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AIBU and should I get over myself?! Possible bridezilla?

(128 Posts)
Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:17:03

First AIBU posting and donning my flameproof overalls :D

This will probably out me if anyone recognises it but I need to know if I'm being all "me, me, me!" or if not, what to do about it. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

I've been very good friends with this girl since we were 18 (12 yrs). She is 'guidemother' to my eldest son, she was my bridesmaid when I married. I think (thought?) the world of her. I would have dropped everything if she needed me. Everyone loves her, she's been a bridesmaid about 10 times in the last couple of years. Popular, lots of other friends but we always appeared to be close.

She is getting married in a month. When she announced it, I joked about her having to have 20 bridesmaids. She went quiet and said she wasn't going to have anyone to avoid upset. Transpires she is, a mutual friend. The reason being this girl has no sisters and has never been a BM. Neither have I! So I was gutted but smiled and decided to get over it.

She has decided to have about 10 cakes, one as a centrepiece of each table and she wants me (I decorate cakes) to do them all at her house the day before the wedding. I have tried to tell her this is very unrealistic but she won't have it. She is buying all the bits and a family member is baking the actual cakes so I can't get the cakes any earlier than the day before the wedding. She has changed her mind about number of cakes and designs several times. There are 4 different designs she wants me to do. I am stressed beyond belief and have turned away paying work for this. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

She sent an email about her hen weekend - the weekend of my son's birthday and party. The boy she is guide mother to. I sent a cheery reply that I was sad I wouldn't be able to make it and was told I had to be there so please rearrange his birthday party to a different weekend. I won't miss his 5th birthday so am going along later than others when he is in bed and have (grudgingly) moved his party to the weekend before as he won't really care either way.

I offered my services to the bridesmaid, to make a cake or something for the hen. Got told no, she was asking someone else to do a cake and my help wasn't needed.

To top it all off, I was sat at home watching Bridget Jones on NYE as DH was ill in bed and kids asleep early as they're young. Just seen a load of photos of a party at the bride's flat with lots of mutual friends in them. I am the only one with children but they could have asked? I cried. It's not the first time I've been excluded for having kids (if that's the reason, they're just in a very different place in their lives).

I feel like a total mug tbh. I can't back out of these sodding cakes as I don't want to be the bad guy right before her wedding and I don't want to cause her stress or ruin her big day. I am completely gutted. Clearly I mean nothing to her and need to move on but how do I do that without looking like a brat? Or am I in fact a brat and need to get over myself? I can hardly text her and say, "you didn't invite me to your party, I'm not your friend any more!" as I'm not 5. But I feel it at the moment!

dons hard hat

Thanks for not falling into a coma reading this far! ;)

catgirl1976geesealaying Wed 02-Jan-13 20:20:07


Doesn't sound good at all

I think you should do the cakes, smile and wish her well through the wedding and then perhaps leave the friendship to peter out

Sad though

It is hard when you have children and your friends don't IME. They don't (and can't) understand how your life and priorities change

overmydeadbody Wed 02-Jan-13 20:24:15


How sad for you that she didn't invite you to the NYE party. That is horrible. Some people without children just exclude people with them which is unfairisn't it?

I'd say just get through the wedding and then let the friendship peter out.

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:25:29

oh bless you! i had a friend who did something similar to me, friends forever, always going to be eachothers bridesmaid and we were always going to have just eachother no family ect..... she ended up having 3 others that were shit mates to her to start with and they went on to plan the most expnsive and longest hen party ever ( they all have no kids) the most expensive dresses and i called bride to be to tell her i felt shit about it all and not being to go on the hen do made me feel like i was being a shit bmaid.... she simply said i have enough stress with everything else, id rather not know what ur all planning sort it yourselves...... tiny bit gutted i was!

TinyDiamond Wed 02-Jan-13 20:28:43

YANBU in the slightest. I am going through sort of similar things right now with my supposed bridesmaids not being good friends at all and it sucks. horrible to be left out and taken advantage of

Roseformeplease Wed 02-Jan-13 20:28:44

You could be tough, charge her for the cakes and say you do things for free for friends but she seems to be acting more like an employer than a friend with her demands and no party invitation. That would be what I would plan in my head. But what I would probably do is smile and suck it up and then let things Peter out, as suggested above.


Bugsylugs Wed 02-Jan-13 20:29:35

YANBU, as others said. Am : ( that you changed your DS party for her, she is def bridezilla. Ease away.

WipsGlitter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:30:06

YABU re being a bridesmaid.

YADNBU re the cakes. What a nightmare.

jessjessjess Wed 02-Jan-13 20:31:16

YANBU! Lots of friends helped with stuff for ours but we offered payment. Some accepted but did things at mates rates eg our photographer, some said no and helped out in lieu of gifts / to be nice.

We certainly never ordered anyone to do anything.

I would frankly tell her to shove it!

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Jan-13 20:32:29

First things first, this friendship is now ruined. She might not see it yet, but you are upset by her behaviour and it's a bit late to fix that.

