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to be upset with my friend over this?

(144 Posts)
7evendwarves Tue 01-Jan-13 23:59:03

have NCed.

Background: Very close friend. When I was dating my partner (now ex) she became friends with him. I have no objection to them remaining friends. I am now in a new relationship and dp does not want me to see ex p for various. I am respecting this and friend knows about this.

NYE I was to go for drinks/dinner with friend and her dp, then to a house party together. This has been the plan for quite some time as we always spend NYE together. We have been talked about plans several times over the past few weeks. The day before NYE she tells me she has invited ex p to drinks. I am upset that she a/ I now won't be able to go and b/ she didn't tell me this earlier. I then had to make last minute other plans and was upset at not being able to spend NYE with her like I planned.

Am I in need of a grip? I have no objection to friend being friends with ex p but when she knows that I cannot see him, and continues to invite him to social occasions then she knows I won't be able to come, it annoys me. She also invited him previously to another occasion and lied to me about it, so I didn't know till I got there and he was there - was rather awkward for all concerned.

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 17:09:46

You've name changed so in all honesty are you only with him because you don't like being alone?

Spuddybean Wed 02-Jan-13 17:13:15

Quite right MrsT! I have had so many apologetic phone calls explaining why i would be invited somewhere but it would be awkward because exH is there and surely i would rather it this way to which i say no actually. Or i love acting disingenuous when i know someones birthday is coming up and ask them outright if they are having a party and they mumble something and i say 'great can't wait...' only for them to put on their sad voice and explain how it's best for everyone if i don't go. I hate that as the reasonable one i am excluded or expected to change plans just because it's easier to put me off than them. I have now distanced myself from them all and i think they find that less confrontational - pathetic really.

Anyway i digress - sorry for the rant OP

MincePiesAddict Wed 02-Jan-13 17:16:25

I don't really get this thread.

OP, it's like you're playing some kind of 'downtrodden partner' buzzword bingo. Can you not read back all that you've written and see that there is a problem with your current partner's attitude? Really?

manicbmc Wed 02-Jan-13 17:23:07

Run like the wind from this controlling and unpleasant man. Any man worth his salt would have no problem and his insecurity is his to deal with.

If he gets angry over this, what else will he get angry over in the future? Alarm bells are well and truly ringing, OP.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 17:36:52

Well, I'm out. I'm assuming if you have posted about him under other names, you know he's a controlling twunt but are either deaf to the advice or are enjoying the attention. Good luck, you'll need it.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 17:49:52

If you're looking for a safe way to get out of this....start by talking to the friend who is brave enough not to put up with his shite.Tell her that you are concerned,tell her about this thread if you want....but start telling people in real life.You have friends who are still there for you,enlist their help.Now.

Stay with him another year and I guarantee you that you will be even more isolated (either from more people being added to his 'banned' list,or from people dropping you for staying in a situation that makes absolutely no sense).Start moving now.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 17:52:59

....and by the way,the 'but I love him' stance is one that most abused partners have uttered at the start of the abuse.It's also the stance that will frustrate anyway who can see this for what it is,an abusive relationship.

Roseformeplease Wed 02-Jan-13 17:58:27

Just spent NY in a huge group of families with at least two of my DH's ex girlfriends. No problem at all. They are now good friends and it all happened years ago. My DH and children visit my ex's parents with me, and my daughter is named after his sister. All are good friends.

Your situation is no normal.

verytellytubby Wed 02-Jan-13 18:19:26

Just been to my ex's wedding with my DH and kids.

I spent Christmas Eve with my other ex and our families. My ex is with my DH's ex so we laugh about it a lot.

Your DP sounds controlling. If I was your friend I'd be pissed off and worried about YOU.

MarthasHarbour Wed 02-Jan-13 18:53:47

This thread has stunned me.. OP please take the time to re-read this thread. You say you have taken the comments on board but I am not so sure.....

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 21:59:36

Martha I have read them all and am listening. It is obviously quite a shock as I wasn't expecting this at all. Right now I'm just taking time to think of what to do next.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 02-Jan-13 22:08:48

What a sad thread - you are allowing yourself to be abused... Why?!

RubyrooUK Wed 02-Jan-13 22:31:50

OP, I don't think anyone is saying your BF has to love your ex. DH and I invited some exes to our wedding as they're genuinely good friends now. But we also have some exes we are just civil to when we see them socially as we still share some friends.

Do I love all DH's exes? No. Some of them are great and some aren't. But I certainly wouldn't let their presence affect my time with friends. And neither would DH.

It is very controlling and jealous to ban another adult from seeing someone. Most people just accept that their partners have dated other people and make the best of it.

Please think carefully about the message you are giving your boyfriend.

"You can decide who I see and don't see."

"I won't see my friends if they don't meet your approval."

"I'm too scared to challenge you over something I disagree with."

None of these are good things.

dawntigga Fri 04-Jan-13 09:45:01

Op, what have you decided to do?


Cat98 Fri 04-Jan-13 11:57:16

Why are people being so harsh with the op?
She knows it is a terrible situation now, she needs support and encouragement here. It's not easy, what she has to do.
Op I hope you find the strength to do something about this. Try the relationships board for continued support.

neveronamonday Fri 04-Jan-13 23:45:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyNewHissy Sat 05-Jan-13 00:17:56

This is tough to deal with OP, but it's heartfelt and sincere. please listen to us harpies?

PessaryPam Sat 05-Jan-13 12:38:51

MincePiesAddict I don't really get this thread. OP, it's like you're playing some kind of 'downtrodden partner' buzzword bingo. Can you not read back all that you've written and see that there is a problem with your current partner's attitude? Really?

This is probably another thread I got reported on for making a similar point to you.

ceebie Sat 05-Jan-13 12:47:29

So have you asked your friend why she invited your ex knowing that you would have to cancel? Whether or not she agrees with your decision not to see your ex, she is certainly failing to respect your wishes. It may be for a good reason, but you can only find out by having that chat with her. It doesn't need to be confrontational.

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