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To be upset by this

(68 Posts)
milf90 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:22:32

Oh and I have been together 3 years this year, have lo (17 months) together and we have just bought our first house together. A few weeks ago I walked in on oh and friend talking about us getting engaged - oh said it wouldn't be long. Neither of them knew I overheard this. I was so excited, I have been looking forward to this pretty much for the last 2 years ;)

That weekend sil announced she had gotten engaged. I was so happy for her, she has been with df 7 years and we thought he was never going to ask.

Fil popped round the next day and asked if we knew and then said "well you 2 won't be able to get married until after they are married now" my heart broke a bit tbh, it had gone through my mind that that might be the case (I don't want to step on any bodies toes!) but then reasonably, it doesn't matter does it really? As long as we don't book it on the same day?! She was planning a long engagement at first too, which made it worse, but now she's decided on spring 14. (I had in my head summer 14 depending on if he proposes of course!)

Mil keeps asking me if I want a joint wedding, which I find quite funny since oh hasn't proposed!

I'm just a bit heartbroken i guess, I had gotten all excited in my head about it, mentally planning it, I worked out that financially we could afford it by the end of this year (sil is in loads of debt and would be borrowing more to pay for it!!), we want another lo after we are married (not before!) and don't want a huge age gap, 3 years we decided was optimum, so timing would be nearly perfect if we Ttc after wedding.

Am I a complete bitch for feeling so upset (and jealous!) about this? I honestly wish her all the luck and happiness in the world but I find it so upsetting that 1. I feel my dreams are being shattered and 2. Frustrated that we are being sensible and she isn't

We were also talking about weddings over Xmas and fil again reiterated his point that we would have to wait and save up first (tell that to bloody sil ;)) and that would take ages - I said actually it wouldn't because we want to cost cut as much as poss because neither of us want to spend a lot of money when we have a lo and want to get a bigger house in the next 5 years. My dream wedding would be around 6 grand (short notice all inclusive) - fil said where's this then, so I told him and mows he's bloody gone and told sil!!! Is it me or is this just a horrible thing to do?? I literally could cry!!!!

milf90 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:58:10

Yes he's being an awkward bugger, can u see where some of my frustration is from? He also has the rule that we can't get engaged unless we can do it within the year as he hates long engagements - I told him its not about that :/

After we bought the house, we went out for a meal and discussed getting married this year in August - if we can't afford the whole shebang we would literally just get married there and that's it - after all its about the marriage and commitment not the day - but of course this hasn't been mentioned since and I'm too scared to bring it up.

Should also mention that my dad was recently diagnosed with cancer and was told he is unlikely to make it to 5 years (his prognosis is better now) and both my grandad have been diagnosed with cancer is 2012 also. I really want them to see me getting married and I want my dad to walk me down the aisle (I'm welling up writing this!) but I don't want to say this to oh as it would be emotional blackmail.

I guess I'm just so frustrated, I have been ready for ages, why doesn't he want to marry me?

Sorry for drip feeding, I'm all mixed up.

3smellysocks Wed 02-Jan-13 19:58:43

You really shouldn't have discussed it with your FIL.

Why don't you propose to DH and quickly book your wedding in the location you want. It's your lifelong dream and you mustn't change your plans. Tell him you want o be wed this year.

IceNoSlice Wed 02-Jan-13 19:59:16

Seems to me, to get what you want (ie your choice of venue, your timing and SIL not to book the same venue), you need to get engaged, announce it and book the venue ASAP. Then SIL would be booking your venue, not the other way round IYSWIM. Therefore you need to chat to DP about this. SIL sounds a bit annoying.

IceNoSlice Wed 02-Jan-13 20:01:12

Ah, actually from your most recent post, sounds to me like your real frustration is at DP for not bloody well getting in with it, not with SIL. Good luck!!

Isityouorme Wed 02-Jan-13 20:01:48

As you have a LO, why don't you cost out a wedding at your dream venue for this year and discuss it with your husband. He may think that your wedding is going to costs gazillions when in fact it will cost less. Given the situation with your sick relatives, that is an excuse to bring it forward if SIL says anything. You seem to want a small intimate affair whilst she wants a bigger party, so they will be different. If then he says he doesn't want to marry you then no issue - on the marriage front at least!

3smellysocks Wed 02-Jan-13 20:04:13

Remortgage the house and get the extra cash - or borrow the cash to have the wedding you want. It's only a small amount and you are obviously very responsible with cash. Tell your DH that you want your dad and grandparents to be at the wedding and so you need to wed this year. He really must consider your needs and feelings in all this. How heart breaking it would b not to have them there. I think you need to be honest with your DP. By not telling him such an important thing, you are holding back in the relationship and not being true to yourself.

Chubfuddler Wed 02-Jan-13 20:04:28

He does want to marry you doesn't he? I mean you've discussed marrying in August (loads of time). You have a house and a baby. You are not an eighteen year old Virgin, thank god. Just book something. Stop being so bloody passive.