So, I would tell her again it's not going to be possible to do 10 cakes in 1 day, state how many you think you can do in the timeframe (4?), so she will either have to find other people to help out or you need more time. It's better than just trying and failing and the day before the wedding being all stressed feeling like you have screwed up.

Re the hen do, I think it might be a bit late to move the party again, unless you want to.

Generally, you need to accept she hasn't seen your relationship as important to her as it is to you. It's hard to accept, but once you have, it will be easier.

RobotLover68 Wed 02-Jan-13 20:32:34

Do you have "mug" tattooed on your forehead? I'd do the cakes (begrudgingly) but I'd have not given in to her demands about the hen party - FFS what is with people these days and their "demands"

BunFagFreddie Wed 02-Jan-13 20:32:44

Anyone who demanded I moved my child's brithday party would really get my back up. YANBU, she does sound like a bit of a bridezilla.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:33:49

Oh no diddie that's rubbish sad

I am well aware I may BU, from her POV. She might well be able to say "there's this friend doing my head in, she wants to be a bridesmaid and it's getting on my nerves. Now she's trying to stick her oar in on the hen do and is crying over not coming to one of my parties, how pathetic." Which is what I'm worried I sound like.

I accidentally said out loud, "oh I've never been a bridesmaid either!" and she shot back immediately, "it's not all about you".

So I know I am very sensitive about how badly I come across!

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:33:53

i chose to back out of being a bridesmaid in the end....went to the wedding and iv spoken to her once since then. she married in august. the friendship clearly isnt worth it, if it was then she wouldnt do all that bossy crap over a cake!

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Jan-13 20:34:37

oh and if you wanted too, you could say you don't want to do the cakes at all and just walk away from it. She'll get stroppy, but remember you aren't high up her list of priorities, she doesn't consider you close enough to invite to NYE party, it's ok for you to decide you have a higher priority than her.

hermioneweasley Wed 02-Jan-13 20:36:30

Well, weddings do seem to make sme women crazy. I would grin and bear it, and see if she returns to being a good friend after the wedding. Is it even possible to decorate 10 cakes in a day? You might not be doing her any favours by letting her be unrealistic.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:37:47

Yes I am coming to the conclusion I am less important to her than I previously thought.

And yes you are right, IABU about the bridesmaid thing. She is perfectly entitled to have whoever she wants and I am trying my best to suck it up be smile but it does sting a bit.

I am just feeling a bit sad about the whole thing. I feel like I've lost my best friend. In fact, I kind of wish I hadn't been the first and only one to have had children as I feel I've lost a lot of friends since!

Isityouorme Wed 02-Jan-13 20:39:19

Does she see you as a cheap -or free-option for the cakes? Is she paying for ingredients and/or your time? If you are going to do them tell her they will be plain and simple as time doesn't slow for anything else.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:39:51

I have honestly tried again and again to explain it's unrealistic to expect we can do all 10 cakes in one day (it was originally 12!). I only agreed to it on the condition she took the risk that half weren't finished.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:42:17

Isit, a family member is baking the cakes for free. I am giving my time for free but she is providing all the icing. So I won't be paying out myself but am losing money as I would normally have a paying order that day which I can't do. I am a bit funny about decorating someone else's cakes as what if they're not very good and people think it's me?!

Osmiornica Wed 02-Jan-13 20:43:08

If you don't think you can do the cakes you really need to tell her. When it comes to the day (assuming you do them at all) and it all goes tits up noone will know or care that you already told her you can't do it - they'll just blame you. Be realistic about how many you can do. I'd also pull back on the friendship as well but after the wedding.

SuffolkNWhat Wed 02-Jan-13 20:43:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Jan-13 20:44:16

I would say again that you can do a maximum 4, 5 at the most cakes, ask her who will do the other 6 as you won't have time. Make it clear she needs to get others involved, or make it over 2 days.

Life changes and sometimes friendships can survive being at different life stages, but some are more superficial than that, unfortunately you only tend to find that the hard way. You might, however find that some of your new friends you have made via being a 'mum' are the sort of people you'll still be friends with in 20 years time.

EldritchCleavage Wed 02-Jan-13 20:45:08

I would be very blunt about the cakes. The fact that she won't listen to you now doesn't mean she won't blame you on the day-quite the opposite. Tell her, preferably in an email AND face-to-face, how many you will be doing, and stick to that. Not that it is hard, or unrealistic or anything like that, just how many cakes you will be doing as a fact. Tell her straight if she wants more, someone else will have to do them. Maybe copy her mother in, if that gets the message across.

Sorry about the bridesmaid thing, but YABU there.

fluffypillow Wed 02-Jan-13 20:48:52

Oh poor you sad YANBU.

It's not nice to be treated like that. She has made it impossible for you to say 'no ' about the cakes, but I would seriously think about calling it a day with her after the wedding.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I've got a 'friend' who has treated me badly lately because I have had another child. She no longer seems to remember what it's like to have a toddler around, and has backed off. Some people are total shits, and aren't worth worrying about........still bloody hurts though sad

Good luck, let us know how you get on.

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