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to be really upset by what this 'friend' just said?

(108 Posts)
emeraldgirl1 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:12:25

I am 7m pregnant.

This friend has just asked where we are planning to 'put the baby' when she is born, the point being that we only live in a very small 2 bedroom flat and one bedroom is currently my office ( I work from home). I of course said that the baby would be sleeping in our room with us at first. She said, "sure, but eventually are you seriously telling me you aren't making a nice nursery for all her stuff with pink teddies on the walls etc etc?..."

2 points:
1) this friend is loaded beyond belief (not a problem for me, btw, I have never had the slightest problem with her having tonnes of money and a huge home because it's just pure luck and I think there is more to life than money BUT we are NOT loaded beyond belief, my friend knows this and knows we are going to struggle to move somewhere bigger with the baby when we eventually have to.

2) is this not just an incredibly insensitive thing to say to a pregnant woman who quite obviously HASN'T turned her (still much-needed) home office into a gorgeous nursery for her brand new baby?

I would love nothing more than to have been able to make a gorgeous nursery for my very first baby and have been feeling very guilty already that we are unable to provide this BUT I had reconciled myself to the fact that newborns don't need any trappings except mum and dad and milk and love.

Now after this conversation with my friend I am sitting here stupidly crying and feeling an inadequate parent again because I am not able to bring my baby home from the hospital to something from an interiors magazine.

I didn't know what to say to my friend on the phone so I ended the call as soon as possible.

The irony is that she may have provided a gorgeous nursery for her own children but she has spent the past 4 years dragged through a hideous divorce (not saying divorce is necc at all bad for a child btw, but the way my friend and her ex have done it, it's bloody awful for everyone in the vicinity!) and I have NEVER once suggested to her that she is anything other than a great mum who is doing her best.

manicbmc Fri 04-Jan-13 16:14:48

She sounds like she is sneering and belittling your choices. I'd not bother with her tbh. She's going to undermine you at every turn.

bigbuttons Fri 04-Jan-13 16:14:52

I think you are over reacting

Booyhoo Fri 04-Jan-13 16:15:42

you sound odd

atacareercrossroads Fri 04-Jan-13 16:17:21

she only asked a question about the babys room, not insensitive by any stretch. yabu and extremely sensitive, but pg does that to the best of us. (I cried at a pigeon when pg)

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel Fri 04-Jan-13 16:17:48

Sorry but I think you are over reacting too.

strawberrypenguin Fri 04-Jan-13 16:17:54

Ignore her! She probably spoke without thinking and you are perhaps reading a little too much into it (although understandable) and for what its worth a newborn doesnt need a nursery anyway.

mumagain38 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:17:58

i think ur over reacting a little too x and you know what, u actually might make make little nursery later on, enjoy this time and dont stress out x

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:13

She is being an insensitive cow.

If she paused for half a moment then she would realise that not everyone does things in the same way - and not always through choice.

TuttiFrutti Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:18

YABU. She may have phrased it insensitively, but it's a perfectly rational question, and has obviously touched a raw nerve in you.

overmydeadbody Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:21


You are really over reacting.

She was just talking. Maybe she just wanted to know whayt your plans were for the future?

emeraldgirl1 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:25

OK booyhoo...

maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones then...

I'm not quite sure why I sound 'odd', particularly, though I probably am over-reacting. TBH there's a lot of history with this person where she's incredibly unsupportive despite needing a lot of support herself so I'm really just having a bit of a moan. I don't think I'll be returning her calls for a bit.

Thanks anyway.

Booblesonthetree Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:28

Wow, how insensitive can a person get? Your baby doesn't need a nursery. Yes it would be nice but not necessary at all and if you need working space that takes priority.
All baby needs is food, clothes, somewhere to sleep, comfort and love. Thats it. Anything else is spare. Fwiw, our DD2 (youngest of 3) doesn't have a nursery, she shares a room with her older sister.
YANBU to be upset with your friend but YABU to let her make you feel inadequate about it!

sleepyhead Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:28

I'd have laughed in her face.