Trying to see what your sils wedding plans have to do with yours and failing tbh. She doesn't own the entire 2013 wedding season.

MrsHoarder Wed 02-Jan-13 20:09:04

Why not just get married this year then? Get a bottle of wine in, open it up and tell your DH that you don't see a reason to hang around and you want to get married in 2013 because you're worried about your DF and DGF not being there if you leave it.

I don't see the problem though, in the time we were engaged, two of my family members got engaged and married (we had intended a reasonably long engagement for practical reasons). It didn't upset anyone.

milf90 Wed 02-Jan-13 20:09:27

icenoslice I do feel like I can strangle him!!!!

He's not into weddings I'm the slightest and thinks they are a waste of money. When I suggested having a wedding with close family and friends (I would prefer this, I'm not into being centre of attention) and a sit down meal after and that's it he said no as his family we didn't invite wouldn't be happy biscuit

splintersinmebum Wed 02-Jan-13 20:10:00

I beg you to ignore 3smellysocks' dodgy financial advice hmm

3smellysocks Wed 02-Jan-13 20:14:32


chummymummy Wed 02-Jan-13 20:17:03

You sound so frustrated at your oh. Step 1 needs to be an actual discussion with your partner, its unfair to leave you hanging like this when marriage is clearly so important to you. sit him down when little ones asleep and have it out. Then you can get on with living your life in peace and how you want to. Dont discuss anymore marriage plans with anyone until you have spoken to your oh.

Snazzynewyear Wed 02-Jan-13 20:23:42

If he wants to get married in the same year he gets engaged, then you have the perfect platform to say 'Hey, now it's 2013 we could get on with wedding planning for this year! I'd really like to do it soon so my dad could be there. Is there something you wanted to ask me?' Never mind emotional blackmail - he has his requirements, why can't you have yours?

DonderandBlitzen Wed 02-Jan-13 20:35:27

In the light of what you have said about your dad and granddads, I think you need to explain this to your dp and say it would mean a lot to have them there so you'd like to get married in 2013. If he then strops about how he wanted to do the proposal his way and you have spoilt it, then he is an utter shit. Hopefully he is not an utter shit or you wouldn't want to marry him. It isn't emotional blackmail, it is sharing with your partner something really important to you. He doesn't get to call all the shots. It's the 21st century.

DonderandBlitzen Wed 02-Jan-13 20:41:31

Also I'd mention you wanted to get on with ttc as another reason why you would like to marry this year.

MikeOxardInTheSnow Wed 02-Jan-13 21:46:13

Firstly, may I direct you to the blacking up thread, where you may obtain a grip. They're being thrown around like confetti in there. Secondly, just book your wedding where you want, when you want. It doesn't matter when or where sil is getting married.

MrsHoarder Thu 03-Jan-13 04:43:51

Also he's had 5 months since August, if he wanted to do a big romantic proposal before you got all practical about it he should have done it then.

Don't let a desire for the perfect become an enemy of a good agreement to get married and have the wedding with your family all there.

Lavenderhoney Thu 03-Jan-13 05:00:10

Why does it matter when they get married? You get married when you want surely? And why are you discussing it with your fil when your dh hasn't proposed? It's your and your dps decision how you choose to conduct your relationship and commitment plans isn't it?

It's not very kind of your dp to keep you hanging with " no discussion and how I want" does he really want to get married? Personally I would say I wanted to know what his plans were and anyway to get a will sorted out with provision for your child and you or him should anything happen outside your control.

he sounds like he's stalling to me, why when he has a house and child with you i dont know, just how it reads to me

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 03-Jan-13 09:10:52

Marry when YOU want to marry and on your terms! That is all!

Proudnscaryvirginmary Thu 03-Jan-13 18:30:58

Have you talked to him OP?

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Thu 03-Jan-13 18:36:22

Sorry, just skimmed the thread, but just wondered about why you want to be married before you have another DC? It would mean that legally, their statuses would be different and your DP would have more rights over the child born within the marriage, and IIRC, the child would have more inheritance rights.

pingu2209 Thu 03-Jan-13 19:14:47

The whole wedding thing and too close to family members is a tricky one. You may well piss a lot of people off if you book your wedding in the same year as your SIL. Of course, that is if you OH asks you!

My sister got engaged first and booked a date for her wedding of summer 1988 (no specific month). My brother got engaged about 6 months later and decided on a short lead in time and booked his wedding date for 1 month before my sisters.

There was hell to pay across the family. My sister, mother and father were livid.

They felt that it was to upstage my sister's wedding.

Tread carefully.

That said, more than 20 years later - neither is still married to the people they married back in 1988!!!!!

TheBOF Thu 03-Jan-13 19:23:50

Ellenjane, are you sure about that? There is automatic Parental Responsibility now for fathers on the birth certificate, and my understanding is that marriage automatically 'legitimises' previous children of the partnership anyway (which tbh is a concept that has been superceded by the new PR laws anyway).

RillaBlythe Thu 03-Jan-13 19:31:01

ellenjane is out of date.

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