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am i been unreasonable my daughters pregnant again

(136 Posts)
alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 10:58:06

hi everyone and a happy new year.need to unburden and need advice please.ive posted on here before regarding my daughter and my grandson. shes 17 and my gs is 15months i care for him full time have done since june last year as she couldnt cope with been a full time mum. ive just found yesturday shes pregnant again to a new lad shes about 5 weeks. why have another one when im looking after her first child. she states shes keeping the baby. ive said to her she cant cope and shes selfish not talking to her at the moment im mad angry and upset havent slept and just dont no what to do with her. i really feel like disowning her for sick of her shit shes making me feel ill. doctor wants me on antidepressents. where did i go so wrong.

tropical1 Mon 07-Jan-13 12:48:26

I have been through similar with my daughter. She had first DS at 17, then second DS at 18. They have both been removed by SS. (We have DS1). We then found out she was pregnant AGAIN with DD. She was removed at birth by SS.
My daughter is quite a bright girl, but does stupid things particularly where unsuitable men are concerned.
I don't know what the answer is, you cannot force her to have a termination or go for adoption. I hope it works out for you.

StuntGirl Mon 07-Jan-13 12:49:15

I think it is an exceptionally hard situation for all involved and I think you've handled it brilliantly so far. Not everyone could have made the sacrifices you have.

I think a frank discussion with her and the boyfriend is needed. Tell her you will be standing back and will not be providing any practical or financial support - they are the parents they must live up to their responsibilities now. I would also see if there is any additional support you can receive, or any advice from SS on how this situation might proceed. I think it's important some outside help is sought - for all of you. You cannot continue to be her back up plan, for your own sake and that of your children and grandson.

cfc Mon 07-Jan-13 12:50:06

happy2bhomely i think that's a great post. What you said about her being cared for during her pgcy is so poignant.

Mu1berryBush nobody has the right to pressure another into an abortion, ffs.

OP, i'm feeding at mo so can't expand, but if you enable her feckless behaviour you're really not doing her future self any favours. I feel for you.

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 12:51:33

yes ss are still involved she wont work with them she was never in when they was due to see her she never answered her phone to them in the end they were pissed off with her. she wont go to parenting classes or toddler groups with her son i take him now with my little girl.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 07-Jan-13 12:54:34

You have done so much for your grandson, this must feel like a slap in the face. If DD and this boyfriend have been together 8 months, it could be that he will step up and they will raise this new baby together. I think you are fearful that your 1st grandchild was almost like a practice baby and will grow up to feel he was put aside for his sibling, but you have provided him with a home and love and stability. It could yet turn out that your DD will settle and mature. You've done your bit, hope your DD's boyfriend's family can help out.

Mu1berryBush Mon 07-Jan-13 12:55:43

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alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 12:56:58

i no ive not helped her at all always wiping her arse and picking up the pieces its just hard to let go and stand back ive taken her son in i cannot do anymore .everytime she has another am i meant to take it in? im gonna stand back let her get on with it and theres no money any more gonna try the tough love for once in my life

shewhowines Mon 07-Jan-13 13:00:36

Well done Op. Stay strong. Tell her what you are doing. Everytime she complains or asks for help say

"I love you and always will, but it is now time for tough love. You have to stand on your own two feet."

Repeat constantly and stay firm until she gets the message and grows up.

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 13:01:31

she cannot cope she didnt with the first and i no she wont again. wish she would have an abortion and if i could make her i would for her sake and the unborn babys. by the way i dont actually agree with them but everyone has there opinion i just think in this situation one is needed

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 13:03:31

i will do its the only way now.Thanks everyone for taking time to listen read and advice me on this matter

happy2bhomely Mon 07-Jan-13 13:04:18

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Greensleeves Mon 07-Jan-13 13:06:29

I agree with everyone else who has said you must stop giving practical and financial assistance. You are bringing up her first child. You are doing more than enough. She needs to experience how difficult it is to be the responsible adult and the one the buck stops with.

Mulberry - your attitude is sick.

FuriousRox Mon 07-Jan-13 13:18:10

You sound so upset and aggrieved on behalf of her first baby, and rightly so.
But I just wonder if there is a chance that this time she will cope with a baby, esp if her bf is a steady sort of person. Maybe with support and advice from you, but not financial support, she might be able to make it work out.
Although it seems desperately unfair on her first child, is it not just possible that she will manage with her second? Maybe I'm too optimistic.

cfc Mon 07-Jan-13 13:18:25

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HopAndSkip Mon 07-Jan-13 13:37:16

I'm guessing dd was about 14/15 when she got pregnant. There is a big difference between that age and 17/18, especially as she is now in her own place, with a boyfriend. You've done well taking her son in, but is there any chance she actually resents not being able to look after him as she was so young, and now wants to make up for it with this child? It could be she see's ds more as your child than hers now, and that could be very hard whether she shows it or not. You can't expect a 15 year old to be a perfect parent. I'd say make it clear to her that you won't be helping money wise, but that if she needs to talk then you will be there for her. That is your job as a mother no matter what. Also, unless ss don't let her have ds alone, i'd try to increase their time together, especially before next dc is born, and then once she has settled with new baby try to talk about him moving back in with her with ss help if she's shown she's capable with the new baby. And let her know this is what you want to do.
I hope everything goes ok.

Amytheflag Mon 07-Jan-13 13:40:46

I feel kind of sorry for her. The daughter I mean. Maybe with the right kind of help this time round, now she's older, she might be able to cope and might develop enough to have her first child back too. It's not going to help to hear constantly how she can't do it and won't be able to do it and how stupid she is and how you are always wiping her arse for her. You provided her with financial support and obviously supported the child she already has but I wonder really how much emotional support she has and what kind of support she has had growing up.

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 13:50:44

you feel sorry for her get a grip please.shes had every support going emotional and financial and my point again is you dont give 1 child up and have another you take and care for that one before you have another.

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 13:53:56

she was 15 pregnant 16 when her son was born. now shes 17 and pregnant. if she cant cope first time how will she cope again her 1st is still only 15months old. some people just cant be parents im not 100per cent but i was pregnant with my daughter at 14. 15 when i had her and i did it i didnt give her up and didnt have ss involved

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 13:55:15

shes had all the support growing up. shes been so spoilt and had everything done for her thats the problem

Amytheflag Mon 07-Jan-13 14:12:34

Don't tell me to get a grip just because I offered a different opinion, of you were old enough to cope at 14/15, she could be at 17/18. People change a lot at that age and if you gave her the confidence that she could do it this time rather than being so negative, it might be the boost she needs to handle it properly. Who supported you when you were a teen mum?

Amytheflag Mon 07-Jan-13 14:12:53


alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 14:19:21

i did it myself ok and ive helped her enough ive took on her son for gods sake havent i i paid for all his stuff cots prams clothes.And shes given one kid up why have another you dont do that unless your heartless and selfish. you want me to be positive with her lol have a week in my life love

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 14:20:07

oh and how will she change in just 15 months thats how old her son is now. i dont think so

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 14:21:08


Amytheflag Mon 07-Jan-13 14:24:32

So you did it with no support from parents or a partner? Literally alone? Okay then.

I wasn't asking about money. I asked about emotional support. And you do give up one kid if you are constantly being told how you can't do it, how you you are too young, how "I managed at your age why can't you!", how he would be better with someone else because you are useless. I'm not saying any of that happened with you but I'm pointing out that there can be a lot of pressure when you are a new young mum and it can make you want to give up without being heartless.

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