AIBU to refuse to work until dh helps more?(17 Posts)
DH and I have 5 dcs, we also own a business. We started the business 2.5 years ago. Before that time dh had worked for someone else long hours,I did the majority of housework and child BUT he did help at weekends I was pretty happy with the split and enjoyed being a sahm.Since starting the business he has not been helping at all to the point where he refuses to get up at all in the night, he doesnt do any housework at all and I would say I do 99% of all childcare.The only thing he does do is take the older children to school on his way to work which is helpful for me but nowhere near a fair split.
Since I am no longer pregnant (youngest is 11 months) I have been working from home in the business and dh has found this to be really useful and has started emaiing me lists of work to do/relying on me to complete work. In fact he has said he would like me to come into the office 2 days a week which would mean putting the youngest two into a nursery. I wouldnt really mind this I would actually enjoy it but at 3am I was changing my three year olds bed while trying to get the screaming 11 month old to calm down, he was refusing to help and in bed. I just realised he sees a clear split between my responsibilities and his when it comes to him helping me but the other way round he dumps "his work" on me.
AIBU to say that he cant have it both ways either I am a sahm and he goes out to earn the money OR he helps with the childcare/housework.
Over christmas I have done all of the christmas organizing, worked about 5-6 hours a day at home while looking after 5 children under 8 and he has swanned about having "a rest" which means lie ins and the like.
Im just totally sick of it tbh, I cant physically force hin to do anything (hes 6 foot 2 and 16 stone!) me not working WILL impact the business but I just dont feel like it can go on like this.
Work and get a cleaner?
Or sah and get him to pull his finger out?
The problem seems to be his attitude not whether you work or not. I always found work more relaxing. You may feel less not more tired when you go back to work
Tell him to pull his finger out
When he emails you today email him back listing all the stuff you have to do at home and add a foot note stating that you are also going to have an afternoon nap due to being up in the night.
Don't lay any blame at his door just state your position and then gauge his reaction before going fucking ballistic!
Yanbu - you already have a full time job which directly benefits him!
X post - love MadameC's suggestion! Reply to his email with your own list of jobs for him to do in the house
merci - I think it would be more relaxing in the day if I was at the office (at the moment I am working from home which as you can imagine is difficult with the children here) but then if I came home and then had to do all the childcare housework anyway I think I may actually explode with rage.
Madame - Thats a good idea! although I suspect his reaction would be nothing - thats normally how he responds to this sort of thing!
So you need to actually bring it up directly and tell him what you feel and what help you need if you think the subtle approach won't work.
If I were you I would employ a cleaner a couple of times a week. An ironing lady and stick the kids in nursery a couple of days and then see how you feel about how many hours you want to do etc. if DH complains about cost of help chuck the iron at him!
When you're all out of the house, it stays tidy. And magic cleaning fairies (well, a cleaner) mean it gets clean too.
Honestly, work is way more relaxing. And you'd be knackered in any case cos you're up at night then working (looking after the kids) at the moment. I never had time to chill at home when the kids were little. But at work, when you have a tea break, no-one comes and hassles you
Staying at home with the kids is great though too. Working from home is probably the hardest job of all. Get a cleaner, take it from there, see how you feel
Definitely get a cleaner, would be possible to do it when the youngest two are in nursery and as you say you would enjoy the work it seems like an obvious solution.
I would also make your boundaries clear with your DH i.e. you will work the 2 days that all the children are out of the house, but on the other days you have child care and house keeping responsibilities so you can't do all of it.
In a way I think you may currently be resentful because your DH runs his own business. If I was in the set up where my DH worked and I was a SAHM I would feel that the bulk of the housework would naturally sit with me - I'm not saying this from a 50s housewife perspective, I think its maybe the fact that he can control his own work makes you think he should be taking more of an active role whereas if he was away in an office you wouldn't see it iyswim.
Christmas is another matter. I would have just told him straight that either Christmas or his work wasn't happening which would he prefer. It's because the boundaries are currently muddled, so I think his suggestion of making it 2 proper days is a great one provided you make it clear and he understands that you will not be doing anything else on the other days.
YANBU and I think his attitude really stinks. Could you get him to swap for one day to get some perspective?
YANBU and it seems like he is taking advantage of your obvious excellent capacity to cope and get things done! You already sound like you are doing so much, I think a discussion about your roles is in order.
Good luck op.
Even if you don't work for the business, he should still help. Otherwise, he is working office hours and you are working/on call 24/7.
Not exactly fair, is it?
Oh, and you 'physically force him' by physically downing tools yourself. No washing for him, no dinner on table until you have both sat down and worked out a fair division of ALL labour which means that both if you have equal 'downtime'. This didn't happen over Christmas, clearly- why not??
YANBU. My friend has just had her 3rd and has extended her maternity leave as her DH does not help out enough at home. She has told him why she is not happy to return to work and as much as he would prefer it if she did he is ok about it as I think he would rather her do that than help out more.
You need to be honest with him about your reasons!
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