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to ask if you are one of three kids did you ever feel 'left out'?

(93 Posts)
Arachnophobe Thu 03-Jan-13 07:21:40

I am divided whether to contemplate DC4 but would really like a perspective first from people who are one of three or four kids and was there any reason you wish it were different?
I am not looking at practicalities or else would not be typing this madness rather how it might affect the dynamic.
DH is 'middle child' and is divided as would like four but concerned that they would not get enough time wise from us individually.
I only have one sibling and always wanted more but that might have just been 'the grass is always greener' thinking.

binkybonk Sat 05-Jan-13 15:10:04

Haven't read a single other message other than the OP, but needed to say- I'm one of 4 and it was fabulous. Am sure all families are different, but it was and is lovely to have three different people always on your side. We do 'pair up' from time to time as adults, but ways different pairs for different things and all always fun! Love them all grin

whathaveiforgottentoday Sat 05-Jan-13 14:50:39

I'm one of 3 and agree one gets left out which in our case was the younger of my 2 brothers. I'm the baby and only girl.
My SIL agrees as she was a middle child.

CrikeeThree Sat 05-Jan-13 14:49:59

X-post with Jaqueline
Totally agree.

CrikeeThree Sat 05-Jan-13 14:49:09

I'm one of three (the middle one). So is DH. Of course there were times when I felt left out. But that's life isn't it?
I mean, it teaches you to negotiate and to deal with relationships. How to get on with different people at different times.
At certain times in my life I've felt closer, overall, to my younger sibling. At other times, I've felt closer to my elder sibling. I wouldn't be without either of them.
If you have 4 DCs, you'd still get differing dynamics, disagreements, pairings etc. That won't change. You'll just get it even more, surely?
I don't know why people worry about the dynamics with 3DCs so much. What happens on the days when you hate your sibling if you're one of two? Because I had plenty of those! smile

JaquelineHyde Sat 05-Jan-13 14:47:55

I am 1 of 7 and the middle child (3 older brothers, 2 younger brothers and 1 younger sister)

I never felt left out and would happily do it all over again.

No concerns about typical sibling rivalry as this happens regardless of whether you have 2 or 20.

As for attention from parents, this is down to the parents and nothing to do with how many children you have. I got plenty and still have a fabulous relationship with my parents.

AmberSocks Sat 05-Jan-13 14:43:33

i thinkitsmoredown toparenting though,i was 1 of two,halfbrother 7 years younger,i still didnt get any attention and my mum hated every minute ofbeing a mum toyoung kids,which she is happytoadmit.

AmberSocks Sat 05-Jan-13 14:40:36

i am not 1 of 3 but i have 4,3 were 3 were born in 2 years,the eldest and youngest(now 2nd middle)get on like a house on fire and are really similar,personality looks everything,they dont get on with dc2 who is very different to them,and they dont half let him know it,it breaks my heart,hopefully it will get better now we have 4,or if we have a girl.

Arachnophobe Sat 05-Jan-13 14:04:08

Thanks to you all.
I casually asked DS1 (9) and DS2 (6) what they feel and they were each adamant that they want another brother or sister one day.
That might be because 8mo DS3 is delightful and has not toddler trashed any of their things/argued/fought and is not in their rooms yet wink.
My head says no, heart says yes but circumstances will decide in the future.

Softlysoftly Fri 04-Jan-13 13:23:08

I was the youngest of 3 and then 10 years later became a middle of 4. I never remember feeling left out, we argued as all girls but never felt a lack of attention.

Now as adults I wouldn't be without my large family. DH is oldest of 4 (was 5 they lost a brother) and again no issues with attention or love! I think if you make sure all is balanced each child can feel loved equally. Though financially mum and dad were able to sustain space and hobbies for each of us which helped. Though DHs family room weren't as financially stable and are all fine.

I'm seriously considering DC3 as I want my children to have the benefit of a big supportive family when older. I know that I can always call on someone and they will be there!

The only thing we did done an issue is the 10yr gap led to some issues for little sis with older parents, and siblings a life stage ahead iyswim.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 04-Jan-13 13:16:13

I am one of 3. I am the middle child. There were constant fights, side taking, ganging up etc. I didn't feel left out as i was the kind of child who removed myself, and wasn't particularly interested in my parents attention. My sisters however still seem to be in a battle for attention as adults.

ZZZenAgain Fri 04-Jan-13 13:12:27

I'm the middle dc of 3. My older sister and I are just a year apart, my brother is 3 years younger than I am. He was always left out. Perhaps it was the age gap, perhaps it was because he was a boy.

3smellysocks Fri 04-Jan-13 13:07:57

Just reading the posts above. I was one of four and non of us looked after each other - it was dog eat dog although there was the expectation that I do (what they considered) 'womens jobs' around the home.

I think it's really bad to expect children to fulfill a need that should be met by parents. I know of a couple with 8 children and the kids 'bring their siblings up'. I can see how this causes a lot of resentment with children enforcing rules and jobs - also the kids are not getting the individual parental time they desperately need.

3smellysocks Fri 04-Jan-13 12:51:40

My parents had 4 . Two siblings were really close and two not close at all. My parents had very little time to spend with us individually and with me particularly. I felt they were spread too thin and we all knew it. There were also two middle children rather then just one. I felt embarrassed going to peoples houses as my siblings were like a pack of dogs - eating and playing. I could tell my parents felt overwhelmed and found discipline hard. We rarely got invited out as we were such a handful and ate stacks - also we never ate out at cafe's etc as it was too expensive feeding 6. Oddly enough all my siblings all have three children each now.

