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Asking if someone's pregnant when they're not

(78 Posts)
rebeccacraig0001 Mon 07-Jan-13 09:47:27

Not sure if this is the right place for this thread?? My question is : how sure must you be before you ask if someone is pregnant? Do you think some people ask as a kind of sideways bitchy remark that basically is a way of saying you're fat without having to say it? I've had a few people ask recently, one particular person at my husbands Xmas do who knows I have just had a baby (because her words were "Rebecca, you were pregnant LAST year, did you not learn your lesson") and it's really starting to get me down, especially as I have lost 2 stone and am back in my pre-baby jeans. Clearly I still look pregnant then....
Have you ever asked someone without them being pregnant? How did you react when they said they're not? Or what smart things can I say back, when what I really want to do is cry??

ZillionChocolate Tue 08-Jan-13 08:49:00

Sorry Horatia.

I think it's rude to ask people whether they are pregnant, or when they are going to be. Very personal issues which can be upsetting. MYOB!

fuzzypicklehead Tue 08-Jan-13 09:26:54

Oh god, people have done this to me several times. One bugger asked when I was due while I was interviewing him for a job! I brushed it off and did end up hiring him, and I'm sure he eventually worked out his mistake...

atthewelles Tue 08-Jan-13 10:33:57

I suffered from very bad fibroids a couple of years ago which made my stomach swell. It used to really upset me when people asked 'when are you due' and I was really surprised at the amount of people who did; including people I barely knew. Unless someone was practically going into labour in front of me I would never assume they were pregnant. You can seriously embarass and offend people by doing this.

TrazzleMISTLEtoes Tue 08-Jan-13 10:37:53

Ugh, work colleague commented when I was 7 months pregnant with DS " ooh, I didn't realise you we're pregnant, I just thought you were fat!" and then at Christmas party once DS was 3 months old "so, when IS the baby due then?"

bigfuckoffpie Tue 08-Jan-13 10:47:12

I remember after ttc for ages, having an IVF miscarriage then failed IVFs then an IVF which ended up in an ectopic my last remaining tube getting removed. I had to get surgery on my abdomen and my stomach was all wobbly afterwards.

I had someone come up to me at a barbecue a few weeks later who I had never seen before and didn't know, and said "So when are you due then?". I said "What?" and she said "When are you due?"

It was hideous. I blurted out, "I had a miscarriage earlier this year" and she looked really embarrassed and tried to pat my shoulder pityingly, but I was on the point of tears so just glared at her until she went away.

I don't think it's a very nice thing to ask - you can't possibly know someone's backstory or, if they are pg, whether or not they want people to know.

bottleofbeer Tue 08-Jan-13 10:58:51

I don't think you necessarily even have to look particularly pregnant to be asked this.

I have got a belly after four sections but I also think a bit of it is because I have had four and they were fairly closely spaced people got used to me being pregnant quite often so if I wore something that could be considered 'bump concealing' (anything empire line I suppose) people just assumed. I'm highly critical of my body but I've also really studied myself side on in clothing that's made people ask and been pretty sure I look fairly normal and not waddlingly pregnant. Childbearing age and anything floaty and I think people so assume, no matter what your body shape. So don't assume (if you're asked) it's because you've got a massive belly. Certain age and a bit of normal bloating and some nosy fool is going to ask.

BunFagFreddie Tue 08-Jan-13 11:05:35

" I'd gone in for a spray tan and had been told to wear something loose. I wore a floaty smock top for that exact reason and the first thing the beautician asked was when I was due. Although it's unintentional it's sooooo upsetting to be asked. So, in doubt? don't ask. Really. "

In all fairness, floaty smock tops aren't very flattering on most people and even slim women can look pregnant wearing one. I think it said more about your top than it did about you.

SpicyPear Tue 08-Jan-13 11:05:51

Feel for you OP. I really don't understand why so many people think it's okay to say something. I have never been pregnant but did have a major gynae op similar with procedure similar to a cs and so if I put on any weight or bloat up around my period it tends to form a belly. Twice in the last six months people have commented and I know others have thought it. It's mortifying. No one should feel their body is being scrutinised or have to explain their shape. Makes my blood boil.

Glitterspy Tue 08-Jan-13 11:10:56

I find people often don't even ask, they just assume - total strangers asking "how long" "when's it due" "boy or girl" etc. I do find it awkward and intrusive, but I just think to myself well it probably comes from a good place and they're just trying to be nice. And try to not mind!

