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to consider saying that dd2 can only be in play if dd1 is?

(53 Posts)
3birthdaybunnies Tue 08-Jan-13 07:12:19

I know that I am being a bit U but both girls want to audition for the school play (they are yr3 and yr1). Dd1 auditioned last time when she was in yr1, and didn't get a part, she was a bit upset, but got over it. Now this has come around again, dd1 is fairly philosophical, but would really like to do it. Dd2 wants to do it because dd1 is.

Dd1 has always enjoyed getting up in assemblies, she has a good singing voice and good sense of timing. Dd2 is more timid in assemblies, doesn't like the limelight much in big crowds, and although the play might be good for her confidence I would rather see her encouraged more too join in in assemblies than thrown in at deep end. She is however more petite and dainty than dd1. Both girls have wonderful qualities, but dd1 is more of a natural performer. They have had different teachers in the school, so whoever is running the auditions probably won't know both girls well.

I wouldn't mind if neither of them got a part (well I would a bit, but we'd get over it), or if both of them did, but I just feel that it would be a 5 month source of tension in the family if dd2 does it and not dd1.

atthewelles Tue 08-Jan-13 16:17:11

Life isn't always fair and your dds are going to have to learn this at some point. I agree it would be very very annoying if the more talented child lost out simply because she doesn't have the right 'look' but denying your other child an opportunity to participate is not going to change that, it just means neither child will get the chance to be in the play. Also, if your younger daughter is very timid it might be good for her to get an opportunity to shine.

Mumsyblouse Tue 08-Jan-13 14:57:40

If you have two same sex children, close in age, there will always be this competition. Are you going to ask the school teachers if they can grade the children at Key Stage 1 the same, or both take part in the inter-school swimming competition? No, so leave well alone with the school play and whoever gets chosen gets chosen.

It doesn't sound like a very nice school though if lots of children are left out. In our school plays, anyone who wants to be in it is in it, but the main parts are auditioned for, so there's a place for everyone and few people have great parts anyway, most are in the chorus or backing singers or extras.

I really think you have to let go of trying to control the world to suit the emotional dynamic of your daughters. There will be so much more of this to come and I think keeping a hands-off approach and encouraging them to support one another (as you do if one gets a party invite and the other not) is the way to go, don't interfere.

RedHelenB Tue 08-Jan-13 14:39:25

My girls dance against each other sometimes in festivals. Such is life!

YouOldSlag Tue 08-Jan-13 10:24:12

Um YABU by the way

YouOldSlag Tue 08-Jan-13 10:23:59

It's a big life lesson to

1) deal with disappointment
2) relish different abilities in yourself and others.

You are wring to try and bend circumstances to suit your DDs. They have have to bend to fit with circumstances.

Startail Tue 08-Jan-13 10:11:01

If practises are after school then it would be very normal here for Mums to ask for both DCs to be involved because many of us have long school runs and there is absolutely nothing to do near school to occupy one DC while the other is at an after school club.

Otherwise YABU, however ours is a small school and I'm cheeky wink

VinegarTits Tue 08-Jan-13 10:10:03

yabu, my dog didnt get chosen for the xmas pantomine, but he took it well with some moral support from me

Floggingmolly Tue 08-Jan-13 10:06:06

I can't deny her the opportunity ?? It's a school play, not a season on Broadway...

mrsjay Tue 08-Jan-13 10:05:23

and you are creating little Divas tension for 5 months it is a school play hmm

mrsjay Tue 08-Jan-13 10:04:28

your children are 5 and 7ish ? and you want them to both get a part so they dont and you don't get upset, why don't you unclecnh let your dds develop their own personalities and likes and it is ok for them to be upset it really is, not everybody gets what they want,

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 08-Jan-13 10:02:05

Sorry that should be "if she doesn't get a part".

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 08-Jan-13 10:01:29

I feel your pain but I don't think there is much you can do. I suppose at a push you could ask if DD1 could be in the chorus if she does get a part as she's just so desperate to perform (rather it being a comparative thing with DD2) but it depends how much flexibility they might have in that respect as others will have missed out too...

DeWe Tue 08-Jan-13 09:53:17

I get exactly where you're coming from here.
My dd1 loves performing including rehearsals, and is good at it all round. Dd2 likes the buzz of doing the performances and is a good actress, but nothing like as good a singer for her age as dd1 is.

Dd2 is missing her hand, which does, in some contexts mean that sympathetic audition panel type things sometimes think "the poor little thing, we'll let her in" or "ooh look, we can use her in publicity-look how positively we discriminate..." (Otoh sometimes she gets "can't possibly have one of the von Trapp children missing their hand..." so it does work both ways)

So if dd1 and dd2 auditioned for something, dd1 would be upset not to get in, and dd2 would be "oh well". If dd2 got in and dd1 did, it would be a source of contention because dd2 would be "oh no I've got to go to boring rehearsals..." and then "oh I'm so excited, I've got the performance..." so it would be a constant rubbing it in, not deliberately, just because she speaks what she feels.