I have three and I can just about manage to give them all my time. They all play nicely and get on. I haven't seen the 2 against 1 thing yet but I expect it will happen at some point but the youngest is only 2.

I think children getting on depends on how much parental attention they receive and what their personalties are like.

Lara2 Fri 04-Jan-13 09:38:54

Middle one of 3 here - it was horrible when we were growing up! There's 2 years between each of us and strangely, the 4 year gap between my Dsis and DB meant they got on famously. Always picked on me or left me out. However, as we got older it all changed radically and we are all the best of friends (mostly!) these days. We are in our early 50's mind you!!!!

My experiences of growing up as the classic middle child meant that when I had my DC's it was 2 or 4 - definitely not 3! (We has 2 because we couldn't afford 4 sad}

StupidFlanders Fri 04-Jan-13 06:55:01

I really enjoyed being 1 of 3.

We had 4 years between oldest to youngest.

We played either all together or paired while one of us did something alone or with a parent. I think the odd number really supported the opportunity to develop independent and group skills.

Spinkle Fri 04-Jan-13 06:18:56

Youngest of three, last on everyone's list. I was probably a huge attention seeker because of it- was a real fibber blush

chickensarmpit Fri 04-Jan-13 01:44:54

I'm 1 of 4 and i wouldn't change it for the world. Yes things were a struggle growing up but we had each other. 2 girls, 2 boys and i'm the eldest.
We had our ups and downs but we were always their for each other.
I have 3 kids and they're just as close smile
I miss my childhood mostly because i miss living with my brothers and sister. Having 4 kids is a great idea.

wtf1981 Fri 04-Jan-13 01:29:06

*never felt left out!

wtf1981 Fri 04-Jan-13 01:26:04

Am the eldest of three-ages 31,27,23-girl,boy,girl.

Never left out and would say with confidence that they haven't either smile

ithasgonetotheopera Fri 04-Jan-13 00:16:11

I was the oldest of 3 girls, the younger two were closer in age (and probably in personality) so were much closer - I left out and like I was the odd one out a lot, I hated it. My parents perhaps overcompensated on the 'middle child gets left out thingy' too.

Now we are adults we get on but my sisters are much closer to each other than they are to me, it has the knock on effect of me feeling left out with my parents too cos if they tell the one sister something she tells the other but not me, so I accidentally get left out without anyone meaning it.

Not sure having four would help this though! My MIL and sisters are always falling out but they usually each have an allie.

LeggyBlondeNE Thu 03-Jan-13 20:42:17

I'm the eldest of three and I really loved it. Two younger brothers - full brother near me in age, youngest (half) brother 7 years my junior. We both loved playing with him and he actually made us get on better I think - weekends at my dad's tended to be boring and I was more likely to feel left out there when brother and dad were doing something together like football, than at home where we all three often played together. Youngest made an excellent prop at times!

DH is also the eldest of three and also loved it (his brothers were younger and very close in age and that seemed to balance things out).

On the other hand we both have cousins who are foursomes, and in both cases the third-born child was quite left out, wanting to be with the older ones and resenting being pretty much forced to pally up with the youngest. (In both cases the youngest was opposite sex to the rest, which might affect things).

We're only planning two because I don't want to go through pregnancy and sleep loss a third time but we were both kinda sad when the second baby didn't turn out to be twins!

marlboroughlts Thu 03-Jan-13 20:12:10

I'm the third of three girls. I think it's been a mix of who's left out at one time or another. I had more in common with the eldest, but was closest in age with the middle. These days - they are closer with each other than with me.

The main thing that puts me off having three dc - is the lack of interest by parents by the time the third comes along. I think if you can honestly sustain that, then it's fine. But to have a third, when you aren't really that committed to them as an individual, I think is wrong. There was really a huge difference in the effort my parents put in for the first and the last.

OhlimpPricks Thu 03-Jan-13 19:32:51

I'm the middle of 3 girls, born over 5 years. Hated my position in the family. Constantly compared to my elder sister by teachers, relatives parents. I always had a very strong sense of 'I'm not my her, I'm me' and this probably contributes to why I always try to be a bit individual as an adult. My younger sister always had her place as the baby of the family, my elder as the one who got to do things first, like go to school, have a boyfriend. I hated being left out.
It doesn't help that we have a toxic mother who plays divide and rule, always whipping up bad feeling behind our backs. Being downright nasty about one to the other.
She played it too well; I decided years ago I wasn't going to play her games. We haven't been in one place for years, and the next time will probably be at her or my dad's funeral.

EMS23 Thu 03-Jan-13 19:23:11

I'm the youngest of 3 - I have 2 brothers, 5 and 7 years older than me.
I loved my childhood and although on occasion they would leave me out it was only because they were teens, I was still little and their activity wasn't appropriate for me. I was very close to both of them although over time I've become closest to my oldest brother.

I now have 3 - 2 DD's and DSS. DSS is 7 years older than DD1 and there is 22 months btwn the girls. I hope that as the girls get old enough to play together DSS will be getting to an age where he doesn't want them hanging off his coat tails.

We intend to do what my parents did for me so he doesn't get bored or feel left out which is always invite one of his friends on our holidays and let him have friends over as much as possible.
Me having a friend along took the pressure off my brothers to include me/ let me tag along although to be fair, they always did let me if they could.

And of course when I got to 18, my 23 and 25 year old brothers were all of a sudden very keen to invite me and my friends along!!!

Smudging Thu 03-Jan-13 19:18:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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