I didn't get to do the nursery thing with ds because we were (still are for the moment actually!) in a 1 bed flat. Funnily, it was still a joy being a parent despite not being in a position to go to Mothercare and get all angsty over wall stickers and matching cot bumpers.

With dc2 now on the way we're in the process of selling and hopefully buying or renting somewhere bigger, but it'll be a 2 bed, so yet again no colour coordinated curtains and pictures in frames.

I'll live grin. So will you.

laptopcomputer Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:28

" is this not just an incredibly insensitive thing to say to a pregnant woman who quite obviously HASN'T turned her (still much-needed) home office into a gorgeous nursery for her brand new baby? "

actually I dn;t think it is incredibly insensitive. Where are you going to put the baby is a prefectly reasonable question. I donlt think it is particulalry unreasonable to assume you might change home office into a nursery either. Her being loadsd has nothing to od with anything.

captainmummy Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:34

hormones, Emerald. It doesn't matter a jot what she said or meant. Do what you need to.

NatashaBee Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrackleMauve Fri 04-Jan-13 16:19:13

There's nothing wrong with not having a nursery with pink teddies on the wall! Our "nursery" was half home office, half space for the baby. We cleared enough out to make room for a chest of drawers to start with. Then some more space for the cot when she moved out of our room.

What is the point of having a lovely room for a baby who is going to be sleeping in your room anyway? I am expecting baby no 2 and he/she will have no room at all ready because there is no need. I'll clear out a drawer to stuff baby clothes in I guess.

Ignore friend, you are taking this a button much to heart, but you're pregnant so that's normal. I get the rage about 20 times a day.

CailinDana Fri 04-Jan-13 16:19:16

It was a bit nasty but it's one of the mildest comments you're going to get now that you're about to be a parent, so it's time to start developing a rhino hide! You're right that a "nursery" is totally pointless - the baby couldn't give a shit where it sleeps. Prepare for comments on how you feed the baby, clothe him/her etc etc. You need to have some confidence in your choices or you'll end up very stressed.

Is this friend normally so bitchy?

sleepyhead Fri 04-Jan-13 16:20:09

It's a reasonable question laptop. But the answer of "it'll be in with us for a good while" is a reasonable answer and doesn't really need further clarification.

peaceandlovebunny Fri 04-Jan-13 16:20:14

i don't think you're over-reacting, and i don't think you're odd.

of course, if you/me/we had all the money and time in the world, we'd do lots of special things.

but all your baby needs is you. s/he will be much happier near (or snuggled in with) mummy, or mummy and daddy, than in the most glamorous nursery ever imagined.

everlong Fri 04-Jan-13 16:20:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Schlock Fri 04-Jan-13 16:20:39

Your hormones are making you oversensitive, I mean that kindly.

When I had my first we lived in a one bed flat so not even the option of turning an office into a bedroom. I made a corner of the bedroom into a nursery area. It was fine. The baby didn't care much so long as she had warmth, love, food and a mobile above the cot. She didn't get her own room until she was 7 months old when we eventually found a way to move.

missorinoco Fri 04-Jan-13 16:21:05

The baby doesn't care if the teddies are pink, blue, spotted green or second hand on the floor by her cot.

Your friend is coming at it from her perspective, where she thinks these things are essential, and being a little tactless in forgetting you can't do this even if you did want to.

Ignore ignore ignore. Interiors magazines will be outdated in a few months. Milk and love never go out of fashion.

Sadly not worth crying over. Some other bugger will be along with another insensitive comment shortly. <The bump's too big/the bump's too small/you look tired/you've gained too much weight.....>

Large brew

ThreeWheelsGood Fri 04-Jan-13 16:21:57

you are making a lot of this! ignore what she said. of course the baby is in with you for the first 6 months.

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