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AIBU about DP "just having a few"

(12 Posts)
Dannilion Sat 05-Jan-13 10:26:10

Sorry, this is probably petty and hormone induced mania.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with PFB. Have had a very difficult pregnancy, MS and anaemia for first 12 weeks which rendered me incapable of doing anything apart from lifting my head up to vomit in the loo as opposed to on myself. Approaching the end of 2nd trimester I developed SPD which has progressed rapidly, I've had to take early mat leave, I can barely sleep, and day to day living is a real struggle. I have to take solpadol to enable myself to get into the bath or stand at the sink to have a wash, so anything else around the house is pretty much out of the question. I've always been fiercely independent so this has been a real struggle emotionally and I cry most days. I've been admitted into hospital twice this month with insanely high blood pressure, so to say I am terrified daily would be an understatement. At 23 I was quite naive in thinking labour would be my only real concern.

Anyways, Due to the above I rely on DP for pretty much everything. His best friend since childhood moved to Australia 2 years ago to work & save, as many people in our friendship group have done. He comes back about 2-3 times a year and DP always sees him a lot. I used to join the group but in my current state I haven't been able to. All DP's friend wants to do is go out and get drunk, which is fine. DP has seen him loads since he has been back this time and had planned to see him this afternoon in a town 30 miles away. DP told me he wouldn't be drinking (which I would expect as he has our car!) but I overhear him saying to his friend 'well I'll have a couple'. Cue a hormonal cry by me because I feel alone and vulnerable and if something were to happen it would take him at least an hour to get back, and that's obviously not including however long it would take him to sober up. I know I can't live in a constant state of fear, but AIBU to just want him sober and in close proximity until I give birth? His friend will no doubt be back in the summer. My family are all hours away and none of my friends drive. My phone also doesn't work so it's nt even like I could call someone in an emergency.

I'm sorry for the long waffle, I just don't know whether pregnancy has turned me into a complete loon or I genuinely have a right to be feeling like this.

BelleoftheFall Sat 05-Jan-13 10:33:48

Jesus, that all sounds incredibly hard.

Since you've been hospitalised twice in the last month I'm not surprised you're worried about needing him at short notice to drive you back. I don't really know whether or not you're being unreasonable, but it's definitely understandable that you feel this way after all of this illness and stress and radical change in what you can do. Especially if he's the only one around to drive.

Tbh it's a bit silly of him to lie to you then say the complete opposite while you can still hear! He could have just reassured you about having a few drinks and discussed it. However, I'm not sure how realistic it is to expect him to be in close proximity all the time for the next three months.

DragonMamma Sat 05-Jan-13 10:40:18

Sounds like you are having a rough time of it but YABU to think you'll spontaneously give birth at 27 weeks, unless you've had previous indications from the hospital that this is likely?

You've potentially got 13 weeks left, it's not practical or particularly fair to expect your DP to be within spitting distance the entire time. I agree with not drinking heavily towards the end but you're nowhere near that point yet and I think YABU to expect him to not drink at all until you're towards the end of your pregnancy.
Re your phone, you clearly need to address this problem and get a more reliable phone/coverage or a landline for back up

SantasENormaSnob Sat 05-Jan-13 10:50:30


Although he shouldn't be having a few if he's planning on driving back.

letseatgrandma Sat 05-Jan-13 10:54:05

Yabu. You have had a rough time but you can't expect your dh to sit in on the off chance you might go into labour. You have 3 months to go yet.

fishandlilacs Sat 05-Jan-13 11:00:04

If this is a planned outing, do you have someone else who can come look after you while your dp is out? As long as he stays sober and functioning and able to drive ( Although "just having a couple" will probably discount this and he shouldn't) then it's not unreasonable that hes goes out from time to time.

You're not being unreasonable at all in your concerns, it sounds like you are having an awful time but DP probably feels like he needs a little respite time.

I'm sure it wont feel like it to you because you dont get a break from all the things you are suffering but i'm afraid when it comes to pregnancy us girls do bear the brunt as it's our bodies that do the work.

thebody Sat 05-Jan-13 11:01:02

You need a working mobile phone so sort it today or get dp to sort it. That's essential.

You are having a terrible time obviously so very sorry for that.

Your dp has to still go out etc but if he drinks and drives that's unforgivable.

You have 3 months to go so you arnt going into labour yet but definatly fix the phone issue.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, you deserve it. Hugs. X

ILoveTIFFANY Sat 05-Jan-13 11:01:51


Does it matter if he's at the pub? Or on the moon?

With no working phone you couldn't call him anywhere

In fact, you are the unreasonable one for not having a working phone

peaceandlovebunny Sat 05-Jan-13 11:09:26

don't forget taxis. i never used them when i was young but they can be very handy in an emergency! keep some cash on one side.
and buy yourself a cheap phone - £15 from tesco, put £10 on it and keep it for emergencies.
phone with numbers in and money on it, hospital bag packed, a bit of cash with them so that you can pay for whatever you need, and you should feel less 'out of control' in an emergency situation.

when you're feeling a bit calm, explain to your partner about your medical condition and why you need him sober and nearby (he knows, but gently remind him).

try to think of it from his point of view. you are 23 - how old is he? he's your partner, not your husband - was the pregnancy planned? is he as enthusiastic about it as you are? might he feel trapped? i did when i was pregnant - and i'd done the courtship, marriage, planning, pre-conceptual care. etc etc, and the pregnancy was something we both wanted. you were very independent before, and now, due to pregnancy and the effects it has had on your health, you are dependent. he didn't know that would happen any more than you did. how does he feel about having a pregnant lady clinging to him constantly? is it a bit much? his partner has changed significantly in the last six months. are those changes he wanted or expected? could either of you have planned for this? you are awash with hormones and beset by health issues, and he has found that his girlfriend is a different woman than she was before pregnancy. and he can't go out for a drink with his mates? he has to sit in all the time with you? like a prisoner?

i'm not trying to be unkind or to blame you for any of this, just to point out that he's bound to be 'thrown' by it. he hasn't had hormonal changes to make him want to do the parenting/caring thing, yet his life has changed around him and quite possibly in ways that aren't very comfortable for him, especially if he's young. if he's had previous partners and families he should know a bit more about it!

are you feeling threatened by his being able to go out with his mates when his clingy, not very well and heavily pregnant girlfriend is stuck at home? is that part of the reason that his going out upsets you? it would be perfectly natural if it did.

stay calm, remember he isn't experiencing pregnancy in the way that you are, and lead him through what you want him to do. but give him just a bit of leeway. he's a person as well as a partner and dad.

Dannilion Sat 05-Jan-13 11:13:14

Sorry, I hate drip feeding but probably should have mentioned. It's DP's fault (I mean that in a lighthearted way) my phone is broke and I am waiting for him to take me to town and get it sorted. Which is depressing in itself really. And he has a smartphone so if I needed to get hold of him I could email/Facebook etc. not ideal, but he's not completely off the radar which is a small comfort.

I'm taking what you're all saying onboard, I know I just need to get over this irrational fear of stillbirth and I don't want to suffocate the poor bloke. Thanks for being so understanding and not totally flaming me as some sort of pregzilla smile

BelaLugosisShed Sat 05-Jan-13 11:33:04

He shouldn't be drinking at all if he's driving.
Selfish and irresponsible, and that's with ignoring the fact that you are reliant on him at the moment and feeling incredibly vulnerable - you should be his priority, not his friend.

peaceandlovebunny Sat 05-Jan-13 11:33:09

oh little one, it isn't irrational to be afraid for your baby. lots of love to you.

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