to think DH should know what money is in his bank account?

[PaellaUmbrella]

Background - I am a SAHM, planned to go back to work either when DD starts pre-school or earlier if we needed me to financially. We moved house last year and at that point, DH set up all the bills from his account as obviously he is paying them for the time being (we don't have a joint account.)

I have trusted that he knows exactly what is going in and coming out of his account each month - I have child benefit and tax credits paid into mine, and always know pretty much to the penny what's in there. Assumed he was the same with his.

Over the past couple of months he's mentioned that things are a bit tight and that we'd have to review it all this year (ie. think about me going back to work - not my ideal choice but hey ho, if I have to, I have to.)

Anyway. Yesterday, he informs me that he has no money left for the rest of January. There are still a couple of direct debits to leave his account, plus the money we need for food and petrol, so all in all, we're a few hundred short. Now, as part of this, he also informs me that he's had to pay £60 to a friend for a stag do later in the year (hotel that's been booked or something.) He claims that it's come as a complete surprise that there's no money left.

So - AIBU to think that he should have known in advance that we were going to be short? And therefore not have been paying out stag do money when we've literally not got enough money for essentials this month? He says he owed his friend the money and so had "no option".
This has obviously arisen from the expense of Xmas, things are often tight but not short like this, but again I feel he should have been on top of the finances - if I'd been aware, we could have curtailed spending last month.

[starfishmummy]

Well yes, he should have known and I don't understand why you didn't either. Make a new year resolution to sort it out.

First thing is to get a joint account so that the money for all your direct debits, household expenses and food for the month goes into that

[MaxPepsi]

You don't have enough for essentials? By that do you mean food? As I'm guessing heating, water, gas and elec is already paid?

Where has the money in your account gone?

If he's mentioned before that things have been tight why have you not sat down before and gone through everything?

You are both unreasonable.

[PaellaUmbrella]

MaxPepsi
By essentials I mean food and petrol, but there are also a couple of January bills yet to be paid too.

As for where the money has gone - he spent it last month on Xmas presents, extra food over Xmas, taxis on NYE, that kind of thing. Expenses we don't normally have. I knew we were spending more than usual, but assumed he realised that too and would have only spent it had he had enough to cover it.

When he's mentioned that things are tight he's always said that we can cover all bills, tight in the sense that we haven't had money for "extras".

[lottiegarbanzo]

Review in a couple of months and curtail spending now are quite different. Getting a job takes time.

Sounds like he's used to having enough for everything without too much thought and hasn't budgeted, so hasn't noticed when spending has been atypical or been aware of the extent or impact.

Depends how you divided responsibility as to who is unreasonable. Did he take on responsibility for budgeting for certain categories as well as paying those bills, or did he think you were jointly responsible for managing spending?

Whatever, I would be unhappy that he hadn't noticed the problem was urgent until it's too late.

[SneakyNuts]

MY DP is the same- doesn't know what goes in/out his bank.

But YABU for assuming he knows, you need to have a word or do it yourself.

[MaxPepsi]

Ok, so his wage pays for everything? And he does all the food shopping?

What do you put the child benefit and tax credits towards?

Did he buy you any presents that you can take back for a refund and get at a later date when things have improved?

[PaellaUmbrella]

Child benefit and tax credits pay for DD's clothes & any small things she needs, bus fares, groceries throughout the week, that kind of thing. If there's anything left over then I can use it for myself.

DH's wage covers all the main stuff - rent, bills, big food shop etc.

We will be fine this month, luckily I have a bit in my account and we have some money set aside for something else which can be used. So we're not going to go hungry or anything, and obviously we need to look at me going back to work in some capacity.

I just felt he was BU for not having budgeted properly and paying out for a stag do when bills we still yet to be paid.

[WhoTookMyDough]

Everything has become dearer. I've found that I can no longer afford as many of the trimmings that I used to take for granted, and have found myself with way less money than I expected when direct debits and groceries have been dearer than I anticipated, so I can see how this happened.

I assume you have some money between you if you have TCs and CB - where does that money go?

[starfishmummy]

You are a couple so why don't you do the budgeting together?
If you don't have a lot of money to spare each month, then working together on the budget is essential.

[WhoTookMyDough]

Sorry, x-posts.

He probably thought he had plenty for that £60 - a couple of years ago either one of you would have been able to find £60 for a special event at the drop of a hat I imagine (even had you been on mat leave). Everything has become dearer, wages have stayed static or even fallen; he's not the only one to have been caught out.

You clearly need to get your heads together to discuss finances.

[MaxPepsi]

Does anyone really budget properly in December though Paella?

I think even the most frugal people over indulge and I think you need to give your husband a bit of slack.

Bad timing re the stag do but why should his mate be out of pocket at this hard time also? I'm sure you could imagine the reverse thread to this - My DH is out of pocket by £x because his mates can't budget properly and we have been left short.