HavingALittleFaithBaby Tue 08-Jan-13 11:11:01

I ended up in hospital last night long story and webt and asked for an extra pillow to 'support the bump'. The HCA said Oh so you are pregnant then?! but better that she thought I probably was pregnant but didn't ask til I mentioned it! smile (Am home now!)

bottleofbeer Tue 08-Jan-13 11:15:49

No, they're not particularly flattering and yes, it probably was the top that made her ask.

Key point is that she asked if I was. So, unsure? don't ask. It made the whole appointment embarrassing and uncomfortable for both of us and took the shine right off pre-weding stuff.

Mu1berryBush Tue 08-Jan-13 11:18:21

I go by that rule too, if you're not sure, don't ask but when I said congratulations to htat girl (further up thread) I thought I was sure confused

Piggychunk Tue 08-Jan-13 11:21:52

I took my son for his MMR and the nurse said to be you haven't got long to go.. I wasn't pg and how fat must my belly look if she though I 8-9 months gone... Never will forget sad

ginmakesitallok Tue 08-Jan-13 11:25:32

I've been asked quite a few times blush Once a girl asked "So, when are you due?" I just replied "I'm not pregnant", to which she replied "Are you sure??" FFS

Was going for a cig in work when some prat said "you shouldn't be doing that in your condition..", "What, fat???" was my reply

Was asked again by someone just before Christmas, I told her I was just fat. She was mortified and chased me down the corridor saying "I'm so sorry, I never meant, it's just that..." At least she had the decency to realise she'd been rude.

I carry all my weight round my tummy - so DO look pregnant sometimes. I need to lose weight...

bottleofbeer Tue 08-Jan-13 11:26:42

It can be really confidence shattering but try and put it in perspective. Women tend to carry a bit of weight on their stomach anyway, you had a young child with you so she probably unconsciously put you in the zone of the baby years.

It could have been the way you were sitting, the clothes you were wearing rather than some massive belly. I've seen very slim women in empire type dresses (particularly in Summer when all the floaty dresses were the in thing) a slight curve of the stomach and you can look twice and wonder. It's really not necessarily a weight thing.

Mu1berryBush Tue 08-Jan-13 11:32:36

Yes, and in fact, a slim woman with a belly can make you think, oh definitely not a fat woman so therefore she must be pregnant. especially if she has a toddler.

FunnysInLaJardin Tue 08-Jan-13 11:37:52

I've been asked once or twice over the years. It does take you aback and can be quite upsetting. It really is the one thing you should never ever ask

LilBlondePessimist Tue 08-Jan-13 11:37:55

I was once asked by a not very close friend who I hadn't seen for a good while 'Oh my, is that you having another baby?' (I only had two at the time. I answered with 'No, no, I'm just fat, that's all', and she started wittering on incontrollably that, no, it was that my boobs looked really big, much bigger than before, it was nothing to do with my stomach etc etc. It actually ended up being more cringe worthy for her than me. I just repeated that my boobs were bigger because I was fat. She pretty much left it there. smile

BunFagFreddie Tue 08-Jan-13 11:39:01

bottleofbeer, the day before your wedding is probably the worst time for it to happen.

Sometimes I look 6 months pregnant when I have trapped wind!

Viviennemary Tue 08-Jan-13 11:45:03

I don't think you should ever ask. Even if you think it's blatantly obvious. Because the person might still not be.

slatternlymother Tue 08-Jan-13 11:47:43

I don't ask even when people obviously are. Like, clear beachball sized bump and skinny everywhere else. Can you imagine asking and it was just part of an illness or something? shock

imogengladhart Tue 08-Jan-13 11:58:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bottleofbeer Tue 08-Jan-13 13:08:33

I've noticed I get a bit bloaty if I eat a lot of bread. So if I'm going out and wearing something that could possibly show up my belly I'll cut it out for a few days and it does go down considerably.

Thing is if you have kids and you're still in your chldbearing years people raise an eyebrow if you're out and not drinking or if you say you fancy a certain thing to eat. Just the way it is! I have no problem telling people it's not possible since I've been sterilised, I used to consider that a really private thing but it does stop the endless questions of "having more?" "oh, not drinking eh? wink wink!".

13Iggis Tue 08-Jan-13 13:16:56

I got to 38 weeks before some people I know finally realised it was not just fat - guess I know much more thoughtful people than some of you on this thread have had to put up with!

HungryHippo89 Tue 08-Jan-13 13:19:51

This happened to me on Christmas Eve ... my DP and I had one of his old school friends and wife round for a catch-up .. we probably haven't seen them in about a year and after the initial "hi - How are you's" OH friend turned to me and said "I'm not calling you fat but are you pregnant ..." Fortunately i'm not easily offended ... but still ... I would always go with the if you don't know .. don't ask ...

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