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In being annoyed at this?

(54 Posts)
EricNorthmansFangBanger Sat 05-Jan-13 11:01:52

I have a feeling that I may be being unreasonable but thought I'd ask for the judgement of AIBU grin

Neither DH or myself drive. I'm due to have DC3 by ELCS next month. Since I was about 4 months pregnant, MIL offered to come up the night before to take DH and I to the hospital early on the day of ELCS. She would also be looking after DDs. We agreed and gave her the date we strongly suspected it was going to be on. We have mentioned the date 2 - 3 times since and double checked MIL was ok to still take us when my mum asked how we were planning to get to the hospital and childcare. MIL confirmed this was still fine.

DH starts a new job at the beginning of next month and his first actual week after training will be the week of ELCS. He will be able to have that day off but the week after we knew we would need help RE childcare as he starts work before nursery and school open. As I will be unable to do the school run via bus for the first few weeks, my mum was going to stay with us a few days and then halfway through the week MIL would come back up. I was hoping to take over the school run at 3 weeks post section.

I saw the consultant this week and he booked me in for the date we suspected. PIL visited yesterday and we confirmed that date. DH mentioned about MIL staying, to which FIL piped up about them being busy on those days. Basically, PIL bought a caravan almost 2 months ago now. They have been looking, not very much, for a site for their caravan to go on. It has been decided that on the day of ELCS and the day after they will be looking at prospective caravan sites with BIL and his wife. Nothing is booked yet, but it doesn't look like they will change those plans now.

MIL is a part time supply teacher. The week before ELCS is her schools half term. BIL is also a teacher and his half term is the week of ELCS. MIL will be working the first 3 days of that week, so they want to go on the Thursday/Friday and SIL will take a day off to go. DH is annoyed and upset at this, as he is wondering why they can't a) go on MIL half term week or b) go at the weekend of ELCS week. MIL pretty much said nothing apart from mentioning about my mum coming up instead. I've spoken to my mum, who will be able to come up and do what MIL was going to do, but she won't be able to come up the first half of the week after now, which leaves us in a sticky position RE childcare again. By the sounds, MIL isn't planning on coming up until the week after now so will not see DC3 until then and we have no idea when FIL will visit. My parents have foster children and only one car so DM is hiring a car to accommodate the change in plans.

I must mention now that there is history of everything being organised around BIL and plans being changed to accommodate his wants. Also history with FIL, who made it clear being DH and I got married that he didn't like me and told DH not to marry me and who didn't see DD1 until she was 6 weeks old because she was an unplanned pregnancy and he was only told about her when I was heavily pregnant, as per MIL wishes (who had known since I was 3 months pregnant that he knows nothing about). We (FIL and I) are civil for the sake of DC.

AIBU to be annoyed at this? DH is annoyed that a caravan site is supposedly more important than the birth of their GC. He has not aired his discontent with them yet. There is no particular reason why it has to be that week they go, apart from BIL having his half term then.

<dons hat> Hit me with it - AIBU? grin and thanks in advance

3smellysocks Sat 05-Jan-13 23:40:54

Can you speak to the nursery and explain that you have a C-section that day and is there any chance someone could be there to meet your child at 7.30am? i know the hospital want you in for 8 but actually you will probably be one of two ladies having a section that morning by your specific consultant.

ElliesWellies Sat 05-Jan-13 23:54:11

YANBU at all.

I don't understand posters saying 'your child, your problem' (or similar). The help was offered by family. What kind of parent offers their grown-up child help in this manner, to do with the birth of a grandchild, and then pulls out because they'd rather look round caravan sites - something they could really do any time?

My parents are incredibly supportive to DH and I, and there is just no way on earth I could imagine them doing this.

threesocksmorgan Sun 06-Jan-13 00:00:12

yanbu I would be pissed of if someone had said they would help me. the backed out.
yabu that neither of you can drive

SquinkiesRule Sun 06-Jan-13 00:40:03

YANBU I would move heaven and Earth to be there for my Ds and DIL to watch the kids while they go to have another baby.
I'd ask if it can be delayed till the day your Mom can be there.

MrsKeithRichards Sun 06-Jan-13 00:49:24

Ah the world of mumsnet where yabu to have offers of support.

