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to be angry with friend when it doesn't really affect me

(63 Posts)
landsahoy Sat 05-Jan-13 20:31:59

My friend is a nurse who works for the NHS, and in the past five years she has been off work over 3 years of that (this includes a year of maternity leave). She has massive chunks off work up to a year but as soon as sick pay runs out she gets miraculously better. Her problems range from intense migraines, rectal and vaginal bleeding to severe back pain and even laryngitis for four weeks. I do think she does suffer from some of these problems but not to the point where she needs to be off work for this length of time anyway. The problems seem to spontaneously clear up after a few months without any real answers to the cause. When we meet up a few times a week when she is off sick I rarely see any signs of problems apart from the odd limp. The time she had the severe migraines which allegedly rendered her debilitated, yet she could still manage to drive a 300 mile round trip every weekend to see relatives.

It is made worse by the fact the GP are willing to give her sick notes. She was given a three month sick note in November so she did not have to stress about work over xmas. Her workplace are being so accommodating it is nauseating and have meetings with her where they bend over backwards to support her.

She often brags about how well off she is and I have calculated she must have cost the NHS over £150,000 when you consider her sick pay and the need to cover her position when she is off. I think I would be well off if I sat at home and collected full pay.

I am almost at the point where I am not bothered if I never see her again.

KittyFane1 Sat 05-Jan-13 20:41:36

She may well be pulling a fast one and she seems to flaunt her pay and is able to do things but if the doctor and Occupational health think she's unfit for work, she's unfit for work.

KittyFane1 Sat 05-Jan-13 20:44:33

BTW, my Aunt who suffered dreadfully with Chronic fatigue and was off work for a year in total went on 3 holidays, travelled the country on weekend breaks, talked for England and loved her shopping trips... so I know where you're coming from. hmm

VictorAndBarry Sat 05-Jan-13 20:45:44

You don't sound like a friend, or not a sympathetic one. If she is taking the piss her employer will/ would have tackled it, they will know much more detail than you.

However, you have been very specific about her job and her conditionsn a public forum, for that you are definitely being unreasonable and some 'friend'.

landsahoy Sat 05-Jan-13 20:46:25

This is the same friend that told me she had leukaemia as a child but when I mentioned it in passing to her mum, she looked at me strangely and I must have her mistaken for someone else

VictorAndBarry Sat 05-Jan-13 20:49:35

I can see why you doubt it, esp with that extra drip feed.

Howver, I don't see why a real friend would practicaly name and shame her.

End the friendship if you doubt her morals and values, and move on.

cocoachannel Sat 05-Jan-13 20:50:21

I can't believe you have taken the time to calculate what she may have cost the NHS. Very unreasonable.

Two scenarios to consider - her symptoms are absolutely genuine and stress induced, so makes sense for them to reappear when she returns to work; she has a MH issue which is causing her to report symptoms to get out if work.

Either way she could use a sympathetic ear and a good friend.

landsahoy Sat 05-Jan-13 20:51:05

People put more details on here than I have, and I guarantee she won't read it

cocoachannel Sat 05-Jan-13 20:52:02

Hmm. Somewhat salient info to miss in the OP, but makes me lean Ben more to the fact that she may need support for MH issues.

landsahoy Sat 05-Jan-13 20:52:23

I have never heard of stress induced bleeding, but never mind hmm

KittyFane1 Sat 05-Jan-13 20:52:51

You don't sound like a friend, or not a sympathetic one.
It's hard to be sympathetic when someone often brags about how well off she is and I have calculated she must have cost the NHS over £150,000 when you consider her sick pay and the need to cover her position when she is off. though isn't it Victor?

VictorAndBarry Sat 05-Jan-13 20:53:08

Her boss might read it. You asked if I thought you were being unreasonable. I do think so.

I get why you doubt it, I don't get why, as a friend, you are sharing this.

cocoachannel Sat 05-Jan-13 20:53:29

Ben, who is this Ben? Sorry, should read 'even'.

<shreds English GCSE cert. Polishes amateur psychologist badge.>

Her employers will have looked into her problems far more closely than you. YABU and mean, and unsympathetic. If you don't like it or believe her end the friendship.

VictorAndBarry Sat 05-Jan-13 20:54:37

Kitty, I get that. I get the doubting, I get a hardworking friend being frustrated and pissed off.

I dn't get why she posts so much info about a friend on a public forum.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 05-Jan-13 20:55:06

She made up a childhood illness?! Sounds like there are serious problems there and not with her physical health.

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 05-Jan-13 20:55:09

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 05-Jan-13 20:57:36

Oh, and you're first post too Op?

50shadesofmeh Sat 05-Jan-13 20:58:26

Being a person who works for above mentioned employer and who has been off nearly 2 years out of the last 3 with pregnancy , PND and genuine illness I'm quite saddened that you as a supposed friend would judge your friend,
The only person your friend needs to explain herself too is her employer and believe me they don't make it easy for you to be off without genuine reason .

ShellyBoobs Sat 05-Jan-13 20:58:41

Oh yes, she's got MH issues and needs your support.

She can't possibly be a fucking skiving cunt taking the piss while 'working' in a public sector organisation. Oh no.

delmonton Sat 05-Jan-13 20:58:52

>>if the doctor and Occupational health think she's unfit for work, she's unfit for work.

Not a truism.

cocoachannel Sat 05-Jan-13 20:59:26

I had stress induced vaginal bleeding during pregnancy. Spotting and irregular periods may also be a stress symptom. Rectal bleeding can come from heamarroids, which can be a stress symptom.

Anyway, see this is goin to be one of those 'AIBU?', 'Yes', 'No I'm not type threads'. <Sigh>

50shadesofmeh Sat 05-Jan-13 21:00:22

Trying to work out if you are one of my so called friends? :-)

KittyFane1 Sat 05-Jan-13 21:01:22

Victor I think posting on here allows the OP to say things she possibly can't in RL. She can't tell this friend what she thinks so she's telling us. Illness is complicated and the OP probably won't break off the friendship because this person may be genuinely ill. The OP feels like she and others are being taken for a ride but can't be sure. It's a difficult position to be in.

SirBoobAlot Sat 05-Jan-13 21:01:34

OP YABU. If she has been ill for that long, she will be setting it in the neck from her employers. Be a better friend, or fuck off.

And Kitty, try actually researching Chronic Fatigue Syndrome before you start spreading the usual "She actually DID something, she can't possibly be ill!" bullshit.

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