of a sudden it's just HIM who is in the wrong?
How many jobs have YOU applied for - if he's not working childcare isn't an issue surely?

And this thread is not going to go well for you unless you lose the snippy attitude. If you want to fix things, then you need to face some harsh realities

DontmindifIdo Tue 08-Jan-13 16:51:05

I don't see that the OP would have a claim on the property, if he pre-owned the flat and he paid all the mortgage from his savings, then she's not contributed, if her wages went into a joint account then maybe, but still, having DCs with someone you aren't married too doesn't give you a claim on their assets if you've not contributed to paying for them, only a claim for maintenance on their income, which is none. Even if he was still using savings to live, she wouldn't have a claim on that money.

justmatureenough2bdad Tue 08-Jan-13 16:51:37

this may not be the right thing to say, but if you accept that he is depressed, then I think you are being a bit is an illness and can be very difficult to deal with as, as you have said he won't recognise it like he might a physical illness.....if he had broken his spine (randon long-term injury) and had been unable to work for 2 years, would you be as dismissive?

again, this may be old-fashioned, but (assuming you are married) consider the vow "in sickness and in health"...if you loved him, you would keep trying...perhaps the answer is not just to try and send him off to help; perhaps he would value you there at hi side as he tries to cope with a massive smack to his self-confidence and he needs you to help him rebuild that.

i was rather ^ ^ at this "I am now entering the third year of him unemployed and it is unbearable. He has been at home with me EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 2 years and it is stifling. ".....this is not complimentary of your relationship!

sorry for rambling a bit, hope it makes sense

QuickLookBusy Tue 08-Jan-13 16:52:02

We do you need child are if your partner is at home all dayconfused

You are complaining a lot about him, but I think you could have just as easily have got a job, then you would have the choice as to wether or not to stay with him.

If I were you I'd have your baby then start looking for a job which will pay you more money. I would then leave the dc with your partner.

Emsmaman Tue 08-Jan-13 16:52:39

FWIW I got temp work at 5 months pregnant (end 2010 so bad job market then too), worked through until 5 weeks before DD's due date, same company would have had me working up till due date but I couldn't do the 2 hrs + commuting each day comfortably. So being 6 months pregnant doesn't automatically mean you can't find work, if a normal healthy pregnancy.

QuickLookBusy Tue 08-Jan-13 16:53:15


CheeseandPickledOnion Tue 08-Jan-13 16:58:11

Actually thing pretty much has it here.

You don't need child care costs, he can do the child care if he won't get off his arse. Then you can work full time, ok not for the same salary, but then you won't be on benifits and skint will you?

Say all you want, you both chose to get pregnant again knowing he DIDN'T HAVE A JOB and you earn fuck all. That is irresponsible so don't moan about the situation now, it's hasn't changed from when you decided to get pregnant again.

Either kick him out, get out yourself, or get a full time job. There, 3 choices.

Proudnscary Tue 08-Jan-13 16:58:43

Sorry really can't get past you getting pregnant. Whether or not it was 'what you both wanted' it was crazy. If you weren't pregnant you could get a job and support the family.

Your husband is horribly irresponsible (and yes probably depressed) if he expects only another high powered job. My dh has always, always said he would shelf stack in Tesco's if we lost our jobs. He means it.

Proudnscary Tue 08-Jan-13 16:59:56

And yes you could take temp work for God's sake.

This really makes me mad actually.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 17:07:33

We always decided that if my dh lost his job we would both apply for full time jobs and the first one to get one would be the one to work at that time. If i had been the one to get the job my dh would have carried on looking for work because he has greater earning potential than me and also needs the mental stimulation.

Personally i think that's what you should have done. Bit late now of course because you are heavily pregnant and i know from personal experience that its incredibly hard to get a full time job whilst expecting.

Its not right in my opinion that all the responsibility has been on him these last couple of years to get work. Im sure he's perfectly capable of looking after your child while you worked, even if it were just temporary. If being a stay at home parent isn't something he finds easy then that may have even given him the kick up the bum to get a job and for you to swap roles back again.

Depression and motivation when out of work is a nightmare and so hard to get out of. I have a lot of sympathy for him.

Also, you really should have some financial security in your relationship, such as your name on the property, marriage etc. Otherwise you could be together 20 years and walk away with nothing. Not a good position at all.

Proudnscary Tue 08-Jan-13 17:20:42

Talk about dragging feminism back into the dark ages. Why has the onus been on him to get a job? You are both parents, you both have a child, you both can work.

I work FT, my dh was SAHD for years - well still is but has his own business too. That was the way it worked out as he wanted to leave his job about 8 years ago, so we made it happen, I worked blooming hard and have a great career. We had kids when it was the right time and when we had the money!

He was at home, you could have found a job too. As fuckledoodlepoo says you could have seen who got a job first.

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