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To think my ds dies not need a 'bloody good hiding'

(179 Posts)
mamasmissionimpossible Sat 05-Jan-13 21:24:04

So I'm staying at parents as we are having our home redecorated before a move.

My ds is 7. He came home from a party today and was being aggressive (hiting the walls)and calling me names. my parents overhear all this.

I want to discipline without smacking as I just don't see it as a useful method if discipline. My father doesn't agree and says if ds did this behaviour with him in charge he would give him ' a bloody good hiding'. I feel so upset he could do that and know it wouldn't work long term. Df thinks he will be a delinquent teen with the behaviour he us showing.

After ds calmed down. He apologised to me (without prompting) and I explained why his behaviour was unacceptable.

Just looking for reassurance from mn that I don't need to use physical discipline to get him to behave.

I found out after the event that he hadn't had any tea at the party, which often has a negative effect on his behaviour.

WorraLiberty Sat 05-Jan-13 22:51:10

I agree it's a generational thing.

It must be quite frustrating for older generations to sit by and hear parents saying things like, "You're going on the naughty step when you get home" (maybe a couple of hours later) or "You'll miss your bedtime story tonight" when the bad behaviour is happening then and there.

If they used to nip it in the bud straight away with a swift smack on the back of the legs, (as my parents did) I can see why they find it frustrating.

That's not to say I advocate smacking now as times have changed, but it was certainly effective for me and my siblings when we were being little fuckers.

Greensleeves Sat 05-Jan-13 22:52:29

I'll be the MNer you were expecting then

I think smacking children is bullying, weak, cowardly behaviour. Unimaginative, lazy parenting and makes me think the parent concerned is either horrible or a bit thick (or both).

If my father had said what yours did, I would have told him that he was to keep his unreconstructed dinosaur attitudes to himself, and if he ever laid so much as a finger on one of my children he would be out of their lives quicker than Concorde.

If you can't manage without hitting somebody who is smaller than you then you are a pathetic specimen, and I feel sorry for you and sorrier for your kids.

deleted203 Sat 05-Jan-13 22:56:12

Ah..there's the one. Intolerant, bigoted and always right wink.

TidyDancer Sat 05-Jan-13 22:58:26

I am surprised anyone has admitted to smacking tbh. sad

Greensleeves Sat 05-Jan-13 23:00:15

Yep, intolerant. Of badly behaved adults who can't keep their hands to themselves and whose mothers didn't teach them not to solve their problems with violence.

catgirl1976geesealaying Sat 05-Jan-13 23:02:13

I was occasionally smacked

I really don't think if affected my relationship with my mother at all

TheSecondComing Sat 05-Jan-13 23:02:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymistletoe Sat 05-Jan-13 23:03:54

I don't like smacking. I was smacked. I still trust my parents, I get that it was a generational thing.

In saying that your son's behaviour was awful and the fact that you say he had no tea makes you sound like one of those horrible parents who think of ridiculous excuses instead of acknowledging how naughty their little angels are!

I'm not sure a lack of bedtime story would be enough to appease a grandfather who has to witness his grandson be a total brat in his home! Sorry.

WorraLiberty Sat 05-Jan-13 23:05:49

It's interesting to see how intolerant some people are of past generations.

For example, parents were actually advised on how to smack their children by professional people.

Teachers were taught how to administer the cane correctly in schools.

This is how life was back then. It didn't necessarily make them horrible people...they were actually following guidelines on how to discipline.

BelleoftheFall Sat 05-Jan-13 23:05:57

I'm close to my parents but I remember very clearly the times they lost their temper and smacked me. We discussed it once and the number of incidences we remembered were around the same. I found it unsettling that the memories stayed so firmly despite how young I was...yanbu.

minouminou Sat 05-Jan-13 23:08:22

Have to say (I was rarely smacked as a child), my WORST punishment was to lose my bedtime story.
It cast a massive dark cloud over my day.
When I was older, I used to get half an hour to read before lights out.....I used to feel sick if I knew I'd lost it.