You need to sort out a bill account, be it joint names or just in one name. All money gets transferred for bills, mtg etc with a little extra for emergencies. This will also give you the opportunity to see exactly what you spend on bills and switch providers too to save money.

Then the money left in his account is used for his spends, petrol and food.

[Fairylea]

I don't understand why you don't have a joint account? Or two like we do, one for bills and food and one for spending money which we both use. (We transfer a set amount to spending money and spend half each).

It's crazy to be separate like this when you have a dd and are a sahm. Sounds like neither of you really have control of the finances!

Also, you say you spend whatever is left over from the tax credits you get - I'm assuming he has the same amount of spending money ? Otherwise that is very unfair.

[CloudsAndTrees]

I think you are being a bit harsh to assume that just because you know exactly how much money there is in your account without checking then he should too. He is not the same as you, many people aren't, plus he has the bigger and irregular expenses coming out of his account so it's bound to be harder for him to keep track unless he makes a concerted effort.

I also don't think he's being unreasonable to pay out for something he has already committed to. If he didn't pay for his place on the stag do then the money would be missing from someone else's account, or the entire booking would be messed up because he hadn't paid his share.

If you are the one with the better head for figures then it would be better if you had a joint account that you could keep an eye on too.

[lottiegarbanzo]

The way I'd deal with this is writing a budget with categories and keeping track monthly, at least of those categories that vary a lot e.g entertainment and presents. You can have an average monthly figure for these but know that most presents will be bought in December, so it's more like an annual figure. For steadier expenses like mortgage, bills and food, review once a year - the last two have probably gone up.

[PaellaUmbrella]

Thanks everybody. I'm going to talk to him later about us setting up a joint account for all the regular bills - then at least this kind of thing shouldn't happen again. Plus as you say, I can keep an eye on it too.

[StuntGirl]

I can't believe people think he shouldn't know how much money is in his account Unless you're very wealthy surely everyone has to know how much is coming in and going out? Especially over Christmas.

In your situation OP you need to know as much as he does about the finances. Time for a sit down chat with an excel spreadsheet I think.

[RobotLover68]

I do the same as lottiegarbanzo put money away every month for gifts and additional christmas expenses (eg. alcohol) so it isn't a shock come December - as it's only January you could sit down this month and plan, then put a set amount aside each month

[WhoTookMyDough]

StuntGirl I don't think it's a case of shouldn't but an acknowledgment that it can be difficult, especially in December. All it takes is a few direct debits which are slightly higher than normal (which seems to be the case every blasted month these days) and hey presto, you go from expecting a rather sparse month ahead (the norm in January), to being a few hundred short.

[complexnumber]

He's a halfwit for not telling you that he was skint.

But then I am quite suprised that you were not monitoring your joint finances.

[mowbraygirl]

We have a joint account and DH checks it on line nearly every day so he always know how much is in there. I also have a savings account with same bank so if things are a bit tight we just transfer some money over.

DH was an accountant before he retired so is used to dealing with financial situations. He is also proud of the fact that in all the years he has had a bank account he has never been overdrawn.

[FatimaLovesBread]

I agree with stuntgirl

Surely he should at least know he's got x amount at the beginning of the month with y amount wage being paid in and z amount in bills to come out. So he'd know roughly how much spare he has for things like presents, New Years taxis etc. it's not hard to work put even as estimates.
Plus why couldn't he check the balance before paying for things?

I'm currently on mat leave and I have access to the joint account and both mine and DHs account. However, DH tends to know almost to the penny what he has in his account.

If you're a sahm then it's family finances rather than just his so it would be useful if you could have access to help with the budgeting too

[whois]

I think you're being harsh. When things are set up on DD to come out at various times over the month it's hard to keep track.

You have a small amount going in, and only outgoings are what you physically spend so much easier.

[SallyBeth]

Well yes he should know. But you should know too! I cannot believe that you do not have conversations about family finances for bills etc! This is as much your mistake as his. Yes he should be keeping track - and so should you!

[bubby64]

We too found ourselves a bit short this January, not through lack of awareness, but because other people who owed us money hadn't paid up!
I am glad your DH was thoughtful enough to pay what he owed on the stag night, it is things like this that can send others over the edge.
In our case it was other family members who hadn't contributed their share of the extra needed for our mums home care, we have the bill sent to us, and have to pay it on time, but when others say they are a bit short and will pay you back next month, where do they expect you to find the extra money!!
Sorry to thread hijack - but this is the situation we are in through no fault of our own when others find they have overspent and not checked their finances!!

[BackforGood]

I think the only people who can be excused not knowing (approx) how much money is in their a/c, are those fortunate few who can readily spend a few hundred extra one month, and know it won't take them overdrawn. For most young families, who don't have hundreds 'spare' at the end of the month, then it is very important that someone "keeps an eye" on things.
I'm not sure why it should be dh though - surely, as a family, your finances should be joint ?