I live in inner outer middle of no where, I am an orphan with no friends, I was doing the school run one day after my section. Woman up!

How dare anyone rely on their nearest and dearest at a hectic and stressful time. No man is an island, we are designed to live in groups, getting support is normal. Being bumped for a caravan is shot. YANBU

WinkyWinkola Sun 06-Jan-13 00:53:03

Yanbu. Cannot believe those who said yabu on some daft principle that you must never ever expect any help whatsoever. Bunch of martyrs that lot.

Meanwhile, what kind of odd parents put caravans before an arrangement to help out their son and his wife and their gcs? That is your fil making a petty point, I'm afraid.

Personally, I would write them off as any help, never take any offer of help from them seriously again and actually not see them that much. They can't be arsed to fulfil their promises - stuff them. You can't let people down like that on a caravan whim.

MrsKeithRichards Sun 06-Jan-13 00:55:06

It must be shit for the stand alone people here, standing alone in their martyrdom, being amazeballs at everything and doing it all alone. it must be shit to have no one to care enough for you to want to help. Thankfully most people do have friends and family members who are there for each other, we all need to rely on someone else sometimes.

Moominsarescary Sun 06-Jan-13 01:03:35

Agree mrs also very sad for their dc's who will get no help from their parents if they ever need it

MrsKeithRichards Sun 06-Jan-13 01:10:49

Friend tells me their moving house, my first thought is lovely, do you need a hand. Sister is pregnant with dc3 and the next thing out my mouth after congratulations is "let me know when you want me to take the boys"

It's normal to offer, it's normal to accept and if you're used to nice people being nice a little expectation maybe does grow.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 06-Jan-13 01:13:39

YANBU they are being completely U.

Last year I changed holiday plans, I re-arranged work and I turned down some work so I could be around for a friend who was due to have her baby. They really didn't know when he was going to arrive due to complications and we had a 6 week period to deal with. I did it because I care about them. I looked after their other two kids a lot and stayed over quite a bit. I had their two when she finally went in to have the little one and ended up with them for a fortnight because there were complications and she and the baby had to be taken to a London hospital. Friends - friends that I have only been friends with for 2 years. It wasn't a big deal, I'd do it again, I'm nothing special. If PIL can't even do what little they have offered here, it's pretty shit.

SquinkiesRule Sun 06-Jan-13 16:51:04

It is shit doing it alone MrsKeithRichards
I did it two c-sec living rural Dh got one day off to bring us home and a 5 year old to boot second time. Luckily for me the baby came early (surpise C-sec) and Ds was off school for holidays and I could take 3 weeks before needing to do the school run (20 mile round trip in a manual transmission truck) Still I started bleeding all over and took 3 times as long to heal from this delivery. So I'll be the MIL dropping everything to help as needed and not backing out, but re arraigning everything to suit.
Hope you can get some help OP just for your own peace of mind.

hermioneweasley Sun 06-Jan-13 16:58:21

YANBU. An offer of help was made and accepted, and for something significant - not a night at the pub! Your PIL are crap to rearrange now. I haven't followed the complexity of the arrangements, but I think your DH would be within his rights to say "actually we were disappointed that you have cancelled your offer to us, to do something else. It makes me wonder where my family come in your list of priorities". Nobody could argue that they have gone back on a commitment and this has indeed made you wonder!

mysteryfairy Sun 06-Jan-13 18:13:27

YANBU but on the practical side you mention DD goes to a catholic school. Could you mention the problems to your parish priest and he'll probably identify someone else in the congregation who can help you. We live quite rurally and travel to Mass and have been asked to transport other parishioners before if their regular lift is on hols or similar. We are delighted to do so and would respond in the same way if asked to do a school run.

Amothersruin Sun 06-Jan-13 18:28:49

YANBU-if they offered to help then they shouldnt be messing you around now and you or your dh needs to point this out to them.

Saying that I am a little bit confused by the not being able to do school run thing by bus. I was doing the school run with elder child and toddler 7 days post section as dh had to go back to work. Sure someone offering to help would have been lovely but it wasnt going to happen!!

Probably wise now to sort out other options if pil are usually so unreliable...

DreamingOfTheMaldives Sun 06-Jan-13 19:06:46

Well said MrsKeithRichards!