It may be a big punishment for the OP's DS. I would actually have preferred a swift clout!
I think my mum had me pegged.....

spoonsspoonsspoons Sat 05-Jan-13 23:09:31

On the 2 against 1 thing. I am a middle child, I was never the 1.

Posterofapombear Sat 05-Jan-13 23:11:14

OP you really need to sort better discipline than this now. He will be bigger than you sooner than you think and then it will be too late.

What he did was not acceptable at all especially in someone else's home.

I don't recommend smacking but he need some boundaries that are far less wet or you are going to find yourself in heaps of trouble.

spoonsspoonsspoons Sat 05-Jan-13 23:11:36

oops wrong thread

waltermittymistletoe Sat 05-Jan-13 23:12:52

grin @ spoons!

AGiddyKipperInOneHand Sat 05-Jan-13 23:15:10

It's your parenting, and your choice. Your father was not in charge, and just as well, as hitting him would have been a ridiculous and childish response. I have smacked my children (well done for being so determined not to, I wish I had had your resolve).

It is possible for someone to be agitated if they skip a meal, and look at it this way - your DS hit a wall, not another person, so he showed a degree of control there!

Now you know not eating can have this affect on him, you can help by packing a few healthy biscuits or other snacks for him when he's out.

Rhubarbgarden Sat 05-Jan-13 23:15:23

I also agree with sowornout. Times have changed. My parents could often be heard remarking "he needs a smack" about out of control children. They weren't bullies or evil, they simply did what most parents did in the seventies. I only got smacked once but I can clearly remember thinking that I deserved it, and it made me keep a check on my behaviour afterwards. I didn't resent my parents or lose trust or anything. We were/are very close.

I haven't smacked my own children and I don't intend to. I use the naughty step, removal of toys and treats etc an awful lot though. And sometimes when it's water off a duck's back I'm left wondering if seventies parenting didn't have something in it.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 05-Jan-13 23:20:04

You're nbu to not want to smack your child. That is your decision as a parent.

I was occasionally smacked (short sharp smack,never out of anger) by my parents as a child.. By age 5 they realised taking my books away from me was a far more effective punishment than anything else. After age 7 they realised making me go out to play when all I wanted to do was read was,in it's turn,far more effective. I am,as far as I know, a fairly well rounded adult.

With your father, it may well be a case of a different generational attitude. Regardless of how you do it,your DS was most definitely in need of discipline of some kind regarding the incident in question. You don't have to parent your child as your parents would though.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Sat 05-Jan-13 23:30:34

how did your parents react when your ds apologised?

WorraLiberty Sat 05-Jan-13 23:33:22

He didn't apologise, AreYou

The OP says she'll make him do it tomorrow for some reason.

WilsonFrickett Sat 05-Jan-13 23:38:20

Of course YANBU for not hitting your child. But you really need to think about the discipline methods you use. Part of disciplining is making sure that the injured party 'sees' that discipline has happened, and that amends have been made - I don't think cutting his bedtime story really qualifies.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Sat 05-Jan-13 23:39:07

Hang on,so the op ds was being aggressive,disrespectful and brattish in someone else's house and he hasnt apologised? Op what did you do when this behaviour started? Missed meal or not at 7 your D's should know better.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Sat 05-Jan-13 23:40:39

A missed bedtime story is not,IMO sufficient for abusive behaviour.

seeker Sat 05-Jan-13 23:44:52

I don't believe in smacking. At all. Ever.

But being aggressive, hitting walls and calling you names needs more than missing a bedtime story. Does he behave like this often?

alreadytaken Sat 05-Jan-13 23:48:02

I can't understand why no-one has pointed out that your df saying that boy needs a good hiding doesn't necessarily mean he'd give him one. It was a common expression when I was young but very few children had more than a quick slap. Children did get proper discipline, though. It was made quite clear that you wouldn't be allowed to behave like a brat and if you tried you might be on bread and water for a time, be locked in your room or something similar. Withdrawing a bedtime story is inadequate.

One of my nieces adopted the same wishy-washy attitude as you with her son and is now paying the price. No-one likes the boy, he's unhappy and they are now having to introduce much stricter discipline.

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