However, in your situation I don't think it would be fair. If your dd1 had got the part in year 1, and dd2 didn't, then you couldn't do anything about it. And I also think that, from the schools point of view, then it might look like you're trying to wangle dd1 to have a part, which, I know isn't your intention, but that's how it could come across.

I would make sure, though, that dd1 is very clear that dd2 might get a part and she doesn't. And make sure that she knows they will be looking at different parts, so they won't be competing against each other.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 08-Jan-13 09:30:42


You have to let them go for things if they want to, regardless of what the other one is doing/has done or whatever.

OmgATalkingOnion Tue 08-Jan-13 09:27:26

I have dts in the same class and one has a big part in the play and one is only reading out a couple of lines.

The one with the v small part 'auditioned' for practically all of it but only got a couple of lines to readsad. She would have been good too I think and she's guttedsad. (Doesn't help that many of the same old faces are always chosenhmm)

We had a few tears and I understand why she's so upset but I'm afraid she's going to have to accept it. No way am I going up there to complain. It's how it goes sometimes and she's ok with that. Just aboutwink

Your intention are good I suppose but yes YAB totally U!

FriendlyLadybird Tue 08-Jan-13 09:04:40

Personally I think the school is being unreasonable in expecting such young children to audition and face rejection. You know you are being unreasonable (and if you didn't when you posted, you do now).

But it sounds much more likely to me that DD1 will get a part and not DD2, because she's good at performing. Deep down, I think your worry is to do with the fact that you think DD2 is more conventionally pretty than DD1, and will therefore get more chances and find life easier?

I think these worries are unfounded because (a) talent really does count for something, and (b) children change

cory Tue 08-Jan-13 09:04:36

Think about what message that would be sending to your dd2: "there's no point in your trying for anything challenging because mummy has already decided you are not as good as dd1, and besides keeping dd1 in a good mood is more important than anything you might achieve."

The capabilities of these two girls are not written in stone, children learn and develop through taking risks, your dd1 has been allowed to do that without worrying about dd2; dd2 has to have the same right. It is not your job to decide once and for all who your child is.

My dd was one of those shy soft spoken children who sat at the outskirts of parties. She is now doing well in amateur dramatics and is hoping to apply to RADA.

I was always the bright child in my family; the confident one who joined in adult discussions and was made much of for my achievements. 40 years later my younger brother is far more eminent in our field than I am. We didn't see it coming for a long time. And he is still mildly resentful of that.

manicinsomniac Tue 08-Jan-13 08:39:28

sadly YABU, although I can see where you're coming from.

When I was little I used to do lots of plays outside school. I remeber one that my sister and I went through rounds of auditions for and I ended up with a part while she didn't. Cue 3 months of sulks and snide comments from her (she even drew a picture on paint on our BBC computer of me performing in the play and dying a horrible death!!)

However, she was on the county hickey team and I wouldn't have had a hope in hell of doing that.

Children are good at different things but I can understand that the conflict can be hard to handle.

HyvaPaiva Tue 08-Jan-13 08:34:27

I agree with the other posters who say it's your job to support your daughters and help them make sense of disappointments, moments when life seems unfair, and hard work. Also, I have a real problem with this 'to consider saying' as if your 'say' is the be-all and end-all. Will you 'say' in the future that DD2 can get a job only if DD1 is hired too? Of course you won't, that would be ridiculous because she would have to have worked hard and earned it, and it has nothing to do with your 'say'. You shouldn't undermine one's successes nor should you patronize the other by 'saying' essentially that one hangs on the other's coat-tails. It could create a very problematic relationship between your girls.

13Iggis Tue 08-Jan-13 08:31:51

Greythorne - I think one dd may be more conventionally pretty than the other!

13Iggis Tue 08-Jan-13 08:30:43

Assemblies and plays not necessarily the same - in an assembly, child is usually 'themselves' but reading or whatever. In a play you are a character - I think for some one would be much less daunting than the other.
Not all actors are loud and confident offstage.

Greythorne Tue 08-Jan-13 08:29:17

Just wondering why being dainty and petite is relevant to the question?

BellaVita Tue 08-Jan-13 08:27:16

Really? <<shakes head>>


'Tis life, thems are the knocks. You all need to get over it.

Itchywoolyjumper Tue 08-Jan-13 08:26:42

Please don't do this, this is the type of thing my mum used to do and will be horrible for both of your daughters, one will feel guilty and the other resentful.

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