DreamingOfTheMaldives Sun 06-Jan-13 19:07:08


EricNorthmansFangBanger Mon 07-Jan-13 19:56:52

Amothers - I will, of course, more than happily do the school run by bus as soon as I am able. My recovery time last time was longer than the emcs I had the first time. I was in absolute agony with the elcs and I only just managed to get out of the house at 8 days post section for a little walk. It was literally to the end of the road and back, it took it out of me massively and I really struggled. I am hoping that this time I will be ready for the school run at 11 days post section but it isn't just a small walk from the bus stop to school or the bus stop to nursery. My section is on a Thursday and there's no chance I'll be ready to do the school run from the Monday, which is why we were glad to have the help offered for that week.

Thank you all for your replies. Apparently they now won't be going anywhere, but I already re-arranged plans with my DM as she needed as much notice as possible to sort out things. No doubt this will cause some annoyance on behalf of FIL, but god knows!

shewhowines Mon 07-Jan-13 20:05:45

YANBU. You know where you stand in their priorities and I'd be upset on behalf of your DH, if nothing else.

MrsKeithRichards Mon 07-Jan-13 20:10:20

I had a loss easy birth, 3 hours start to end, wee sook on the gas and air and no tearing. This was the Sunday, I attempted half the school run on the Friday with dh there and I felt like my womb was going to fall out.

Footface Mon 07-Jan-13 20:15:26

Yanbu, families are there to support each other, it's about give and take!

The fact that they are changing plans to look around a caravan site rather than help out with dc is ridiculous. I'd be fumming. The fact that they have half term the week before makes it worse, surely if its do important they can look then?

Tbh I don't think they want to help and the caravan is just a bad excuse.

elizaregina Mon 07-Jan-13 20:49:53


Id be fighting back the vitriol here I dont think UABU at all.

It makes me really sad when people take GC so much for granted - in my personal family - and with friends - things have gone dreafully wrong - and sometimes GC arnt possible =- how can people take them so for granted????

I feel so sorry for you that they value this caravan over the birth of the GC.

My childish side would say - bear the burden somehow and have DM to stay - and simpy be too busy or unable to have PILS over before or after birth...make them wait....not only have they let you down in such a dreadful manner but over something so purile...they could do any time...its not any time a grandchild comes into this world...

Def sounds like back issues - try and get through this as best you can and in future - start to learn to gently disegnage in terms of ever asking or relying on them for anything at all....dont set yourself up for dissaspointment...we also have v similar situ with DSIL always taking presedence over us - her time is far far more important than ours etc....we can re arrange our schedules because she wants something!!!

I just cant imagine what the back ground talks about this are " we need to check out that caravan"
" BUT eric north 3 is arriving on that day"
" yes luv, but this is the we are talking about here....we can see eric north any time, so what you promised her - this is the only time bil is free...."

I really feel for you op - what a horrid experience just before the birth....
I had an ELC recently and altough some people can be up and about playing golf the next day - its of course safer and wiser to rest as much as you can for short run and long run.

Good luck, try and enjoy your baby - ignore them, be thankful you have your own DM there for you..... - the cross some of us have to bear!!!

MarianneM Mon 07-Jan-13 21:04:43

I think your PILs are unreasonable to go looking for caravans when they have promised to help you, but:

Why do you need to be driven to hospital? Are there no connections by public transport? And you could always take a taxi.

Also, I don't entirely understand why you are unable to do a school run by bus for a few weeks post-birth? I have had two caesarian sections and was told to be up and about as much as possible afterwards - so walked around (carrying baby in sling) a lot. Presumably you have a pram for the baby and your school age children walk so why can't you do the school run?

I think it is quite unreasonable to expect so much help.

rainbow2000 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:34:04

Everybody recovers differently from a section.I think they shouldnt have offered to do it if they didnt want to.
And actually asking the priest is a good idea at least then you will have help and actually might shame the gps in to helpi ng.
Have you been on public transport while heavily pregnant*mariannem*.What if she went in to labour she probably wouldnt have a hope.

elizaregina Mon 07-Jan-13 22:05:26

infact eric

why bother going to hospital at all - get pils to do op in the caravan!

Adversecamber Mon 07-Jan-13 22:12:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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